to have expected more?

[compromise]

Have namechanged...

DH and I have been married for 2 years. We have a 15 month old DD. From the outset, we agreed that we would have an uber traditional home set up. I have always wanted to have a family and be a SAHM. In return for his supporting us financially, I do everything else. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Every night feeding. Every scrap of housework, all the cooking and pretty much all of the childcare. I bring him all of this his coffee in bed every morning and make him a lunch to take to work. The same rules apply on weekends. He sleeps in late, I bring his coffee to him in bed.

When we first agreed our roles, he seemed thrilled. And I have been happy to fulfil my end of things. It seemed a sacrifice worth making to enjoy being at home with DD. And I do love him, so bringing him coffee etc was not just a chore.

But in the past few months, he has become more and more unhappy. He has never loved his work (works in IT) but has become increasingly resentful of it. He hates the people, the stress, his boss...everything.

A few weeks ago, he had a sort of 'breakdown'. He has been signed off work for 6 weeks now and has recently announced to me that he feels our set up is 'not even' and he wants to equalise it. I asked him to elaborate. He said he thought it would be nice if we both worked and part time and just sorted out the house/childcare stuff as and when it was needed. No fixed agreements.
He told me he felt that I did not make an equal contribution and did not 'pull my weight'. Were it not for my jaw dropping to the ground, I would have walked out there and then.

And to be frank, I'm incredulous about this breakdown. He seems very happy to potter around the garage, building various things and going shopping for tools and car parts and the like. He sleeps in 'til midday every day, stays up late and seems generally content. He laughs and jokes about and then when I remind him about his fragile state of mind (by asking how he is feeling etc), he will change tack and tell me how tired he is. He says he is not ok but there is little evidence to the contrary. I am still doing everything I was doing before plus extra (now he's home all day, I make his lunch, bring him tea and snacks etc).

I always believed that compromise and sacrifice were necessary for a happy marriage. I'm not afraid to put in some hard graft and put his interests before my own at times. But I feel increasingly taken for granted. There seems to be no give and take here.

And now...now he has the gall to say things are not equal.

So tell me MN, before I lose my mind...AIBU?

Sorry it's a long one.

[Diamondback]

OP, I know you've said he won't agree to look after DD and the house for a couple of days - so don't ask. Just do what a couple of other posters have suggested and book up a couple of days with Agency appointments, visits to job centre, shopping for work clothes, meetings with old work contacts to get back on the job scene, etc and just leave the house.

And don't do the breakfast dishes before you leave!

ring home about 5pm, traffic problems, no bus, whatever, and ask him to put the dinner on.

Do this for 2-3 days solid and in the meantime, don't do any housework.

If you don't have appointments/meetings, make them up.

After a couple of days, show him that you want to support his wishes for a more equal household by showing him that you've costed up childcare (for the days when your jobs overlap), worked out what jobs you're still willing to do around the house and which you're going to leave for him and ask him whether he'd prefer his weekend lie-in to be on Saturday or Sunday, so you can bag the other day. And you've worked all this out because you appreciate how much pressure he's been under, being the sole breadwinner, so you want to help him as much as you can

I hope it works out.

[Laquitar]

Diamond i don't think this is a good idea to do to someone who is signed off work for breakdown.
I wouldn't put my baby at risk in order to prove a point.
It is not the right time for OP to suddenly go for revolution when she has insisted all this year to play 'happy 50's housewife'.

[expatinscotland]

'Breakdown' aside, this guy is never going to do FA in the house or childcare because he believes it's women's work.

So this OP needs to decide if she still wants to stay with him after she goes back to work, because she'll be going back to work no matter, either part-time if she decides to stay with him and keep him on as a pet or full-time if she decides otherwise to strike out on her own.

The husband is right, things are not equal. They never will be because he wants to check out of family life and potter about.

[hairytriangle]

This sounds luke a troubled relationship where you can't both express your needs. I think you've had the very rough end of the deal but you've also accepted that be will be the "provider". I suggest marital counselling.

[fel1x]

At the moment he has left everything in your court to 'solve'
He's basically said he wants you to work but wont discuss with you any of the issues that need sorting out first - such as whether he will look aafter your DD while you work, who will do the cooking and cleaning etc

I'd try and put the ball back in his court. Say very firmly, or write it down if you need to.

I know you are ill and I want to everything I can to help you get better. If that means getting a job, then I will, even though I would rather not.
I cant, however, go to work until I know that you are well enough to look after DD and to take on all the work I do in the house while I am working. Its very hard work and I know you are not up to it at the moment.

Let me know when you are ready to give it a try and I will take a couple of days to go out job hunting while you ahve a trial run of looking after DD and the house. After all, you may find that its easier being at work! ha ha.
So, to confirm, I'll start looking for work as soon as you are well enough to take on the stay at home role'

Then juaat carry on as you are! You CANNOT go to work when he is not well enough to look after DD. After all, you working and paying for childcare would prob equate to the same amunt financially as if you didndt work at all and looked after DD yourself.

Dont tie yourself in knots trying to find a solution. Let him work out for himself that if he wants you to take on half his responsibilites then he will have to take on half of yours!