to ask long distance grandprents to back off?

[Katkinso]

My DH's parents emigrated to New Zealand about ten years ago. Since then he has met, married and had two childen with me (a 4yr old DS and 10mth old DD).
My parents in law have visited on three occasions in the last four and a half years (once for the wedding, and once when each child was born).
We can't afford to visit them so the only other contact has been phone, webcam and letters, which don't really work.
Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them and then is increasingly bereft when they leave and we have to deal with weeks of questions like "why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them."
We have asked them several times to consider moving back so we can all enjoy a closer family relationship but they will not consider it.
We live very close to my parents/siblings so we try to make the most of that.
I know this sounds harsh but if there is no chance of our children having a proper relationship with their long distance grandparents, we are seriously considering asking them to stop all contact with them, as it just causes more upset.

Wooah - what's with this name calling?

I battle to make sure that my children have contact with mu family and my dh's family, although we live on three continents.

Contemplating cutting out grandparents because your child likes them and has a nice time in unthinkable. Would you not get your son an ice cream in case he is upset when it is finished, or take him to football in case his team doesn't win? Are you not going to let him make friends at school in case they fall out and he is sad?

It sounds like you are willing to share your son with your family only. So yes you are selfish. You are probably not going to get much support on here because you are being selfish. There are many families on MN that are in the same position as us, where we are away from out families, who are going to be upset by what you are saying. And those who don't have loving Grandparents for their children.

Animation, by the OP's OP, the last visit was ten months ago and represents the only visit ever that either of her children are aware of. So this whole 'increasingly bereft' thing, with the implication of ongoing mental distress, is just conpletely silly.

She's talking about one visit, ten months ago, after which her son has referenced his grandparents positively and expressed a desire to see them again. She and her husband have asked the grandparents several times to move to the other side of the world, and been met with repeated, reasonable, refusals.

They are essentially saying, you move your entire life across the globe at our request or you never see your grandchildren. And, again, this is not 'complex' - this is ONE visit, ten months ago.

Seriously, how fucking entitled do you have to be?

When parents chose to emigrate abroad like this - such a long way a way, I should imagine it makes your kids feel abandoned. Sounds like beneath all the OP's talk of cutting off ties there's hurt feelings.

We live in China. My parents live in different parts of the UK. OH's in Aus. Have already accepted that DD (due in 7 weeks and first DGC for my parents) will have a large part of her relationship with all DGP via Skype. Hell, it's the way my relationship is with our family. It's not complex it just takes time and effort and planning. It doesn't just happen.

OP is deeply unreasonable but clearly doesn't give a rats about our opinions because no one here thinks she is being reasonable.

I have three kids and I couldn't imagine, unless it was really essential, emigrating to the other side of the world away from them - I just couldn't do it.

Zanz1bar, my FIL is in Spain, not very interested in the DC's and hasn't seen them more than a couple of times (DD is nearly 12) and I have come to the conclusion that it is just one of those things and they aren't gong to have much of a relationship .

OP you need to treasure the relationship your DC's have with their grandparents. FIL came and stayed for a couple of days summer before last. When he went DD asked if he liked them as she got the impression he didn't . That was upsetting , a close relaionship isn't.

My brother is in Thailand and is very kindly sending a new iPod Touch to the DC's so they can have a go at using Facetime with him. He's hoping they will also use it to chat to my Mum and she's only round the corner. DD is at an age now where she can ring/skype people when she wants to. Although it is hard to imagine when your children are little, they will get to that stage too in time and how fab that technolgynis such that they can potter off to the computer and have a chat with their GPs in NZ.

...unless it was really essential. Well, there we go. None of us any idea why the GPs might have emigrated.

Lets hope it WAS essential - because if it wasn't you'd have to be a bleeding tough nut to move away all those miles - and You can't get much further than New Zealand.

I wouldn't be surprised if the OP's DH has some deeper rooted issues with them.

My DH and 2 DC are emigrating to NZ in March next year. I'm from there, but my DH is Irish, so he'll be leaving his parents behind. As I've left mine behind for all of the years I've been over here.

Neither of us are 'bleeding tough nuts'. But unless you're 'lucky' enough to meet and marry someone who lives down the road from you, your parents and their parents, this is the reality for many couples/families.

There's all sorts of reasons the OP's parents might have wanted or needed to start a new life in a country like NZ.

I don't doubt there are probably some underlying issues for the OP and her family - I have been asking the OP to elucidate on these throughout the thread, as I and many others are in a position to perhaps give some advice - but she hasn't been back. Not unsurprisingly.

The OP's PILs, rather.

There are 101 reasons why they may have emigrated. People who do it like to keep in touch-especially with treasured grandchildren. I don't think it is usual to punish them by saying 'you left us-we are severing connections'!

Goodness a unanimous you are being unreasonable thread.

Dh and I lived in London for many years, with his parents in Poland and my parents in Norway. Not as far away as New Zealand, but illness and disabilities on both sides made it impossible for either parents to travel to see us.

We have not been able to divide ourselves in two, and have been to Poland with the kids on 3 occasions only since our youngest, now 5 was born. They adore their grandma, and she adores them. They have quality time together when we are there, she spoils them rotten, take them to the park, playgrounds, funfair, the beach, babysits so dh and I can go out in the evening?

Should we really deprive our children of this just because they are upset when we leave?

The upset and tears last a day or two, but they bring with them happy memories and experiences, of time spent with a loving grandma. Even if they dont speak Polish, and she limited English, which is a complication, but so what?

They know they have family, and family is important. Especially if you have little of it.

Now my mil cant stand me, and has behaved appallingly to me on occasion, but that is not a reason to ruin my children's relationship with her. She loves THEM, and that is important. I dont need her to love ME.

Yabu to cut contact because they adore each other and it is tough when the visit is over. Yab totally u!

Good luck.

How utterly selfish to imagine your parents have to be at your beck and call for all their lives

As adults we generally accept and appreciate all our parents have done for us and don't begrudge them a life of their own, even if that means we don't see them as often as we'd like.

I'd be devastated if my DM moved abroad of course, but I wouldn't consider cutting her out of our lives simply because she was putting herself first for once in her life.

Animation - the OP is entitled to her feelings, though I suspect that her PND is exagerating the negative feelings (I have suffered from depression for years, and had PND three times, so know how it feels). However, the issue is not primarily her feelings, but what she is planning to do as a result of those feelings.

Essentially, she is going to tell her PIL that unless they move back to live near her and her family, they will not see their grandchildren again. Bear in mind that this is grandparents who despite living a long way away, have seem to have done their best to be involved in their grandchildren's lives, and who appear to love them.

This emotional blackmail of the worst kind, and a huge sense of entitlement, added to an apparent unwillingness to deal with disappointment or upset from her own children.

As another poster has said, she needs to learn to manage her children's expectations and disappointments. If her son is upset when his grandparents leave, you distract him by suggesting you draw a picture together and post it to them, or you have a trip to the park, or put a favourite dvd on, or sit down and have a cuddle. You simply cannot cut out of your children's lives anything that causes them upset - it is not possible nor is it practical.

It is also worth noting, Animation, that it is her Dh's parents not hers, who have emigrated - so I am unsure why you think she would be feeling so abandoned.

OP, you are mad, this is probably the most unreasonable thread around this utterly unreasonable place, ever.
You can't possibly be real [hopes].

The OP (and DH) FEEL like telling the in-laws to back off - and hopefully they don't follow through with it - it wouldn't make them feel good later.

But I can understand why they might be feeling negative, hurt, angry, resentful - particularly if they're struggling, and just miss them.

Parents who chose to emigrate all that way have at the same time choosen a lifestyle away from their kids. These in-laws don't appear to be in New Zealand because they have family ties - or that it's their country of origin.

The OP and her DH are perfectly reasonable in FEELING the way they do. I actually don't know of any parents who would do this kind of thing - chose to move so far away, perminantly. Seems unnatural to me.

Animation-the title of OP's post reads:'AIBU to ask long distance grandparents to back off?'
She also states that she is seriously considering cutting off all contact altogether as it just causes more upset.
Sorry but must have read it differently to you as I missed the part where she said she FEELS like doing it.

Jim - (can I call you Jim?).

She sounds angry to me - we can do foolish things when we're ANGRY.

I can understand why she's angry - can you?

Course Jim's fine
I too couldn't move to the other side of the world away from my DC but lets not forget they're not her parents they're her DH's.
Alot of my family live in Australia and Abu Dhabi(they moved there for work reasons aswell as the lifestyle)and whenever they get the chance(or enough money)to visit the UK we have a lovely time and we make the most of our time together with the DC(who get spoilt).
Quality not quantity
Oh and of course the the OP has the right to feel angry sometimes I secretly think certain family members are very selfish to bugger off thousands of miles away but I would NEVER EVER consider cutting off contact.Not in a million years.

5dollarshake, whereabouts in NZ are you going if you don't mind my asking?