to have expected more?

[compromise]

Have namechanged...

DH and I have been married for 2 years. We have a 15 month old DD. From the outset, we agreed that we would have an uber traditional home set up. I have always wanted to have a family and be a SAHM. In return for his supporting us financially, I do everything else. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Every night feeding. Every scrap of housework, all the cooking and pretty much all of the childcare. I bring him all of this his coffee in bed every morning and make him a lunch to take to work. The same rules apply on weekends. He sleeps in late, I bring his coffee to him in bed.

When we first agreed our roles, he seemed thrilled. And I have been happy to fulfil my end of things. It seemed a sacrifice worth making to enjoy being at home with DD. And I do love him, so bringing him coffee etc was not just a chore.

But in the past few months, he has become more and more unhappy. He has never loved his work (works in IT) but has become increasingly resentful of it. He hates the people, the stress, his boss...everything.

A few weeks ago, he had a sort of 'breakdown'. He has been signed off work for 6 weeks now and has recently announced to me that he feels our set up is 'not even' and he wants to equalise it. I asked him to elaborate. He said he thought it would be nice if we both worked and part time and just sorted out the house/childcare stuff as and when it was needed. No fixed agreements.
He told me he felt that I did not make an equal contribution and did not 'pull my weight'. Were it not for my jaw dropping to the ground, I would have walked out there and then.

And to be frank, I'm incredulous about this breakdown. He seems very happy to potter around the garage, building various things and going shopping for tools and car parts and the like. He sleeps in 'til midday every day, stays up late and seems generally content. He laughs and jokes about and then when I remind him about his fragile state of mind (by asking how he is feeling etc), he will change tack and tell me how tired he is. He says he is not ok but there is little evidence to the contrary. I am still doing everything I was doing before plus extra (now he's home all day, I make his lunch, bring him tea and snacks etc).

I always believed that compromise and sacrifice were necessary for a happy marriage. I'm not afraid to put in some hard graft and put his interests before my own at times. But I feel increasingly taken for granted. There seems to be no give and take here.

And now...now he has the gall to say things are not equal.

So tell me MN, before I lose my mind...AIBU?

Sorry it's a long one.

[compromise]

counttothree -

I'm sorry. I must have missed your posts. Will go back and find them. I wasn't ignoring you.

just trying to juggle a few things and reply to ppl here...sorry

[counttothree]

Pottonista knows too. He needs medical help and you need a third party to help you both.

[electra]

My first thoughts are that maybe he'd feel more comfortable if you both worked a little, and both attended to the housework a little - rather than being so set in stereotypical 1950's ways. These days it is very unusual for women to wait hand and foot on their whole family. You sound quite idealistic in your approach to family life, which is fine - but maybe in practice it doesn't work as well as you'd hoped, especially if it's making your dh feel uncomfortable.

Do you think it's possible that he's feeling a huge amount of pressure not to lose his job because you are 'keeping up your end of the 'bargain'' so zealously?

[Squitten]

I think that your mentality needs changing for a start. You seem to have adopted a role whereby being the one at home means that you are required to become the family doormat.

Your DH's behaviour now suggests that he wants his work situation to change while you take on more work and continue to act as a full-time housewife. That is clearly not going to work and you will end up miserable. Unless you acknowledge that that situation is unfair, you'll never really get anywhere.

Lastly, I think the easiest way to see how your DH really feels is to sit down and tell him that you are perfectly happy to get a part-time job but that you need to address the problem of what will happen to all the jobs that you do currently. Make a long list of what you do during a typical day and ask him what he will be doing around the house once you are employed.

If he refuses to accept any domestic responsibility then you know where you stand. I don't think dancing around the issue is helping you - tackle it head on.

[counttothree]

Lots of posts, I know.

[theevildead2]

Sorry I havent read the whole thread. I think you shoudl go along with whatever he wants except for the bit about not having a set up for chores etc.

Make a plan, so everythign is equal.

if he goes along and does his fair share good. If he doesnt you should quit and tell him to get his ass back to work you are not his slave.

[pinkdelight]

I totally second Pottinista and am astonished at the attitude by several posters about his 'allegedly fragile mental state'. The man has had a breakdown and been signed off work for six weeks! What is alledged about that? If it were a woman with PND, I guarantee there'd be a very different response and people would sympathise with her need for time and space to get well again. I've thankfully never been that badly affected, but I know that when you are in such a state, pottering and such is all you can cope with and if you're taking time out from a stressful job, the last thing you need is hassling about rotas and housework (which - though I know others are much more regimented - to me can really be allowed to slide in such situations).

I'm not saying when he's better he will suddenly be up for doing his share - if a man agreed to a trad set-up, it's fair to assume he's no domestic angle. But I don't think it's at all fair to judge his behaviour till he is feeling better. Whatever changes need making should be gradual. Lay off with the coffees and such and adjust your own expectations of how much housework needs doing. Maybe enjoy a potter/lie-in yourself - the world won't end.

[compromise]

countto -

Thats interesting you went through a similar thing.

Thing is, my DH seems reluctant to change jobs. He just wants to go part time and wants me to find part time work too.

Maybe he does feel alot of pressure with regards to being the sole breadwinner. However, it's a relatively new situation. I have my own saving from when I worked. I use these for any personal things I want and for some things for DD.

And I put petrol in the car with my savings money, buy household items and food with this money. It doesn't amount to much compared to paying a mortgage, but I try not to be a financial leech.

[boiledegg1]

What pottonista said. It sounds like DH is burned out to me. It is very very frustrating to deal with but he needs to be less fragile before you put new plans in place. Can he go back to his GP?

[GypsyMoth]

Who will look after dd whilst op had a lie in though??

[nomoreheels]

If he is genuinely burned out, then yes, he needs to rest. But he also should get help. It's not something you can get over by yourself, I think, and it can be very hard to move forward without professional help.

That said, I have been off work in a fairly serious burnout situation for 2 months and it didn't stop me keeping the house tidy. For me, it was actually part of my recovery - having time to look after my home at my own pace. Not saying that's the same for everybody, just that it would have to be quite a serious burnout to be completely incapable of any household responsibility.

The fact that he's not been involved with housework won't help how it makes you feel though, as it will be hard to know where the depression starts and ends.

How did the "breakdown" manifest itself? Did he just walk out of work? Did he emotionally breakdown in front of you? Was he given a mental health assessment?

It's possible he may be hiding from you just how badly he feels. But now is the time to talk.

[nancydrewrocked]

I am stunned at some of the views expressed on this thread. The idea that because you don't contribute financially you don't pull your weight is absurd. You have a child together: how much does he (or the other posters who have made comments) think it would cost him to pay someone to look after your child for all the hours he is unavailable to do so? That is without factoring in someone to clean the house, pick up after him and have sex whenever he requires

I'd bet my last £ that the OP's DH is getting an absolute bargain having the OP run around after him!

Firstly you need to get to the bottom of whether he is really ill or whether this is just some sort of I-fancy-a-life-change-faux-crisis.

That means first things first he needs to see a dr and you both need to talk to someone.

I suspect if he is planning on going back to work in a couple of weeks then he is actually ok. So from today you need to set the ground rules for his return to work. That means he needs to get used to looking after your DD and the house from today. Obviosuly you cannot get a job without going for interviews so tomorrow leave the house and come back after 4 hours see how he gets on.

[pinkdelight]

If he's off all the time, she could ask him to look after dd now again. That's what I mean about gradual stuff. Doesn't have to be rota'd, just as and when. You're both in bed and DD is awake and you say - 'darling, can you do it today? Thanks.' Then he can have a kip later in the day if he's tired. Just seems to me both of you need to progress gently towards teamwork rather than trad.

[catsmother]

FWIW - and I don't often talk about this I was signed off work with depression more than 20 years ago prep-children and I fully appreciate how a very stressful job can make you absolutely dread getting out of bed etc. In my case, I had a lot of responsibility at a comparatively young age plus a huge workload to contend with - was working from 7am to 7pm M to F, many Saturdays too and the occasional Sunday. I ended up burning myself out in effect.

Okay .... I appreciate I'm taking my life in my hands here because I know people react differently to depression, and there are obviously degrees to it too, both as you sink down and as you climb back out again, but for a very very long time I had no interest in anything. I didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to socialise, didn't want to spend time on hobbies .... I sat about in a bit of a daze for a very long time TBH and it was only as the anti-Ds & counselling began to kick in (combined I suppose with the lifting of pressure from being off work) that I gradually began to rediscover an "interest" in the world outside my own head .... so, I started to look after myself more, started to feel less frightened about speaking to other people (instead of wanting to be left alone), started to think that maybe it would be nice to go for a short walk. When I was really depressed though, i.e. when I was signed off work, I couldn't have contemplated going shopping for shoes despite the fact it's something I enjoy "normally". In other words, it was impossible for me to pick and choose which bits of my life I could "enjoy" as it was all awful at that time.

With my heart in my mouth .... I have to say that your description of your DH's breakdown does sound a little, how shall we say, "odd". Obviously I'm not a doctor and I've never met him, but it doesn't sound like a complete breakdown if he's able to function normally when he wants to. That's not to say he wasn't feeling stressed at work and that his doctor thought a few weeks off to recharge his batteries would be a good idea .... but I can't help feeling that he's making the most of it, especially when his mood appears to change when attention is drawn to it. A bit like a young child wanting a day off school and coughing to order.

[pinkdelight]

That was in reply to ILoveTiffany btw.

[Snuppeline]

Upahill with regards to the rota (your post on page 2) I must say that a boyfriend and mine a few years back had a three week rota which split our appartment and chores into two, you had a week to do your chores and if you didn't you got a "lazy sod" mark on the rota, three lazy sods and you had to be house slave for a day to do whatever the other person wanted. Now now you dirty little minds on MN it did not exclusively involve sex. And if you wonder, I was the one with most occurrances of the three strikes ... just trying to say that a rota can be brilliant for plenty of reasons!

[feeimcgee]

OP, I really sympathise with you! I used to get so frustrated with my DH and his unfair, veiled comments about me not doing enough to contribute. I work part time. Things only changed when, at the end of my maternity leave with second child, I went back to work on a Monday when he is off. So he looks after the two of them by himself that day. It was the only thing that opened his eyes to how looking after the kids and the home is a job in itself. That's what I suggest you and your DH do. He certainly wouldn't moan any more.

[feeimcgee]

Also, when I was on mat leave, of course I did the work in the day time, but didn't see why this should extend to the weekends and evenings. In other words, the two of us should share the work outwith normal "working hours". So, share the cooking, and childcare.

[GypsyMoth]

Pinkdelight.......it's a fast moving thread! But op days she's asked him to already and he won't!

But he WILL get up and do stuff for himself.

[Checkmate]

I suggest you look for part-time, weekend work. This way he will have to get up and active with your DC.

A few months of that might persuade him that his old 9-5 set up with weekends off wasn't so bad after all.

[compromise]

nomoreheels -

the breakdown manifested itself like this:

We had an argument weeks and weeks ago. A stupid thing over the cat. We have recently moved house so things have been v. stressful anyway.

He always does get extremely angry during arguments, but this time it went way further than normal.

He was walking around the house screaming obscenities, smashing things. He then got me out of bed (where I was with DD...too scared to move) at 11pm. He told me to sit downstairs. I did. He started to scream at me, I tried to leave. He started pushing me around. He told me I had ruined his life, that I was a bitch. It was beyond hideous.

I called my sister in desperation. She came over to try and diffuse things. The next day he told me he would go see a doctor. he did. he was then signed off work due to stress related symptoms. He was given anti-anxiety meds.

[theevildead2]

My suspician is that the OP will disappear for 4-5 hrs a day with her job and return to Dh having done bugger all. Please don't let that hhappen

[darleneconnor]

"He started pushing me around"

he is being abusive- you need to GET OUT NOW

[nomoreheels]

Anhedonia (the inability to find pleasure in activities that normally you happy) is a symptom of depression.

It does seem a little odd that he is ok to leave the house to shop for parts and potter doing his hobbies, but everything else makes him tired when you talk to him about it or discuss how it would work if you both work.

It may be that his depression is defined by needing to feel completely responsibility-free. But it is unfair, I think, to not tell you this.

Really, the only way you are going to get to the bottom of this is if he is prepared to open up and talk. Not just say "I'm tired" but to really explain how he is feeling, what his stress triggers are etc.

[theevildead2]

I'd say a divorce was probably in order then not just him getting to do fuck all at home