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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be annoyed with dp for blowing £12k?

154 replies

whethergirl · 16/11/2010 09:54

DP is just so irresponsible with finances and I'm not exactly a whizz at this sort of stuff myself but have more respect towards money.

We are trying to make plans to live together. He inherited a house out in the country and also about £20k. He spent some of that before I met him and had 12k left. The idea is to sell his house, and together with his savings, put it towards a new home together.

He has problems opening letters. So he has piles of unopened letters at his place, which I've offered to help with. As a result, he has bills/arrears that he is unaware of until it gets serious.

He is very generous and doesn't care much about money but is, I feel, silly with money. Just splashes it about without thinking. I've even felt annoyed when he's bought me unnecessary presents that I won't even use.

He has now just told me that he doesn't have the 12k anymore. He has never told me he's been spending that money. It's all gone on takeaways, nights out (with me), taking our kids out, eating out, guitars, books, etc. I have made comments before, like "Are you sure you can afford this?" and telling him we don't need to get a takeaway every week and it doesn't feel like a treat when we do.

He has basically spent it on having a good time and ignoring bills, most of it with me, but I told him that's not my responsibilty and he shouldn't have been spending his savings.

I'm angry because that money was for our future. I told him it's his money and ultimately he can do what he wants. But that I can't plan a future with him if he is going to be this irresponsible with money. I'm not saying I would end our relationship because of it, (I love him). But I've lived with a boyfriend who was irresponsible with money before, and it also becomes my headache and I end up even worse off than if I was on my own.

He's really upset that I'm annoyed with him. Am I being too harsh?

OP posts:
whethergirl · 20/11/2010 00:55

No soggy14, I really wasn't aware, I just thought his earnings were good enough to cover it. However I was aware that he was very spend easy and didn't encourage it.

Not sure what I said before, but my previous partner was much worse with money because not only was he lazy enough to not get a proper job, he would depend on me financially and I ended up forking out for mostly everything (feel so stupid writing that - it was long ago before having ds).

I'm not just being defensive, I'm really not the type that is materialistically high maintenance at all. I love cooking and refused the take aways a few times because it didn't feel like a treat when we were doing it so regular.

OP posts:
whethergirl · 20/11/2010 01:07

He is the LEAST abusive person. In the whole time I've known him, his recent texts which were a hurt reaction to my email is the only time he's ever been in any way disagreeable towards me. To be honest I think he misunderstood a lot of my email and we need to talk through it which we've agreed to do face to face.

It appears the financial mess he is in is bigger than ever. But he has finally started sorting it out over the last couple of days.

I guess he is very romantic in his thinking whereas I'm a bit more practical. I know he supports me 100% whatsover in anyway and in anything I say or do. Which of course sometimes is not always right but I think it's his way of showing his love.

If I became a junkie, lost all my limbs, sight and hearing in an accident, and became skitzophrenic he would STILL be there, to help me through it and support me.

OP posts:
SuchProspects · 20/11/2010 15:13

There is nothing romantic about lack of impulse control, wilful ignorance or self delusion - which is what he's engaging in. It sounds a little as though he may have problems feeling loved or showing love. Treating people to material gifts and promises he doesn't follow through on as a way to "buy" love and friendship is not really generous or romantic, it's lazy and self-centred at best, quite possibly manipulative and narcistic.

You already know you shouldn't join your financial well-being to his until he has this under control. You shouldn't give up secure housing to move in with someone who isn't financially responsible - it puts your family at risk of homelessness.

I think you're selling yourself short but if you really can't give up on the guy, tell him he needs to get counciling before you can move in together - he needs to understand why he would jeopardise your future for takeaways and frittering, what is the root of all his impulse control issues and how can he manage those tendancies better He also needs to learn how to create and stick to a budget. And if you aren't great with money you should join him for the second part too. It would be a great Christmas present for your family.

Good luck.

AnyFucker · 21/11/2010 19:32

Not much more to say, really

Even though you obviously thought there was a problem, otherwise you wouldn't have posted, you have now convinced yourself he is the man for you, and is some sort of slightly-damaged saint

He is going to "help and support" you through to financial ruin, and you are going to be grateful (and take your kids along for the "ride" too...)

Sorted

Best of luck to you, though...

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