to ask long distance grandprents to back off?

[Katkinso]

My DH's parents emigrated to New Zealand about ten years ago. Since then he has met, married and had two childen with me (a 4yr old DS and 10mth old DD).
My parents in law have visited on three occasions in the last four and a half years (once for the wedding, and once when each child was born).
We can't afford to visit them so the only other contact has been phone, webcam and letters, which don't really work.
Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them and then is increasingly bereft when they leave and we have to deal with weeks of questions like "why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them."
We have asked them several times to consider moving back so we can all enjoy a closer family relationship but they will not consider it.
We live very close to my parents/siblings so we try to make the most of that.
I know this sounds harsh but if there is no chance of our children having a proper relationship with their long distance grandparents, we are seriously considering asking them to stop all contact with them, as it just causes more upset.

Your whole problem seems to be that you don't like having to deal with your DS getting upset. Missing someone is part of life, you can't shelter him from it.

Just find a way of explaining that it's all part of having family, and then get him to look forward to something like sending his grandparents a little present or an e-mail.

To end this relationship would be very cruel.

If you're as unpleasant as you sound I'm not surprised they moved to New Zealand and refuse to move back to suit you.

YABU. If your DS is upset at his GPs going home after a visit how heartbroken would he be when you tell him he'll never see them again because he feels sad when they go home?

My dds say things like 'I wished I lived with Grandpa and X' and 'I love Grandpa so much' when they come home from visiting them. I don't take it as a slight against me! I consider it wonderful that they have such a close relationship. Your son has bonded with them, you are now considering breaking that bond, you would have to have a very good reason (such as them being very nasty or toxic) to do so, otherwise it's actually emotionally quite cruel (he won't forget about them just like that, he'll keep thinking back to them and wondering why he doesn't see them any more).

Like everyone else, I feel there must be a backstory, otherwise this is one of the most strange posts I've ever read.

Op

You are the stupid one. You do not see the harm you do. Your children have a right to a relationship with their grandparents and it is nothing to do with you.

Would you cut your family off if they moved away?

How about if your dh gets a job working away? Surely divorce would be the best solution going by your rationale.

Just to clarify:
Thanks again to everyone who has offered useful advice.

I don't mind that people don't agreed with e or really fully understand my pov but i do take issue with me (or my post) being called names because it's not necessary and isn't in the spirit of Mumsnet.

"Difficult situation" - eh?

OP, could you explain the complexity because on the surface it sounds simple. Keeping in touch with people has never been easier - email, webcams, facebook, skype, phone, letters if you want to go really old school. Maybe you've been spoilt having your family so close. They have one type of relationship with the children, and the long distance family have another type of relationship. One isn't necessarily better than the other - just different.

Wow, we are in Canada and it hurts to say goodbye to family, my mum is always in floods of tears as are the kids on the way home from the airport......after two weeks of being spoilt and loved. I can't for the life of me see why you would cut them out of your life, that's like my parents cutting me out of their lives because I live on the other side of the world and they only get to see the DC a few times a year, madness woman.

YABVVU

How lovely that the GP come and visit you and make it easier than getting to NZ. Skype is wonderful, letters are great fun to receive and to write. You should count yourself v v lucky that your children have such great GP.
My family is in the southern hemisphere, my mother is unable to fly to visit her GC. I fail to see how 'complex' your situation is.
Get over yourself.

Why is the problem complex? It seems very simple indeed

jumpingbeans got it right "you are a nasty piece of work young lady"

And as for your DH he's either completely spineless or just totally disrespectful to his parents

My goodness you sound like a really horrible person. How could you deny both your child and his grandparents a relationship because it seems to be an inconvenience to you. I think there are other issues here, you probably dislike them and are looking for an excuse to cut them off.

YABVU. Get a grip.

OP people are incredulous because you really haven't explained yourself at all. This makes you sound particularly immature, particularly saying we're not acting in the spirit of mn

I think it would be a bit of a desperate measure. Surely your DCs are better having intermittent time with these grandparents who clearly love them, than none at all. Distance is a reality for a lot of people, its your job to reassure the children, which is not always easy, but you have to do it. What would you tell the kids anyway, "oh your grandparents died" or "They no longer love you enough to make contact" I don't think you've explored all the rammifications, tbh. Try again.

oh and just one final response..

Mayb I'm not a nice person, but to those of you who have called me mad or words to that efect, that is not very helpful considering I am currently on medication for post-natal depresion.
Perhaps sme of you could in future just take a deep breath and consider the wording of your responses.

maybe you shouldn't of posted this in AIBU then OP.

[Hmm] yet again.

op - why not just talk to your dc about why they donot see them so much? it's not difficult for them or you to keep chatting.

Perhaps you could consider your wording. What is your DH's excuse?

Top tip for the future - never post in AIBU if you've got PND. Seriously.

Of course flaming people on AIBU is the spitit of Mumsnet. Have you got us mixed up with Netmums or something?

Oh, and YABVU, btw. I grew up in South Africa, far away from my GPs and only saw them every 5 years or so, but I'm closer to my DGM than to either of my parents.

OK I will take a big deep breath in light of what you said, and I said, and amend my post to this.

If you have PND this is totally the wrong time to be making life changing decisions and cutting people out of your lives.

It is sad when people go away, but much sadder when they go away forever. Your children will sadly experience the permanent loss of a grandparent sometime through death, let them enjoy the relationships, however complex, they have right now.

to be honest i did. it would have been much worse otherwise. hope you get better soon