I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

I agree with using contraception by the way. Even if your chances are incredibly slim, you need to focus on DD for now, not the (slim) possibility of another baby.

OP so relieved to read your last post. Thank you for being brave enough to accept the comments, and use them to face the future. I have hope for you and your family.

I stopped responding last night as I was getting into arguments that didn?t matter about things that weren?t important. Defending myself I suppose. I kept reading though - all night.

Maryz - I have posted on other adoption forums, just not on MN.

Today I feel better. I feel as though I have been through a car wash in my head. It?s been an exhausting read, like weeks of therapy. The honesty from some of you has shaken me, but in a good way. I needed to hear some realism and I think I needed to listen to people who don?t care about me (ie - people who know me and therefore don?t want to upset me) and who just have views that they are prepared to express.

Loopy loops - you have helped me more than you know.

Things have changed. No, things are changing. Some of the posts have made me inconsolable, and have driven things home. They have made me question every thought. We have such a long way to go as a family, especially me, but for the first time in months (6 months) I feel that we might be able to get through this.

No, I don?t want her to go. She is my daughter. And I hate the way I have failed her so far. Whatever happens, I won?t fail her any more.
It?s not about me, is it? And it never will be again? and this is the 1st time I have seen it that way.

"(ie - not* people who know me and therefore don?t want to upset me)"

Op I am so pleased to hear this I was thinking about your situation all night thanks for updating

That is so much better. You sound as if you are really coming to terms with things.

Have you looked on the advice for PADS? Is it something that you might be suffering from, do you think?

You are so lucky to have such a lovely little girl. So many people don't get that opportunity, a lot of people were very cross that you were going to throw that away, and risk more rejection for DD.

She is safe, she loves you, you love her. That's all you need for now.

I still think you need to be honest with the SW and seek counselling.

Yes, for sure, Phipps is right. You know that, don't you?

Have made an appointment with GP for later today.

Had heard of PADS before, but didn?t really consider it might be anything to do with me. Always saw depression as something that happened to other people. SW never talked about it with me.

Feel a bit let down by SS. Feel as though they have not jumped on this. That?s something to think about for another day.

FlamegrilledMama - I feel as though I have a friend in you. You have made me cry with your support - as have many others on this thread. I feel as though I have been criticised and supported in equal measure, and believe that I have needed both. Good cop/bad cop.

It?s good to hear from people who understand, and good to hear from people who don?t/can?t

I'm happy for you and your family. Most of all, I'm happy for your little daughter who deserves all your love.

Phipps - I am already booked onto counselling organised by AUK through a private therapist.

I have been honest with my SW. I told her about wanting to TTC - of course this is against every rule. Of course she has told me categorically not to go ahead with it. But she knows how I feel, and it is up for discussion at our review next week, with an independent chair.

Very good move re: GP. You need support. It really does sound to me like you're a bit depressed. GP should help in one way or another. Well done.

nolovehere - I am torn between yelling at you and giving you a hug......

I am an adoptive parent too and totally get what you are saying about being good enough. Its almost that adopters have to be doubly good parents as the first lot fecked it up. And thats a lot of pressure.

But every single parent in the world has one thing in common - their children do not belong to them. They are not possessions or things to own. They are their own people with hopes and dreams and aspirations that belong to them.

To me adoption has been a bit like an arranged marriage - the first time I met DS he threw lego at me and called me Lady! But I didn't really like him and certainly didn't love him. It took me the best part of nine months to even feel I was anywhere near a mum.

Fast forward five years and I assure you I know I am a good mum. DS is secure and safe and cosy and loved. And that love has grown with time and will continue to grow.

Like I tell him he may not have grown in my tummy but he grows in my heart every day.

I am not telling you what I think you should do cos I think deep down you know.

Go and give that wee girl a big hug.

I'm really delighted to hear your post nolove, I hope you really consider not ttc until you have come to terms with being your dd's mother and are thoroughly bonded and loved up!!

loflo....I love this "Like I tell him he may not have grown in my tummy but he grows in my heart every day."

nolovehere, I am weeping having read your last two posts. I am so glad you write that she is your daughter and you could not bear never to see her again. You are getting help and that is not failing her. Keep at it.

loflo - 'every single parent in the world has one thing in common - their children do not belong to them' - how well put.

You can't blame the SW for not jumping on this and saying that makes me think you know you haven't always done the right thing. You will need a lot of support and so will your daughter.

Glad to have helped

All the very best nolovehere

Lofio, what a wonderful post.

nolovehere - I am so very glad that this thread has helped, both the brickbats and the bouquets. AND most of all that you are feeling more positive and able to say 'she is my daughter'. That's beautiful.

I do hope the GP is able to help. And that you feel able to keep posting for the support you both need.

Maybe when you started this thread you wanted to be flamed, to justify your view that you are 'bad' and should hand dd back? And actually as it's developed the mix of views isn't quite what you expected and has actually created something much more positive?

Wishing you all the best nolovehere

good point edam

So glad you are feeling a change Nolove, I'm going to have to go and redo my mascara now after reading these updates.
Kew, your posts are so moving and the photos of your little boy are gorgeous :)
:) :) :)

Sounds like you have a good plan, OP. Hope you get the support you need. Best wishes xx

I have been watching this thread, I dont really have anything of value to contribute but wanted to share some words that my very wise old Nan used to say. My Nan had 5 children but sadly lost two of her own children and also brought up one of her sisters (Sister was unmarried mother)

I didn't have kids at the time but i have always remembered this...

From the moment that they (children) enter the world, they belong to the World, it is the parents job to protect them, look after them and guide them through the best that they can, till the next world.

Think that applies to all "parents" whether birth parents or otherwise.