I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

I do feel compassion for the OP, but I also feel horrified at the thought that my parents could have felt entitled to return my little brother if they had found it hard work to bond with him, whereas they would have been forced to keep trying with me just because I was their biological child. It just doesn't make sense to me- and it wouldn't to my mum and dad either.

victoriascrumptious - I think you should read the OP's latest postings. It appears you haven't so far.

oh dear, i thought the question was to bond with the baby and the sudden rush of love some people say you must have. i had no idea of what adopting involves, thanks for the info kristina, it sounds like a horrible thing to do to loving people willing to give a nice home to a child, tbh, it must make you feel so bad....

i truly don't know what say then, op.

Kristina and Kew -Thank you!!!!!

Says it all, really. And then of course there's the small matter of after adoption SW's. I've had two really bad ones. I mean bad. Two amzing ones to make up though :)

So you've got your adoption order, and finally legal security.

But then the SW's supposed to be helping you with behavior issues and your child's special and/or behavioral needs ask you 'have you tried a sticker chart?' ( for everyone's information a) sticker charts generally don't work where adoptees from foster care are concerned, neither does a lot of classic supernanny stuff like naughty step AND THE SW'S SHOULD KNOW THAT and b) uh, don't you think that's been tried already by her former adoptive parents who disruptedd and by her FC's? This is why she is in therapy you berks
They also feel free to completely critisize your parenting with abandon even stuff that works and expect you to do stuff that you categorically know will not work. Then they may call serious meetings to discuss your child WITHOUT YOU BEING THERE. And then you panick 'oh my God, why can't I be there? Waht will they say about me? I can't defend myself against anything that isn't true'

If, however everything is going well after adoption with no SW involvement because you aren't experiencing difficulties, you then still have to navigate the ignorance, 'oh, maybe now you have xxx you can relax and that will help you concieve you OWN child'

Oh and then you may find that your child's first parents have a facebook account with almost no security settings, and are friends with known sex offenders etc, and their facebook page is basically soft porn, adn tehy've put pictures of your child up there for all the other sex offenders to see. ANd you can bet they've written your child's birth name in full as well. Then you have to contact the SW to try and get the pictures down. If you reprt to facebook yourself then the first parents will find out who you are.

And then you may find that the contact co-ordinator who forwards contact letters between you has stopped the latest letter from bio-mum because she has written 'dear childs first name' heavily underlined and at the end has finished with 'love your REAL and ONLY motehr' again heavily underlined. Ouch

And then when yourc hild has abuse related issues people unhelpfully and totally wrongly assert that all children are the same so just do this and this like they do and everythig will be fine. Or they seemt o think that adoption is a magic word that cures the efffects of abuse all on its own- hhmm yeah right

I could go on... NO WAY THE SAME.

I meant childs first name as in 'child's birth name' just to clarify, not childs first name as in christian name

I understand that it is hard, but I really don't think that, apart from the problems with bio-parents obviously, the judginess, nosiness from SWs, difficult behaviour etc has been harder for my parents with an adopted child than for me with two children with chronic health problems- you get very similar crap- yet nobody ever suggests that it would be ok for me to put my biological children into care just because they have chronic health problems (and consequent difficult behaviour, involvement of all sorts of authorities who feel they have the right to judge). In fact, I can't imagine anyone who would not be horrified if I suggested it.

Lilka - wow and and :( at all these things that you have been through - hope it's not still ongoing? The FB thing sounds terrible, the rest no better!

Mind you, your contact co-ordinator sounds like her head is screwed on properly.

cory - I'm no expert but I thought it was quite common for women with PND to beleive that their would be better off with someone else? Its not a stretch of the imagination for me - I was repeatedly told that I didn't have parental responsibility for DS until the Uk final hearing and was visited every 6 weeks for nearly 3 years - it really undermines your burgeoning feelings of being a parent. I didn't feel completely confident of my position as DS's mother until that final hearing. And that was despite the fact that I was totally bonded to him by then.

The first threemonths were so stressful and uncertian and insecure that I lost three stone in three months.

Yes of course it is common for women with PND to feel the child would be better off with someone else. And of course it undermines your confidence. I find the OPs feelings totally valid and understandable.

The bit I find difficult is that other posters advise her to act on those feelings, whereas this would not be considered ok for someone who had the same feelings re a biological child, even if there were serious difficulties with the relationship.

Having grown up in a mixed family (and having also experienced behaviour in a biological child very similar to adoption trauma- but from a different cause), I find this very unsettling.

OP, I think you have been really honest and given a lot of insight into your circumstances.
I think there is plenty I could comment on, but most of it has already been said.
Therefore just to answer the question about loving a child the same as a birth child.

I do !
Although the situation is not the same and the child is not my adopted child. I love her in the same way I do my own DC.
I have 3 DC from birth, but consider myself parent to 4 children.
I know I could care for her and take her into my family with the same amount of love as my other children.
I think about her all the time and feel unconditional love and the need to protect her. I cannot differentiate my feelings for her from that of my own children.

However I am not adopting or fostering her, and she has a family. I am not surrounded by the stress, circumstance, or other factors you are going through.

A bond and an attachment with a child, any child even your birth child, takes time.
When any mother is under stress she questions her own judgement, and how well she parents.
Some days I don?t feel fit to be a mother, when WW3 breaks out in my house, when I let my children down. It gets easier with time.

Loving a child like your own birth children IS possible.
I hope your situation works out for the best, for you, your family and this child.

I'm sorry, I haven't read all of the posts so will probably annoy somebody somewhere along the line but here's my response to the original post. My best friend adopted a 4 year old girl and she said the hardest thing was dealing with the bad emotional days at the start without having the past positive experiences to fall back on when things were really stressful. Basically the lack of unconditional love. Nearly a year later and she will now say she has unconditional love for her little girl. She has never wanted children of her own but has 3 step sons who she loves dearly. I suppose I'm saying that maybe it's worth holding out a little bit longer to see how your feelings develop, although from your post I don't know if that's something you feel you can do?

Kristina M - you're star, you know that, right? GREAT posts, really hope OP sees.

OP, I think you've been wonderfully honest. Good for you!

I'm another who didn't have a rush of maternal love with my biological DS. I felt very protective of him, and I knew abstractly that I loved him, but it wasn't until he was about 4 months old that I loved him. You're a wonderful mother. Just do that best you can, give her lots of snuggles, tell her you love her. You'll do just fine. You can PM me anytime if you'd just like to talk. :)

thumbwitch - The facebook thing has happened a couple of time, once with DD1 and then once again with DD2 (they aren't biologically related, so different people). Luckily SS dealt quickly with it, and now I have a good relationship woth DD2 and DS bio-mum. We write really long chatty letters now and she accepts that i'm mum as well etc, so we get on well. I don't blame her for what happend to DD2, bio-mum was just a pawn being controlled by the men around her really :(

However with DD1 unfortunately, the one contact letter was stopped as mentionned above, and then when DD1 started after nearly 5 years feeling safe with me, she started actually telling me what had happened to her living with them, at which point I stopped even attempting to write to them, far too angry for that Then th FB pictures appeared, along with a long nasty homophobic rant, so I guess she was told I was gay as well! Thanks SS

I do think there are probably still pictures of her on bio-mums facebook but she has strict privacy setings now so i wouldn't know. Sigh.

Would poin out that the FB pictures with DD1 are recent since SS tried to get me to write until quite late on - when DD1 was about 19 the pics appeared

lilka - :( and even more now for you and your DC.

Would like to thank all the adopters for their perspective and honesty on this thread.
Have received over 20 private messages - am blown away by your support and kind words. Will try to get around to replying when I have the strength of mind to do so.

Have been to see GP - feel so much better now that something is happening. He was perturbed by the fact that SS didn?t pick up on my potential depression. I haven?t been diagnosed, but referred, and feel as though something is moving on now.

Am looking at my daughter through new eyes. Am starting to feel happy. She seems happier too - I don?t know if she is picking up on my mood change, or if I am just seeing something I didn?t see before. Either way, the house feels as though a light has been switched on

I can?t tell you all how much good you have done me. All of you who have taken the time to post, and to share. All of you. You are all such good people. You have made a big impact on us.

Thank you all again - will try and keep you posted.

Im glad there is light at the end of the tunnel OP.

wish you all the best.x

Havent time to read whole thread (working!) but glad to hear you have address possible depression with the GP nolove.
I just wanted to add that I think that's one thing you need to remember; as your positivity (lets not say love) shines out, so will your baby's - they are like little mirrors and reflect what they are given. It's an upward spiral; she is more delightful, that makes you happy, she is happy and yet more delightful, etc etc etc
And I think one thing we ALL do when things are bad is to project forward; to say "I don't love her and don't think I ever could"...we can only deal with today - and with kids it's always, IMO, a mistake to project forward; how it is today is nothing to do with how it may be in six months really.
Lots of luck, I'm sure your ability to be honest, open and thoughtful about this will be what enables you to make things better actually!

nolovehere - I haven't PM'd you though I was in a similar situation to you. However - whatever Kristina said on her PM I probably agree with but with less emotion and more pratcical advice! So just imagine it signed "Sue" as well.

No doubt you are swamped at the moment and have better things to do but do come and chat on the adoption threads and feel free to pm me if you want to talk with someone who has been there.

I should add that I was probably in a slightly better place than you at 6 months - ie sure I wasn't going to have a bio family and hadn't considered not keeping DS, but probably my saving grace came around that time when I went back to work. Space away from DS seemed to let me rediscover the person I was before - I didn't really recognise the "pretend" mum I'd morphed into and somehow not seeing him all day and finding drop off at child minder hard seemed to reinforce to me that I felt a great deal more for him than I had accepted until then.

Looking back some of the things I felt and the way I behaved were probably PAD but it just gradually improved and diappeared so I never needed to be treated, SS never considered PAD with me either but then I was always good at putting on a good show for them so it probably hadn't occured to them.

It all seems a bit of a dream now and I can't beleive looking at him now and how proud he makes me feel that I didn't feel the same all teh way along. It feels like it happened to a different person and until threads like this come along and I'm kinda forced to remember it, tbh I really only remember the good stuff!

Cory - sorry I hadn't read your commens in the right way - I see what you mean now.

I havn't read the whole thread sorry but just wanted to say I feel for you and the difficult situation
Your ability to be honest I hope will allow you to work this through to the best conclusion and I'm glad you're feeling brighter.

I wish you and your dd all the best

Having read some more I echo what quint said perhaps try and find some local mother and baby groups
remember no one will know you have adopted her unless you tell them there is no neon light on your forehead!