not to have sex with DH?

[lotswife]

My libido's been a bit crap since DC3 was born. I used to be up for it loads, but it got harder and harder to get turned on/in the mood - needed more effort on DH's part which he just didn't put in.

We had some talks about it as he was feeling rejected and unloved and I was feeling hassled and like he was only interested in sex.

He said he'd try to make more of an effort to make me feel desired (rather than like a blow up doll - his idea of foreplay was just to grab my tits or my bits and then expect me to be ready and waiting).

Then there were two incidents which really shook me. About 6 months ago I was asleep in DC2's bed (she'd been crying and I'd gone to soothe her and fallen asleep). DC2 had woken up and climbed over me to go and play with the other DCs. DH came to find me - and I woke up with him pulling up my nightie and parting my buttocks. I said 'what are you doing?' - but quietly as I thought DC1 was asleep in the other bed (v disoriented). He said "you're very wet, so I thought I'd take advantage" and put his cock in me! I shoved him away and we had a huge row.

I thought it was totally inappropriate (even though the DCs weren't in the room), and he kept saying that I was wet so he thought I wanted it (wanted what?! I was asleep). I felt really dirty and disgusting and like DH didn't respect me at all as a person.

We barely had sex after that. I just had no desire towards him at all. Then last week he was hassling me again - I was just about to drop off to sleep and he was a bit tipsy after a work night out - and I said I wasn't in the mood and he said I was never in the mood and it wasn't a marriage without sex.

I said that it was hard to fancy someone who'd just stick their cock in their sleeping wife. He said I was making excuses.

We've barely talked since. AIBU?

FFS at rape being a matter of opinion.

It's attitudes like that, that means we have a 6% rate of conviction for reported rape - juries are of the opinion that a good looking man in a suit, cannot possibly be a rapist. And it's also opinions like that, which mean that between 60-85% of rapes are never reported - because sometimes, women go into deep denial about it and take weeks, months or years to face up to the fact that actually, yeah, that was rape, not just a misunderstanding.

Please stop promoting rape myths those of you saying it's not rape. You are part of the problem. Why are you continuing to deny that THE LAW says this is rape - not a bunch of rabid feminists on a website, not a bunch of self-respecting women, but THE LAW.

As Dittany says, it's entirely up to the OP how she handles this - she may or may not want to try and re-build her marriage with this rapist - but if she does, she and he will need to name what he did to her honestly, because without honesty, without truth, how the hell do you have trust? How do you have a relationship?

The shouting down has started up again I see. Must be a quiet day on some of the other MN sections.

And so many straw man arguments, I dont know where to start!

So I wont. OP - good luck in sorting things out with your husband.

That's right ccpccp, don't bother arguing, because you've only got rape myths to offer, while those of us who are tellnig it like it is, have the law and a well-researched evidence base on our side.

And Pharel I can only assume you're a troll.

What is shouting down about saying that the definition of rape is penetration without consent?

There are many situations where people don't see themselves as having been victims of crimes - old people who are ripped off by charming conmen, children who are abused by those they trust, women who have been brought up to think that physical violence is a sign of passionate love. There are many situations where people don't see themselves as criminals - people who use their mobile when driving, people who fiddle their taxes, people who persuade gullible others to part with things of value. A recent study shows that many young men do not think it is rape to coerce a woman, have sex with her when she in unconscious, if she says no after they have started or if she says no before they have started. It doesn't mean that those things are not crimes, and those people are not criminals. Just because someone thinks they havne't done anything wrong, or their victim doesn't think they've done anything wrong, doesn't mean that nothing wrong has happened.

Seriously if I am asleep in bed and my husband comes and shoves his cock inside me, that is not rape? What the fuck is rape then?

A few years ago i posted a very distressed message after a similar incidant with my then H. My h argued that it wasnt a big deal , i was over reacting blah blah , he aparently couldnt see the problem to the point i lost any sense of boundarys.

Apart from a few stupid replies , the responses were that it was outrageous , that it was an assault and just because we were married didnt give him the right. I was releived to hear this.

Sadly i then went to a counseller who shared some of the veiws on here. Its harmfull to excuse this sort of behaviour , and some of you are repeating what her H has said. I wonder if any of you lot would like to be married to the ops H , because i sure wouldnt.

Honestly, "shouting down" in this context ISNT, is women saying something is rape when it is and other women (and men) telling them to STFU because if you name it, a woman might do something uppity like demand respect in her relationship, or dump that relationship altogether. Both of which is utterly unacceptable it seems.

I don't think anyone is telling the OP how to feel or how to handle the situation. They're just pointing out that what happened was, in fact, rape. It is obviously up to her to feels whatever she feels about it.
Like Dittany and HerBeatitude have said, it sometimes takes a long time for the realisation to dawn. The name you attach to the experience makes no difference. Sex without consent is rape. It's a really simple concept - but apparently way too difficult for a lot of people to grasp.

OP I don't know if you are still reading.

Just wanted to lend my support. To me, your reactions to this have been totally on the money. You know exactly how you feel and what it might mean for your relationship if your DH cannot come to see it the same way.

I wish you all the best in pursuing counselling.

I agree with Dittany about the intent .

I think waking up an exhausted mum whos been disturbed in the night for any reason is selfish , let alone to do what he did.

He couldve spent some quality time with the dcs , or kept them entertained while you had a well desrved sleep , or couldve woke you up with a cuppa. Not normal behaviour , at all.

This may be another thread in itself but where on earth are men like the OP's H learning that when a Woman is "wet" that means she is therefore ready for sex

I think it is really worrying that there are men who think this justifies their disgusting behavior and that they know so little about basic biology of the female body.

Yes, grape, it really is deeply offensive isn't it ?