I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

I was about to say the same as spineroo regarding caring for nieces and nephrews.

I didn't realise - apologies.

I do wonder if you just haven't given yourself enough time yet. Bonding with a bio child rarely happens straight away; it's bound to take longer still with an adoptive child.

I really hope the upcoming counselling helps. :)

Warthog - really? Years?
That makes me feel a bit better

Lauriescarycake - you are just what I need

Laska - I do go to adoption groups, but I just always wonder if the other mums are saying things that aren?t strictly the case - they always seem to make out it?s so perfect.

It sounds to me like you are depressed, which I believe is not uncommon at this stage in the adoption process. You haven't had the final paperwork yet, and feelings of her being not yours are bound to be exacerbated by this.

Laurie's post is a very good one. OK, you say you don't love her, but would you want to entirely turn her life upside down (again) by rejecting her? Is it that bad that you'd risk that?

I also agree that focusing on trying for a biological child is a really bad plan until you know how you feel about DD.

Also, I think you might be exaggerating that sense of "motherly rush". I love my DD all the world, and would do anything for her, but that is because she needs me to, not because she grew in my uterus.

I really think you need some serious counselling before you make any decisions, as does your DH.

Good luck, but please think very carefully before taking any decisions that could ultimately ruin DD's life completely.

I think you should just accept you will not 'return' her. I really do.

Lots of people have a hard time bonding with their biological kids but dont have the returning option and thats the way you should be thinking too, just completely forget it then maybe you can move on?

I feel for you but my goodness I feel for your dd. She is so dependent on you, youre shaping her entire future here and maybe this is harsh but this isnt about you, its about her and what a failed adoption would do to her, short and long term.

Start acting like a mother if thats what you want to be, put her needs first. She so needs you.

I dont really know what youre expecting maternal love to feel like - maybe youre expecting too much?

I hope I havent been too harsh but I do think you need to take a step back and realise how awful this would be for her, your daughter.

We have a long way to go, loopy loops, and the decision making process is way into the future, really.

No? I won?t reject her. I can?t reject her. She needs me, doesn?t she?

i completely agree with this bit of what was said above

To me love isn't just a goey feeling you get - it's also a bahaviour that wants to do the right thing for the child's development.

You say "it breaks my heart - for her" - which I think is a good sign that you can love her. Maybe for you it will be a gradual attachment, and you don't need to beat yourself up because it isn't instant.

There have been a few threads recently (you should do a search - probably in parenting) where biological parents are worried that they have not fallen in love with their babies.

I think this is very normal - babies are pretty boring in the first year and take a lot without giving much back. And I am not sure how much I actually "loved" my DTs in the first year or so. But now they are are older I can say that I completely love them.

May be you like me and others, just needs more time.

But of course the longer you keep her the more unfair it would be to return her to the care system.

My heart goes out to you. You must be so torn inside about your whole situation.

It is slightly different by my DH adopted my DD when she was 7 after knowing her for 3 years. He asked to although he was very honest with SS all the way through the process that although he did not have love for her at that time like his other children he cared for her and believed he could be a better father than her own biological one. They agreed with him and so did the judge. Two and a half years down DH is now "in love" with DD like our other children and you cannot tell the difference at all between any of them that there has been an adoption in our family. It has taken a lot of work on both parts as they have had to get to know each other and for DD it was accepting a father figure into her life for the first time and for DH it was being a father to a daughter for the first time.

On the converse, when my youngest DD was born I had such a traumatic time that I failed to bond with her in the first year. It was awful because I couldn't feel anything and again one day something just "kicked" in and it started the bonding process. The guilt used to have me in tears wondering how on earth I could carry a baby and then not love it immediately. But every pregnancy is different and nobody knows for sure how anything will pan out until you are right in the thick of it.

I agree that to return your DD to the care of social services will be detrimental to her well being and I also concur with what Belgo says in that she is yours already. Whenever we undertake a new path in life I think there is always a stage that we get to when we lose our confidence or balance and start to wonder if it is the right path. However getting through that "wobble" is what gives us confidence to keep going and realising that things were not as bad as we had envisaged.

Obviously your decisions and choices are your own but I would think very carefully before following through on returning your DD to care bearing in mind everything that all 3 of you have been through to date to get to this point.

Good luck.

You mention in your post that you are trying to get pregnant - do you think you are putting all of your eggs in that basket so to speak?
What happens if that fails and you have already returned your adoptive daughter to the system? I can't help but think that you wouldn't be given another chance...
What if you have your own child, and still don't experience the overwhelming feelings that you expect?
It seems very soon to make such a big decision, how long did the whole adoption process take? What I mean is, how long were you preparing yourself for this? And was the plan always to still TTC asap?

Not too harsh, theunmentioned, I suspect I need tough love here

had an interesting conversation (for completely irrelevant reasons) with a psychologist about loving your own babies. He also subscribed to the view that it was normal not to fall in love with your baby straightaway - to feel protective, yes, but not to feel that huge rush right off.

out of interest, did you have much experience of v young babies beforehand? some people adore the whole tiny baby round the clock dependant thing, but it scared the hell out of me, I much preferred the sitting/crawling/playing phase to the newborn one.

Scaltini - the adoption process took just over 4 years and we planned not to TTC afterwards. The plan was always to adopt a second time.

Of course she needs you. And she loves you. And if you're honest with yourself, you need and love her too, but adoption has come as more of a shock and struggle than you expected. It doesn't mean the love's not there, and won't grow, it means you are (all, probably) traumatised and shell-shocked.

Please look for some appropriate counselling.

If you have a child of your own you are more than likely to treat it differently, and that should not be the case.

It is a shame you dont love her.

What do you think maternal love should feel like?

I had some experience anotherbricckinthewall with friends/relatives etc - but the thing is, she was already a very engaging child when we got her - she was crawling and walked about 6 weeks after she came here. It just wasn?t what I expected
The adoption process prepares you to deal with children who are traumatised and those who struggle with attachement You learn about foetal alcohol syndrome, and night terrors, and coming to terms with not being able to name your child, and having contact with birth family. I dealt with all of that - but the feelings towards the child - the maternal instinct. They don?t talk about that.
My SW told me that they assess us as a couple, and only put us forward for a match if they believe that we will be that child?s parents. They do sometimes get it wrong. My SW was really surprised by my contact, as she also truly believed I wouldn?t have these issues

I think that TTC is probably causing a lot of this resentment. Do your Social Workers know you are TTC?
Please think about the implications on DD before you go ahead with that.

I agree that the bit you are missing is realising that if she were yours biologically the only difference would be that you wouldn't even feel you had the option of giving her back. And you should be seeing this exactly the same way. It shouldn't even be an option for you.

There are lots of mums who take time to feel that love for a biological child and it only comes eventually because you CAN'T give them back, they are YOURS, they NEED you and you made the decision, at some point, somehow, to have them and you have to live with that. However it might have changed your life, your existing relationships, or not lived up to your expectations.

I didn't feel any rush of love for ds when he was born, I thought he was cute, and I was happy to meet him, and I was happy to be a mum. But I didn't LOVE him in any sense of the word I'd previously known because I didn't know him yet. I had that urge to cuddle him and take care of him and protect him but proper love, that really strong, knock you down kind of feeling took time to come. I didn't really feel like a 'mum' for about a year. Friends without kids would ask me if I did and I'd say.. well, I am a mum and I do all the mum things but I'm not really sure that I feel like a 'mum'. Maybe that sounds weird, it's hard to explain.

Some people feel a rush of love but if you don't its okay, sometimes you need to know people a bit better and feel comfortable in your new role before that big love feeling hits you and that can apply to mums and babies as much as any other relationship.

I hope you make the right decision, you are right that no one else can help you decide but I can't see how you can give her back when she is already yours. Maybe part of the problem is that YOU are keeping that distinction in your head between her as an adopted dd and how you would feel about her as your bio dd purely by allowing yourself to consider that you can give her back when you want.

The other thing about "maternal instinct" is that some people just aren't very maternal. Lots of people, in fact. You might find that were you to conceive you would feel the same.

When you say you love her in the way you love your neices and nephews and yet don't think you could care for her, I find that confusing...if for instance your siser or brother died...would you leave your nephews in the care system or look after them?

Is it possible you feel deppressed? Due maybe to your fertility issues?

I think you should seperate the issues of adoption and love...she s your daughter...many Mothers birth or adoptive have confusing feelings re their children...I hope you get some good help it sounds like you are in a very cnfusing place...all the best.

Theunmentioned - I don?t know what maternal love should feel like. That?s the point. Maybe I?m imagining it in a way that doesn?t even exist - but the point is - I will never know. And before we were placed with DD, I didn?t know that would affect me.

I know that it doesn?t feel like this, though - spending every day looking at photos of DD?s birth parents, and going to training courses to teach me how to talk to her about her birth family. Looking at the child, and not seeing anything of me or DH in her, and knowing that we never will.

Just want to thank you all for all replies - thread is moving too fast for me to reply to all of them, but I am reading and taking them all in

Yes, consider this: you get pregnant, have a lovely baby, you dont 'love' it . Do you

a/ keep trying to bond
b/ give it up for adoption

??

You will see dh and you in her, in time. She will pick up your mannerisms etc and become more 'like' you than you ever thought possible.

Here's the thing, I dont know what maternal love feels like for anyone else either and I have 2 kids. I would die for them, I feel very protective of them, I think theyre cute and love spending time with them. I dont know if thats what everyone else feels though, I cant vocalise what i feel. I certainly dont instinctively know what Im doing all the time or how to do teh right thing for them always I just do my best.

Maybe I?m imagining it in a way that doesn?t even exist - but the point is - I will never know.

You need to stop thinking like this, please. You are a mother, like it or not, that little girl sees you as her mother.