to be annoyed with dp for blowing £12k?

[whethergirl]

DP is just so irresponsible with finances and I'm not exactly a whizz at this sort of stuff myself but have more respect towards money.

We are trying to make plans to live together. He inherited a house out in the country and also about £20k. He spent some of that before I met him and had 12k left. The idea is to sell his house, and together with his savings, put it towards a new home together.

He has problems opening letters. So he has piles of unopened letters at his place, which I've offered to help with. As a result, he has bills/arrears that he is unaware of until it gets serious.

He is very generous and doesn't care much about money but is, I feel, silly with money. Just splashes it about without thinking. I've even felt annoyed when he's bought me unnecessary presents that I won't even use.

He has now just told me that he doesn't have the 12k anymore. He has never told me he's been spending that money. It's all gone on takeaways, nights out (with me), taking our kids out, eating out, guitars, books, etc. I have made comments before, like "Are you sure you can afford this?" and telling him we don't need to get a takeaway every week and it doesn't feel like a treat when we do.

He has basically spent it on having a good time and ignoring bills, most of it with me, but I told him that's not my responsibilty and he shouldn't have been spending his savings.

I'm angry because that money was for our future. I told him it's his money and ultimately he can do what he wants. But that I can't plan a future with him if he is going to be this irresponsible with money. I'm not saying I would end our relationship because of it, (I love him). But I've lived with a boyfriend who was irresponsible with money before, and it also becomes my headache and I end up even worse off than if I was on my own.

He's really upset that I'm annoyed with him. Am I being too harsh?

Wow I've just looked back through some of the previous posts and have noted he is 50! I thought you were talking about some reckless kid in his 20s! Run as fast as you can!

cap, OP has already said there is no way she will end her relationship with him over this

stalemate

put up, or shut up (and have a life of worry over the whims of a feckless 50 yo)

Well you either throw it back at him and tell him to shape up, with complete transparency with all bills and bank accounts - stick em all up on a noticeboard/spreadsheets etc - with probably a contingency plan in case it goes all tits up

or

you take control of the finances and allocate him cash every month so when it's gone, it's gone.

I have day-to-day control of our finances, he doesn't even know passwords for online a/cs because dh just not that interested although he earns the most and I quite like doing it. On major decisions like mortgages/purchasing of house/car etc then he looks at it with me because he has a very good grasp of maths.

Actually I've been thinking. If he's 50 and facing redundancy, is it fair to assume he hasn't planned for his retirement? So whatever money he has/had would be his primary means of support for him and 2 DCs, for potentially the next 30 years?

And he still blew it? Yeah, walk away time.

he's FIFTY???????? Blimey I was thinking he must be early 20's or so & yet to learn.

Why thank you af

is it just me that finds it v odd to be so involved with someones finances after less than a years dating?

Yes 30andMerkin, he has no retire plans whatsoever. Mind you, I'm I haven't done anything for my retirement either. Although if I'd inherited a house and 20k I would grab the opportunity to invest and do something about it.

Do you really think it's fair to end a realationship over something like this? Or substantial enough? When the actual relationship is good?

Sorry, cooking tea so back and forth trying to catch up...

I have a truly horrible feeling that this man is my delusional XP of 20 years ago. Whethergirl, does his first name begin with W and was he in a punk band in the 70s?

Ooh sparkling, he was in a punk band in the 70's but name doesn't begin with W! However I did have an xp who was in a punk band and did drain me completely of all my finances. Maybe it's punk thing???

Mental note to keep away from Punks

How old are his children?

you can end a relationship because he's the wrong star sign/shoe size, you don't need any "good" reason, wanting to be out of it is good enough, especially if you don't have children together, so there is less to tie you. you don't need anyone's permission to split with him (or anyone else).

My DP has no inheritance and no house in the country = much, much simpler. We waited about 8 years before moving in together and I pay for half of everything.

You can't dictate unless you contribute I'm afraid.

I'm not sure why everyone thinks he's being unreasonable, its his money and his house being sold yet the OP is moving into a property that she will not be contributing too with absolutely no financail impact and he's the selfish one??

Given the relationship is less than a year old and there are children involved its far too soon to be buying together - it may all go pear shaped in the near future.

finances are soooo tied up with every aspect of a couple's life together, then yes, it's a very valid reason to end a relationship

a fuckwit is a fuckwit

he's FIFTY????

this is a basic life skill.

i can understand you not wanting to end things but really he is absolutely not going to change now.

i think you have to ask yourself whether it's better to end things now or later because you cannot have any sort of commitment to this guy. it will end majorly in tears.

he should bloody know what he needs to do to make things right! it's not rocket science.

buy him Alvin Halls book on budgeting.

I could easily spend a thousand pounds a month-especially if I was spending it on other people too.
Personally, I find your 'loss of respect' for him a bit suspect.
It wasn't your money after all. Everyone goes on spending sprees now and again (if they have the money that is)
He still has his house for you anyway

overmydeadbody - his kids are 9 and 21.

anotherbrickinthewall "especially if you don't have children together, so there is less to tie you" - true, but there are kids involved. Even though my ds knows it's not his dad, he really wants him to be his dad and has already become emotionally attached to him.

GMajor7 and HappyMummyOfOne "You can't dictate unless you contribute I'm afraid" well i can if has has made promises invovlving me and my ds future, and I can if it shows his lack of responsibility, and if we live together then I will be contributing. Also I don't intend in being in my current situation forever, I am trying to build up a business. I'm no gold digger. And yes, I do think it's selfish, if you have a family, and he does call us his family, that you are flippant with your responsibilities. Yes it's his money, but then don't say "I've got this money to put towards us having a family home together" and then spend it.

Also I realise now it's probably too soon to be moving in together. I guess we spoke about it (he initiated) because of his age and also just as a practical soloution so that we could see more of each other. He has also asked me to marry him. I'm looking to settle down with someone now, to have a partner while my ds is still young so that he can grow up in a family environment.

mrsruffallo - I guess it's the attitude I have lack of respect for. The fact he's blown his mothers life savings, and when he's got own kids to think of - never mind us. It's his immmature attitude of - I'll just enjoy the moment and ignore the problems and see what happens. I know he still has his house, but it's out in the sticks and I don't think worth as much as makes out. Also, selling/buying property is a responsible task - one that requires you to open letters, face problems, and look after money - all of which he can't do.

SkyBluePearl - just looked up Alvin Halls, like the sound of these books, will even get one for myself. Do you know the exact title of the one you were referring to as there are quite a few similiar?

mrsruffallo - just to clarify, I have a spending spree personality! I have to really curb my tendancies though, esp since having ds. And have made desicions based on it, for eg, I have never got a credit card, because I know it'll be the end of me.

And yes, it's true, I told him it's his money and he can do what he wants at the end of the day. He just shouldn't be making promises, that extra £12k could have made the difference between having a garden for the family to enjoy, or an extra bedroom for when his dd comes to stay. He shouldn't have kept it from me that he was spending it or keep saying he's got the 12k. And he can have his spending sprees now, but when we live together, HIS spending sprees will affect ME too.

Do you really think it's fair to end a realationship over something like this? Or substantial enough?

Absolutely 100%. My H and I were poor as poor can be when we met (as students, both from working class families where the idea of parents paying anything or letting offspring stay in the family home was totally alien, and a good life lesson).

IMHO the financial responsibility that one takes in a relationship says a lot about a person, and their respect towards the other person. I'd run a mile from a guy earning 100k a year who fritters money away needed to build a future together and take the guy next to him earning 12k a year who uses his head and cash to ensure our family unit isn't at risk. I'm not talking about putting every penny you have into a pension/mortgage and living on the breadline, but I am talking about ensuring your loved ones don't have to worry about where the next week's shopping bill is coming from, especially if it's a relatively meagre food bill. and in the OP's case, it doesn't sound like she's been extravagantly accepting diamond rings and mink coats in the last year. just every day living costs - if he can't cope with that, can't face opening letters.... what is going to change this guy at 50 years old?

clearly having children, or having a long-term relationship with their mother, perhaps even married, hasn't changed him

would i cast my child's financial security along in with his? would i hell. i'd run up 10 mountains than see my child suffer because i'd decided to risk our security after seeing these warning bells so soon into the relationship.

it's not about him not having the money, it's not about the fact that 12k is hardly a million quid, it's about what it says about his ability to face up to adult responsibilities and make certain on the promises he's made to others.

frgr - well said and I know it's all true which is why it's affected me so much. And I do wonder if these issues came up in his previous marriage, they MUST have done.

It does say a lot about him. I can't really move in with a man and let him father my child when he just sticks his head in the sand over his responsiblilties.