to ask long distance grandprents to back off?

[Katkinso]

My DH's parents emigrated to New Zealand about ten years ago. Since then he has met, married and had two childen with me (a 4yr old DS and 10mth old DD).
My parents in law have visited on three occasions in the last four and a half years (once for the wedding, and once when each child was born).
We can't afford to visit them so the only other contact has been phone, webcam and letters, which don't really work.
Every time they do visit my DS gets spoiled rotten by them and then is increasingly bereft when they leave and we have to deal with weeks of questions like "why can't I see nana and grandad, I really miss them."
We have asked them several times to consider moving back so we can all enjoy a closer family relationship but they will not consider it.
We live very close to my parents/siblings so we try to make the most of that.
I know this sounds harsh but if there is no chance of our children having a proper relationship with their long distance grandparents, we are seriously considering asking them to stop all contact with them, as it just causes more upset.

My children are in the same boat. In fact, BOTH sets of grandparents live far away. It really isnt a 'difficult' situation at all.

Make sure regular letters are exchanged (with photos), visits are made as ad whe is affordable, skype etc. My children LOVE their grandparents. It is always a special time when they visit or we visit them, but that is how families work these days.

Please be reassured that as they get older it does get easier to maintain relationships between DCs and GPs. As the DCs learn to write the get quite excited about sending letters and paintings or drawings the have done. ALL children also love receiving mail some times even with little packets of stickers as a surprise! :)

How does your DH feel about this? Does he agree?

I guess it isn't as important for you as it's only his parents and not yours.

Did you expect everyone to go
"hmmm yes we think you should cut yor child's grandparents out of his life because they are really nice yo him and he obviously loves them?"

Did you think everyone would think that's a good idea???????

Back off now, everyone, OP has already said she's got your point.

Having pnd is not a get out clause for behaving in a selfish unreasonable manner.

Agree with Enorma

No excuse.

I think the depression you are suffering is clouding your judgment. Thus, there is no need to make any hasty decisions regarding your PIL. Permanently cutting a relationship for what only seems like (perhaps misguided) kindness would seem a little drastic.

Life is too short to make divisions like this in your family.

Second what goldenticket said:

"Top tip for the future - never post in AIBU if you've got PND. Seriously."

Also, probably best not to make any drastic decisions about family when suffering from PND. Your ability to see things clearly and deal with relationships is likely to be skewed at the moment.

Right AIBU by stealth.

Ok op. Why not have a good think about 'the situation when you are feeling stronger. In the meantime just concentrate on getting better.

I was trying to be helpful!!

OP, really really reread AnnOnimous's last post.

Also, what is "a proper relationship" anyway? AnnieLobeder in your world wouldn't even know her DGM but instead has a great relationship with her as a grown-up.

Seriously, this will not be easier in the long run. Please look at how easy things like skype are now - your kids could be talking to their Grandparents daily if they wanted to.

OP - gives us some more details of the complexity - there are loads of us in the same boat, so perhaps we can advise.

Don't forget that your children won't be little forever, and as teens and adults, they will be able to get so much more out of the relationship.

And don't forget that grandparents won't be around forever. It's really not worth depriving them of this happiness, if they're otherwise good people.

The reason everyone has been so aghast is because it's such an unusually drastic measure. As I say, give h's some more background and maybe we can help.

Katkinso - has anything said on this thread made you change your mind about this?

Have you considered the questions I asked you earlier:

"Just explain how you will tell your children, when they are older, that you deliberately cut off their contact with their grandparents.

Or tell us how you plan to tell dh's parents about this:
"We've decided that the kids get too upset at the end of your visits, so unless you move back to the UK, we are going to refuse to let you see them any more."

How would you feel if your DIL said this to you? How do you think your dh is going to feel, being put in the middle like this.

Essentially you are threatening to cut off contact between your PIL and your dc in order to emotionally blackmail them into moving back to live near you.

It sounds pretty nasty, when you put it that way, doesn't it"

This is not a complicated situation AT ALL. They seem like wonderful GPs and you seem very demanding and willing to tantrum and take the LOs away from them if they won't bend to your will. PND aside (because I don't think that's actually at all relevant to this supposed dilemma), your DCs are lucky to have GPs who love them and want to maintain a relationship with them and you have no right to sever their contact on those grounds, it would be horribly unfair on the LOs.

I really hope you realise how terribly unreasonable you are, and that you are just not admitting it to save face, because you are so wildly in the wrong here I am struggling to find the words.

I am glad OP has admitted people have got a point. I couldn't believe this thread!! How cruel-both to DCs, DH and Grandparents!!

STDG - by all accounts, the OP's DP is in agreement with her...

You are right, 5Dollar - I missed that bit. I'd still be interested in the OP's response to my other points.

They are NBU unreasonable not to move back to be near their gc - but YABU to think then because they are not around much it's better to have no contact.

OP
Have PMed you.

I live abroad, but in Europe, and every time I come back here from staying with my Mum, I miss her loads (I am 44), and am grumpy for a week or so. However, I speak to her every day; we email; I have Skype and I stick cards in the post, as does she. She would be gutted if I refused to see her, or to cut all ties with her, because it makes me upset when I come back to Belgium.

I am aware that my Mum is getting older and time spent with her is precious. My ds has a great relationship with her (he is 15), and we have been abroad for 4 years now. They are just as close as they ever were.

Your kids will grow up and realise where NZ is, and that isn't a matter of jumping in the car to get there. When I was growing up (in the 70s), I rarely saw my gps (perhaps twice a year) as travel took time and we were in Hants/Devon/Scotland, and they were in Suffolk. They didn't have a phone iehter, so contact was limited. I loved my gps to bits however, and the distance didn't mean that we didn't have a close relationship.

YABU, but I think you know that.

You need to think this through very very carefully because believe me, you will cause much much more upset if you go through with this. And this includes to your children too who will have to come to terms with the fact that their parents prevented them from seeing their wonderful grandparents because they didn't think they could cope with the upset of saying goodbye. Children are so adaptable and as they grow older they will be able to communicate via email, Skype etc as well as in person when they visit. I would not be surprised if they decide when they grow older that what you did was unforgivable if you go through with it. Sad but true. And as for the grandparents. You will devestate them and they do not deserve that. How on earth would you feel if your DC's did this to you? I don't understand how you can even contemplate this.

Seriously ? Grow up, you don't realise how lucky you are, I would cut off my right arm to give my dcs Grandparents who are interested in them, my poor son has resorted to calling my friend 'Grandma' be cause that's the nearest he'll get to having one.

Have you tried some practical solutions (Skype or similar perhaps) to increase contact.

Don't remove people who love them from your DC's lives, your ILs will be heartbroken, and your DC will miss out on something very important in their lives.

Katsinko - I first met one of my granmothers for the first time when I was about 8 years old. We didn't speak the same language - but she was my gran and I her grandchild. We loved each other.

There is so much technology out there now and they can have very good long distance relationship. My ds adores my mum but doesn't get to see her that often - as she is in the UK he calls her for chat and she calls him. Skype is great for long distance.

Bloody hell - my aunt lives in another country and I've got no chance of going out to visit her - I skype her as she's no less an aunt for it.

These are gps - really think about the impact on your kids and your dh. I cannot imagine if my dh asked me to cut ties with my dm - the person who gave birth to me. I loathe my mil but I would never entertain the idea that dh and ds should not have a relationship with her (and she lives abroad and it's expensive to go). My mil is my son's granmda and even if she's a long way I ensure that he's fully aware of her.

OP - my parents live an hour away and are less interested in my DC than your PIL's are interested in your DC.

It is such a precious relationship - my DC are really missing out - a cold and distant (in the emotional sense) relationship, whereas yours can have a warm and loving (albeit distant) relationship with GP's who REALLY CARE!!! Do not underestimate the importance of that. There are so many GP's who do not care, and the DC suffer as a result.

Think on, OP, seriously, if you go through with this, you will never forgive yourself for the damage you will do to your DC in the long term.