to be annoyed with dp for blowing £12k?

[whethergirl]

DP is just so irresponsible with finances and I'm not exactly a whizz at this sort of stuff myself but have more respect towards money.

We are trying to make plans to live together. He inherited a house out in the country and also about £20k. He spent some of that before I met him and had 12k left. The idea is to sell his house, and together with his savings, put it towards a new home together.

He has problems opening letters. So he has piles of unopened letters at his place, which I've offered to help with. As a result, he has bills/arrears that he is unaware of until it gets serious.

He is very generous and doesn't care much about money but is, I feel, silly with money. Just splashes it about without thinking. I've even felt annoyed when he's bought me unnecessary presents that I won't even use.

He has now just told me that he doesn't have the 12k anymore. He has never told me he's been spending that money. It's all gone on takeaways, nights out (with me), taking our kids out, eating out, guitars, books, etc. I have made comments before, like "Are you sure you can afford this?" and telling him we don't need to get a takeaway every week and it doesn't feel like a treat when we do.

He has basically spent it on having a good time and ignoring bills, most of it with me, but I told him that's not my responsibilty and he shouldn't have been spending his savings.

I'm angry because that money was for our future. I told him it's his money and ultimately he can do what he wants. But that I can't plan a future with him if he is going to be this irresponsible with money. I'm not saying I would end our relationship because of it, (I love him). But I've lived with a boyfriend who was irresponsible with money before, and it also becomes my headache and I end up even worse off than if I was on my own.

He's really upset that I'm annoyed with him. Am I being too harsh?

Please, accept that you do not have a future with this man. Unless he completely changes. But generally they dont.

You do still have a house to sell - i suspect knowing this he was a bit daft with the rest of it - i guess if it were the only money he had he would have been more careful.

Yes you can be pissed off but do remember it is not your money.

YANBU You're not being too harsh. 'A fool and his money are soon parted' and - even though it was his own money he was spending on this occasion - if you end up as a fool's partner your life will be a long round of misery and disappointment. You will always be scraping by & penny-pinching, no matter how big your income. Always dreading the next bill.

The only way to deal with someone who is financially illiterate is to take 100% control of the money. If they're happy to do it in order to be in a relationship with you then you might have a chance. If not, it's not a good prognosis.

How much are you putting towards the your future together?

If you are putting a lot in then really get some legal advice with shared purchases of houses etc.

I think Tatty's post is more than slightly ott! Of course she can have a future with him...people don't enter marriage perfectly formed and responsible! It's case of workingg out a budget OP...making him sit down to look at whats coming in and going out...seeing what's left and puttig some away...then the remainder is yours and his.

Its hard...my DH is a bit like yours...ever willing to go out and about...spending cash...you need to know the income too...and sit down to work it all out.

I do think YABU. he still has the house to sell and that should generate more than 12k.
I agree with other posters though, you do need to have a serious talk before committing any cash to a shared house.

I doubt he can change TattyDevine, it's just the way he is. Which has it's good side, he is not materialistic, he is generous, he is not a penny pincher....but living with someone is also a practical arrangement, and not just about love isn't it. I don't want to have to be the one panicking about money while he spends left right and centre.

Woolymindy, I know about the house, but even then I don't think he's being realistic about the amount he'll get for it, and he makes out that selling and buying a house is easy. And once he gets the money from the house....unless we use the money straightaway for a new home then how can I trust he won't spend it?

I know it's not my money, but he is always the one going on about our future together, how great it'll be once we live together, and a lot of that was counting on that money he has blown. So he has made me make certain descisions re my future to depend on that.

What makes me sick as well is that his poor mum scrimped and saved all her life, then he inherited it when she passed away and just blew it. No respect.

£12K seems like a hell of a lot to spend in dribs and drabs - how long a period has this been over? Because unless it was teh mother of all guitars, I can't see how takeways and day trips can possibly add up to £12K (unless he's not working, and the £12K was effectively living expenses). Are you sure he's telling you the whole truth?

It is, for me, a trust issue.

If you cannot trust him to be sensible with his money, how can you buy a house together, pool your resources and not be sure that he is spending money that should be used to pay heating bills or telephone bills.

He has to sort out his priorities.

It is not about the £12k really, but about how it demonstrates how terrible he is with money.

Why not say that if you live together then you take full responsibility for the finances? That you will have a joint account that you both put in money to cover the bills etc., i.e a direct debit from yours and one from his to cover all the household expenses. Then what he does with what he has left is his to spend as he chooses.

There are ways to sort this out.

TBH you could always have said no to the takeaways.

Tell him you want to go thru and make sure his debts are paid before you commit to buying a house together, i.e he has to be debt free.

He's a waster, sorry. I lived with someone similar once. I love having a good time and going on hols but only do what I can afford. We split up over his recklessness and I found out later that he inherited a pile, into 3 figures and it took him 4 yrs to blow it all on nothing!

If you still have the house to sell you need to tell him that you won't consider a future together unless he lets you control the money.

You have kids with him but don't live together?

Ok, I don't have anything to offer myself. I am a 'single' parent living on housing benefit. I am working part time from home and have little money to spare. He has offered to buy the house in my name as he doesn't even trust himself (which again just made me think that he's being irresponsible, he has a dd and ds and he's going to put a house in my name just like that!). Not that I would ever con him but still.

Chil1234, exactly what I'm dreading. He would be quite happy for me to take over financially. It's not exactly my forte and I would find it hard, I think ideally I would want us to do it together and have the support, instead of me stressing about money while he can relax and think I have it under control.

You've got to take a little bit of responsibility as well I think.
If you've been having a great old time with days out, buying lots for yourselves and the kids and having takeaways etc for aa good while with him and you know whaat you both earn, you'll know that you've been spending beyond your means as well as he does.
Its going to be hard to stick to a real budget going forward for the both of you as you are now so used to living on a much higher budget.

I don't really understand this whole thing of your money / my money. You are grown ups, with children, setting up home for the future - you are in it together so it is your shared future and the money should have been a joint responsibility and you should be making joint decisions.

You need to think seriously about the future - is his salary his to blow on anything he fancies? What if he gets into debt - will that be his problem to sort out too? Obviously the answer to those 2 questions is no, and if he can't work things out properly then you need to get a grip and totally take control of the finances.

I also agree with Hassled - you really need to understand where that £12k went because that is a large amount to have just disappeared.

Mostly though I think the issue here is the total lack of communication of understanding between you both on what is such a hugely important issue. That is really going to be a massive problem for the future unless you address it now.

I've never been great with money. Not reckless, and I've never had a big lump sum like that, but unable (too scared) to open bills etc.
Before we bought a house together (before we were married) DH sat down with me and all my paperwork. He explained about credit card payments, and helped me pay off debts, ensuring any remaining were in low interest places. Only then did he feel able to share buying a house with me.
Knowing that there was no longer a black cloud hanging over my head was a breath pf fresh air. I now open mail (mostly!) and always know what is in my accounts.

If you're not great with money yourself, you might not be the person for this job, but you can get an independent financial advisor to do it. I will be worth it.

Also, and I think probably I'll get a lot of YABU for this, but it's kind of made me lose a bit of respect for him. I more or less said to him "Just be a man and sort it out".

You see, I may not have much but money wasn't really a stress for me. And now it is, and we haven't even moved in together!

How long did it take him to spend it?

expat - just to clarify - I don't have kids with him. He has two kids from a previous marriage and I have my own ds.

Well it's a grand a month which is very eaily frittered away unfortunately.
It sounds like you need to find Mr sensible and he needs a Miss sensible, together you two will be no good for each other and poor.

Hassled - that's what I thought! He is on ok money too. I am in complete shock. We haven't been living it up that much! We haven't even been on holiday.

I can understand that you don't want to take over the finances, and agree that as an adult he has to stand up and be a "man" (would have said an adult, a grown up as I would expect a woman to do the same).

I am not good with money but we budget carefully (I use a budget software which shows me how much I have allocated for which purpose and when I have reached my limit for that month, I stop spending).

Could you sit down together and work out your combined income, what you spend it on, and try that out for a couple of months before committing to buying a house?

He has to be completely honest and open with you.

DO NOT move in with this man. I bet he does fuck all in the way of housework as well as being shit with money. DO you want to spend the rest of his life being his mum?
If he's charming, funny, good shag etc, enjoy dating him, but keep your finances separate from his and don't sign anything away.

If he sells the house and doesn't put the proceeds directly into another property he will fritter that all away too.

I don't blame you at all for losing respect for him - he's behaved like an idiot, but clearly it's his money to do what he wanted with - and he choose to spunk it all away, rather than use it constructively to improve the lot of his family. My 'respect' and 'trust' levels would be at an all time (perhaps irrecoverable) low at the point you are now at.

You have kids together but you don't live together? And he didn't use that money to bring his family to live together, or even to simply live with you if you don't have kids together? Sorry OP but I don't think he wants to live with you.

I think you liked the 12k and him owning his house more than your willing to admit.