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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be annoyed with dp for blowing £12k?

154 replies

whethergirl · 16/11/2010 09:54

DP is just so irresponsible with finances and I'm not exactly a whizz at this sort of stuff myself but have more respect towards money.

We are trying to make plans to live together. He inherited a house out in the country and also about £20k. He spent some of that before I met him and had 12k left. The idea is to sell his house, and together with his savings, put it towards a new home together.

He has problems opening letters. So he has piles of unopened letters at his place, which I've offered to help with. As a result, he has bills/arrears that he is unaware of until it gets serious.

He is very generous and doesn't care much about money but is, I feel, silly with money. Just splashes it about without thinking. I've even felt annoyed when he's bought me unnecessary presents that I won't even use.

He has now just told me that he doesn't have the 12k anymore. He has never told me he's been spending that money. It's all gone on takeaways, nights out (with me), taking our kids out, eating out, guitars, books, etc. I have made comments before, like "Are you sure you can afford this?" and telling him we don't need to get a takeaway every week and it doesn't feel like a treat when we do.

He has basically spent it on having a good time and ignoring bills, most of it with me, but I told him that's not my responsibilty and he shouldn't have been spending his savings.

I'm angry because that money was for our future. I told him it's his money and ultimately he can do what he wants. But that I can't plan a future with him if he is going to be this irresponsible with money. I'm not saying I would end our relationship because of it, (I love him). But I've lived with a boyfriend who was irresponsible with money before, and it also becomes my headache and I end up even worse off than if I was on my own.

He's really upset that I'm annoyed with him. Am I being too harsh?

OP posts:
portaloo · 16/11/2010 23:12

Does he spend alot of his money supporting his children?

I might have missed some of this thread, so apologies if I have, but do his children live in his house with him? If they do, where is their mum in all this? I only ask because he sounds a tad irresponsible with money to be supporting children on his own.

whethergirl · 16/11/2010 23:35

portaloo - his eldest is 21 and supports himself. His youngest is 9 and lives with her mum - he pays regular child maintenance.

Actually, come to think of it, I remember him telling me that during their marriage, she was the one who was a shopaholic and ended up in massive credit card debts.

OP posts:
maktaitai · 16/11/2010 23:58

God. My dad is 79 and just like this with money, esp the promises of the glittering future which turn out to be dross. Sadly I knew aged 11 that i couldn't believe a word he said, and that went double for anything financial.

The thing is, even if you carry on seeing him but keep finances/homes separate, what if he becomes totally bankrupt and loses everything? What about his children? You are going to feel for them, when their life chances are totally fucked because he's lost his house and perhaps even his job, or has no pension, and they are working all hours to pay his care home fees, you are going to want to help them.

I would say, either go in 100% and take on all financial responsibility, or break up 100% and don't see him any more.

whethergirl · 17/11/2010 00:10

maktaitai - interesting you say about your dad not keeping his promises, just like my dp, in the joy of the moment he'll promise away (even small things) which I know at the time may not be possible (due to time, money, situation, weather, sheer practicallity WHATEVER). I met him on an online dating site, and I remember the after emailing for a while, he was supposed to call me at a set time/date. When he didn't call, alarm bells rang even then. I thought, he's all over me in his emails, this is our first phone call, it's IMPORTANT, and he let me down.

Having said that, he does do a lot for me and the kids. He is just not very practical, or doesn't think things through.

OP posts:
whethergirl · 17/11/2010 00:12

For me to take on all financial responsibility, is a bit like saying that I'll do all the housework. Why should I? I don't particularly find it easy to be financially responsible myself, it's a constant effort. It should be joint responsibility with mutual support.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 17/11/2010 00:48

He's 50 ?

Bloody hell, he's never going to change!

No matter how lovely he is in other ways, he's irresponsible/childish and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him - to have a life together...

whethergirl · 17/11/2010 19:57

Well I asked him if I could be completely honest with him, he said yes, and I wrote him a long email telling him that his being irresponsible alarmed me and caused me to really think about things. I told him we should take a step back, carry on dating but stop with all the grand future plans. I said we were getting ahead of ourselves anyway because we haven't even been together a year. And that although I love him, in the short time I've known him his had drink problems, depression resulting in him not being able to open letters, go to work or lead a normal life for 2 months, and now he's blown 12K which was supposed to be for our future.

He didn't like my "brutal" email and was hurt, confused and upset by it. Some time later he agreed he needed to address the issues and make it right. Then he text again
getting nasty, even with gold digger type accusations. Sad

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 17/11/2010 20:10

Oh - that's a bit of a measure of the man isn't it!

Do you have any financial ties with him?

ChippingIn · 17/11/2010 20:11

Sounds like he's been drinking... what do you think?

mjinhiding · 17/11/2010 20:13

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wb · 17/11/2010 20:26

Your OP rang slight alarm bells for me. Following your last post they are ringing ever so loud and clear.

Run away. Or, if you don't think things have got to that stage yet, please, please do as you've described and keep things how they are and see what changes over the next 12 months.

Spot on, I reckon.

whethergirl · 17/11/2010 20:39

No, ChippinIn, I have no financial ties with him. However drinking is a possibility. Yeh I think so.

mjinhiding - thing is he is really good with my ds and ds thinks the world of him. And the good side is...he is thoughtful, considerate, kind, supportive. We get on well, have a laugh, share same beleifs and interests. And - this might sound not quite right but - how likely is it that I'm going to meet someone else like that, happy to take on me and ds?

Be completely honest, after the above description, would you still run away in my situation? I'm not ever going to meet someone who is perfect in all areas of life am I?

OP posts:
whethergirl · 17/11/2010 20:43

Wow, can't beleive so many people have used the phrase "run away". wb - I guess I ignored a few alarm bells in the beginning. For eg. He asked to marry me within 2 months of dating and also said if it wasn't for me, the depression would have killed him. Am I right in thinking this is unhealthy emotional behaviour?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 17/11/2010 20:43

whethergirl - I do understand where you are coming from - it's scary thinking you might not meet anyone else and he does have quite a few redeeming features...

BUT

I would still run - he's 50, completely irresponsible, an alcoholic who is abusive when he drinks... he is not someone I would want to grow old with and he's certainly not he the bloke I would want in a father role with my son. No way.

(Nothing wrong with being 50 - just that if he hasn't grown out of this behaviour by now, he never will)

mjinhiding · 17/11/2010 20:44

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mjinhiding · 17/11/2010 20:45

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whethergirl · 17/11/2010 20:48

TBH ChippinIn, that's the first time he's ever been nasty to me and got over his alcoholic phase considers for a moment whether I'm being one of those pathetic girls who stick up for their pathetic dp's

It's very important to me to have a good father role for my ds. I don't expect a perfect one though.

OP posts:
KarenHL · 17/11/2010 20:49

If this was my DH, I'd be livid (but only 'cause we're so skint).

Something that helped us was a book called The Money Secret, by Rob Parsons. We got our copy through a Cardiff-based charity, Care for the Family. At the time I couldn't even afford the book, so they let me have it for free and I paid them back a few months later. I think parts of the Money Secret are also available free online, especially the budget calculators that help work out exactly what is going where.

If he is willing to face that he might have an issue with finances, it's worth calling the CCCS - they give free advice, and I believe their funding comes from credit card companies etc, so if majorly unstuck they do have a little influence.

whethergirl · 17/11/2010 20:58

KarenHL - I've just looked up that book, it looks really good. Is it soley intended for people in debt or can anyone benefit from it?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 17/11/2010 21:03

Nope - you are right - you wont get a perfect role model for DS - they don't exist :) However, I think you can do better than one who has a drink problem, who lies, who fritters away a lot of money, who does not understand that £12,000 is an amount you can do something useful with - not waste, who gambles with your future & who has depression to a degree where he wont open mail and can't go to work.

I was in a relationship with someone similar - thankfully there weren't any children involved. We were together a year but I decided that as much as I loved him (and I did, despite his problems), he could never be the man I wanted him to be and I would always have to be the sensible one, the one in charge, the one looking after him and it scared me that he wouldn't be the Dad I would want him to be if we had kids... anyway, that's my story not yours, but it's really just to let you know that I know it's not easy to leave someone like that when they have so many good qualities as well - but I'm glad I did.

whethergirl · 17/11/2010 22:42

Thanks ChippinIn, useful to hear from someone who's been through similiar.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/11/2010 07:26

OP...you would be very foolish indeed to carry on seeing this man as any part of your future

I also think it would be irresponsible to believe a word he says

I knew he would have asked you to marry him very quickly and display stifling emotional pressure like "I would be dead without you"

And yes, you are making excuses for him

being nice to your kids and the odd overly-romantic gesture that actually means fuck-all does not make up for that

this is a classic case of at look at the actions, not the words

do you think no other man would be interested...so you will put up with a flakey fuckwit ?

think again

and I think his latest communication is a taste of your future with him...when someone tells you how they are... listen

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 18/11/2010 21:15

FFS being single is far better than being in a relatinship like this! You are going to end up carrying him and being his 'mum' till he drinks himself to death. And sooner or later he will probably become abusive, because he is utterly immature and a complete loser. People like this are often very charming, but you can't trust or rely on them. The fact that he's getting stroppy when you have pointed out that you are uneasy about tying yourself to him when he's this irresponsible suggests very much that he is expecting you to look after him in return for being 'loved'. And also, if you did take charge of the money, you would end up being accused of spoiling his fun, having 'gone cold and hard', being a bitch etc...

AnyFucker · 18/11/2010 21:17

he already has become abusive, IMO

one strike...you are fucking out, mate

soggy14 · 18/11/2010 22:09

wethergirl if he spent the moey with you then weren't you aware that he was spending it? You say that you had a previous partner who was similar - maybe you are making them both feel that they need to create some kind of takeaway/nights out lifestyle for you. If you want him to be more frugal then maybe start to suggest that you both stay in, cook etc.

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