I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

OP motherhood is not what you imagined. It pretty much never is for anyone, but for you the gap includes missing pregnancy, birth and months 1 to 7 plus the more commonplace fantasies about what motherhood and mother love are. I am sure that you can come through this with some good counselling and you should prioritise this.

I fear for you if you return this child. You can never undo that decision and I think it will haunt you. Maybe you will never have another chance at parenthood. If you do have a biological child it may well be even more difficult For you and not easier for you like you assume it will be.

As an aside, this thread is exactly why people shouldn't assume that adoption is the answer to infertility. Adoption takes a long time, an enormous toll on people, doesn't always work out and isn't right for everyone (even some people who would otherwise make good parents).

I went for IVF before adoption because even though I am willing to consider adoption, I knew it was important for me personally to try other routes first before I could properly grieve for my fertility. Some people don't need to do that and I really admire them, just as I admire those who know they can't jump straight to adoption without exploring other avenues.

doihavetocleanthehouse -you say the child trigger the emotions. If no emotions are triggered, what usually happens then?

I wonder if you just need to forget your doubts and live in the moment for a while, even for a few days. Focus on the good bits, how your DD looks up at you and smiles in the morning from her cot, that gorgeous sleeping baby when you tuck her up. Cherish her, even if you don't believe it 100%, and then see if you could possibly live without her. Soon she'll start calling out mummy and there's a chance you'll be hooked.

Please give it a chance. Live in the moment and see how it goes.

Counselling is also a v. good idea.

Good luck..

Does she look very different to you? Is that it? Do you feel that it is hard to imagine she is yours because she has no features similar to you and your dh?

I totally get that reactions and emotions can be unpredictable, but deciding to adopt surely means that you put yourself forward as someone who is able to take responsibility for those feelings and to fulfill your obligation (which is what it is) to the child for whom you care. You surely try to anticipate - including thinking about what really matters when feelings and emotions come up that you didn't expect (in my case, a really strong feeling that I didn't want DD to be an only, as I am - wasn't expecting that). I feel at some level that the OP wants everyone to say that it's ok, and that yes, she should give the baby back.

you explore causation-social,medical,peer/societal expectations.and if safe to support the family unit.the mum and the infant.implement safeguarding if required and family support.ongoing review and family support worker

if she does have impaired mood/judgement this will manifest in her expressed opinions

need to assess is this a true accurate reflection or indicative of a malaise

QS - I don't think this is a case of no emotions being triggered. I think she is ambivalent about her ability to love an adopted child over a birth child.

You can't change how someone perceives their own reality (without counselling or such of course)...for whatever reason she feels she cannot love this child as her own. Whether she can work through that or not is to be seen. No-one is underestimating the impact on the child - it could potentially be devastating for this baby, that is a given.

That is what I thought, doIhaveto.....

drivingmisscrazy - I really get your point and I think most SWs do try to explore this AT LENGTH with all adopters. But I think it sometimes comes down that that battle between head and heart. Intellectually we all know what the "obligation" is, but she is being very honest about how she is really feeling about this child....as tragic as it is, it's how she feels at the present time.

Hi - I just want to share my experience of adoption. Our daughter was placed with us in June, but we have NEVER thought of this as being a trial period - it is for us a period of adjustments.

My life is totally different to how it was six months ago, and I have gone through ups, downs, highs, lows as I have learned to deal with this - as all new parents have to do.

You want to know if people can love adopted children as much as bio children - I would say very much so in my and dh's case.

Our little Pumplet is my world. But the process of loving her has been complex - because love is complex. The first time I met her, I felt a rush of pure infatuation - it was love, but love of the idea of her and the superficial love of her cuteness and beauty. As I have got to know her more, we have fallen deeper and deeper in love - but this is the love that is real and unconditional. This takes time to develop. It will continue to develop and change, and challenge us both.

I suppose I am trying to say that yes, I love my daughter. I don't know if I love her in the same way as I would if I had a birth child because I can't know that.

But as in all relationships there is rough and smooth. Adoption, giving birth, becoming a parent by any means is tough and life changing. We all cope with and deal with and feel it in different ways. I have had days of crying, days of doubting my ability to be the perfect mother, fear that I may not live up to the idealised notion of being a mother, worry that people will judge me when I give her Fruitshoots...

This is parenthood. And I will always find it strange, complex, challenging and difficult, because life is like that.

@ Phipps 17:23 post I am sorry, that sounds awful. I watched a documentary on children in care recently and was in tears for most of it watching failed adoptions and teenagers being moved from foster home to foster home. I cannot imagine feeling unwanted and unloved as a child

doihaveto - I also see your point too: it does sound like she thinks she has made a terrible error, and doesn't know the best way to undo it - precisely because, as someone pointed out, there is no way to undo it now. I would hope that with the proper support that she can work through all of these difficulties - but her fear is clearly that she won't be able to, and that the same scenario will present further down the line.

I suppose I just find it difficult to understand the biological thing: I tried to conceive, it didn't work out, DP did it instead. I was sad about it and had to get my head around the loss of my own fertility - but DD isn't a substitute for my own child, she is my own child achieved by slightly indirect means. In the early days when I was floored by exhaustion and she cried and I couldn't comfort her I wondered if I would be better at it if she was my biological child.

I don't know how different it would be to adopt - but I think DP and I would think of it pretty much the same way - we are both hugely committed as parents to our family, but neither of us is particularly invested in biology. It's that bit that I don't get (and yes, people regularly say that DD has 'my eyes', which she so totally doesn't )

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think you need to give yourself a bit more time- 6 months is not very long. Also, could you be overestimating the way you would feel about a biological child? I love my 2-year-old son but it wasn't instant love and he regularly infuriates me. My dh admits (only to me) that he didn't really love our son until he was over one and able to run around and engage with us more.

I used to wonder how people could love an adopted child until I began working as a childminder. Obviously as a professional you have to keep something of yourself back, but I definitely love one of the children I look after. I've spent 50hours a week with her for over a year and she has a special place in my heart. I recently started looking after another child for half the hours and don't yet have quite the same bond with him, but I expect it will come as I get to know him.

So please give yourself more time.

driving I think that is the point, you made that connection, the biological thing is not a big deal for you....maybe OP thought it wasn't for her either. Maybe she really thought she had resolved those issues, until a child joined her family that was not her birth child....and it all came crashing down on her.

I am sorry if I am coming across as being negative in terms of her love for this child who is an adopted child. I wholeheartedly feel that you can love an adopted child as much as a birth child, I see it every day and it inspires me a great deal....BUT this woman is struggling with it a great deal.

Just as you have claimed your child, the OP needs to get her head around the concept of adoption as a way to parent.

All I want to add is that I didn't love my 2nd birth child until she was 13 months old.

Sometimes it takes that long when you've carried them and given birth too.

I've read 15 pages.
Op you have no choice but to love this child. Your life and her life will be ruined if you don't.
I don't think you'll be storing up good karma for yourself if you go ahead and put her back into the care system.
I agree with other posters who said if you can't love and care and keep this child then why should you get another chance?
If you give her back then you should forget being a Mum altogether.
Please love her and keep her safe. You will grow to feel it in the future.

Just wondering if the OP conceives a child with another mans sperm so not her husbands biological child, and he does not feel he can love it how would she feel? Or if her biological child is born disabled who she gives it back too then? Also if the OP has a step son surly her husband is not totally unable to father a child.
I wonder how he feels about dumping this poor little girl?

I gave to say, the more I think about this thread, the more I'm a little . I simply don't believe that a social worker, knowing a couple is TTC before adoption is complete, would allow this to go ahead.

Either OP is being less than truthful with her SW, or with us.
I hope it's with us. I hope the little baby girl in my imagination doesn't exist.

(have, not gave!)

I've been thinking about my friend who has had IVF several times with no luck. She is now deciding whether to go for adoption or move on.

OP, IVF may not work, even if you have money for lots of attempts. I don't know your age (apologies if I've missed it), but the success rates go down to around 10% over 40 and even getting pregnant doesn't always turn into giving birth :(. I don't want to say such negative things and would normally avoid it but let's face it, you already have a baby. Do you really want to face giving her back, not falling pregnant yourself, and then adopting and not 'falling in love' with the baby all over again?

You may not feel able to come back to this thread now but I hope you do at some point and can find strength in the encouragement here. I'd say most people only want for you to find a way to keep looking after your daughter, who has already been through the system once.

I'm glad I posted here. Adoption groups are wishywashy - people say supportive things but not what they really think.
New day - spoke with dh for hours last night - he didn't know the extent of my feelings until he read this thread.
Have read all messages. I know I deserve your anger. Dd is asleep on the sofa with me now. The thought of not seeing her little face again? Can't bear it.

Thought my feelings were rare and didn't realise the extent of how some people struggle to engage with their children.

We had 3 years of ivf prior to adoption - no, can't face that again. Ttc is something I think about - still craving a baby made from me, but yes - very selfish. Very selfish. Dh and I will not pursue this. For many reasons.

Have received private messages from 4 of you and I will reply to you - but thank you. You have touched me.

To those who have criticised and been angry with me. A wake up call overdue. I have been thinking about myself and pretending altruism.

This is harder than anything I ever knew, expected or have done - been overwhelmed by those of you who say this is normal motherhood. I don't have many friends with children, so didn't know the extent of this. Has opened my eyes.

Long way to go - still unresolved feelings, and fear I have made us vulnerable to ss. Lots of counselling ahead, but as I wake up this morning - no, I don't want to lose her. She is my daughter.

Sorry sorry sorry. I needed your voice. I feel undeserving of this child, but want to be everything she deserves. The strength isn't there yet, but the resolve is coming.

Oh thank God.

Sorry for my last post, I was losing hope.

Thank God. See, she is yours, you do love her, it's just going to take time to feel normal.

Take care, of yourself and especially that lovely little girl.