to have expected more?

[compromise]

Have namechanged...

DH and I have been married for 2 years. We have a 15 month old DD. From the outset, we agreed that we would have an uber traditional home set up. I have always wanted to have a family and be a SAHM. In return for his supporting us financially, I do everything else. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Every night feeding. Every scrap of housework, all the cooking and pretty much all of the childcare. I bring him all of this his coffee in bed every morning and make him a lunch to take to work. The same rules apply on weekends. He sleeps in late, I bring his coffee to him in bed.

When we first agreed our roles, he seemed thrilled. And I have been happy to fulfil my end of things. It seemed a sacrifice worth making to enjoy being at home with DD. And I do love him, so bringing him coffee etc was not just a chore.

But in the past few months, he has become more and more unhappy. He has never loved his work (works in IT) but has become increasingly resentful of it. He hates the people, the stress, his boss...everything.

A few weeks ago, he had a sort of 'breakdown'. He has been signed off work for 6 weeks now and has recently announced to me that he feels our set up is 'not even' and he wants to equalise it. I asked him to elaborate. He said he thought it would be nice if we both worked and part time and just sorted out the house/childcare stuff as and when it was needed. No fixed agreements.
He told me he felt that I did not make an equal contribution and did not 'pull my weight'. Were it not for my jaw dropping to the ground, I would have walked out there and then.

And to be frank, I'm incredulous about this breakdown. He seems very happy to potter around the garage, building various things and going shopping for tools and car parts and the like. He sleeps in 'til midday every day, stays up late and seems generally content. He laughs and jokes about and then when I remind him about his fragile state of mind (by asking how he is feeling etc), he will change tack and tell me how tired he is. He says he is not ok but there is little evidence to the contrary. I am still doing everything I was doing before plus extra (now he's home all day, I make his lunch, bring him tea and snacks etc).

I always believed that compromise and sacrifice were necessary for a happy marriage. I'm not afraid to put in some hard graft and put his interests before my own at times. But I feel increasingly taken for granted. There seems to be no give and take here.

And now...now he has the gall to say things are not equal.

So tell me MN, before I lose my mind...AIBU?

Sorry it's a long one.

[fel1x]

At the moment he has left everything in your court to 'solve'
He's basically said he wants you to work but wont discuss with you any of the issues that need sorting out first - such as whether he will look aafter your DD while you work, who will do the cooking and cleaning etc

I'd try and put the ball back in his court. Say very firmly, or write it down if you need to.

I know you are ill and I want to everything I can to help you get better. If that means getting a job, then I will, even though I would rather not.
I cant, however, go to work until I know that you are well enough to look after DD and to take on all the work I do in the house while I am working. Its very hard work and I know you are not up to it at the moment.

Let me know when you are ready to give it a try and I will take a couple of days to go out job hunting while you ahve a trial run of looking after DD and the house. After all, you may find that its easier being at work! ha ha.
So, to confirm, I'll start looking for work as soon as you are well enough to take on the stay at home role'

Then juaat carry on as you are! You CANNOT go to work when he is not well enough to look after DD. After all, you working and paying for childcare would prob equate to the same amunt financially as if you didndt work at all and looked after DD yourself.

Dont tie yourself in knots trying to find a solution. Let him work out for himself that if he wants you to take on half his responsibilites then he will have to take on half of yours!

[hairytriangle]

This sounds luke a troubled relationship where you can't both express your needs. I think you've had the very rough end of the deal but you've also accepted that be will be the "provider". I suggest marital counselling.

[expatinscotland]

'Breakdown' aside, this guy is never going to do FA in the house or childcare because he believes it's women's work.

So this OP needs to decide if she still wants to stay with him after she goes back to work, because she'll be going back to work no matter, either part-time if she decides to stay with him and keep him on as a pet or full-time if she decides otherwise to strike out on her own.

The husband is right, things are not equal. They never will be because he wants to check out of family life and potter about.

[Laquitar]

Diamond i don't think this is a good idea to do to someone who is signed off work for breakdown.
I wouldn't put my baby at risk in order to prove a point.
It is not the right time for OP to suddenly go for revolution when she has insisted all this year to play 'happy 50's housewife'.

[Diamondback]

OP, I know you've said he won't agree to look after DD and the house for a couple of days - so don't ask. Just do what a couple of other posters have suggested and book up a couple of days with Agency appointments, visits to job centre, shopping for work clothes, meetings with old work contacts to get back on the job scene, etc and just leave the house.

And don't do the breakfast dishes before you leave!

ring home about 5pm, traffic problems, no bus, whatever, and ask him to put the dinner on.

Do this for 2-3 days solid and in the meantime, don't do any housework.

If you don't have appointments/meetings, make them up.

After a couple of days, show him that you want to support his wishes for a more equal household by showing him that you've costed up childcare (for the days when your jobs overlap), worked out what jobs you're still willing to do around the house and which you're going to leave for him and ask him whether he'd prefer his weekend lie-in to be on Saturday or Sunday, so you can bag the other day. And you've worked all this out because you appreciate how much pressure he's been under, being the sole breadwinner, so you want to help him as much as you can

I hope it works out.

[detachandtrustyourself]

bendybores, .He has said he can't do any of it because he is too tired. OP is frightened of making him angry so she can't make him do it all. He won't see what OP does all day as he stays in bed till noon, then potters about in the garage, and goes out to buy stuff to do with whatever he does in the garage.

[BendyBores]

DP and I were thinking of switching roles a few months ago as he was stressed at work. So he had a couple of weeks off, in which I made him either watch or contribute to what I do in raising our child and looking after the house (and him effectively).

Needless to say after his break he went back to work quite easily and we've had no quibbles since. He has also been more supportive of me and my role in the house.

If he is genuinely unhappy in his job then support him as it isn't nice being under pressure at the workplace, but lying in bed all day having his wife tend to his every need isn't going to help him at all, show him what you really do all day - or even better make him do it all.

[rookiemater]

OP has your DH stated what hours of part time work you both should have, because unless your job market is distinctly different from hours reasonably paid part time jobs in the field one has trained in are non existant.

Your DH may find it easier to go p/t as in existing employment, as he has been signed off with stress they will want to be seen to be supportive, but unless you are very lucky it is unlikely you will find a part time job which has opposite hours from your DH and makes up the difference in salary, therefore it doesn't appear to be a realistic proposition.

Do either of you actually like each other any more ? I see massive resentment on your said, albeit justified and either true depression or a complete lack of respect on his side.

Has his GP offered him CBT or meds, it seems very odd just to sign someone off for 6 weeks without doing anything to address the root cause ?

[AppleAndBlackberry]

I think it would be better if you start from a point where you assume he is ill rather than assuming he isn't.

Then say to him that you still think it's best for your DD to be looked after by you so you would rather delay the decision until he has recovered and then if he still feels the same way you can discuss it then.

[ghostgirl]

Compromise, I dont have much advise about the whole depression/breakdown scenario. However, if he has physical energy to do hobbies etc then you need to ask him to help out. While he has been signed off ask him to some errands/shopping everyday, getting out and about would be good for him.

Organise a few mornings for yourself with 9am starts (eg library research for jobs, agency appointments, haircut, work clothes shopping) so that he has to get up and care for your DD while you are out.

I think it is very strange that he has no interest in setting up a formal roster when you are both working. You really do need to insist on this, tell him it is really really important to you. Even if you do have a roster for all the big household tasks, all the smaller tasks will fall to you anyway as you are now in the habit of doing them.

I would still continue with the cups of tea as this is obviously one way that you show your love to him, try not to make it a battle straight away. Give him the benefit of the doubt for a few days, until the meds kick in and he is able to sort out his headspace. But you will need to discuss all of this and make some formal (written agreements) in the next few days or so, for your own benefit and sanity.


Also stop spending your savings on the household and yourself. You have a job at the moment anyway (SAHM!) and you deserve to have some of 'his' money for yourself without feeling guilt. He is your child's parent at well!!! You may also need this money later if the marriage breaks down.

If he still refuses to do any of this then you really need to re evaluate your marriage as these are not the actions of a caring and committed partner.

[detachandtrustyourself]

OP, compromise, if you come back and read the posts.

Just been reading back over the thread.

What you have been doing, working hard, doing absolutely everything and looking after dc IS a valid contribution.

And I can see from some other posters, a lot less than what you are doing, is also a valid contribution.

Even if he is depressed. And do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

[cheekyseamonkey]

I have a similar set up and whilst DH has not had a breakdown, he occasionally suggests that I have a little easy - I get to go to the Library and sing songs every friday (oh Joy!) etc. I find that stopping doing everything and do bare minimum for a couple of days (ie take care of baby, me and don't let him starve) was enough to buck him up. I have a friend who did swap roles and came home to chaos every day for months because she 'just didn't understand how hard it was to do chores and look after baby! Good luck.

[melonian]

Compromise, there doesn't seem to be any compromise here - you are doing all the giving and your DP all the taking. You sound like a very intelligent, together woman, why are you behaving like such a doormat? It is not your job to make your partner happy, you both need to put the effort in to make your family work.

It is impossible to know whether your husband is unwell or malingering. But you should be able to discuss the situation and state your feelings to him, not just meekly accept his demands. From what you have said it does not sound as though he is frustrated or particularly upset about having a breakdown. When I was unwell in my last pregnancy, and DH was doing a sressful fulltime job and the lions share of the housework I felt so guilty and tried so hard to do my share. However after a while there was some "learned laziness" on my part, and when I felt better it took a while before I could take up the reins again, and there was a period when I was really taking advantage of DH - it sounds like the picture may be similar.

I really think you need to TALK, and you'll need some outside help if his recovery is going to be extended or you'll go insane and burnout yourself trying to do it all.

[detachandtrustyourself]

Yep. But the longer this goes on, the more depleted the savings/escape fund will become. And the more under his power she will be. It definately seems to be her savings, not joint. She was working relatively recently and saved it then.

[GypsyMoth]

It doesn't sound an ideal situation all round...... But, I'm now thinking why did the op have her own savings? Or are they joint savings, I don't know.

Also, If her h is aware of them, maybe he has been 'encouraging' her to dip into them to deplete them? God, I don't know, like you say a1, we don't know them or full situation
To advise much really.

[detachandtrustyourself]

Sparklingexplosion. Another thing these sort of men do. They go for counselling, but they live in fantasy land. Whatever the Counsellor says, they change it in their head and tell you what they want reality to be.

[detachandtrustyourself]

ILT. Well so was I! Thinking financial abuse, but I so hesitate to declare 'abuse' because a lot of the problems in this post and others can seem almost well, "normal". I know from what OP has put it looks like an unequal, abusive, relationship. But hesitate to encourage the split up of a family in case I am wrong and it can be worked out. And if a woman is being abused, people telling her so can be an added pressure as well as an eye opener.

Trouble is, with this part time job, it will be difficult to set up a 'fund' if, either, there is financial and other abuse, or, the money is needed for the household expenses. Or both.

[GypsyMoth]

Ness?? iPhone! Meant 'meds'!!!

[GypsyMoth]

Op said he came back with 'anxiety' meds.... And signed off for 6 weeks, so must have a letter/note etc

Wonder if he's taking the ness tho

When I left ex h I was in a hostel with 4dc.....so homeless. I was told I'd get rejoiced quicker if I turned on the tears and was on anti d's...... I was also told it was exceptionally easy to go in and fake depression to get a prescription..... Which I did do, but didn't take as u wasn't depressed (bloody ecstatic to have finally left the loser to be honest).....so yes, easy to fake this stuff I agree!

[SparklingExplosionGoldBrass]

I wonder if this dickhead man actually went to the doctor? SOmething abusive men sometimes do is claim to have been for counselling, or therapy and say that either the therapist has told them that it's all the woman's fault and that the man 'needs' to hit her now and again and she should just put up with it, or that the man's mental health will be fine as long as the woman obeys him and allows him to have a fuck on her body whenever he fancies it.
THese men will not have sought professional help at all, thy will just have been in the pub or walking round the park or whatever.

I wonder because the OP mentioned that H, after his obnoxious little tantrum, went to the doctor (allegedly) and came back saying that acording to the doctor the answer is he has some time off work and indulges himself for a bit. Is he taking any meds, OP? Thought not.

[GypsyMoth]

a1b2, did I, good, glad I did! I was thinking along the lines of financial abuse.

I'm beginning to think op getting a job might not be such a bad thing, she should use her earnings, IMO, for some sort of 'fund'!

[detachandtrustyourself]

ILT, you have put into a concise sentence what was niggling at me about the savings thing.

[whatdoiknowanyway]

timeforanap When we are both at home, chores and time off are SHARED. DH's annual leave is OUR annual leave and DH's salary is OUR salary.

Absolutely - that's how it should be.

[detachandtrustyourself]

Hold on a minute, DH wants compromise to make a financial contribution/pull more weight. Further on in the thread, we find out compromise was/is making a financial contribution already, out of her savings. As well as doing absoulutely everything in the house, making his sandwiches for work, and having sex whenever he wants to.

Before the breakdown compromise's DH :-

got very angry in arguments
got sex on tap
got absoulutely everything done in the house for him, including coffee in bed.
never got up in the night for DD
never got up to give compromise a lie in
rarely cared for dd alone and found it stressfull
had a full time job as part of the agreement for compromise be a SAHM and do everything else.

but compromise paid for:-

stuff for herself,
some stuff for dd,
food,
petrol in her car,

out of her savings

so compromise was/is making a financial contribution as well as doing absoulutely everything at home including serving his sexual needs.

Have I summarised that right?

Compromise has already started looking for part-time work.

If they both work part time there will be presumably the same or less money coming into the house. Therefore compromise will still need to use her savings to get the things she does now.

And dh is unable/unwilling to share the housework and childcare.

When a woman gets depressed, how many do not lift a finger to do anything in the house or care for their children? I'm guessing only the ones who are hospitalised,(almost sure that is a real word), and only while they are hospitalised.

And I know lots of women work even full time and still do everything in the house and child care. That doesn't mean it is ok though.

[pottonista]

I should emphasise though that what happened to my DP wasn't depression as such, it was burnout. Physiologically, burnout may include intense feelings of exhaustion and negativity, but its roots aren't in brain chemistry like with depression, but in the autonomic nervous system. That's a largely automatic system that takes care of heart rate, digestion, breathing, sweating, sex drive and a load of other body systems we don't think about much. It's a bit like the Windows operating system for a human body.

If someone is under prolonged extreme stress, their body can't metabolise adrenaline quickly enough to regulate itself, and if this goes on long enough the body can get stuck in a kind of permanent state of 'fight or flight', that starts to crash the autonomic nervous system. Symptoms include dissociation, panic attacks, intense feelings of hopelessness and negativity, loss of sex drive, disrupted sleeping, poor digestion and the kind of outbursts you've described and we've both experienced.

In DP's case these physiological symptoms combined with an appalling situation at work and flashbacks to some extremely traumatic childhood memories. The net result was a kind of emotional tsunami in which he lashed out in all directions, and we nearly lost each other. None of this excuses dreadful behaviour - as he well recognised even when it was happening - but did help to explain it and to point towards a future when it wouldn't be happening.

As I said before, I stuck it out because he really, really was making an effort to acknowledge his condition, do the things he'd been advised to do to make it better, and meditate regularly to calm himself so outbursts didn't happen. But I won't downplay how unpleasant it - and he - was at some points: we nearly didn't make it.

If he's going through something like this, and you love him, be compassionate. But make sure he is facing up to what's happening, and takes responsibility for recovering. And protect yourself: as timeforanap said, it's probably not a bad idea to keep an overnight bag packed in case you and DC really need to get away for a day or so.