to ask long distance grandprents to back off?

[Katkinso]

My DH's parents emigrated to New Zealand about ten years ago. Since then he has met, married and had two childen with me (a 4yr old DS and 10mth old DD).
My parents in law have visited on three occasions in the last four and a half years (once for the wedding, and once when each child was born).
We can't afford to visit them so the only other contact has been phone, webcam and letters, which don't really work.
Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them and then is increasingly bereft when they leave and we have to deal with weeks of questions like "why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them."
We have asked them several times to consider moving back so we can all enjoy a closer family relationship but they will not consider it.
We live very close to my parents/siblings so we try to make the most of that.
I know this sounds harsh but if there is no chance of our children having a proper relationship with their long distance grandparents, we are seriously considering asking them to stop all contact with them, as it just causes more upset.

I don't believe this op.

Really this is a waste of time. Even if it is for real.

YABVU.....Does your DH share your view of his parents?

Of course DC are upset when GP leave. It is something they will get used to and learn to deal with like every other 'disappointment'.

So,when your DC grow up, you will be happy to be cut out of their lives if you don't do as you are told?

That is effectively what you will be doing to your ILs if you proceed with this.

ILs can be a PITA, but they love your DC and children can never have too many people in their lives who love them.Wherever possible they should be allowed to have a relationship with their DGC. I hope my children don't grow up to marry someone like you!

Wow you sound HORRIBLE.

Your un-laws are so lovely that your kids adore them and miss them after they have visited so you want to cut contact??

You odd ball.

sorry that may have been a bit harsh, but am genuinly

yabu of course. There's no reason to feel they won't have a close personal relationship. Is there more to this than you're sharing so far?

Get skype set up and have calls every couple of weeks. We had a very successful skype birthday party this year, complete with party hats, cake and candles, balloons and games.

jeeez! YABVVVU! Same boat as you and don't understand your position at all. It does come across as ULTRA selfish.

I also think you are being staggeringly unreasonable.

We were in the reverse position - DH and I moved overseas before DCs were born, and generally only saw GPs once a year when we returned to the UK for the summer. And yes of course they were spoilt rotten while visiting. But how on earth could a four year old being upset when grandparents leave be a valid reason for permanently breaking off family ties?

Can you imagine explaining to your 6/8/10/12-year-old when they ask about their other grandparents, "Oh, when you were little you used to get upset when they left, so we decided never to see them again." Absolutely unbelievable.

I presume there must be some other issues between you and your inlaws which make you feel this way.

And if you are seriously considering this, can you not realise that the older children get, the more able they are to maintain a long-distance relationship via phone/skype/letters/photos etc.

you sound lovely

So your dh is thinking of cutting contact with his parents?

OMG my parents moved overseas, it breaks my heart they can't be arsed to do anything at all with my DCs, they don't bother with birthday/christmas cards or presents. I would love my DCs to have grandparents that gave a toss and made them feel special.

My parents haven't made an effort to see my DCs in four years, they were in the UK last month and unfortunately I didn't have any money at all to drive up north to see them, they drove past my house on the way to the airport and still didn't bother with them, never even phoned when they were in the country, but phoned to say they'd arrived home safely.

Grandparents should spoil children, I only ever got sweets from my grandma, mum never gave them to us. Seeing my grandparents was a really special day out.

I think YABVU I would absolutely love it my parents showed my DCs love and spoiled them.

Thank god my ds married who he did, it would break my heart if I did not get to see / be a part of my dgc lives, you are a nasty piece of work young lady.

My grandparents emigrated to Australia before my parents married. My grandmother died soon after my second (older then me) brother was born. Around the time I came along, my grandfather remarried. We saw them rarely, but they remembered birthdays, sending cards usually with a cheque and a letter enclosed. They visited once every couple of years.

This was before webcams and when international phonecalls were remarkably expensive. We never phoned them, they rarely, if ever, phoned us. When they visited we enjoyed our time together. When they went back we knew it was because they lived in another country and we'd see them in a while. We never went there to visit (Mum and dad did once we were old enough to be left alone in the house, but the 'kids' have never been)

Why on earth should they move back to suit you? They made their choice to move over there, knowing that it may the the case that their DS would have children. I'm sure you can explain to your children that they live abroad and that yes, you all miss them, but that you can send emails and talk on the webcam and will see them soon.

I think you are ridiculous to be considering cutting them off just because they live so far away. And yes, YABVVVVVVU.

YABU my grandparents live in the southern hemisphere and face to face contact was limited that's what phones, emails, the internet, SKYPE and good old fashioned letters are for. As a child I just accepted the situation as I knew no different and it was never a problem. Now that I am able to self-fund my own flights I have a loving home from home with people who know me and love me when I travel there. Don't deny your children that opportunity.

OP - are you for real? Assume this is a wind up!

If not, you need to seriously sit back and have a good hard think about this.

Blimey Yabvu.

Lots of little children get upset when it's time to say goodbye to people they love, even if they see them often. They learn to manage it and understand.

I can remember when my dc were v small they wanted everyone they loved to all live together in one big house. We lightheartedly laughed about it and explained why not. It's how little children look at life, but they understand in time how the world really works.

You are being very unkind to consider cutting off all contact because GP's don't or won't live where you say they should. Jeez!

Of course, I don't really need to add:

YABVVVVVU, one of the worst AIBU's I have ever seen!

This OP cannot be real as no one with even half a brain could be this unreasonable / selfish / twattish. Made up tripe. Try harder next time.

Oh and when I was 2-4yo one of my grandmas lived about 20mins away and we saw her once a week. I sobbed hysterically every time she left. It was never suggested that she should never come round again!

Yeah, what selfish bastards having their own lives, eh? It goes without saying that you are quite, quite mad.

I don't usually answer posts this harshly but I was horrified to read yours- utterly, utterly unreasonable. Your poor DH.

I grew up in NZ myself with all grandparents in the UK but those long-distance relationships were very important to me and I subsequently had close adult relationships with my grandparents.

Now I am the one who has moved to Europe and married someone from the EU, so my parents are the long-distance ones. Again, my children adore them and I make every effort to keep the relationships alive. Yes, my kids get very upset when the grandparents go home (or when we come back after a visit) but if that is the price to pay for them having a relationship with their grandparents then I consider it a small one. Not to mention teaching them a few life skills...

But to give you a bit of encouragement, the phone etc does all get much easier when they are bigger - my 7yo now has very interesting phone conversations with my mum, despite a slight speech impediment.

You can't possibly be serious.

In case you are, phone, webcam and letters are great. My 3yo DS1 and 1yo DS2 have webcam chats with my PIL weekly and it's great - really helps them bond and stay familiar. They don't see them that often but when they came up recently my 1yo totally recognised them from seeing them every week on the computer.

Ok I think I have read enough replies to get the message. Of course I am very unsure of what is the best way to deal with this difficult situation and both me and my DH have discussed this a lot (and we agree incidentally, it's not all me).
Thanks to everyone who tried to understand what is actually a far more complex problem than most of you think and for your good advice which i will take on board.

For those of you who just see read, react and flame me, with nothing more intelligent/productive/reasoned to give than insults then, as usual, you give Mumsnet a bad name!

I think you've got the drift of opinion by now.

My sister and her kids live in NZ - I and my parents live here. We do all we can to maintain loving and involved family relationships - and we can't afford flights at any greater frequency than you've described.

YABU with cherries on.