I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

Sorry just checking I can post.
I haven't had time to read all of the posts but wanted to add that I really do understand the feelings you are having. We also adopted a baby at 8 months and love him to bits. But I do sometimes question if I love him in the 'same way' as if I'd given birth. I had a big issue with having what I can only describe as an 'instinctive' response, I always thought that if you put 20 babies in a room and they cried, that a biological mother would be able to identify which one was their baby immediately. It really bothered me that I wouldn't be able to do that. After we had had our DS for 8 months, we were in a soft play area for a party and I recognised his cry (he was with my DH) from across the room. For some odd reason, I felt so much better.
I think that adopting a baby is different as it does really highlight what you have 'missed out' on, maybe in a way that adopting an older child doesn't. But it made me look at our son and wish that we had had him in our lives earlier, or that I'd given birth to him, as he is just perfect.
This is my first post on MN as I really wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings.

Great to hear your update. I think it is natural for people to be angry, their concern is of course going to be for the child first and foremost, but I do have a lot of empathy for you too. You are clearly trying your very best and even if you had decided you couldn't go ahead with the adoption I know you wouldn't have done so casually and without feeling the impact of that on your DD for the rest of your life.

But I'm so glad you do feel a bond with her. I think you just need to focus on having lots of fun with her and lots of hugs and time together and the love will grow and grow. And do pursue the PADs idea, you could really benefit from more support.

I really wish you the very best and look forward to a post in a few months with lots of positive updates.

Britgirl4, that's a classic example of how motherhood myths are damaging to both birth and adoptive mothers. I also believed that I should be able to recognize the cry of my own baby (who I did give birth to), but couldn't early on and felt terrible about it. I also couldn't distinguish between the different types of cry (tired/hungry/nappy change) and felt that a good mother should, I just heard a loud distressing noise and wanted it to stop.

I think all mothers are subject to these myths, if you are adopting a baby then it must be easy to think it is about that, when as this thread has revealed, many biological mothers also don't feel 'good enough' for so many reasons. This has been a great thread for this reason, as like the OP, I also had few friends with children and so didn't get many benchmarks on what was typical mothering feelings and behaviour.

yy I agree britgirl, and onetoomany

I did not have many "instincts" with my first DC

katkit:

your post was moving. I think it will help the OP

agree onetoomany - I couldn't necessarily tell when it was DS crying!(Still can't always)
Most of his cries were the same - the only ones that were really distinctive for me were the "I'm really scared now" one and the first time he did proper poo after weaning - that was unique to pooing.

:) you should take the "no" out of your name now .
It is obvious that you love her.

thanks JLC...

nomorelove

Your comment:

"It?s not about me, is it? And it never will be again? and this is the 1st time I have seen it that way."

Congratulations dear girl! You just became a mother!

It's THIS realisation that is the key to motherhood, it's this realisation that is the difference between a woman and a woman who is a mother.

This all means that everything will be so much easier for you from now on! You WILL make it, and this is the perfect timing for you to do it!

How moving it has been to see your brief but
emotional roller coaster of a journey!

nolovehere you come across as such a sensitive, deep thinking, intelligent and loving person. The way you have dealt with this thread with such grace today really makes you stand out. You sound extraordinarily qualified to be a mother. But then, Mothers are just women, Fathers are just men, the one thing you really have to do is care. You might be worried about "love", but the ability to "care" you clearly have in abundance.

Best of luck!

nolovehere - I was moved reading your update post and it showed so much more insight into your new life.

My eldest is 18 and my youngest is 3. I have lost count of the amount of times I have doubted my ability as a mother and questioned the choices and decisions I have made on behalf of my children. But I think, with hindsight, that constantly questioning yourself is almost like some kind of "quality control" process to ensure you do make the best choices.

However it is a very unsettling feeling when you become a mum for the first time because it can be mistaken for believing you are not capable. I have never met a mum who has never questioned themselves in one way or another. Despite some very confident, outward appearances a lot of us are not so confident on the inside!

The thought of never seeing my children smile again, hearing their laugh, washing their clothes, running their baths, preparing their food, playing around with them, kissing them as they lay sleeping fills me with the deepest sadness I could ever imagine so with those thoughts in mind I am more than happy to put up with my own doubts and fears on whether I am doing a good job or not.

Give yourself more time, along with the counselling and build up some more memories and experiences with your daughter. I assume you will be planning her first christmas too? Have you given that much thought? I remember buying my 18yr old's "first christmas" bauble and even now I still put it on the tree!!

Nobody has all the answers at being a mother but being a parent does make you grow up rather quickly!

How much counselling did you receive before the adoption love?I have only been working in the adoption team here for about 6 months so very new still,but i think they ask you to complete fertility treatment and then wait 2 yrs before adopting and this is why i suspect.I guess people need time to grieve for their fertiltiy and the child they didnt have in order to love another one.
I think its common to feel this way with anatural child too,i never really bonded with my eldest all that well as was very young but i have done the best i can for him and he is grown up now and ok.
As you say it can only be your decision but as others have said you sound such a great person im sure you will do your best and lovbe for a child is not necessarily all encompassing and intense,it can be subtle and build up slowly. Good luck to you all,i wish i could be more help.

nolove - it's not surprising that you're feelings have come as a shock to you - despite the fact that they are very common in new mums it's not the done thing to talk about it. Many new mums (including myself at first) are very good at keeping up the pretence that they are coping fine. When I went to my first PND support group session there were only 2 other people there and they were 2 of my mum friends! They also knew each other and none of the three of us had any idea that either of the others would be there or that they had PND.
Well done recognising you need help. All I can say is that once you come out the other side it will be worth it. I am glad I had PND in a way - I feel I appreciate my children more cos I can remember when I couldn't bear to pick my LO up. One of my counsellers told me that it usually really good mums who suffer depression because they strive so hard for perfection and over analyse everything so much that nothing ever seems good enough - not even themselves as a mother.
I wish you all the best nolove and I'm certain your story will have a happy ending x

I haven't read the whole thread as its so long,but firstly i wondered why you went through with adoption,feeling as you do that it isn't possible to love a child that isn't from your own body? I have thought over this as i have two biological children and considered fostering.I really do believe that it is possible to love a child that isn't "yours" as much as one that is.I think that sometimes it takes longer though.I have two close friends with adopted children,one friend could not have her own,one took on a stepchild as a newborn.Both children are very much loved and I can't see any difference between them and my own in how they are loved. It does sound as though you are angry at being denied your own biology,and as though you are thinking more of that than the baby you have.You are her mother,and I really hope that in time you really feel as though that is true.

As an adopted person this thread is very upsetting to read. Sometimes I think the best adopters and those that have been adopted themselves. I come from 4 generations of adopted kids I KNOW 100% that blood is not thicker than water and I know 100% that I would see no difference between a biological child of mind and an adopted child.

But hey, I guess that's because i'd see myself in an adopted child the same way that a biological mother would 'see' herself in her biological child.

OP, I am so glad to see your recent posts.

I was posting last night hoping that some part of you would scream out "NO that is not IT" inside your mind. It seems it isnt.

Being a parent IS hard. I second guess myself nearly every day.

You say you dont know many people with children. Maybe you should find some toddler groups to join? Get to know other people with children your age? Check out your local church halls, or in the library, or ask your health visitor. It seems to me you may not to mingle a little bit in "baby and toddler circles"?

My last sentence should of course read:

It seems to me you may need to mingle a little bit in "baby and toddler circles"?

OP you asked 'is it normal' [to feel this way]. I'd say it's normal for people who never had the right mindset to adopt in the first place. There is no more of a magical connection between some baby that dropped out of your fanny compared to one that came from somewhere else

It's what you choose to make it-you CAN change your outlook-I think you're being quite pathetic to be honest.

op

the motherly rush of love you have to feel for your baby is a myth that torments many new mothers,it doesn't quite happen like that, and varies in the baby, and how easy to care for they are, how mauch support you have, how many hours you sleep,...

so i wouldn't worry about it, i think is quite normal to feel overwhelmed with a baby, i have been taking care of my own for six months as well and sometimes is difficult to define 'love'.

go to some mum and baby groups and check the waters, i think you may find that many new mothers feel this way, biological children or not.

i am constantly in the phone to my mum and sisters to validate what i am doing, we all doubt ourselves.

my advise: meet some other mums, talk to a councellor and decide what is best for your family, but remember being a mum is hard, i prefer going to work, i hate my job... you can make a list of prons and cons, to help you see the good parts and the bad ones.

nolove I have been following your thread and just wanted to add my best wishes. Your honesty and bravery concerning your feelings - or lack of - towards this baby, are testament to how seriously you care and how absolutely you are good mother material.

And now that you have come this far, and started to believe that's it ok to have doubts, I just wanted to echo what Karma said. It would be such a tragedy for you to have realised how much you want to keep your baby but fall at the last hurdle because the SS aren't convinced that you are ready.

Good luck with everything. I think you are going to make a brilliant mother

op, not long ago, there was a thread about a woman who didn't feel the rush of love for her 8 weeks old dd, what would you say to her? could you say the same thig to yourself?
hope that helps.

I haven't read the whole thread bbut I just wanted to say (sorry if this point has already been made) - it's pretty natural to have those ind of feelings even when you do give birth.

You don't necessarily feel a rush of love for your own baby, it very often comes with time.

Motherhood is a shock to the system for many of us, no matter how it came about. So it may be best if you can, to just pretend the giving back option isn't there and get on with it (not meant in a harsh way) and see how/if in time that changes your perception.

6 months into a job you still feel like the new girl. give yourself time to adjust, it's a huge change you have gone through.

The OP has said several times that adopting a baby is not the same as giving birth to it and several posters have disputed this. I just wanted to explain a little what is involved in adopting a child in the Uk today. This would be a typical situation for a family who have a child placed for ? fostering with a view to adoption?.

Regular visits from social workers, who are evaluating everything you say and do. Just like a job interview, except that it takes place in your own home, lasts for hours and you have to provide hospitality and care for your baby and other children at the same time. And you have to pretend that you like them and they are your friends.

There will be at least two totally separate workers (your child?s and yours) who will come on different days and times to suit them. Not you or your baby?s routine.

There may be visits with members of the child?s birth family. These probably take place in Sw office, which may be miles from your home. Again they are arranged to suit SWs so you will have to make arrangements for the care of your other children. These are often very traumatic and emotional.

If you are a nice person ( as most adopters are) you are probably also keeping in touch with or visiting the child's foster carers too

There are frequent review meetings, which you have to attend, where everyone will discuss you as if you are not there. They will refer to the baby birth parents as her parents, not you. The child will be called by her birth name, not the name you call her. These may take place in your home (as if it was some social work office).

You may not have authority to take your baby for vaccinations or medical treatment or to health visitor , baby clinics etc, someone else has to sign for these. You may have to take her to different doctors from yours. Again the baby will be known by another name. You will repeatedly have to tell HCPs that you are not the child?s mother.

You probably cannot take your child abroad on holiday, or perhaps even take her swimming.

You are told that you cannot discuss any information about her background with any friends or family members. Of course they are all desperate to know and keep pressing you for information.Biological parenst can choose who and what they share with others

Virtual strangers in the neighbourhood or the supermarket make comments like

? So what do you know about her real parents? ?

? Oh so you did it the easy way!?

? Have you decided to keep her yet??

You are repeatedly warned by social services that you are not her parents and she could be removed at any time. This is true, until an adoption order is granted you have no legal security at all.

You are trained to believe that you must not think of her as yours - she is adopted and therefore different. And as he OP said, you are told you must constantly remind her of this and celebrate her ?difference?.

While biological parents are allowed to moan about sleepless nights, teething or food fads, you are told by everyone that you must be overjoyed after waiting for so long.

To summarise, its very difficult to feel entitled to be a mum. you can all insist as much as you like that its the same as giving birth but truly, ITS NOT.

Imagine all this on top of the usual stresses of being a new mum. Throw in a touch of depression and you too could feel just like the OP. So have a bit of compassion please, some of you .

There but for the grace of God............

Have tried to read most of the thread.

It's probably been mentioned so sorry if I missed it, but do you think your feelings are because it is not you who is infertile? If you knew there was no chance ever of you becoming pg would your heart be in this more? Maybe I'm way off mark but that's what occured to me reading your posts.

Good luck, it cannot be easy.

"There is no more of a magical connection between some baby that dropped out of your fanny compared to one that came from somewhere else" - errr yes there is. That comment showed such a remarkable lack of understanding of what itis like to adopt that I hesistated to even address your misconceptions.

Oxytocin floods the vast majority of women during labour so that when the baby is born there is a "compusion" to bond with the baby. Last time I looked they were giving it out on teh adoption prep courses.

Most women have had a bond with their baby for up to 9 months prior to brith they have nurtured it with their body and feel (rightly or worngly) that the baby they give birth to is not a stranger transported in from another county.

Most women as far as I am aware don't give birth to babies 6 months old or more who may well have had a minimum of two primary carers before you and have established habits, likes, dislikes etc

For those of you who think its so very similar to giving birth - I'd suggest you imagine taking your 1 yr old and giving them to a stranger to care for 24/7, who hasn't had children themselves, lets not be unkind and say forever , lets just say for a week and you can introduce them and write a few pages of instructions if you like. Then tell the stranger that they aren't allowed to say how dificult they find it because they've wanted a child so much for say 8-10 years. Throw in a couple of comments for good measure like "Oh at least you've missed all the difficult bits" then stand back and see how similar it is.

Amazing how prepared some people are to pass judgement on something they haven't experienced.

Just to reiterate in case you missed Kristina's comment...

"you can all insist as much as you like that its the same as giving birth but truly, ITS NOT"