to be annoyed with dp for blowing £12k?

[whethergirl]

DP is just so irresponsible with finances and I'm not exactly a whizz at this sort of stuff myself but have more respect towards money.

We are trying to make plans to live together. He inherited a house out in the country and also about £20k. He spent some of that before I met him and had 12k left. The idea is to sell his house, and together with his savings, put it towards a new home together.

He has problems opening letters. So he has piles of unopened letters at his place, which I've offered to help with. As a result, he has bills/arrears that he is unaware of until it gets serious.

He is very generous and doesn't care much about money but is, I feel, silly with money. Just splashes it about without thinking. I've even felt annoyed when he's bought me unnecessary presents that I won't even use.

He has now just told me that he doesn't have the 12k anymore. He has never told me he's been spending that money. It's all gone on takeaways, nights out (with me), taking our kids out, eating out, guitars, books, etc. I have made comments before, like "Are you sure you can afford this?" and telling him we don't need to get a takeaway every week and it doesn't feel like a treat when we do.

He has basically spent it on having a good time and ignoring bills, most of it with me, but I told him that's not my responsibilty and he shouldn't have been spending his savings.

I'm angry because that money was for our future. I told him it's his money and ultimately he can do what he wants. But that I can't plan a future with him if he is going to be this irresponsible with money. I'm not saying I would end our relationship because of it, (I love him). But I've lived with a boyfriend who was irresponsible with money before, and it also becomes my headache and I end up even worse off than if I was on my own.

He's really upset that I'm annoyed with him. Am I being too harsh?

Nail on the head MmeLindt. He did have a bit of a drink problem for a few months as well which didn't help. Also he has been off work for 2 months with stress.

classydiva, I have said no to the takeaways. I've even questioned him when he said he's going to the bank - "Your not using your savings are you?" and he has skirted around the issue. Once, he got pissed, and came home with a bag of uneccesary presents for me - books, jewellery, CDs etc. I didn't want to be ungrateful but I actually just didn't appreciate it. It's not the same as getting one thoughtful gift that you have thought about and can afford.

If he has spent it over a year, it's hardly such an issue, tbh. He spent a lot of it, it seems like, on fun times with the OP.

Perhaps he's not great with money, but I don't think that makes him such a twat as you lot seem to be suggesting.

Maybe you could do what I did when Dh blew £900? (not the same amount, but still a massive deal at the time - turned out he had paid the rent twice AND NOT NOTICED and spent the rest on frivolities, for me and the kids as well, but still...)

I set up a joint account with www.thinkbanking.co.uk/ - they give you two accounts - "salaries" and "cards". You get paid (including benefits etc) into "salaries", and it automatically keeps back enough for all your standing orders, direct debits and so on, then it puts your "spends" onto the cashcards. We are just setting up an extra step of personal seperate "pocket money" accounts with our own banks, so that the cards with thinkbanking are only for food, kids stuff and so on, and then some will go to savings and a little bit to our pocket money accounts to spend on beer/take a break/world of warcraft/books etc. Thinkbanking charge a monthly fee of about £20, but there are no other fees for missing bills etc.

SUCH a relief to be able to do the weekly shop without thinking "well the gas bill comes out on such a date and is this much, but if I don't pay the phone bill till next week they will just send a stroppy letter so I could get away with that and buy some meat..." I can just look on the balance and budget for the week's cash needs. It has taken so much stress from me, and in fact has really improved my credit rating. DH doesn't mess with the account, and I check the online bank daily, so he behaves himself with spending.

Sad to have to do it, and I was reluctant for ages, but it has made our lives so much easier.

fel1x, yes you're right, I do need to take responsibility too, and it doesn't exactly come natural to me either. But when we've had a grand day out - which has always been his idea - then I'll contribute by looking for internet deals, bringing a picnic etc. If he had it his way he'd pay full whack for everything, eat out and tell everyone to keep the change!

Also fel1x - I've asked him how much he earns and he has never been specific. Just says it's good money.

£1000 a month not a big deal? What planet are you people on? That would cover our (and I suspect most- we're not badly off) living expenses and give us money left over!

My second h was a spendaholic and I personally lost thousands (£50k) bailing him out. He did exactly the same to his second wife ~ approximately the same amount again. He has nothing to show for it or the debt he continues to build up (his wife contacted me).

I personally don't believe they can stop and I'd never get involved with someone like that again. Ever!

whethergirl you MUST take more responsibility - saying "I hope you aren't using your savings" isn't enough. Clearly he was, and clearly you knew he was, so you should have done more to stop him.

If he buys unneccessary gifts then you should have taken them back and got the money and explained that this was ridiculous - why didn't you do that? Again, clearly it was obvious where the money was coming from.

I have seen this situation before, up-close, and if one partner is weak with money, it has to be down to the other partner to take charge. If you know what is happening and let it happen then I am afraid that you are as guilty of frittering the money away as he is.

Although if he won't tell you how much he earns, that would be a dealbreaker I'm afraid.

Then I have to agree with SGB here, whether.

This man is going to wind up beng hard work if you move in with him.

I mean, he's an adult and a father and he's still that shite with money?

I think her assessment is spot on.

FFS, he 'has a problem opening letters'? My 4-year-old tears into the post.

You need to sit down with both of your financial paperwork, sort it all out, create a filing system and work out a budget. Then have household planning meetings once a month.

Do that for six months, then see how you feel. If he is planning to move in with you, and you find any money he is hiding, the deal is off IMO. Fine for him to have his own money, but to hide it (or just not tell you how much it is) is NOT ON.

winnybella - well he told me he had the 12K less than a year ago!

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass - he is very helpful, always does his bit and a real gent. I won't be splitting up with over this! I just don't know if I can commit to a future which will involve finances. He is very kind, caring, thoughtful, attentive, amazing with my ds, etc.

FindingMyMojo, you completely understand how I feel! However, we don't have kids together. (we have our own). He does want us to live together, it's all he has gone on about for a year - (and it was his idea) but actions speak louder than words. He is just a very unpractical, unrealistic person and sweeps things under the carpet.

Exactly, solo. This man sounds super immature. Why on Earth sign yourself up for a lifetime of babysitting a man-boy?

the 12k wouldn't worry me to the point where i'd advise backing away from this man. but the fact he won't even open letters? he's no idea of what bills are coming in until they're so serious he is forced to confront things? massive, massive alarm bells

if he won't take responsibility for himself now, how is he going to form a solid half of the partnership with you? love is more than following your heart - you need someone who will SHARE his/her life with you, and support you through thick and thin.

this man sounds like he would just be an emotional vampire who could quite possibly end up leaving you and your son destitude - and your son needs to come before him in this. it's your financial security at risk here! sorry.

I used to be rubbish with money, until I had the kids. Now I am still rubbish, but there are things I don't mess with, and I expect the same from DH. Once you have kids (whether they are biologically yours or not) you need to act like an adult with money.

Actually, SGB never suggested splitting with him.

Just not moving in with him and/or doing financial commitments together.

And I agree.

EvilEyeButterPie - thinkbanking looks great, thanks for that. If we do live together then I think that will be the way forward. As I said before, I don't have a good grasp of financial matters myself. In fact I thought I was terrible with money before I met him!

If someone buys me a present, or spends money on me, then how is it my responsibility or my worry whether they can afford it or not? I guess I just assumed he had it all under control. I didn't know at the time he coudln't afford it, it's just become plain obvious now.

KickButtowski - I treated him like an adult. I'm not one to control boyfriends and work out there every move. Like others have said - I don't want to have to babysit him. He is a father and an adult. He needs to learn how to take care of his family, which he does in every other way but, unfortunately, money is important. We want a home together because we want to live like a family - all great sentiments, but it requires MONEY.

He sounds quite a weak character to be honest, and not able to take responsibility.

He likes spending money and being generous and popular but can't cope with his job, opening letters or budgeting, and when asked direct questions he fudges the issue and is evasive?

I agree with those who say if you do stay with him you will be in for a very precarious financial future. My brother likes throwing his money around, he is many thousands of pounds in debt, he has no pension provision, will never be able to retire and when he dies he will leave only debts for his wife and children. This is not a good place to be.

Being generous is lovely, till you run out of money.

Basically he is sacrificing his children's future by buying lots of stuff now.

How long would it take to have SAVED £12,000 between the pair of you?
How many years of working and saving has he just blown away with nothing really to show for it?

I know someone who blew over a million pounds of inheritance in less than 5 years and now lives in a tiny bungalow and scraping by and is drinking himself to death. What a complete waste.

being secretative about his salary rings alarm bells for me, and really spending 12K on days out and takeaways does not sound right. Does he tell fibs about other things? It seems to me he has a problem with the truth and being honest with you. proceed with caution, sorry.

Thanks to everyone for posting btw, really helpful comments. I might even show him this thread.

Also you mention a drinking problem, but imply it is in the past. Drink problems do not easily go away. Is it possible he is spending a lot of money on alcohol? Very common for alcoholics to have money problems and avoid opening letters, IME.

If he is signed off work with stress it could be that his employers don't pay above SSP and he has had to live on some of the money. Also if you move in with him he might end up stressed again and you will have a problem putting food on the table.

Just carry on dating and don't make any comittment atm. He might not seem quite so generous/exciting etc now that they money has dried up and you will get to know him better.

Well OP... he sounds just like my DH was. People who say you cannot change are wrong. My DH is tighter than a duck's arse now!

However, we have NEVER had joint accounts and never will.

Yes Miggsie - I think that's it, it's the whole attitude I find so offputting. Also sometimes, he says things and doesn't follow though. I don't mind because he does a lot, but it's just the habit of saying something so easily without thinking it through. Small example - he told my ds the night before that they were going to let me have a lie in and give me breakfast in bed, and ds was all excited about it. It didn't happen, and I honestly don't care about the lie in or breakfast. But don't plan something esp with a child and not follow it through. He means it at the time, and he will do really lovely thoughtful things at the spur of the moment at other times. I've very careful about what I tell my ds, unless I'm 100% sure it's "We MIGHT go to the park, IF we have time".

A bit off the point, but just the whole irresponsible attitude theme coming through, and saying/doing things withtout thinking it through.