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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not replace something that i havent seen

490 replies

Ray81 · 15/11/2010 09:26

We went on holiday back in August and my sister who is 18 looked after my house.
She had a party which she didnt ask to have and evidently one of her friends left a Ipod docking station here.

She asked me for it last week and i told her there was nothing like that in my house (although didnt know what i was looking for tbh). Now i had a real blitz when i got back from hols and was alittle worried i had thrown it out by mistake, i do tend to just go into auto pilot when clearing out. I said to her perhaps i had and thinking it would be £20 or so that i would replace it. I only said that because i couldnt be sure i hadnt thrown it away ifswim. Well she has come back to me saying it is £350 and showing me what it looked like. I havent seen it and have looked ALL over my house.

I havent got that amount of money and i dont think i should replace something that for one i honestly cannot remember seeing and 2 that wasnt my responsibility in the first place.

So AIBU to say NO i am not replacing it. surely if something is that expensive you shouldnt even take it out of your own home and be that careless with it. Whats to say he hasnt left it somewhere else and my house was the last time he could remember seeing it.

OP posts:
dittany · 27/11/2010 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cherrybea · 27/11/2010 12:56

Ray just skimmed the thread but read all of your posts and just wanted to add how proud I am of you for standing up to your family like that. My family are similar to yours in that I feel like I don't fit, though it's not to that extreme. Just feel really :( for you and your dh, moving sounds like a great idea, wish I had the balls (and the money). Hope it all gets sorted out soon for you.

youtalkingtome · 27/11/2010 13:06

Oh well done, bravo!

Sometimes you really do have to draw a line in the sand and you've done it.

If ever you feel like you wished you'd just replaced it for a quiet life, just remember they would have just got worse and worse (if that be possible) and your self-respect would have been chipped further and further away.

Careybliss · 27/11/2010 13:28

I've read through this and can't believe how badly your family are treating you. I imagine you've always been at the bottom of the pecking order in the family as that is usually how it goes, by changing something ie. standing up for yourself the dynamic within the family will have to change. I think you've done the best thing to walk away for a long while/permanently as they will continue to abuse you otherwise. Just remember when you feel sad about the situation or feel you are missing them that in reality you are probably just mourning the family that they could have been (not the one that you in fact have). Good luck with the move and I hope that you find some peace in the future as you deserve it.

jessiealbright · 27/11/2010 13:34

Well done Ray!

If the dock ever existed, you're doing your sister a favour. She'll learn the value of money if she has to replace it herself. I mean, look, she's already having to cancel her phone contract to pay for it! How responsible of her!

Sounds a bit as if your mother is a bit unhappy about the lies she's become involved in. Once you've moved, you might get an apology from her.

LIZS · 27/11/2010 13:49

Good email . Hope that is the last of it.

bintofbohemia · 27/11/2010 14:04

Excellent dignified response. Well done.

(What a nasty little mare she is!)

bitingfairy · 27/11/2010 14:44

Have just skimmed the thread - sounds like you've had a lot of unreasonable crap to deal with from the people you should be able to trust. Your letter sounds like a measured response, not hysterical or vitriolic and I think it's great you've cancelled the phone contract (well, told them it's lost!)

I don't think it was unreasonable of you to have trusted your Dsis originally. It sounds like she's been able to be responsible before and why would you have thought this was any different? You are right that your trust was abused, badly, and you've learnt very clearly where your family stand with regard to loyalty. So sad you feel you have to move house and leave the area, but maybe a clean break will help.

StayFrosty · 27/11/2010 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ray81 · 27/11/2010 17:02

Youtalkingtome - that comment re replacing it for an easy life realy hits a cord because if it hadnt been for MN i probably would have done, i will have to admitt i did consider it because i realy felt sorry for her for a while, even went so far as to look on ebay. Then i though NO if i do they will take that as an admission it was in my house when i got home and it bloody wasnt.

To everyone else it is so nice to know that it isnt me that is in the wrong because they always twist things to make me feel like it is me in the wrong ifswim. I think without the support of MN and a couple of RL close friends i would realy have broken down about long before now. Fell quite Sad today but i know that is like careybliss has said i am mourning for the family they should ahve been not the family they are.

OP posts:
redredruby · 27/11/2010 18:33

Hi Ray, I just wanted to add my support to this thread - your family have behaved terribly and you should be really proud of how you have responded. Well done! Grin

It is completely understandable that you are now feeling so sad because they have shown how awful they truly are, which is always hard to accept when it is someone you care about, but remember that their behaviour is not a reflection upon you but on them...if you weren't there I am sure they would find someone else to bully - some group dynamics can only function if there is an individual for the rest of the group to pick on.

granted · 27/11/2010 18:36

YANBU.

What a nerve! Tell them where to get off - that's just trying to take you for a fool.

thisiswhataluv · 27/11/2010 18:55

if i left something worth £350 at someones house id move heaven and earth t get it back asap not 3-4 month later Hmm

TheCrackFox · 27/11/2010 19:06

Did you manage to cancel the contract today?

LittleMissHissyFit · 27/11/2010 19:47

Well done Ray! You did the right thing!

Happy house hunting!!

Summerbird73 · 27/11/2010 20:36

Ray just wanted to join the crowd and say well done, but most of all you HAVE to stay strong.

your family over the next few days are going to try and crack you and make you back down from your email. it will be hard for you but you have done the right thing so please stay strong.

well done again

Summerbird73 · 27/11/2010 20:38

ps - i kinda feel Sad for your 10yo Dsis, so do keep her in your loop if you can. she will be so confused

BerylStreep · 27/11/2010 21:00

I agree with Stayfrosty, I wouldn't respond to any communication at all. No yawns etc, just nothing.

Any communication from them is trying to extract a reaction, no matter how small. Don't give in.

You have made the first move in standing up to your family, and distancing yourself from the abuse, but I'm sure you can probably think of nothing else at the moment, so you probably have some way to go in terms of removing yourself emotionally. It will take time, but as others have said, you'll get there.

DanceInTheDark · 27/11/2010 21:22

It's taken me over an hour to catch up where i had left it before!

Well done Ray. you have done the right thing.

Re the birds - did you actually see dead birds? or could they have escaped somehow?

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/11/2010 21:26

Well done Ray. Not only do I applaud your strength and bravery, I actually gave you a standing ovation. Yes, I really did stand up in my living room and clap you.

I am so sorry that your family are like this and for your feelings of loss, like you say, you are mourning for the family you should have had. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Hugs.

bessie26 · 27/11/2010 21:48

Ray I've only just seen this thread, have just gone through & read your posts - I am so sad to hear that your own family have treated you so badly, but am so very very pleased that you have stood up to them - you should be very proud of yourself! It's a shame you feel you have to move away, but it sounds like it will be a good clean break away from them.

Don't reply to your sister - in fact, don't respond to any of them - screen your calls, or send everything to answerphone - if you think you might cave in, it is possible to get certain numbers barred (not sure how much this costs tho)

Good luck for the future!

tallwivglasses · 27/11/2010 22:06

I've been lurking over the last 19 pages. Bloody hell, Ray. You've done brilliantly.

Maybe spend a little bit of time grieving for the family you never had - and a lot of time celebrating the lovely family you have now Smile

(and friends on mn)

Anniegetyourgun · 27/11/2010 22:11

I bet your excellent DH is waving the flags at this point that you've finally seen the toxic tribe for what they are. He can now support you properly against being treated like crap. Not that they'll get much opportunity from now on!

CheerfulYank · 27/11/2010 22:24

I'm so proud of you! You are in the right, they're not. Good for you!

onmyfeet · 28/11/2010 01:17

Well done.