...to leave 17mo DD alone in the house... (its not as bad as it sounds!)

[deepheat]

OK. I'm babysitting tonight while DW is having a well deserved night out. We have friends who live directly opposite us across the road and its a small road. Our baby monitor works perfectly in their house. They suggested I pop over for a drink. Mentioned this to DW and it was an absolute no-no.

Thing is, I would be about the same distance from DD as if I were at the bottom of our garden. If she woke, I could be back within 30 seconds. Is it so bad? There's no risk of a fire or anything like that so I don't really see what the issue is beyond the psychological difference of being out of the property.

I should add that I agreed with DW that I would stay in tonight and so will not go out but I'm curious as to what people think as a matter of principle (possibly for future reference).

By the way, they have a DS and no baby monitor so couldn't come over here.

My neighbours do this quite a lot. We get on as a group, so there are quite a few drinks parties, where the people who live nearest to the hosts will leave the kids at home and bring the baby monitor, popping back to check every so often.

I don't like it so have always got a babysitter for ds (or dh and I swap, one staying home, one going, and then change places). Not passing judgment on those who do, they are free to make their own decisions. But doesn't sit well with me.

I have been the child at home who has to cope with a fire. Frightening enough in the daytime for a ten year old, especially as I had my little sister to look after. Would be terrifying at night or for a smaller child. IF they woke up...

So what's the official accepted term for when you are the adult at home with your children sleeping upstairs? Tonight DH is out, I'd say I'm babysitting. Other nights I go out and he's babysitting. Most of the time we're both home and yes, we're both babysitting.

To answer the OP, its a tricky one; logically the head says its no different to being at the bottom of the garden and it'll be absolutely fine, yet it doesn't sit quite right in the heart and feels like something you just shouldn't do.
Personally I'd take my DS and put him to bed at the neighbour's house then just carry him home asleep at the end of the night.

OP - YANBU. The risk is not out of line with the sorts of risks people take everyday for convenience or fun. It's true that things could happen. But things can happen in all the other things people do too. It doesn't make those things unreasonable. Of course people who are uncomfortable doing it aren't being unreasonable either. But it's not an indicator of being a "better" parent (either way).

Apologies for not coming back to everybody last night! Never realised an inncocent question could arouse such passion, vitriol etc!

Just a couple of comments:

Captaincroc Well done for being a social worker. Bad luck on your definition of neglect - and please don't suggest that I would be happy to abise my child. I'm fine with the untethered indignancy on this thread but not with that.

FWIW, I work with the police and SS on a daily basis on safeguarding matters (I am responsible for over 100 units of supported housing, including young parents units) and I'm pretty confident in my knowledge of the relevant legislation. There are good social workers, bad social workers and then there are people who pretend to be social workers online because they're a little wound up about something. Bless.

Bitoffun To answer your query, DW had had a couple of not so fun nights out already this week. She's have stayed home if she could. Wasn't being duplicitous.

Either way, it has been a fascinating insight into a) people's attitude towards risk, and b) MN on a Friday night.

Thank you everybody.

Umm OP Captaincroc didn't say she was a SW, she said she was a health care professional who deals with social services.

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with leaving a baby/young child alone but that's me.

Oh it's all basically another demonstration of stupid people engaging in magical thinking - 'If I'm good and sacrifice having fun, nothing bad will ever happen to me and my children. But that's not enough to safeguard us, I';ve got to scream and shit myself when other people don't sacrifice to the appropriate imaginary forces, so bad things happen to their DC and not mine'.

I agree with both SuchProspects and Sparkling.

I haven't read the middle part of this thread but I think I get the gist!

I am withholding judgement on whether the OP is BU or not. I know people who have done this - I wouldn't do it myself even though, until recently, we lived in a house that was actually in the garden of our landlords who we sometimes had a drink with, and we would have been about 20 feet further away than if we were in our own house. For me, there is something that feels fundamentally wrong at not being in my own home if my child is there alone.

However, I would throw into the argument the fact that this is something of which social services tend to take a pretty dim vew. I have twice represented people who have been arrested for doing this when, due to odd circumstances, it came to the attention of the police. In one case which finished up in the crown court and went on for many months, the child in question was sleeping in a mobile home parked on the drive of the house that the parents were visiting. Smoke was seen coming from the vehicle, it was broken into and the child removed before the parents even realised what was happening. The baby monitor obviously didn't pick anything up until the moment the fireman broke the door down.

So, for anyone who is considering doing this, the question to ask yourself is not just whether you think it is safe, but how others would view it and what the implications could be.

Why didn't they hear the noise of the smoke detector?

If there wasn't one - well, you only need to look at the number of house fires where parents are present where no-one wakes up

There was no smoke detector and the smoke in any event turned out to be normal and coming from a heating system in the mobile home.

No smoke alarm is v worrying in any family home imo, mobile or otherwise

Although I wouldn't go out and leave a child in house with baby listener (other than for a few moments eg if postbox was outside or to quickly pick up something, ie not to social, I disagree with the comments about babysitting.

eg I would describe myself as babysitting in the evening if DH was out and I couldn't go somewhere.

Neither of us babysit in the day, then we are both (or one of us) looking after the DC.

Sorry I take it all back, house fires never happen unexpectedly and kill children, if the parents of this family had been out then all three would have perished

news.aol.co.uk/uk-news/story/boy-dies-after-rescue-from-fire/1413212?icid=main|uk|dl1|link4|http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.co.uk%2Fuk-news%2Fstory%2Fboy-dies-after-rescue-from-fire%2F1413212

Oh and at no point did I say I was a SW - I clearly stated that I am a health care professional, who identifies risks in families and SW are people I have frequent meetings with.

www.whoguidemhpcuk.org/downloads/primary_care/Child_abuse_and_neglect.pdf

The neglect highlights persistant lack of supervision within the classification. OK so you haven't done it, however, had you decided to do it then it would be exceptionally easy to normalise it and continue to do it, fortunately you have a sensible DW.

I think my biggest concern would be malfunction of the moniter - it can happen.

When my ds1 was little, I did take the moniter to the neighbour's garden for a BBQ but they were tiny flats close to each other and you could probably hear him without the moniter! Also I physically checked on him every half hr or so. Having said that, with the hindsight of the mcanns, I don't think I would do it again.

I'm delighted that SWs etc do seem to take some things seriously. After reporting my neighbour (along with many other people), SWs visited her lovely middle class home and decided that there was nothing wrong and so dropped the case. I can't recall if this was before or after she was seen kicking the toddler after he fell over

chippingIn re my concern that you leave the house and the door malfunctions with your child inside because it actually happened to us, the door slammed shut and the little button on the inside came down and we were locked out!
On or two drinks, whatever, what I meant is he can't get pissed.