to ask long distance grandprents to back off?

[Katkinso]

My DH's parents emigrated to New Zealand about ten years ago. Since then he has met, married and had two childen with me (a 4yr old DS and 10mth old DD).
My parents in law have visited on three occasions in the last four and a half years (once for the wedding, and once when each child was born).
We can't afford to visit them so the only other contact has been phone, webcam and letters, which don't really work.
Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them and then is increasingly bereft when they leave and we have to deal with weeks of questions like "why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them."
We have asked them several times to consider moving back so we can all enjoy a closer family relationship but they will not consider it.
We live very close to my parents/siblings so we try to make the most of that.
I know this sounds harsh but if there is no chance of our children having a proper relationship with their long distance grandparents, we are seriously considering asking them to stop all contact with them, as it just causes more upset.

You should be grateful they want to be involved at all. My DH's bitch mother has never even met her Grandson, despite repeated attempts to arrange same. Memorable lines from her include "I don't care about that woman and HER baby", "I'm not interested in meeting HER and HER child", etc, etc for the last 13 years (son is 5, but she has never, ever liked me). Despite all that we still tried to have her involved. In the end we did cut off all contact as we decided that someone so emotionally abusive was not someone we wanted in our child's life. We would have loved to have had any contact at all, even if it meant sadness when she left or even if it was only webcam chats. It was an awful decision for us to have to make and that was over someone who was emotionally abusive and not interested in our family AT ALL. Someone who couldn't care less about any of us.

So yes you ABVVU to want to cut out people who seem to care for and love your children, just because they live far away doesn't make them any less a part of your family group, be grateful you've got them and save up to visit.

Complex problem?

Jeez..

Katsinko, it is very simple - let your children keep in contact. It really isn't complex at all.

This post cannot be true...
"Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them and then is increasingly bereft when they leave and we have to deal with weeks of questions like "why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them.""
By your own admission they've visited 3 times... Wedding, Birth of each DC... Surely your son will have only 'seen' them once that he remembers?!

Fuck me, are you actually for real? This isn't a joke?

Guaca-I said the same.

OP's post doesn't ring true.

If you have been judged harshly, then it is because of the words that you wrote. If you want an outcome more to your liking, then be nicer or don't ask for opinions that you don't truly want.

YANBU - it must be dreadfully distressing for them.

Did you know you can buy oxygen chambers, cotton wool padded coats, and individual air on ebay

Err... no, re read the OP. Can't see any complexity there at all. Sorry, you are overthinking this - can't see the wood for the trees (sorry for cliche). It is desperately simple.

Your DC have GP's. They need and will want to have a relationship, albeit long distance most of the time, with the GP's. It is GOOD for your children to have that relationship. My DC sometimes wail when we leave GP's (they live 2 minutes away). Get over yourself lady.

How extraordinarily selfish you are.

DS has had an email address for ages (he is now 4yrs) and dictates emails to his grandparents. Skype is also good, webcam and all that jazz. Ours live closer but both sets are min 3hrs drive away so we don't see them all the time.

The OP has posted before, I don't think she is a troll, just a bit fuckwittish.

My child's grandparents are all abroad, in fact most of his extended family is. We get by fine.

Just explain how you will tell your children, when they are older, that you deliberately cut off their contact with their grandparents.

Or tell us how you plan to tell dh's parents about this:
"We've decided that the kids get too upset at the end of your visits, so unless you move back to the UK, we are going to refuse to let you see them any more."

How would you feel if your DIL said this to you? How do you think your dh is going to feel, being put in the middle like this.

Essentially you are threatening to cut off contact between your PIL and your dc in order to emotionally blackmail them into moving back to live near you.

It sounds pretty nasty, when you put it that way, doesn't it.

SDTG -

Oh - and please could you try to avoid the AIBU cliche of dismissing posts that disagree with you as unintelligent, incapable of reason and with nothing productive to offer.

IF this is a genuine query, which I find hard to believe:

I am in the same situation as you.

I move heaven and earth to maintain my DC's relationship with their grandparents. They have a right to a relationship with their GPs and vice versa.

And I think you are a loon.

My DCs have grandparents in NZ and Ireland - the thought of cutting one or both sets out of each others lives breaks my heart, let alone theirs.

Give us the complicated back story then, and maybe we'll be a bit more sympathetic.

I am rarely shocked by anything in AIBU anymore, but this has done it. :(

In response to YOUR op, you know, the one that YOU wrote.

Yabvvvvu and come across as a nasty control freak.

Another round of applause for SDTG. If people don't agree with you on AIBU? you could consider it may be that YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE

I don't really see why this is complex. Plenty of people don't live in the same country as the grandparents, us included. We do the same as you, emails, letters and visits when we can. I have never heard of anyone cutting off from grandparents who live in another country, just because the children say they 'miss them'. This is normal children talk, and to react to it by cutting them off from them, and your husband from his parents (as presumably he won't be able to speak to them if the children can't either) is extreme. It's normal to have to manage children's emotions, and it's normal to deal with family members in other countries. You haven't really explained why this situation is more complex, or more worthy of splitting up, than any other typical family spread out around the globe.

"we are seriously considering asking them to stop all contact with them, as it just causes more upset."

No. Really?

I emigrated over here and my whole family still lives back in NZ and Australia. I would never NEVER consider cutting them out of my child's life just because they're so far away. Just as they would never ask us to move to NZ.

I agree that it is hard trying to form a strong bond between grandchild and grandparents when the distance is so far, but it's far better than no relationship at all.

I agree with everyone else,Im shocked ypu are even thinking of this ! How would you feel if this happens to you in the future ?

If there are other issues, as you say its 'more complex' then you need to tell us what they are, because on the face of what you've written they sound lovely and you sound like a cow.

doesn't sound in the least bit complex - there are plenty of us who are in the same situation and that is why we are all shocked!

unless this is an AIBU by stealth, and there is a whole backstory that you will now divulge bit by bit...

So, your DH agrees with you? Then you're both pretty unpleasant.

You say that this is a very difficult situation. Why? It's no worse than many people deal with perfectly successfully. In fact, in the important ways, it's better, in that your PILs clearly care for your DCs and have made every effort to be a loving presence in their lives. Surely if the kids are asking for them after a visit, it just proves that the relationship is good? Which is something to celebrate, not stamp on.
I feel very sorry for your PILs and your DCs.