To accept hb is a rapist would mean surely an end to Lotswife's marriage, as who could live with one? Some posters have advised this but it's contrary to Lotswife's wishes, if I'm reading correctly, she wants to work at and improve the marriage because, up until recently, he had been a good father and husband.
However, to term what he did as being a little bit passionate(!) or he's feeling hurt and rejected, well diddums, and is completely missing how devoid of understanding and concern he has been for his wife, selfishly putting only his needs first to the serious detriment of Lotswife and his marriage.
There is, in my mind, a middle-ground which is that he has been an insensitive fuckwit. It's very concerning, potentially his behaviour could end the marriage but it's not unsalvageable.
I was wondering, Lotswife, if you could try talking to him again? This time with a proposal, telling him to hear you out without interrupting, rolling his eyes or sighing. And then you'll hear him in return.
Tell him you understand that he is frustrated and would like more sex. Pestering for sex, no tenderness and care for another person's pleasure is not going incline any woman, you included, to want to have sex. So it's a downward spiral and it's damaging your marriage. Tell him you are hurt that he appears to respect you so little - would he really have spoken to you or treated you like that when you first met? You surely both want a marriage that is one of kindness and putting the other one first, as well as the sex - but there is not one without the other.
So the proposal is to set the marriage back on course. For the next two weeks, there will be no sex or touching of erogenous zones but plenty of hand-holding, cuddling, shoulder rubs, foot massage etc is allowed, as is plenty of talking and paying each other compliments. It might feel a bit forced at the beginning but if you have forgotten to be and feel affectionate with one another, it's a habit easy to fall out of, but equally one that you can fall back into.
The next 10/14 days, the ban on erogenous zones is lifted, you can touch anywhere (if the other partner wants to) building out of the affectionate behaviour of the previous two weeks - so not just diving straight to willy/boobs - and importantly still no sex, however much you think you may want to. And then in the next two weeks sex is allowed, but again building from the good work that has gone before. Essentially a form of getting to re-know each other and dating again.
Maybe your head-space isn't here, and if this post is misjudged, I apologise. It just sounded to me like you are both in deadlock and sometimes a concrete and practical 'plan of action' can break that.
And the counselling sounds good too.
Wishing you well, Lotswife.