to be annoyed with dp for blowing £12k?

[whethergirl]

DP is just so irresponsible with finances and I'm not exactly a whizz at this sort of stuff myself but have more respect towards money.

We are trying to make plans to live together. He inherited a house out in the country and also about £20k. He spent some of that before I met him and had 12k left. The idea is to sell his house, and together with his savings, put it towards a new home together.

He has problems opening letters. So he has piles of unopened letters at his place, which I've offered to help with. As a result, he has bills/arrears that he is unaware of until it gets serious.

He is very generous and doesn't care much about money but is, I feel, silly with money. Just splashes it about without thinking. I've even felt annoyed when he's bought me unnecessary presents that I won't even use.

He has now just told me that he doesn't have the 12k anymore. He has never told me he's been spending that money. It's all gone on takeaways, nights out (with me), taking our kids out, eating out, guitars, books, etc. I have made comments before, like "Are you sure you can afford this?" and telling him we don't need to get a takeaway every week and it doesn't feel like a treat when we do.

He has basically spent it on having a good time and ignoring bills, most of it with me, but I told him that's not my responsibilty and he shouldn't have been spending his savings.

I'm angry because that money was for our future. I told him it's his money and ultimately he can do what he wants. But that I can't plan a future with him if he is going to be this irresponsible with money. I'm not saying I would end our relationship because of it, (I love him). But I've lived with a boyfriend who was irresponsible with money before, and it also becomes my headache and I end up even worse off than if I was on my own.

He's really upset that I'm annoyed with him. Am I being too harsh?

I think you have 2 options if you want to stay with him.

1. keep your finances totally separate, build your own future for your own child, etc. Tbh not sure this will work if you stay together long term.
2. Take control. Find some things he/your family would really really love to spend £12k on. Show him what you could have had. Now show him how long it would take you to save that back up. If he still doesn't appreciate the problem, step away.

If he does get it, then get your finances in lock down. Essential expenses paid via direct debit from a joint account you can only withdraw money for with both of your agreements, or only you have a cashcard for it to buy the groceries. Standing orders to save a set amount whenever you're earning. 60-day notice period accounts wherever possible so you cant just 'buy a guitar'. No credit cards. Monthly meetings where you both sit down with bank statements and review the situation.

Yes, it's a bit like treating him like a child, but he obviously has his strengths, and money isn't one of them, so work as a team to get that side of your life under control.

aleene - alcohol is a weakness for him, a way of him avoiding stress but he has got help for it and i am certain he is not having problems with it at the mo.

Thanks everyone, the advice to carry on dating him but not make grand future plans with him sits well with me. I will tell him this and either he'll do something about it...or he won't.

30andMerkin, great advice, and I think he is well aware of the problem. When I said "I can't believe you've blown 12k" he said, "I know I'm an idiot, you don't have to tell me." And I'm not normally one to point out his faults or nag, and I will normally be more supportive about things. But actually, I now just feel, you have been an idiot and I DO need to tell you!

30andMerkin that's some fantastic advice, but option 2 is very very emotionally exhausting - is that something the OP will do I wonder? my uncle had to do something similar with his wife for years, in the end his "mothering" (?) of her just enabled her poor self control re: finances to continue.. they ended up divorcing with a terrible state of financial affairs (and kids involved too). he's like a new man now that he's shot of her. i would hate to think the OP looks back in 10 years, remembers this thread and wonders why she ever opted for number 2....

I don't suppose there is anyway I can show him this thread without him then being able to track all my previous posts?! Suppose I'll just have to copy and paste bits.

frgr - I must admit, it does sound very emotionally exhausting for me too. Basically, I'M taking all the responsibility when it should be shared.

Yes, agreed it could be exhausting. To a much much lesser extent I did it with my ex DP. He 'learnt' pretty quickly, and actually became much more reluctant to spend than me - I think he literally had never truly grasped the value of money, and with inheritance it does seem a bit Monopoly money-like sometimes.

The key point really is if you have to 'mother' him in lots of other areas of your life. Are there things (non-expenditure wise) that he takes control of, particularly if 2 of 3 of your DC are his? Does he sort out their lunches/collect from school/or anything WITHOUT you nagging?

If he can do it in other areas, I reckon it's worth putting in the effort to jointly take charge of the money. If it's always you.... then no.

It kind of breaks my heart that his poor mum scrimped and saved all her life, didn't even have a washing machine, then left him £20k for him to fritter away.

Basically you have three options:

• you do all the finances and live in constant fear that he is hiding something from you

• you split

• you learn together that each take responsibility over your finances. Which will mean a lot of give and take, a lot of negotiation but will in the end be the version that I would prefer.

You don't want to be his mother. You don't want to be his jailer, a nag, a bitch, you want to be his partner.

If he cannot see that, then he is not a grown man and not worth your time.

Well, you can't on one hand say that it is all his responsibility and nothing to do with you, and then on the other say that they money was for your future. Do you want anything to do with the money or not?

30andMerkin - We don't have kids together, he has his own 2 and I have one. He does take control in other areas, he is generally very helpful and great with fathering my DS. Also great with helping me with my problems - he just can't face his own.

PfftTheMagicDragon, I think that's a rather simplistic way of thinking of the OP's situation. She was hoping that the money helps to build their future together, but the management of that money to do this is the primary responsibility of the person bringing it to the table. Or, whichever way you look at it, at least half of the responsibility! Which is 50% more than her partner appears to be taking (and, more worryingly, plans to take) right now. that is the real issue here. it's not that he had Xk money and spent it. the poor management and weak handling really says more important things...

Yes sorry, that's what i meant. You have 3 children in your family, 2 of whom are 'his'. In an ideal world it would make no difference whose is whose, but I just meant to be sure that he hasn't effectively 'dumped' the responsibility of 2 more children on you and at least takes respoonsibility for them.

Of course, if you both share the care for all 3 of them equally, then that's great !

Well the money has been in HIS account, and I assumed safe and untouched! The money was for OUR future, ultimately it would still be his money and his house. But it would enable us to live together as family.
Yes frgr, he always made out money was fine, no problems, and that we had a great future involving a house to look forward to.
He has a habit of promising things without the realistic back up. So when he says, for example, "I'm going to take us all on an amazing holiday when I sell the house" - all great intentions, but we might not be able to afford it and I would rather put it towards the house. Holidays can come later. And he's already mentioned it to the kids!!

I can't keep having to read between the lines everytime he promises something, having to work out "Is that realistic? Can he afford it? Should I put a stop to it?".

Also, he will find out in 2 weeks whether he will be made redundant or not. He reckons he'll get about £10k if he is made redundant. He is 50 years old and a skilled labourer in a job that doesn't exist anymore due to new technology.

mjinhiding - yeh I totally see that. We've had amazing times together, but it's been at the expense of a bigger picture, and I guess I feel annoyed that I actually helped spend this money.
Not sure if his mum bailed him out, I don't think she did.

Yes, re the holiday, I guess it would be a good idea with regards to blending the family, and a good start. But we can do that on probably half the money he'll want to throw at it!

I've got to go out now but thank you, really needed to talk this over and it's been so helpful.

He's 50?

OK, that puts a different complexion on it. When I did the scary money chat with my DP he was fresh out of uni and earning money was a novelty to him.

I very much doubt you're ever going to change a 50 year old.

Yes mjinhiding, totally. I know it seems that he's the one with something to offer financially, but actually I will be giving up a lot as a single parent. At the moment, I have most of my rent paid for, a little extra from my part time at home work and I know where I stand and I rely on myself for that, I won't jeopardise that.

Can I just ask what you make of this text he just sent?
"Sorry to have let you and ds down. I really meant well! Feels like this world is a tad above me. Just don't get the Rat Race and money etc. Kinda scary but all my own stupidity, you deserve so much better than me. I really want us to be a family! Tell me what i have to do to make it right. I am so sorry to have messed it all up. Seems to be a (his name) problem, no lessons learned again. Perhaps I am really mad?"
Last bit was in ref to him being recommended for counselling due to his letter opening fears and being off work from stress.

Bloody hell, I repeat do NOT tie yourself to this man in any way. He's 50 and still behaving like a teenager? He wants you to look after him in his old age love! That's what all this 'we'll have a great future' is about.
I had a boyfriend a bit like this, a good 20 years ago. Full of grand plans, generous when he had the cash, but thoroughly irresponsible and TBH dishonest (not lying out of malice, lying to get himself out of trouble and believing many of his own lies). I lost about £2K on him before I saw the light and fled.