to have expected more?

[compromise]

Have namechanged...

DH and I have been married for 2 years. We have a 15 month old DD. From the outset, we agreed that we would have an uber traditional home set up. I have always wanted to have a family and be a SAHM. In return for his supporting us financially, I do everything else. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Every night feeding. Every scrap of housework, all the cooking and pretty much all of the childcare. I bring him all of this his coffee in bed every morning and make him a lunch to take to work. The same rules apply on weekends. He sleeps in late, I bring his coffee to him in bed.

When we first agreed our roles, he seemed thrilled. And I have been happy to fulfil my end of things. It seemed a sacrifice worth making to enjoy being at home with DD. And I do love him, so bringing him coffee etc was not just a chore.

But in the past few months, he has become more and more unhappy. He has never loved his work (works in IT) but has become increasingly resentful of it. He hates the people, the stress, his boss...everything.

A few weeks ago, he had a sort of 'breakdown'. He has been signed off work for 6 weeks now and has recently announced to me that he feels our set up is 'not even' and he wants to equalise it. I asked him to elaborate. He said he thought it would be nice if we both worked and part time and just sorted out the house/childcare stuff as and when it was needed. No fixed agreements.
He told me he felt that I did not make an equal contribution and did not 'pull my weight'. Were it not for my jaw dropping to the ground, I would have walked out there and then.

And to be frank, I'm incredulous about this breakdown. He seems very happy to potter around the garage, building various things and going shopping for tools and car parts and the like. He sleeps in 'til midday every day, stays up late and seems generally content. He laughs and jokes about and then when I remind him about his fragile state of mind (by asking how he is feeling etc), he will change tack and tell me how tired he is. He says he is not ok but there is little evidence to the contrary. I am still doing everything I was doing before plus extra (now he's home all day, I make his lunch, bring him tea and snacks etc).

I always believed that compromise and sacrifice were necessary for a happy marriage. I'm not afraid to put in some hard graft and put his interests before my own at times. But I feel increasingly taken for granted. There seems to be no give and take here.

And now...now he has the gall to say things are not equal.

So tell me MN, before I lose my mind...AIBU?

Sorry it's a long one.

[GypsyMoth]

So he was abusive and it's been swept under the carpet disguised as a breakdown...... And no other breakdown symptoms?

This was just reserved for you..... He didn't scream or shout or drag colleagues around?

[Litchick]

Has his anger ever manifested itself this way before?

I ask because out of character outbursts can be a sign of mental health issues.

I once had a nice gentle boyfriend who one day went completly off the wall. Screaming, punching doors etc. He went to the docs the next day and his blood pressure was sky high.

[BalloonSlayer]

Proper talk time.

"Not now, but when you're better, and we are both working 2.5 days a week:

"DD wakes in the night and I am at work the next day . . . who gets up?

"On days I am at work . . . who clears up all the toys of an evening?

"On days I am at work . . . who makes the dinner?

"On days I am at work . . . who does the washing up?"

etc

He may well say, "Well ME of course! It's only fair."

Which would be great.

But if he suggests that he thinks you will be doing all those tasks, you will need to tell him he must be raving MAD if he thinks that you are going to be doing any housework or childcare after a days work when he has been - not a phrase you'd choose yourself, but he likes it - "swanning around at home."

[JodiesMummy]

So your efforts to be the perfect wife arent making him happy are they Compromise?

I see this so often - women who think because they "do everything" in the home,
they are good partners, but it takes more than that. I guarantee he does not even see the stuff you see around the house. It would not even come up on his radar.

What he wants is reassurance that you will take the strain. He is lashing out because it does sound like you are reacting to him quite clinically. He is really wrong to treat you that way - Im not sure anti anxiety meds will sort this, I think its a communication issue.

[compromise]

No, no. He didn't actually hit me. He wasn't abusive.

He pushed me around but he didn't hurt me. Or DD. Just to make that clear.

[nomoreheels]

Sorry compromise, cross-post with your last one.

That gives so much more information - what a terrifying night for you and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Nothing justifies extreme anger and violence although he must have been very unwell. At least he went to get some help the next day though. Has he been angry or threatening since?

I'm sure the medication will have some effect but do you know if he's getting any follow up help through the GP?

Is it worth speaking to the GP yourself, if he won't? They may be able to refer him to your local CMHT. This starts with an assessment and depending on the outcome, further help, e.g. home visits with a CPN (community psych nurse) I'm not sure how this would work via the spouse but as he's already presented there for help, that might help move things along.

[traceybath]

Are you scared of him Compromise? Was that outburst the first time he's ever been like that with you?

Because from your last post that would be the thing that I would be worried about if I were you.

And from that perspective getting a part-time job and getting some financial independence would be a good thing.

[Gooftroop]

YANBU

My view:

1. You are doing far more work than your DH but it is valued by no one - sadly including many of the posters on this thread - because it is non-paid work. That is the fault of a sick society, it's not your fault.
   

1. I am willing to bet that your DH would be happy(ish) at work if you were also working. It's because he sees you at home that he has started thinking, hold on, how come I have to slog away at a job? Poor me.
   

1. He sees you being (horrors!) contented with your lifestyle and feels resentful. Why are you allowed to be contented while he isn't. He does not realise this consciously, but inside he wants to see you be a bit miserable too.
   

1. Mothers are not 'allowed' to have breakdowns, or be ill - they have families to look after. Only men.
   

1. Given that your husband is lying in bed and faffing around, I don't think I would want to leave my DD with him for the day. So you working right now is not an option. He has to be up to looking after her PROPERLY and doing half the household chores before you can start work. If he can genuinely do these things, then you could give it a go. It would give you renewed confidence and much greater say in the relationship.
   

1. Your husband is not unusual. Husbands are men and men are selfish.
   

PS -I agree with Catsmother

[Litchick]

That is often true Jodie.
I work from home so I run the household too.

DH needs not much more than a full fridge, a well stocked wine cellar and some clean shirts...the rest is window dressing.

[BalloonSlayer]

Whoops I didn't see the pushing around post.



He should be on eggshells trying to please you at the moment, I'd have thought.

[MUHAHAHADascheese]

Oh Shit lovey really?



It's starting to sound a bit typical now I'm afraid.

Buy him some tracky pants and throw away his razor because he won't be needing that while he lolls about on the sofa waiting for his meals to be delivered.

Actually it's made me really angry to hear he said all that to you. And WTF getting you and DD out of bed at 11pm to lisen to his rantings.

Unless he's been on his knees begging forgiveness from you in the meantime I think you need to get assertive quickly.

[traceybath]

You do realise that pushing you around and making you so fearful that you hid in your bed is not normal behaviour don't you?

[JodiesMummy]

Same can be said for people who work thinking they have "done their bit" by working and earning. They still need to pick up the threads at home and contribute there. To make the SAH parent feel valued and listened to.

[gingernutlover]

but compromise

pushing you around and forcing you to sit downstairs and syaing all those nasty things to you


that is all abusive

you may not thave the bruises for it but it is abuse, and shows how little respect he has for you.

[quiddity]

Apart from resting, what is he doing about his breakdown? The meds should be working by now--if they're not, he needs to go back to the GP. And getting therapy.
But I am with those who are suspicious of this breakdown if it means he can do all the fun stuff but never lift a finger to help.
Also, Op, why on earth are you having to use your savings to pay regular household outgoings? If you don't get a job, how are you supposed to maintain yourself once that money runs out? And surely under your original agreement, while you run the household and do childcare (and wait on him hand and foot) he pays the bills?
I'm sorry to have to say I don't think any amount of reasoning with him about rotas is going to help. He's convinced himself that the original deal was somehow unfair to him because he had the financial responsibility, decided that households magically run themselves, and wants to hand over the whole burden to his all-too-compliant DW, with the added threat of screaming fits, smashing things and terrorising your DD if he doesn't get his way.

[darleneconnor]

he IS being abusive- you are suffering from cognitive dissonance!

[compromise]

Sorry if I'm missing ppl's posts...trying to read and reply quickly.

Jodie - no. I'm obviously not making him happy. I have got it wrong. Clearly. I am trying to make amends though and figure out what to do (hence posting here).

Litchick - He doesn't do well when we argue. he does get very angry, so I find it easier to try not to antagonise him. He says I can really wind him up, so I'm trying to learn what it is I say or do that upset me, so I can avoid saying/doing those things. I do take responsibility for my part in arguments.

tracey - I do get scared of him when he's furious. But only then. Never at other times.

he is still seeing his GP and is still on meds. He has been telling his GP he wants/needs time off work and how much. His GP has signed him off on this basis, on DH's terms.

[nancydrewrocked]

Compromise please listen very carefully:

Men who drag their wives out of bed are abusive.

Men who scream at their wives are abusive.

Men who push their wives are abusive.

Men who call their wives names are abusive.


Woman who need to call a relative to come round a diffuse an argument are being abused.

Please think about it.

[MUHAHAHADascheese]

Compromise

Not sure if my posts are showing up to you as you're not responding to any of my points

What do you mean YOU'VE got it wrong? why are YOU the ony one working at this.

Seriously, read what you are writing here here, You are taking too much responsibility for all this.

[MUHAHAHADascheese]

Incidentally he only NEEDS you to be scared when he's furious, otherwse you'd walk out with DD if you were scared all the time. He just needs you to be scared enough when it counts to maintain control.

[quiddity]

"He says I can really wind him up, so I'm trying to learn what it is I say or do that upset me, so I can avoid saying/doing those things. I do take responsibility for my part in arguments."
Don't. There is nothing you can do/not do or say/not say that will stop it.
This is abuse.

[compromise]

Sorry MUHAHA - I'm honestly not ignoring anyone...

I meant I have got it wrong, in relation to what Jodie said about me not making DH happy. I just meant that is obviously right but that I am trying to figure out how to make him happy now.

[traceybath]

Oh dear Compromise - I think the part-time job thing is the least of your worries.

Perhaps writing all this down and re-reading this thread will clarify things a bit.

Also could be worth posting this in relationships as not sure AIBU is a great place for this to be honest.

[JodiesMummy]

I just meant by doing everything for him - its not making him happy. Not that you yourself dont make him happy.

Dont let this turn into a bashing-yourself thread. You sound like the level headed one in your marriage TBH.

[compromise]

Ok...there are a few scary posts here.

He hasn't ever hit me. I don't want to think of him as abusive. I don't think that can be right. I can be annoying and I do wind him up. I'm trying to keep my marriage together, I just wanted to vent/to find out some other opinions.