to want to tell DS's godfather to F$&K OFF...?

[Asteria]

I have just been told that I will be getting an eviction notice next week, so rather than wallowing in self pity I took DS out for the morning. We walked the dogs and chucked stones in the river (which was free - yay). Then his godfather tipped up (single, good job, own house etc etc) and bought us a cup of tea each. I mentioned that I was stressing about life/finances (also have BPD which adds a certain je ne sais quoi to life) and he instantly changed the subject then suggested lunch - which I had to pay for. He then suggested Harry Potter (we were in a cinema/restaurant/gallery place) which DS instantly went loopy over and I was again backed into a corner of having to cough up for. I hate constantly saying no to DS and I hadn't eaten anything at lunch so justified the tickets that way - but it has left me with less than £30 till next weekend. I am furious with DS's godfather - not least because he promised DS a big birthday pressie to make up for missing the last 5 and two months later still hasn't bothered. I am really against promising something to a child then not going through with it.

I did have an incredibly sastisfying Ally McBeal fantasy about executing the perfect roundhouse into his face when he avoided the bill... Sadly I am not limber enough for that and would have probably done my back in kicking him in the shins!

Violethill - that is the thing, my DS so rarely has treats. He is under no illusion as to our financial tightness. He actually stops himself mid-ask and says "I know, you don't need to say it - we can't afford it"
I don't have central heating, watertight shoes or a winter coat and I often skip meals because I cannot afford them. So occasionally letting my DS have a little treat makes up for the fact that I am bloody freezing and really rather hungry.

DS was 8 in Sept

Ask for the money back from his share of lunch. Don't take up any suggestions of meals out or cinema from him again

Asteria, you need to toughen up. Fast.

1. The bill. Why did you not just put in YOUR share and leave the bill on the table for his return so that at least he paid for himself.

When he sits down, you say, sorry, but as you can see I don't have the money to eat, let alone pay for someone else to do so.

1. Saying No. If you don't have it, you can't spend it. You have to say NO and No and No again. Sure it feels like crap, but it's better than a bailiff knocking on the door and you have a deposit to save for, rent increase to cover, moving van to pay for. You have to be realistic.

How old IS your DS. Whatever age, your DS has to understand that everything has to be paid for. Sad and sorry fact of life, but it's true. The sooner he learns, the sooner you can concentrate on trying to overcome the current situation long term

To get out of this dip, you have to be ruthless, you have to be focussed, you have to be hungry and clever. Getting persuaded into this, and cajoled into that is not going to pay your bills.

This is crunch time, no time for sentiment.

FWIW, your friend is an insensitive twit, perhaps he may have the big salary, but perhaps he is mortgaged/loaned up to the hilt, perhaps he's worse off than you... You can never tell these days. Either way to stick someone with a bill, the whole bill is just not on.

He should not have run off and hid, and you shouldn't have let him get off with that. If needed, you should be prepared to tell him straight, I TOLD you I can't afford to eat out, DS has eaten, I will pay for him, but I can't afford to pay for you too. Be bloody blunt if you need to be. Now is not the time to worry about other people's feelings.

Its a 12A so inadvisable for children much younger than that. Of course, its at the parents discretion, but I agree, it would have made a convenient excuse. We often used that sort of line when our kids were younger and cinema trips were a luxury we couldn't afford. It's a balance isn't it , about letting them know that treats are often not affordable in families with young children, but throwing in other reasons where Possible

I think that maybe there are some mistaken priorities here. You speak of not having watertight shoes and not eating but just prior to that you mentioned that you drove home.

Surely someone who can afford to own, tax, insure and run a car can afford food and watertight shoes... and if not make the shoes and food a priority over the car.

I was given the £300 banger by my stepfather, the insurance is crippling but I cannot survive where I live without it - living 4 miles off the nearest bus route makes in a remote village makes it an essential. There is no school bus to get DS to school (5.5miles away) so I have to have a car.
The treat had initially been driving to a nice bit of river on the edge of a nearby town (less than 10 miles round trip - using petrol that my mother very kindly put in).

LittleMiss all good points, but the nature of the BPD beast is such that I often end up with the breaking strain of a kitkat over such things because I am so irrationally terrified of rejection.

Asteria do you have support and somewhere to go with your DS when you do have to leave?

LittleMiss it sounds like DS has learnt that everything has to be paid for- Asteria has said that he knows they cannot afford things

Oh gawd, tell me about living in a remote area! (I have 2 DC and no car).

Surely your LA, presuming you're in England, should provide transport for your son? The legislation is that transport MUST be provided to the nearest school of that school is over 2 miles away for an under 8 yo. Is it worth speaking to your LA?

he really has - he still believes in Santa and has written the most ambitious Christmas list to him - saying that if Santa got him all the expensive things then I could just get him something he needed like a hat.

Then you're lucky to have relatives to help you out. I had to take my car off the road when I was on maternity leave and on a reduced income. If I was unemployed, running a car would have been unthinkable!

Agree that you need to focus on getting things back on track, and make it clear to your ds and everyone around you that you cant afford lunches out and cinema right now. No shame in that- we couldn't either when our kids were small- and that was with a job each!!

My LA won't put on a taxi - besides, I have to get out to work too - but they do give me £4.80 a day for driving him to school. I get that in a lump sum at the end of each term.

YABU you should have said no

Asteria, the BPD doesn't pay your bills. You can't allow it to call the shots. You have to sit yourself down, take a moment and calmly walk yourself through the facts, what you can do and what you can't.

If anyone, and I mean ANYONE rejects you because of your financial situation, or your BPD, then tbh they are no asset to you. YOU need to reject THEM.

MsPenny, I saw that, cross posted I think. If he knows why, and understands then it's Asteria's guilt that is making her pay for things she can't afford at the moment.

My parents used to hide from the milk man, we knew there was stuff we couldn't afford. We all have to accept that we can't have stuff sometimes.

Cinema is a luxury, a blooming expensive one at that. I won't take DS to anything unless its on Orange Wednesday or on the Vue 95p sitting. I'm not overly hard up, but I see no sense in splashing out full whack when I can wait a few days and halve the cost.

What are you going to do when you are evicted, are you in touch with the council?
You do know that they have to give you temporary accomodation dont you.
As for all the rest of it, well he is a right dick in my opinion.
But your priorities lie with getting a roof over your head!

Asteria, doubtless not your priority atm, but for future reference, your LA would HAVE TO provide transport if you didn't have a car. I've been looking into it all myself recently, so I am confident that this is the case, besides, this is from the Govt's own website:

"Free school transport - find out if your child qualifies

Local authorities must provide transport where they consider it necessary to ensure that a child goes to school. If transport is necessary, then it must be provided free of charge.

In most cases, it?s up to the local authority to decide what transport is necessary. But your child will be automatically entitled to free transport if they:

* are between five and 16 years old

and:

* attend the nearest suitable school, and the school is further away than the ?statutory walking distance?

The statutory walking distance is:

* two miles for pupils aged under eight"

Then you're lucky that you get reimbursed for driving him to school. And very lucky that your work fits around school and you can take him yourself rather than paying childcare before and after like most of us!

Sorry, but you really need to accept that at this point, certain things are luxuries beyond your means. There is no shame in it. Our kids didn't have meals out or cinema for a long time, because frankly we could not afford it- many families are in a similar position. It wont do any harm to just be upfront about it

It was a special offer cinema ticket - thank heavens! And this will be the first my treat film he has seen in well over 6 months (I would say a year but I can't think that far back) He has been looking forward to HP for MONTHS and in a moment of weakness (I'm good at them) I said yes when it was first advertised.

I haven't been in touch with the council yet because I only found out in yesterday's post and they were closed.

What is BPD ?