to ask long distance grandprents to back off?

[Katkinso]

My DH's parents emigrated to New Zealand about ten years ago. Since then he has met, married and had two childen with me (a 4yr old DS and 10mth old DD).
My parents in law have visited on three occasions in the last four and a half years (once for the wedding, and once when each child was born).
We can't afford to visit them so the only other contact has been phone, webcam and letters, which don't really work.
Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them and then is increasingly bereft when they leave and we have to deal with weeks of questions like "why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them."
We have asked them several times to consider moving back so we can all enjoy a closer family relationship but they will not consider it.
We live very close to my parents/siblings so we try to make the most of that.
I know this sounds harsh but if there is no chance of our children having a proper relationship with their long distance grandparents, we are seriously considering asking them to stop all contact with them, as it just causes more upset.

One set of ds's gps live a v expensive 12 hour flight away, and i am sure MIL misses her children and gc growing up, but it isn't really complicated or complex, just sad.
But ds understands that they live a long way away and he sees them when he sees them.
We wouldn't dream of cutting them out!
Are you hoping to force them back for good by sing the threat of being cut off?

As the children grow make sure they understand where their gps live. Show them on a globe, show them the route it takes, give them a timetable of a journey fom NZ - 'if they.got on the plane now...they're still on that plane...still...still....all night...still...abut nhow the plane would be landing'. Show them lots of pics - and tell them that when they are older they will be able to visit.

Oh how absolutely horrible for your dc and your p-i-l.I have a very dgd in Turkey and rarely see her but when we do it is about family love-what's wrong with you?Would you do that to your own dp??Thank God my d-i-l is not like you-wicked.

Havent read all the thread but just want to say that I would have LOVED having grandparents like these.

My dad left when I was 3 so havent seen him or any of his family in my entire life. On my mum's side, my grandad died when I was about 6-7 (cant remember much about him) and my nan died over 3 years ago. Me and my Nan didnt get on for years. I used to dream about having whole family that cared for me.

You're children are very lucky to have them.

YABVVVU!!

My bitch of a SIL used to be in the habit of telling her DSs that they were going to granny's house (my wonderful late MIL) when she wanted a babysitter, and only afterwards call MIL to ask if it was OK. MIL, while she adored her GSs, worked full time, and did actually have a life. So sometimes, she had to decline the request to babysit. So then of course my nephews would be very upset because SIL would tell them that Granny didn't want them to come over. And then finally the cow decided that her DSs were getting too upset by this and told MIL that she was cutting off all contact.

Poor MIL was absolutely devastated. Luckily SIL soon realised that this was depriving her of a babysitter and changed her mind.

Not entirely relevant to this situation, but having seen first-hand how upsetting it is for a loving grandparent to be told that contact is being cut off, I'd beg you not to do it.

I've just re-read this and am that somehow the OP has attempted to paint posters on here as vindictive in some way.
She (the OP) has outlined a truly horrible suggestion of cutting off her PILs from their grandchildren because.... oh God knows why but I didn't get it anyway. She asked if she was being unreasonable. Unsurprisingly, we all said that yes she was.

And then she flounces!!! And we're meant to feel bad?

Some of my best friends and my parents I only see once a year but we just pick up where we left off and the connection/love is always still there. Surely the quality of the contact is more important than the quantity.

I'm sorry OP, but all three of my Ds's grandparents live in New Zealand and can visit only occasionally.

My mother has visited the UK once, while his other grandparents come once a year.

My son has a fabulous relationship with all three of them despite it being long-distance most of the time. He enjoys speaking to them on the phone and he knows that they live in New Zealand.

I don't understand why you can't explain to your 4 year old that his grandparents live a very long way away and that you can't visit them all the time like the rest of his family. You can tell him that one day you might go and visit them on the big plane. With regard to your 10-month old, well, let's be honest here - they don;t really know or care about people's comings and goings.

There is no further complexity to the long-distance relationship and I think it would be very, very cruel of you to tell your PIL to back away. What you would be doing is emotionally blackmailing them - "if you won't come back, don't contact us".

I think that once you have recovered from your PND you may see that what I'm saying is true.

Email...
Letters...
MSN...
Facebook...
Webcam...
Skype...
This is what we do with my grandparents who live in Shetland (yes it's the UK but it may as well be on the Moon for how often we can get there) and my cousins in Aus. And my uncle in Sri Lanka. And my auntie in Switzerland.

Oh yes and telephone where we can without breaking the bank :)

BT charges 5p a minute to NZ. Probably less than what you're paying nannynobnobs!

Oh wow. My maternal grandparents and all my mum's family are on the other side of the world. We couldn't afford many visits. But I can't imagine how I would have felt if my parents had decided to cut contact. The time we did get to spend together meant everything to me. Yes we were sad when it ended, but it was wonderful.

There's so many more ways to keep in touch now as well. Ok a 4 year old might not get Skype, but they can wander past and wave hello at the webcam. If we'd had the technology back then my grandparents could have had daily updates about us, it would have been amazing.

Don't deprive of your kids of people who love them. The world is too full of people who don't give a damn to lose any of those who do.

Telediscount.com 2p/min to NZ.

I find it strange that your dh is in agreement with you about cutting contact. They are his parents, how can he just drop them like that?

I hope you reconsider after all the replies you got here.

Your kids love there GP's and they are loved right back, how can that ever be a bad thing.

I can only imagine how hurt the GP's would be if you go ahead with this.

read first 3 pages and was agust at op

well of course if you do decide to cut contact and guaranted upset to everybody (apart from yourself)that is,wonder if the gp would cut your family out the will,like you would come them out of your familys life

sure youd be furious if that happened

this is meant tongue in cheek but i could just imagine your anger at that

YABU- and blind as a bat. Your DS gets 'increasingly bereft' and pesters on about when he can see grandparents again because he is playing you- winding you up.
Young children often do this - you need to nip it in the bud, not go all stroppy with grandparents.
Tell brat the shut up in no uncertain terms the sec he starts and if you actually mean it, I can promise he will shut up.

Katkinso - I'm afraid I agree with everyone else but it wouldn't be productive to repeat it all. But I will make one point.

The flip-side of love is potential unhappiness. If you love someone and they're not there, that saddens you. What your children are feeling is totally normal. But they're children, and they will bounce back quickly. A week of "I miss Grandma" is a totally reasonable price for having them in their life. You will be upset when your elderly relatives die. Would you rather cut off contact with them now to save yourself the heartache? No, you would rather treasure the memories you have together, and consider your life richer for having shared those memories together.

I would second those who've suggested Skype. My close friend is in Sydney, we've had children at the same time and shared that experience with Skype chats.

As everybody else is pointing out, this situation is only difficult if you make it so. That is if you do not use modern technology- or even snail mail- to facilitate everyday contact and do not make an effort to speak of the relationship to your dcs as a positive thing.

What you seem to be saying is that you won't let them have contact with grandparents because it makes them sad when the contact stops and you don't want to deal with that.

Does that mean you will stop them from any other enjoyable activity in case they get sad when it stops? Never take them for a nice holiday because they might get sad when it finishes? Never take them for a day out because it will come to an end? Discourage friendships because friends move away or fall out? Or is it only the grandparents who get treated this way? And if so- why is that?

All parents have to deal with disappointment and missing people all the time, this is what we do as parents- teach our children to take it cheerfully and bravely. If you cut the contact, you are dodging an opportunity to teach essential life skills. And you certainly risk having it repeated in the next generation.

a 4yr old DS

My parents in law have visited on three occasions in the last four and a half years (once for the wedding, and once when each child was born).

Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them and then is increasingly bereft when they leave and we have to deal with weeks of questions like "why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them."

So they visited for your wedding - I presume DS wasn't born so he wouldn't have seen them?

They visited when DS was born - he must have been an amazingly intelligent baby to have been able to voice his feelings as a newborn!!

Actually based on your OP he has only seen them once.

Here have a

Your DH hasn't got PND, what is he thinking of?

I think, if you're honest with yourself, this is more about you and your DH, than your children. Is your DH upset with his parents for moving abroad? Why not tell us the back story.

If your children did this to you, I think you would be devastated (I would).

Totally, totally unreasonable. Although you may think you have your children's best interests at heart (but how can the upset possibly outweigh the pleasure they obviously get from seeing their grandparents?) this is a totally normal relationship for many grandparents and grandchildren, and the children will start to understand that as they grow up. I think it would be a terrible, terrible mistake for you to cut off contact with them. And I also think it's totally unreasonable of you to expect them to move back.

YABVU!!!!

gosh the things you read on MN ......

Totally unreasonable. Will you be severing contact with your dc if they dare to move too far away when they grow up?!

Haven't read the thread but they've only really met the 4 year old once to spoil him, he was a baby the last time presumably?! So it's not EVERY time they visit is it

Mad utterly mad imho