to have expected more?

[compromise]

Have namechanged...

DH and I have been married for 2 years. We have a 15 month old DD. From the outset, we agreed that we would have an uber traditional home set up. I have always wanted to have a family and be a SAHM. In return for his supporting us financially, I do everything else. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Every night feeding. Every scrap of housework, all the cooking and pretty much all of the childcare. I bring him all of this his coffee in bed every morning and make him a lunch to take to work. The same rules apply on weekends. He sleeps in late, I bring his coffee to him in bed.

When we first agreed our roles, he seemed thrilled. And I have been happy to fulfil my end of things. It seemed a sacrifice worth making to enjoy being at home with DD. And I do love him, so bringing him coffee etc was not just a chore.

But in the past few months, he has become more and more unhappy. He has never loved his work (works in IT) but has become increasingly resentful of it. He hates the people, the stress, his boss...everything.

A few weeks ago, he had a sort of 'breakdown'. He has been signed off work for 6 weeks now and has recently announced to me that he feels our set up is 'not even' and he wants to equalise it. I asked him to elaborate. He said he thought it would be nice if we both worked and part time and just sorted out the house/childcare stuff as and when it was needed. No fixed agreements.
He told me he felt that I did not make an equal contribution and did not 'pull my weight'. Were it not for my jaw dropping to the ground, I would have walked out there and then.

And to be frank, I'm incredulous about this breakdown. He seems very happy to potter around the garage, building various things and going shopping for tools and car parts and the like. He sleeps in 'til midday every day, stays up late and seems generally content. He laughs and jokes about and then when I remind him about his fragile state of mind (by asking how he is feeling etc), he will change tack and tell me how tired he is. He says he is not ok but there is little evidence to the contrary. I am still doing everything I was doing before plus extra (now he's home all day, I make his lunch, bring him tea and snacks etc).

I always believed that compromise and sacrifice were necessary for a happy marriage. I'm not afraid to put in some hard graft and put his interests before my own at times. But I feel increasingly taken for granted. There seems to be no give and take here.

And now...now he has the gall to say things are not equal.

So tell me MN, before I lose my mind...AIBU?

Sorry it's a long one.

[GypsyMoth]

Not at work today then Jodie??

[JodiesMummy]

Chili I dont think she has agreed to be his servant!

[JodiesMummy]

Chaotic its is no biggie because it has to be! There is no other way. And I have already explained DH works six days a week and had DD lots at the weekend.

[SparklingExplosionGoldBrass]

OK, one thing which he may not have considered is: how easy is it going to be for you to actually get a job? They are not exactly easy to pick up at the moment - what skills/experience do you have?
Other than that, though, you've got to make sure he understands that making your marriage more egual will mean him doing his share of domestic shitwork, and not just the 'man' jobs that don't need doing very often and are less tedious than the 'woman' jobs - the fairest way to divide housework is to ensure that both of you have the same amount of leisure time per week.

[JodiesMummy]

ILT - no - I have Parents Afternoon at school today. Is that OK or do us working mothers have restrictions on when we can venture into the realms of Mumsnet?

[compromise]

Chil,

Yup. I think you're right. I wanted to be a SAHM. In return, I promised him I would make it worth his while. i have tried to be a model wife and think of him first in return for the chance to be at home.

Now I'm facing the prospect of having to do everything plus get a paid job.

When I mentioned setting up a rota for housework under the new set-up, he told me he wouldnt be signing any rota and we will work things out as and when...

I feel really trapped. I'm trying to be supportive but inside, I'm worried.

[ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers]

Sorry several x posts there.

The thank you was to independiente

[whatdoiknowanyway]

Get real and get a job.
If your husband's mental health is fragile the thought that he is totally responsible for all financial stuff is probably terrifying. Don't you care?
I saw a lot of this with my male colleagues with SAH wives. They suffered much more than the rest of us in periods of job uncertainty as they knew if anything happened to them or to their job then their family would be in big trouble. It's a lot of pressure.(and yes I know pressure is even worse in single parent families but that is not what is under discusson here)
Also maybe he feels distanced from his child as you do everything and he wants to be a bit more involved?
And perhaps he would like to cook occasionally, run round after you? Perhaps he feels he is only valued for his financial contribution and has no other place in your life.

You are living the life you choose and say you don't mind any of the work as it is what you want to do. Good for you.
Your husband is signalling loud and clear that he is NOT happy with his side. He is asking for help.

If this was a post about a SAHM whose husband insisted she did everything at home as he brought the money in then there would be so much aggression towards him. To me this seems very similar. It is supposed to be a partnership - talk with him and work out a compromise which suits you both.
Your husband is unhappy and want to be more involved in domestic routine and your child's life - you should at least consider this.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

You look after your DD nearly 100% of the time. You pick up after your DH, you do all the cooking, cleaning, all housework, bring him breakfast in bed, have sex with him whenever he wants to and generally treat him like a king?

Well YABU to do that! Jesus woman, you have been well taken for a ride! He has you doing everything around the house, servicing his every need, making his life as easy as possible, and he has the cheek to say you 'aren't pulling your weight'? Fuck that. I am 100% in favour of whatever set up works for you, and I do not believe the 'traditional' set up is better or worse than a non-trad one, if both partners respect each other and their contribution, and both do their fair share. Since when does working 40 hours a week equal a fair share though? I work f/t and also do housework and childcare when I get home, DH does childcare and housework when I'm at work, and works when I'm at home....running a house and looking after a child takes far more hours than 40 a week, it can't be left to one partner while the other gets to clock off at 5 and do fuck all else.

I think I would use the opportunity, while he is signed off work, to disappear for a few days. Your DD will manage just fine without you, and you can give him a taste of what it's like to f/t parent. Then when you come back, make a list of all the jobs you do, and how long you spend doing them. Explain that you are very grateful that he has brought to your attention how unequal things are, and you need a better division of time...so he can either stay working f/t but allocate himself an hour's worth of housework each day to be completed after DD goes to bed....or he can go part time, and do everything you do when you are at work....see what he thinks would suit him more? Either way, your current status is part SAHM, part doormat

[ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers]

Right tell him that if he wants you to get a job then he's going to have to commit to a rota for both housework and childcare. If he wants an equal relationship then he's going to have to do regular housework/childcare and not 'as and when'.

[counttothree]

compromise, I have a husband very similar. He too had a breakdown and I was willing to go back to work if it came to it. However, I was very concerned about what would happen to all the housework etc as he simply doesn't notice when the house is a tip. I could see myself working and still doing everything and I mean absolutely everything at home. I think my dh saw a scenerio of my salary appearing in the bank every month and everything in the house staying just the same ie v comfortable for him.
This wouldn't have been the case because the house doesn't take care of itself. I don't 'swan' around all day either, I have no help. If you were to go back to work has your dh thought about who will look after sick children when they can't be at school or have to be collected early? What about the school holidays?
Does your dh have a realistic idea of what it's like being at home all the time. It won't be like a weekend every day and it's also very difficult / impossible to indulge your hobbies whilst looking after young children, does he understand this? I do know of families where both parents very successfully work pt and share the childcare and household tasks but both are equally committed to it.

In the end my DH changed his job and he is much happier now. Although he works long hours, I don't expect him to do anything in the house. In the end I didn't have to go back to work once he'd changed his job to something that's made him much happier. Is this something that your dh could do?

It might be worth going to see a Relate counsellor together to sort out what is going on here. How much is down to your dh's breakdown and how much might be marital tensions. The counselling might also be helpful in itself for your dh.

[colditz]

he thinks it's easy to be at home because when HE is at home, HIS life is easy.... because YOU have made it so.

Overcaring for someone will wreck their self esteem. You owe it to his mental health to stop pandering to him. He's not three. He's a grown man and to be unable to care for himself when perfectly well is utterly pathetic and very unattractive.

[GypsyMoth]

Whatdoiknowanyway..... Hmm so you think he would like to be more involved and do more??? So why the he'll won't he agree to??? Cake and eat it spring to mind here!!

Op...... You are left with dd whilst he 'potters' In the garage I assume? He's not breaking his neck trying to spend time with her???

[compromise]

SEGB,

I worked before I had DD. I'm now 27. I have a decent degree and good employment history.

I don't think I would struggle to get something, at least I hope not.

whatdoiknowanyway,

DH hasn't mentioned wanting to be more involved in the housework/child-care.

And yes, I do care about what he says. I have told him if he wants me to get a job, I will. And I said it with a bloody smile on my face. I've already updated my CV and started registering for agencies.

just want to clear that up.

And trust me - he does not want to 'run around' after me and cook meals. He already thinks I don't pull my weight. This is the last thing on his mind.

[colditz]

by the way ... "As and when" means "You do it."

trust me on that.

[JodiesMummy]

If my DH worked and I didnt he wouldnt need to lift a finger in our house. But he would anyway because thats the kind of man he is.

You need to have a word, not really about the work thing in itself as you know he is going back at some point - but about the lack of respect he is showing you by not giving you the same treatment he expects. And stop bringing him food and drinks!

[EricNorthmansMistress]

whatdoiknowanyway - how would the burden be reduced if OP got a job and H went part time, unless the OP's job paid significantly MORE than what the H already earns? Household income is the question, doesn't really matter who earns it. Now if OP is a trained neurosurgeon and H is a barman, I can see why it would make sense for OP to work and H to cut his hours, but I'm imagining that's not the case....

[compromise]

Tiffany,

Since he's been off work for the past few weeks, nothing has changed in the set up. I do everything I did...all the childcare, housework. Plus extra bits...making him lunch, bringing him tea etc.

I do the lot.

He has not spent more time with DD alone as a result of not working.

[compromise]

EricNorthmans -

Point taken. I feel like a mug.

[colditz]

STOP CARING FOR HIM> he does not need a carer. You caring has led him to believe that he can do more than he actually can, because you are there invisibly picking up the slack. You know, like when a toddler lifts up a 'really heavy bag, mummy!' by the bottom and doesn't see you holding the handles and doing all the real work.

Cute and funny in toddlers, homocidally irritating and ridiculous in grown adults.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

based on your last post - you are a mug. Sorry.

[StripeyMoon]

compromise, and that is the way it will remain even if you do go to work. You will continue to do the housework and be in charge of childcare and he will continue as if you were still a SAHM.

The only way he will see how much you do is to do a complete role reversal - you go out to work and he does what you do. You would need to do things exactly the same. I would give him about three days before he decided work might be a good option for him. Cheeky sod.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think that you need to stop being the accommodating wife right now. He is at home all day at the moment, so time to start splitting the work 50/50.
That means he gets up in the night, makes you coffee in bed, does housework etc.

He's reneged on his side of the bargain. Personally, I think he hasn't got a clue as to all the nice little things you are doing for him that enable his life to run smoothly. He isn't appreciating what you do, so you need to stop doing it. He is taking you for granted.

Time for a proper card on the table discussion, where you agree to try and get a job on the grounds that he pulls his weight at home in a way that is acceptable to you. If he doesn't, then I would refuse to get a job on the grounds that you will be landed with everything. He has to prove that he is serious about sharing. The phrase 'put up or shut up' would be used if this was my DH.

[upahill]

Sorry but I laugh at the signing up to do a rota! What do you do, pin it up on a notice board and take gold stars off if you don't do your task.

Blimey no wonder your DH won't sign up for that.

I have been in a situation (Not through DH's fault) where all the financial burden was left to me and it was bloody frightening.

You have tried one way of doing things and ok it's great for you but it's not so good for him. There is nothing wrong with re visiting agreements and seeing if they still work. Clearly they are not.

[Hullygully]

He would like everything to stay the same, but for you to get magic money too.

What would worry the most is that he won't have a reasonable and realistic conversation about what it would all really mean. "As and when" does mean you do everything. Why is he allowed to refuse to discuss it sensibly?