Before i came on mumsnet my definition of sexual assault was a stranger dragging you down a dark alley . My defintion of domestic violence was an angry man beating his wife senseless.
Id never heard about controlling men , emotional abuse , gaslighting , stonewalling , sexual bullying ect. There are countless books written on these subjects, all of them well known tactics of abusers. I didnt know, but how would i , we arent taught this stuff in school , no one tells us and the joke is , these things were happening to me , i lived like that.
I regularly experienced the same as the op , i was not safe in my own house , he would letch and leer at me and come in to perv when i was in the shower. He would yell and wake the kids up if i refused to have sex with him. When i did have sex he would do things i didnt like and sulk if i objected .
He would grope me while i was asleep , and worse. He,d constantly make disgusting comments to me that i found repulsive and would maul me constantly. At the time i assumed we had a problem with differing drives / communication ect .
I knew , like the op , that this was wrong behaviour. I wouldnt have described him as a rapist or a violent sexual offender , but he *was" raping and assaulting , and he was doing it to bully and degrade , not to get off .
The fact that he got less sex by doing this indicated he wasnt actually that bothered about sex. He just wanted to donimate and control , and it worked. Men will use a range of methods to bully , from silent treatment to controlling money to outright violence . None , i think , are as effective as the sexual bully.
Despite the discussions about rape ect , i do not think the ops H is prowling the neighbourhood looking for women , i do not consider him a rapist in the sense that most people tend to recognise . But he did attempt a rape in my book , not to get off , but to degrade her , he knew full well that sex was not going to take place with a sleeping wife , no foreplay , in a childs bed with kids running round .
Sexual bullys exist , they hide behind the rape myths and only assault the women they live with . Its not talked about , women dont recognise it when its happening to them , and when they speak out shes told that men need sex , she needs to make an effort and be more sensitive. She doesnt , she needs to get rid.