to have expected more?

[compromise]

Have namechanged...

DH and I have been married for 2 years. We have a 15 month old DD. From the outset, we agreed that we would have an uber traditional home set up. I have always wanted to have a family and be a SAHM. In return for his supporting us financially, I do everything else. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Every night feeding. Every scrap of housework, all the cooking and pretty much all of the childcare. I bring him all of this his coffee in bed every morning and make him a lunch to take to work. The same rules apply on weekends. He sleeps in late, I bring his coffee to him in bed.

When we first agreed our roles, he seemed thrilled. And I have been happy to fulfil my end of things. It seemed a sacrifice worth making to enjoy being at home with DD. And I do love him, so bringing him coffee etc was not just a chore.

But in the past few months, he has become more and more unhappy. He has never loved his work (works in IT) but has become increasingly resentful of it. He hates the people, the stress, his boss...everything.

A few weeks ago, he had a sort of 'breakdown'. He has been signed off work for 6 weeks now and has recently announced to me that he feels our set up is 'not even' and he wants to equalise it. I asked him to elaborate. He said he thought it would be nice if we both worked and part time and just sorted out the house/childcare stuff as and when it was needed. No fixed agreements.
He told me he felt that I did not make an equal contribution and did not 'pull my weight'. Were it not for my jaw dropping to the ground, I would have walked out there and then.

And to be frank, I'm incredulous about this breakdown. He seems very happy to potter around the garage, building various things and going shopping for tools and car parts and the like. He sleeps in 'til midday every day, stays up late and seems generally content. He laughs and jokes about and then when I remind him about his fragile state of mind (by asking how he is feeling etc), he will change tack and tell me how tired he is. He says he is not ok but there is little evidence to the contrary. I am still doing everything I was doing before plus extra (now he's home all day, I make his lunch, bring him tea and snacks etc).

I always believed that compromise and sacrifice were necessary for a happy marriage. I'm not afraid to put in some hard graft and put his interests before my own at times. But I feel increasingly taken for granted. There seems to be no give and take here.

And now...now he has the gall to say things are not equal.

So tell me MN, before I lose my mind...AIBU?

Sorry it's a long one.

hadn't read the pushing around post.

This guy is dangerous.

Bad scene - get help.

And all in front of your dd!!

Does he ever go out of his way to interact with her? Play with her? Take her out?

You can't love, the goalposts are going to keep on moving.

If you've said, fair enough I'll do what you want and get a part time job with your best winning smile and he goes, ok but actually I'm not prepared to even discuss sharing household responsibilities...where do you truly think this is going?

I'd be getting a part ime job just to get out of the house and get some independence tbh, it sounds like you're a bit isolated.

have you got anyone outside fmaily you can talk to/get out for a drink with?

Goof & Co. As usual its ambulance chasing time! You are all muddying the waters. He has shouted at her in temper, broken a few plates. OP has consistently said he is not violent towards her or DD. Back the fuck off if you have no real advice.

Jodies

No, the OP is muddying the waters by suddenly telling us something that changes the whole tenor of her original post and all posts since.

Compromise this is much bigger than housework. I'm sorry love but he is abusive. I suspected it earlier in the thread when it was clear that you weren't able to really talk to him and instead you were writing cvs and seething with resentment. Non abusive partners can talk to each other, even if it means the other one won't like what they say, even if it means the other one might get angry, because they are not scared of them.

Tiffany,

He does play and interact with DD. He is v. loving towards her. He doesnt take her out on his own much, altough on occasion he has. He finds it a bit stressful.

He has a temper - scary eh?

So do I - doesnt make me a danger to live with.

Erm he IS abusive!!!

Jodie that's very naive of you! Abuse is more than actually punching/hitting/smacking someone you know? Clearly you don't!!

Op was scared, had to call for help and you say it's not abuse? Ok then!

Jodie-this is the pattern of how abuse develops- it starts with a few 'small' things which the victim dismisses then gradually over months/years gets worse UNLESS SHE LEAVES

Her and her DD are in danger, that is more important than housework/jobs etc

compromise

we can all be annoying and we all wind our partenrs up - thats because we are human

you alone are not responsible for making him happy,he is also responsible for that.

if i was you I would sit him down and tell him that the way he behaved towards you when he had his breakdown was utterly unnacceptable and that you will not stay if he does it ever again (at this point he should apologise) and also exlpain that you are very willing to make things more equal but that this will involve him doing half of everything at home if you are both working the same hours. If he doesnt agree to this then you arent prepared to go out to work.

see what he says

i would also say to him that you relaise he may not be well enough to help out much to begin with and that you are happy to take up the slack at home for a few weeks but that come new year (or whenever, give him a date) you expect him to step up. Be very very clear about what is going to happen, take charge and be assertive!

Look, the argument thing. He apologised afterwards and said he would see a doctor and get some help to calm down.

So I let it go. But the help he is getting is extending to changing everything about our life and taking months off work.

I am incredulous as to whether he really is stressed, or depressed. I suspect he might be playing things up to the GP.

There's more to abuse than being violent, though it can start in other ways and progress to violence. Op, perhaps you should read
this and see if he ticks any of the boxes.
Jodiesmummy, you might learn something from it too.

Unusual outbursts of anger can, as someone else said, can be a sign of mental health problems.

I'm sure people are only concerned to hear of what happened to you, and to make sure you aren't a) playing it down and b) that you and your DD are safe etc.

If you say that this was a one off, that he's not normally like that and that he hasn't been like that since, then that's a good sign - but of course keep an eye on it. Even better if he has apologised and talked about it with you. Does he remember that night? Does he know how scared you were? Is he sorry?

For example, last year my DP came home after a few pints with a friend. His mum had rung him while he was there and they'd had a row about a serious family problem. Not great timing on her part and not helped by beer. He came home in an extremely distressed state, crying and angry, and punched a small hole in a wall out of frustration. But we talked it out. I can safely say that I fully understood what had happened, and it didn't happen again. He was hugely embarrassed. (I also made it clear that it was not an appropriate response - you can't go around punching walls - and he agreed.)

BUT I'd say it again - it really sounds like he needs more than just meds. Unfortunately some GPs tend to do a lot of prescribing and don't refer for psychological help without a bit of a push so it may need some insistence. (I work in a field where we are constantly working at trying to get people help, so I consider myself experienced enough to make that statement.)

JodiesMummy great post

having a temper isn't what people were expressing shock about, dragging compromise and DD out of bed at 11pm to listen to a litany of how unhappy she made him was the part that rang alarm bells for me.

It's about respect.

Op..... He got you out of bed at 11 pm and told you to go downstairs and sit! You did! WHY????

Why don't YOU got to the GP, compromise. Tell him about how your DH is now saying that you've got to work part-time, and that he won't do housework. Ask if the GP knows exactly what happened that night, whether your DH told him that:

"He was walking around the house screaming obscenities, smashing things. He then got me out of bed (where I was with DD...too scared to move) at 11pm. He told me to sit downstairs. I did. He started to scream at me, I tried to leave. He started pushing me around. He told me I had ruined his life, that I was a bitch. It was beyond hideous."

or whether he said he was a bit stressed with work.

(GP won't be able to answer though)

Ask GP's opinion whether you should leave your DD in the care of a man who behaves like that when "stressed," when he says having to look after DD by himself makes him "stressed."

Something has to give here.

He got you out of bed, took you downstairs at 11pm at night, and screamed at you?

That is abusive.

Please get some rl help from outside your marriage- this needs mediation.

His actions do sound depressive- I was like this when I was depressed, could function perfectly well when 'on task' but fell apart the second I got home.
But he is an adult with responsibilities- he has to do his fair share, and you are being very accommodating as far as I can see whereby you are allowing him to choose the dividing line.
I have never allowed myself to get as far as being full-on depressed once my children were born- children deserve more. (and so should partners too!)

Balloon Slayer says sense

Oh god oh god oh god, compromise. I've got goosebumps reading your story. That's EXACTLY what happened with my DP. He'd go ballistic over some weirdly tiny thing, start lobbing these horrible accusations around, call me 'bitch', 'grifter', 'whore', all sorts. It was devastating. I was so confused, and he would say things that were so hurtful, really just cut to the bone and were so bizarre coming from this funny, loving, kind man who - as far as I could make out before - adored me. And the most horrible thing was to see someone I loved to bits sort of disappear, in that he was walking and talking but the man I knew just wasn't there any more. And then the next day he'd be aghast at what he'd done.

Hearing that, take it from me: if he's having dissociative episodes, he is in a dreadful state. Is his digestion dodgy at the moment? Have his sleep patterns gone weird? Is he getting panic attacks? Is his sex drive out of kilter? Any or all these things - along with the dissociative rage you described, are symptoms of a condition you have to take seriously if you love him.

You need to talk to him URGENTLY about what's going on underneath. For my DP, what happened in the end was that I started asking questions about his childhood. Then it all came out: violent family, sexual abuse, EVIL teachers and a workplace where he was both the highest achiever and constantly bullied because he wasn't as posh as everyone else. He cried for 24 hours. After that he started seeing a counsellor, ended up spending 2 weeks in a very expensive rehab centre for stress (thank god for BUPA) and after a lot of struggle on both our parts - nearly 2 years later - I've got my wonderful man back just as he was, only somewhat wiser and more self-aware.

But it was a bumpy ride, and there were times when it was touch and go whether we'd make it. I wish I could do more than wish you good luck, but if I can be any help at all as someone who's been there please PM me.

There was a poster here who experienced sudden violence from her h.......... Everyone thought breakdown too....... He tried to strangle her, she lost consciousness, this was a year or so back. Turned out there was NO breakdown , depression, stress or mental illness........ It was drug use!

Actually, if he's never done it before, found himself out of control, shouted and screamed (so hands up who has never, in their worst most breakdown moment never screamed in front of their child or scared them? Good for you all), said sorry, immediately realised he was ill and went to get help, then personally I do believe that to be different than an abuser who thinks it is OK to do these things and does it to gain power. He doesn't think it's ok, and has probably scared himself as well as you.

However, you do not want a repeat. Ever. He has to know that. Plus your channels of communication sound terrible, he's bottling stuff up and can't tell you you need to share his financial burden, you are playing Stepford Wives and hoping it doesn't all come crashing down (and it has). I think your marriage might actually get a lot better as a result of this if you have to start talking about what you both really really want, no 'sacrifices', no pretend 'doting' (and it must have been a bit pretend really) and no him pretending that everything is fine for him when it isn't. I would definitely suggest counselling, mentioning his breakdown and how scary that was for you.

I am perfectly aware of what constitutes an abusive relationship thank you very much.

Sadly.

I dont think this is one. But its just words on a page - none of us has a real window on what goes on in OP's home. Not one of you responders has concrete evidence OP has been abused in any other way than verbally. Of course that is not acceptable - but show me a relationship where people do not get angry. Show me a relationship where arguments are not had at the odd inappropriate moment. Or late at night. I know we have had lots of horrible rows - I am not an abused woman and my DH is not an abused man. We are human we get angry and upset and sometimes the closest one to us gets the brunt of it. Who else loves you enough to sit and listen to your bullshit sometimes?

Sorry Compromise - for some reason you seemed to get a real grilling on here earlier on, but I'm behind you 100%.

So, this is a man who works 9 to 5.30pm (which frankly is not long hours in this day and age) and then comes home and does precisely NOTHING around the house?
Doesn't help bathe DD?
Doesn't help with dinner or at least wash up after you're cooked?
Rarely takes DD out as he finds it 'stressful'?
Lies in every single weekend and basically sits on his fat arse, in return for working in an office for 8 hours a day?

And now he has a 'breakdown', which means he still does precisely nothing around the house but is strangely able to get out of bed to attend to his hobbies. You are married to the man and are rightly qualified to say whether you think this is a real 'breakdown' or not. You don't sound like a callous cow who would doubt your own DH for an instant, if you didn't have your internal alarm bells ringing (and for good reason, too).

Frankly, the whole set-up is wrong. You have made a rod for your own back by catering to his every need, I'm afraid, but the more pressing need to address here is:

a) His total lack of parenting towards DD

and

b) His violent outburst (which IS abusive) and the fact that you can't talk to him - he likes to lay down the rules. You must be able to talk to your husband without fear of him flying off the handle, or simply rejecting everything out of hand without discussion.

If you don't have that, you don't have a marriage.

The housework versus part-time work issue is not the real problem I don't think.

The real problem here is that you are married to a man who is a shit father, who treats you like an unpaid domestic servant and who has been violent and aggressive towards you and your DD.

Hopefully others will be along to offer better advice on how to proceed from here.

Good luck - please don't doubt yourself for an instant. You sound very level-headed.

Ok,

I think I might take a little break just for a bit. There is alot to take in here. Some of it I expected, some of it is a bit tough to read.

Thanks all for the comments.

I'm going to have a read back later and try to clear my mind. I'm so bloomin' tired and nervous, it's hard to know whats what.