to ask long distance grandprents to back off?

[Katkinso]

My DH's parents emigrated to New Zealand about ten years ago. Since then he has met, married and had two childen with me (a 4yr old DS and 10mth old DD).
My parents in law have visited on three occasions in the last four and a half years (once for the wedding, and once when each child was born).
We can't afford to visit them so the only other contact has been phone, webcam and letters, which don't really work.
Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them and then is increasingly bereft when they leave and we have to deal with weeks of questions like "why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them."
We have asked them several times to consider moving back so we can all enjoy a closer family relationship but they will not consider it.
We live very close to my parents/siblings so we try to make the most of that.
I know this sounds harsh but if there is no chance of our children having a proper relationship with their long distance grandparents, we are seriously considering asking them to stop all contact with them, as it just causes more upset.

YABVVVU.You also sound like a nasty piece of work.

OP, you sound deranged -at best.

Part of your job as a parent is to help your children manage their expectations and disappointments. If you decide not to tackle this one at all by cutting contact (with two people who btw sound lovely), it does not bode well for any future hiccups in your children's lives.

yabu

Unbelievably nasty.

I think the OP gets the point after 7pages of gentle mums net advice.
but how do you go about keeping a relationship with grandparents that live abroad who are not at all computer savvy and generally not that interested in your little emperors?

My FIL lives in Spain, he is a lovely man but he has his own life on the costa. He doesn't caome back to the uk and visiting him has become our only holiday destination for the last 4yrs. most of the holiday is spent waiting for him to finish golf so that a few hours can be spent together with the dc.
You can't change people and it is his life but I am getting mighty bored of visiting just to keep that very weak connection, and the dc are growing up fast, I acnt see teenagers spending their summer holiday in what is a retirement bungalow in the sun.

Any advice to keep that connection with grandparents.

You are being unreasonable and nasty

You job is to make your child understand that his grandparents live far away and time with them is special, I think as he gets older the web cam will help

YABVVVVVVVU, selfish, and thinking only of yourself, if you wereent you would want them to have a relationship with their grandparents.

"but how do you go about keeping a relationship with grandparents that live abroad who are not at all computer savvy and generally not that interested in your little emperors?"

If grandparents are not interested, then it really wouldn't help if they lived just down the road tbh; their lack of interest would only be more apparent. But this was not the OPs problem.

If grandparents are interested then a weekly phone call, a monthly letter and the very occasional visit will be plenty.

You are touched, as my dear old mum would say.

My children's grandparents live in Oz...we skype almst daily...they play with them...Granny even helps my 6 year old do her reading homework. It's good for the DCs to learn about the world and how large it is...it'sgood for them to understand about livig in different countries...YABU get skype and suck it up.

How horrible no no no you can't possibly ask that of them.

In what way do you think cutting all contact will benefit anybody? It will stop the yearly hour or so of the kids being upset but that is all.

And I suspect your H is so freaked out by your PND he is agreeing to anything to keep the peace.

YABU.
You are being selfish and mean and really, you don't have the right to do this.

Wow. This really is a shocking post.

Both of our DD's sets of grandparents live in Australia and we would never consider asking them to cut contact, for their sake and for our DD's.

We skype every weekend whcih can be a real pain but works very well. Plus, have you tried Dropbox? You can upload video on there for all the family to look at.

YABVU. I can't believe you're for real!

You're taking the piss.

Ha, I thought you were going to say, because they stay with you for months on end, phone everyday at odd times when they're back home and demand to speak with their DGC, and send parcels every week filled with junk you don't have room for.

Hahahaha, you're very funny OP.

Heh heh, that is EXACTLY the problem we have bigchief. I was thinking about posting an AIBU about our tiny flat being filled with junk from downunder but thought I'd get flamed. Now I am looking positively reasonable by comparison.

YABVU. Why should they move back to the UK.
Grandparents often spoil thier Grandchildren.
Just explain to your DS that his Nana and Grandad live in another country and they can't always get to see him. Read the letters they send to your Ds and help him write back, Also make good use of the webcamas all though his Nana and Grandad aren't in the room with him he';; be able to see them.
My parents live about an hour and a half a way and when my children were litle we didn't see them every week.

That's what DC do. When my DGC have to go home they all cling to me and say "I want to stay at Grandma's house".

If they lived with me 24/7, then they wouldn't be like that.

I sat the older two down and explained that mummy probably gets very upset when they don't want to go home (they have a lovely home and lovely parents).

When they ask if they can stay, I say only if you promise that when mummy comes, you go home without complaining.

Don't be too harsh with the OP. She probably gets upset when it appears that her DC prefer their DGP to her.

I even put a little piece on our family facebook thanking DD and her DH for allowing us so much time with the DGD.

Her response (with a smile) was "We're very happy to share them with you. Just have to work a bit harder on the going home bit"

It is normal for grandchildren to cry for their grandpaprents and loved family who they don't often see. I remember when I was 7 and my aunt visuted for a few months, then left. I remember crying and crying and thinking who could she leave me. But I would never give up the happy memories of my aunt visiting.

As they grow older, they will understand their grandparents do live far away and seeing them is a special treat, like Christmas,or birthdays, that come rarely, but are/is very special when it does happen.

Several people have brought this up, OP, but are you going to respond to it?

Your son has had one visit from his grandparents that he remembers, ever. Is that right?

So what does 'increasingly bereft' mean?

As for the husband's attitude, I'm not surprised he agrees with the bonkers OP, if he's thought it alright to ask his parents several times to move to the ohter side of the world just because he's got children now. The entitlement in that attitude is just astounding.

No need for name calling. The OP sounds like she finds it hard coping with the feelings these visits stir up in the whole family.

My in-laws live in the US. They visit every 2 years and there is a sense of loss when they go back and this hangs around for a few weeks. It's all a bit intense and then you get back to normal again.

So make skype etc work. WE have the same distance difference and all GPs stay in touch. Let the GPs read books etc over the computer to your ds (we have some book seg Mr Tickle, Peter rabbit etc) that we have and they have so they read and dd (aged 3) turns the pages. My Dad sometimes sings dds their lullaby over the phone and so on. When dd asks why she cant see them we get out the globe and explain. Obviously on visits they get spoiled rotten, but if you can't bask in seeing someone else love your children with that kind of unconditional love, your really are a very warped nasty selfish person.