to want to tell DS's godfather to F$&K OFF...?

[Asteria]

I have just been told that I will be getting an eviction notice next week, so rather than wallowing in self pity I took DS out for the morning. We walked the dogs and chucked stones in the river (which was free - yay). Then his godfather tipped up (single, good job, own house etc etc) and bought us a cup of tea each. I mentioned that I was stressing about life/finances (also have BPD which adds a certain je ne sais quoi to life) and he instantly changed the subject then suggested lunch - which I had to pay for. He then suggested Harry Potter (we were in a cinema/restaurant/gallery place) which DS instantly went loopy over and I was again backed into a corner of having to cough up for. I hate constantly saying no to DS and I hadn't eaten anything at lunch so justified the tickets that way - but it has left me with less than £30 till next weekend. I am furious with DS's godfather - not least because he promised DS a big birthday pressie to make up for missing the last 5 and two months later still hasn't bothered. I am really against promising something to a child then not going through with it.

You have to say No.

You couldnt afford the cinema nor could you afford lunch out.

I dont think hes aware of how hard things are for you so when you make plans make well defined plans.

You cant blame him for your worries (possibly your not) nor can you be angry cos he hasnt bought ds a big present regardless of promises ....these are his things not yours.

I think this is just the straw that broke the camels back - have you any idea what you will do after next weekend? have you family to support you? have you sought advice?.

Hope things get sorted.

YABU - in his own way he was probably trying to cheer you up. As a single guy without kids he probably has no comprehension of the stress you are under and how it is not a good idea to mention treats in front of kids without first agreeing it with the parents. I would say he was probably being tactless but telling him to fuck off would be unreasonable and OTT. Why didn't you just tell him you couldn't afford lunch out due to your situation?

Sorry, you paid for the godfather's lunch and cinema ticket as well? If so you are being taken for a ride, and you should have just paid for your and your DS's parts. You need to work on being more assertive really, i.e. 'Actually, we're got some stuff in for lunch at home today', or even 'I haven't got much money on me'.

I would write him an e-mail asking him not to suggest expensive activities in front of your son when you had just told him you hadn't much money. Also tell him you now have very little left for the next week. Hopefully it will give him a wake-up call.

*we've got some stuff in for lunch today

Yabu. Should have said no if you are in such dire straights with money.

Start saying no to your child.

It is not your childs Godfathers fault you spent the money, you are supposed to be a grown up, you could say NO

Did you tell him ' i am being evicted'

if not , he might have just presumed it was general worrying ifyswim!

You should have said, lunch, great, back to mine for sandwiches as am skint ..

why on earth did you 'have' to pay??

and was perfect opportunity for the godfather to give DS his birthday pressie and buy tickets.

he doesn't sound much of a godfather if he has forgotten his last 5 birthdays anyway

YABU, and you must know it, to blame him for your spending money you can't afford. A simple, sorry can't do lunch/pictures as I can't afford it at the moment would have sufficed. Why did you feel the need to pay for these things when you couldnt afford them?

YANBU to be dissappointed if he promised your ds a gift and hasnt followed through. Does he have an active relationship with your ds?

We didn't invite him to join us - he just happened to be there. He invited us for a cup of tea, then suggested lunch - I said that I couldn't afford it but DS has had me saying NO to him for weeks now and it is really beginning to upset me to constantly deny him even little things like a cheese toastie.

I made it very clear that I was really hard up financially and that I was stressing about the fact that we were going to be homeless in a fortnight. He is a senior director on over £80k a year, whereas I am a single parent on less than £15k.

I'm not blaming him for my situation - it is my problem. He is best mates with my little brother and is very aware of the problems that I have been having.

I know that he didn't force my hand when it came to paying - I said I was too poor - he saw me sit and NOT eat whilst he and DS tucked in. But then he suddenly pleaded poverty and drifted off to the loo when the bill arrived. I was expecting him to pay me back for everything but he just evaded it - I just couldn't be arsed with a huge public scene

If he suggested lunch, then why didn't you say something like "that's very kind of you to offer, I couldn't have afforded it myself but since you're buying, that would be lovely, DS needs a treat" Try that next time (if there is one)

I agree, you should have been more resolute about not spending the money you don't have - he probably now thinks you were just whinging, without really being that hard up.

MadameCastafiore and RunnawayChristmasTree no seems to be the only word I use of late and my DS is getting incredibly tearful about it. I am clearly depressed and it is a really big thing for me to be able to be the good guy occasionally

I can understand it must be hard always having to say no to your DS, and I don't blame you for feeling annoyed that had godfather had just been told how much you are struggling yet still suggested lunch and Harry Potter in front of your DS.

I actually think he was being incredibly insensitive.

In that situation you should have pleaded poverty back to him and seen who would back down first!

Wrong of him to suggest lunch and then duck out of paying his way, but wrong of you to go along with suggestions you cant afford.

His earnings are irrelevant - presumably on 80k he's got stresses that go with the job. It's not easy in the current climate to secure and hold down jobs paying that much- as I'm sure you realise!

Asteria, you told him you were about to be EVICTED with your little boy and he left you to pay for lunch? Words fail me I'm pissed off on your behalf

Yanbu, I think he sounds like an arse, I really do. Disappearing when the bill arrives is a shitty thing to do to anyone, even without the circumstances you describe. Sorry you had such a bad day.

VioletHill I know that I shouldn't have gone along with it but I was backed ito a corner of being the bad guy again - £15 was hardly going to make any difference to the eviction, but it was a teeny tiny way for me to do something nice for DS before he was made homeless - or at least that is how I justified it to myself when I drove home fuming.

I didn't realise he made you pay for lunch. Now I can see why you were annoyed. Do you feel you can ask for his share back? Explain to him that your money worries are very real and that his share of lunch will probably pay for your Ds to eat for a day or two at home.

And in the mean time do you know what you are going to do and where you are going to go if you do get evicted?

I don't think anyone disagrees with the appalling bad manners of suggesting lunch then disappearing when the bill arrived. Thats downright rude and I wouldn't blame you for contacting him and saying you need his share of the lunch money repaid.

But it would be rude for ANYONE to do that- whether they're on 10k, 20 k or 80 k - you don't suggest lunch as a 'shared ' thing and then assume the other person pays. Thats why I think his earnings Aren't relevant- his behaviour was rude whatever his income. However, I still think that in the circumstances you need to be realistic- its not being the 'bad guy' to live within your means - I think it does more harm to let children think treats are always affordable