to have expected more?

[compromise]

Have namechanged...

DH and I have been married for 2 years. We have a 15 month old DD. From the outset, we agreed that we would have an uber traditional home set up. I have always wanted to have a family and be a SAHM. In return for his supporting us financially, I do everything else. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Every night feeding. Every scrap of housework, all the cooking and pretty much all of the childcare. I bring him all of this his coffee in bed every morning and make him a lunch to take to work. The same rules apply on weekends. He sleeps in late, I bring his coffee to him in bed.

When we first agreed our roles, he seemed thrilled. And I have been happy to fulfil my end of things. It seemed a sacrifice worth making to enjoy being at home with DD. And I do love him, so bringing him coffee etc was not just a chore.

But in the past few months, he has become more and more unhappy. He has never loved his work (works in IT) but has become increasingly resentful of it. He hates the people, the stress, his boss...everything.

A few weeks ago, he had a sort of 'breakdown'. He has been signed off work for 6 weeks now and has recently announced to me that he feels our set up is 'not even' and he wants to equalise it. I asked him to elaborate. He said he thought it would be nice if we both worked and part time and just sorted out the house/childcare stuff as and when it was needed. No fixed agreements.
He told me he felt that I did not make an equal contribution and did not 'pull my weight'. Were it not for my jaw dropping to the ground, I would have walked out there and then.

And to be frank, I'm incredulous about this breakdown. He seems very happy to potter around the garage, building various things and going shopping for tools and car parts and the like. He sleeps in 'til midday every day, stays up late and seems generally content. He laughs and jokes about and then when I remind him about his fragile state of mind (by asking how he is feeling etc), he will change tack and tell me how tired he is. He says he is not ok but there is little evidence to the contrary. I am still doing everything I was doing before plus extra (now he's home all day, I make his lunch, bring him tea and snacks etc).

I always believed that compromise and sacrifice were necessary for a happy marriage. I'm not afraid to put in some hard graft and put his interests before my own at times. But I feel increasingly taken for granted. There seems to be no give and take here.

And now...now he has the gall to say things are not equal.

So tell me MN, before I lose my mind...AIBU?

Sorry it's a long one.

Oh and: If I'd posted back then about what was happening, I'd have been told by all of MN that it was abusive, and I should leave. Because when he was dissociating, he was abusive. At the time I weighed up very seriously whether I should just cut my losses and flee.

In my case, I'm glad I didn't. DP went to hell and back during the breakdown, and there were times when I felt like he was dragging me with him; but he came back. He was at the end of his tether, recovering appalling childhood memories, nearly suicidal, lashing out at everyone close to him, but he did come back.

I decided to ride it out for two reasons: firstly, he really fought to sort himself out - so even when it was hard I knew he was trying. And secondly, I really believed in us. I don't know how it is for you, whether your DH will be able to fight like my DP did, or what your relationship is like, but I just wanted to throw this in to balance the many people who will advise you to run for the hills this minute.

The immediate apology and trip to the doctor....twofold....one, to justify his abusive outburst, so he effectively 'gets away with it' and two, to get himself nicely signed off work!

No, we don't have a window into op life. But op herself has now said she thinks he played it up to the doctor and has created a ' breakdown' to get his own way. Op, you know him best! Go with your instinct here

Yes quick take a break from this thread before the ambulance chasers have you in a refuge

I think you have the commitment and determination to get a positive solution out of this. You need a long talk with your DH.

Golly Jodie - you are an angry person aren't you?

As you rightly said no-one knows whats going on in Compromise's relationship but its fair to say that for a lot of us being scared of DH's temper would not be an acceptable way to live.

I was a sahm until recently, for seven years. Now that I am working I can see how stressful it was for DH to be the main breadwinner. He looks younger and happier now that I am bringing in a wage.
However, if I had worked part time I would have been spending all of my wages on childcare, so while it was stressful financially , I believe it was the best for the children and the family.
I wasn't a very good sahm mother though. I hate housework so DH still did about 60 per cent of it after work. He still does, although I cook all the meals and do all the washing along with the rest of it.
I was always myself you see, and that's what you marry for, for better or for worse.
I think it's a mistake to try to be the perfect housewife, it seems you feel guilty for not working-which I never did. I had lots of fun meeting friends for coffee, getting together with friends and their children , going to museums, the library etc, spending precious time with my children in their formative years.
My point is this- don't listen to the posters saying this is your fault for not working, accept the fact that you are doing your best.
DH has to accept that too. If he is not generous in his understanding of you then there are deeper problems

Not angry, TB just realistic. I have met some nasty bastards and the real scary ones are the ones who would not dream of consulting a gp about their behaviour because

ITS ALL SOMEONE ELSES FAULT.
They are the ones to run and hide from.

Jodie its clear you've had a really tough time and I think that different people have different things they consider acceptable.

So for me - well I don't have a big temper and I do find people who lose control frightening.

Anyway good luck Compromise.

Jodie, the OP is clearly too scared to stand up to him. She also is being very careful not to wind him up, as she has been told that this is what she does. That sounds like "all someone else's fault" to me.

Poor, poor you Compromise - I really don't think YABU at all! I'm a SAHM while DS is tiny as it doesn't make financial sense for me to work after we've paid for childcare and travel costs and I sure as hell don't make DH's pack up and all his hot drinks ever. We're a partnership so we each do bits and bobs to make things run smoothly.
I'm not even going to get into the debate on whether or not your hubbie is abusive or not, but for me my two big warning signs in what you've posted are 1. That he has interest in his hobbies and pottering about. When I had depression, if I'd managed to do the washing up and made and eaten a slice of toast with peanut butter I would have regarded that day as a huge f*cking achievement. That's how nasty depression is. I had lots of hobbies and crafts that I previously loved doing but simply couldn't manage to do any of them. Or indeed anything I enjoyed at all. So like you I'm a bit 'spish of him being depressed.

1. The other warning sign is his absolute reluctance at discussing sharing the housework and childcare. You are offering him his chosen escape route, just as he wants all his way, and yet he won't discuss these minor details? This is because he has no intention of taking on any further responsibility at home just because his responsibility at work is being lifted from his shoulders. This means overall you'll be doing even more - and your job is already 24/7/365 no holiday, respect or sickpay - and he'll be doing even less. If his job was really so awful and he really thought you just swanned around. He'd be the one writing the rota right now. I think he is sorely lacking in respect for you and I think you deserve so much better. Really hope things work out for you. Good luck.

Oh, I'd get a job alright. A full-time one.

I'd use that savings to get a deposit on a house or flat to rent and then I would leave.

I have suffered from depression for 7 years now.

It is never an excuse to be abusive.

great post gherkins

If they were all that easy to spot and carried a visible mark of Cain, it would be marvellous.

The ones to run and hide from are the ones who whittle away your self esteem bit by tiny it, encouraging you to compromise your principles until they are totally eroded.

the ones to run away from are the ones who are 'occasionally' violent

the ones who don't take on the whole of you

the ones who move the goalposts

the ones who pick fault with everything

the ones who don't consider your feelings

the ones who are unfaithful

the ones with no respect

and I could go on. the reason so many women get caught up in situations they never thought they would be in is because there is no single 'sign' To boil it down to the simplistic terms you've used is unhelpful.

If this thread helps the OP to think about the balance of power in her relationship and check her comfort levels with it, then that's a good thing. She may decide that having heard the various opinions she beleives her DH is in fact very depressed and needs help. She may decide that he's a lazy bugger who is looking to reduce his responsibilities - and even then quite frankly it's her choice whether she puts up with it or not and no one else's business what her choice is.

OP you do sound level headed and caring. You know him best.

Jodie getting angry is one thing, getting your (supposedly) DP out of bed to shout at them and call them a bitch is another. And it certainly isn't normal.

If you think it is then it is you who has the problem not the other posters.

compromise it may be that that the behaviour your DH has displayed is as a result of some sort of breakdown in which case you may be able to move on from it, on the otherhand he may just be an entitled shit who thinks he can treat you however he likes (and FWIW your much earlier comment about giving him sex whenever he expected makes me suspect the latter - that is not a normal, equal relationship)

Nope, I have no problems whatsoever with my relationship thanks. But I know what abuse is.

'You need a long talk with your DH.'

From everything the OP has posted, he is not interested in talking or discussing.

Well it will either be that or goodbye marriage ExPat - wont it? He must be able to talk at some point or they wouldnt have come to their original "traditional values" arrangement that he was so happy with.

He appears to have lost the ability to discuss things that don't involve getting his way now, Jodie.

She's tried discussing it.

He won't and refuses to look after his child, too.

In addition to getting her out of bed to hurl abuse at her.

Yeah, I'd definitely get a job, compromise, that much is very clear.

Jodie "the real scary ones are the ones who would not dream of consulting a gp"- this wasn't the case with my EXP- he went to his GP and got put on anti-deppressants but that didn't stop him holding a knife to my throat.

There is no 1 type of abuser, going to a GP is a technique abusers can use to make themselves seem like innocent victims when they are in fact the perpetrators.

'but the help he is getting is extending to changing everything about our life'

I'm still very with this thread. You wanted him to go to the GP. He did. Then you get upset that your lives change and he takes time off work. Yes when a partner is ill your lives change.

You seem to me emotionally detached and obsessed with your 'ideal' set up (dh breadwinner and not allowed to be ill and take time off, you 'perfect wife' who brings coffee in bed in return).

Tbh i don't see how someone can fake depression . If you are not depressed you cant stay all day in bed or sit all day in an armchair.

'If you are not depressed you cant stay all day in bed or sit all day in an armchair.'

Yes, you can.

BIL is in no way depressed, yet he's perfectly able to stay in bed all day or in a chair.

He's the laziest person I've ever met.

Amen, expat - my friend's brother is just the same. Definitely not depressed, they thought he might be but apparently not. Just likes Jeremy Kyle...

I feel that Laquitar has a point. There's something that's been niggling me too about the roles in your home setup. It's hard to explain what I mean, but it's something about playing abstract roles and the needs of the real human beings involved sort of getting forgotten in the process.

FWIW, if I find myself playing a role (eg 'surrendered woman' my DP hates it, gets upset and unhappy, bottles it up, and then we end up having a row. When he was in the middle of burnout, those rows sometimes turned into the kind of horrible episode you described earlier.

You said something about wanting to be 'a good wife'. Are you sure that what you're doing represents 'good wife' according to your husband as well? Or are you playing your own idea of a good wife, without confirming that it's meeting his wants/needs too? I don't know the answers to those questions, but it's something to think about. Please believe that I'm not having a go at you, or trying to make this all your fault. I'm not saying any of this is what's going on for you, but just trying to offer some perspectives.

expat maybe i find it hard to understand because i cannot do it myself. I keep moan about wanting some rest but then when i have the chance to rest i get bored and get up.

pattonista, i totally agree.

I meant to also ask what about the title of the thread?

pottonista you are speaking so much sense. I too have lived through similar and was fortunate enough to recover the good, kind, loving man I knew was buried under the physical and mental trauma. I know if I'd posted on MN whilst we were going through the pain I would have been told he was abusive and I should leave him.
I do hope OP has taken your generous input to heart for her own sake. We can't know that her situation has similar causes to our experiences but at least it must be worth finding out - talking to the GP, seeking counselling.

In sickness and in health doesn't just mean bringing a cup of tea when someone is feeling a bit off colour. It can be a lot harder than that.