I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

When you go to see your SW, I think you need to tell them categorically that you are not ttc, that you do love your DD, that your difficulty has been adjusting to parenthood for the first time. All those things are true and I would hate to see you go through all this and then have SS pull the plug on this adoption because they don't believe that you are fully committed.

Best wishes for the future. I hope you will stay and let us know how things are progressing.

I am so glad to hear you are taking positive steps OP, your post about DD asleep on the sofa with you made me cry.

I think having children is the hardest thing I have ever done and I frequently feel like I have failed them, I remember after having DD2 standing over her cot wanting to slam her head against the bars, I was depressed and felt like I didn't want her. It still upsets me when I think back about that.

Your feelings are more natural than you realise, I really really hope everything works out for you, please do keep us all updated, but you sound as though you are doing all the right things. x

OP, you said this at the start of the thread "It just wasn?t what I expected".

I think that says a lot. I think for a lot of us, motherhood isn't what we expected. I think that is hard enough to come to terms with if youhave given birth, it can only be harder if you have not.

I spent the first few motnhs of DS1's life feeling like he wasn't my baby, he was just this baby I had to look after and care for. I breastfed him for as long as I could manage, only ten days, but that didn't help. Then, when he was six weeks old I hit crisis point and asked my Mum to have him overnight for me. I didn't collect him for several weeks and only did so then because my Mum absolutely insisted. I didn't really care if he never lived with me again, I just felt no attachment to him at all, although I cared for him and wanted him to be OK.

I had PND. However, what made it worse was that everyone harps on about 'bonding' with a new baby and how wonderful it is etc and I just didn'[t feel like that, and because I didn't, I thought there was something wrong with me.

For me, being a Mum was something I learnt. Ironically, it took me having a baby born with Downs Syndrome (DS3) to teach me the most, until then I was never really very maternal.

I hope this is all helpful to you. I suppose what I am trying to say is that it will come with time, and that might well have been the same if you gave birth to your daughter.

my honest opinion is yabvvu to consider returning a child like an unwanted gift.

love grows over time; when my own dd1 was 6 mths old, i had PND and didn't have an amazing bond with her; some days i wondered if I loved her. Of course i had no option of 'returning' her. I think you owe it to her to pretend you have no other option. Imagine your life 20 years from now, wondering what became of her... how did the care system treat her? How did she end up?

Its a case of fake it till you feel it. You may never feel the same way you might about your own biological child but at least you'll be able to live with yourself and say you honestly did your best for her.

nolove. so pleased to hear that you feel more sure of what you want. as you have seen in the responses to this thread there is no one way for things to be or a consensus on what was the right thing to do. my mother wasn't my birth mother but she couldn't have loved me more and I couldn't have loved her more. I hope that if you continue to want to keep your daughter with you that this is what she tells people in the future.

nolovehere - perhaps you could think of your DD as being a niece whose parents have died and she needs a home. Would you really put a child into care under those circumstances?

It would be deeply traumatic fo your DD to be put back into the care system now, make no mistake about that. As she is now not a small baby she may just stay there and not be adopted again. Especially if the trauma of you rejecting her results in behaviour problems.

Even natural parents sometimes get these feelings.

Stop seeing handing her back as an option and set about building the best relationship with her that you can. She is yours now, you chose her.

Op has updated her choices - after about 18 pages!!

It?s moved on a lot from the Original post

Yes have had a look now - hadn't read all 21 pages!

Op, you will be fine. Just remember she is your DD and you will work out whatever life throws at you together.

OP you haven't failed her. If you have failed her then so have loads and loads of mothers. But you haven't, because you have DONE the loving even if you haven't always FELT it. And that's what matters. That's what will always matter.

And no, it never will be about you ever again - that's why there seems such a gulf sometimes between parents and non-parents. Why new parents find it hard to keep all their previous friendships when they have a family and their friends don't, which causes pain and heartache too. It seems like a gulf sometimes. And you ARE a parent now. You're still at the start of the road, only a few months in. And sometimes it feels pretty wierd.

Welcome to motherhood - where you constantly worry whether you are good enough and doing the right thing!

For such little people they occupy an enormous space in our lives; and this is hard to adjust to for any parent no matter how your family was arrived at.

It will come with time, just do what we all do in the early days, take it a day at a time and focus on the basics - meeting your daughter's needs. Please be kind to yourself - it must be hard to do all this under the scrutiny of other people and to feel that you are on trial as a parent. However, it will all be worth it and your little girl needs you.

Nolovehere - so relieved you are at least re thinking things in a positive way.

Your last couple of posts have really touched me. AIBU can be hellish but I do think people in the main have been very forgiving of you and your situation. I am glad this has helped you and maybe made you think of things you hadn't considered or questions you hadn't asked yourself.

Please keep us all informed, it's amazing what a tower of strength mumsnet can be. X

I am so glad that you are seeking the help you need. She is your daughter and does need and love you.

Motherhood is a shock and it is never what anyone expects. You only have to look at the beautiful but useless things people buy before they have their babies which are replaced with wipe clean, plastic tat after they realise the realities. It sounds like you think this difference between what you expected and what you have is because your child is adopted. It really isn't - it is just the shock of motherhood that we all have.

You actually sound to me that you care so much for this little girl that you can't bear for to have anything that isn't perfect and that includes you. You can't be perfect but if you take care of her the best you can then you will be the best mum she could ever want. That all any of us can try to do.

I really hope this all works out well for your family.

nolovehere glad to hear you are sounding more positive.

Just wanted to share a little story with you - in respect of the "nose" comment in the pool.

When DS1 was little I met up my a close friend who was in the processs of adopting a little boy (although she had a biological child after that she had an illness which means she couldn't have any more).

We were walking round the park with my DS1 (tiny baby) and her soon to be DS2 (around 8 months) - she'd only had him for about 3 weeks by that point and wierdly he looked just like her (hair colour, eye colour, build, even looks etc). A mutual friend stopped us, said to my friend, oh I didn't know you had a baby, he looks just like you.

My friend didn't say anything - I asked her after how she felt about the comment, and she said - that it made her feel really good as it meant that it was like fate - her DS2 was born destined to be her son.

Now he is 5 and in year 1, he still looks more like her than her biological son (who looks more like his dad!)

op- oh gosh, almost in tears reading your post. sorry to hear what a heard time you're having. i'm adopted and also gave birth to my own dd this year- much food for thought as you can imagine. yes there does seem to be a biological rush with a birth dd/s. and i'm upset becuase i can identify with a bit of what you say. my (adopted) mum was/ is the best in the world and gave us a lovely childhood. she's done everything for us, she's selfless. but she always seems a bit sad and depressed. i think she feels she missed out by not having a biological child.

when i had my dd i felt sad as i realised that there were some missing feelings between my adopted mum and me. but we love each other and i think she's the best in the world. and i always forget i'm even adpoted (doh!).

i just want to say really that what you could give her would be totally enough, i think. don't put yourself down.

i hope thinks work out for you all.

nolovehere - am very moved by your updated posts - and very glad that you are moving forwards. I think the counselling will benefit you in different ways now - because you have already had an attitude shift, and it has woken up different feelings and understandings within you.

Best of luck to you and your family and I still think that the fact you have put so much thought and care into this, means that you will be a wonderful mother to your DD.

OP - another thought - have you never wondered why there is the truism about guilt as being the mother's lot?

I am so glad our responses are helping.

I read through my post earlier and I didn't think I explained myself very well, so I'm having another go. (I'm the one who worked herself into a state about loving twins the same.)

Love can be a background noise in your head that you get used to. If someone asks you whether you can hear it, you can't pick it out. You wonder if it's there at all. And once you start thinking about it, trying to detect it, you cover it up with other thoughts: "if I loved her/him properly, would I have...", "Oh my god, suppose they're right and I don't love him as much?","If I truly loved him, I would know and I wouldn't be worrying, would I?" (Not true!), "Suppose this worry about loving him is affecting my ability to love him?" I worried so much about failing him that I couldn't see the wood for the trees. Love is, or should be, a happy feeling. You can't feel it properly if you're unhappy.

Of course, for some people, love is like a trumpet blast from the first moment. It doesn't make them better people or better parents. Some people fall in love at first sight. Other people fall in love gradually as they get to know the other.

Oh, and not realising you care about someone until they have an accident is a common plotline because it actually can happen.

nolovehere

I have been thinking about you. I do not agree that you have failed your daughter in anyway at all. I wish you well for your family's future.

IMHO I think you should consider changing your name

nolove

I had my much longed for ds1 7 years ago. He was very ill at birth and his 1st 6 months were unadulterated hell. I didnt sleep (he only slept in 40 min snatches day and night) and didnt eat and lost 2.5 stone in weight.

I honestly wondered what on earth I had done...I felt very protective of him (he was hospital lots in his 1st 6 months and I was with him 24/7) but the love didnt come for a while.

He is now 7 and the apple of my eye. He also has a 2 year old brother who has been a wonderful bonus to our family.

My point is that mothers who have given birth to children feel as you do....I know I did. I was diagnosed with late onset PND when ds1 was 15 months and things got better I was put on ADs and accepted that I was depressed and that I needed help.

Your dd is your daughter. You are her mother...the only one she knows. Please give yourself time to get to know her and love her. It will come. I promise.

(btw, neither of my dc look like me!!)

I think there is this huge motherhood myth, you will just "love" your children.

I don't think it's like that tbh!

Of my friends and associates it's the one who've had to struggle the hardest to become mothers who've suffered the highest rate of PND - I really think there is a link.

I'm so glad you can recognise that you do already love your daughter very much, now concentrate on being a good enough Mum rather than a "perfect" one.

It took me a year to really feel that I had bonded with my (biological) son. In his first year, if I could have given him back, then I would have done. Now he is five and truly the love of my life.

I had a traumatic birth, he had colic and then I had PND. Marriage nearly ended. Horrid, horrid, horrid.

But, I got better, he got better, I went back to work and he has developed into a lovely little boy.

Why should having a biological child make you bond with them more than an adopted child? A colleague of mine at work adopted two boys. She always tells them how special they are because she chose them after waiting such a long time for them.

nolovehere - i have sent you a PM ( inbox at the top of your screen)

Really hope you work things out; your DD needs you and i hope in time will be able to express how much she needs and loves you, it might seem a long way off but nothing IMO is more rewarding than the love of a child; can't say if adopted is different but I've known adopted people who've had really successful close relationships with their parents, I think it can be 'just the same' if you try to forget about biology and go with your heart.

So glad you are sounding more positive. I've been thinking about you and your DD a lot since yesterday and hoping things work out.

I agree with comments about counselling etc, but also make time to enjoy her (rather than over-thinking), hug her, smell her, look into each others eyes, laugh together etc. Those are the moments I feel most in love with my DD (even though it can make me sad that I didn't really enjoy her or feel like this in the early days).

Good luck x

just checking