I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

I don't think your post should be in the AIBU section, but I wonder, how does your dh feel?

Firstly I'll say you're brave for posting this and considering your options.

Secondly, I don't have any life experience of adoption.

"I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come"

That bit struck me as interesting. She isn't your flesh and blood, but she is a child who needs love and to be protected.

Do you think your main issue to be that you want to go through pregnancy?

No real wisdom to give, but hope someone else comes along soon.

The thing is - I think IABU but I can?t help it - and I posted here in order to get a high volume of responses.

DH is philosophical about the whole thing. I feel terrible as it was me who encouraged him to adopt in the first place, and I know that he did it for me. Obviously he fully engaged in the process - you can?t really adopt unless you?re both on board.

He does love her, but he also has a yardstick (his DS) and he says that the feelings he has for DD are nowhere near as intense as the feelings he had for his DS, which also worries me. He says he thinks it will come - but he is undecided as to what we should do next, and is attending the sessions with me.

If you care for her and want the best for her then you will NOT, under any circumstances, return her to the care system. Failed adoptions and the rejection that results in that is possibly the most difficult thing for a child to come to terms with - and most never do.

I wonder if you are giving yourself too hard a time - do you really think your 'care' for her is not good enough?

I 'care' for foster dd - and I think 'love' is an action and not just a feeling.

I do not feel an overwhelming bond with her but what I do know is that my caring for her, putting her needs as an extremely high priority, offering her the nurture she has not had is overwhelmingly better than her living elsewhere.

Being 'good enough' as a parent/carer is something you will have to come to terms with.

Your 'need' for that 'biological' bond that people speak of is a psychological one - it can take a lot of effort to love and care for a child that is not yours.

In all honesty I think it is too soon (and that it is detrimental to your adopted daughter) to try and have a biological child.

Instead I think you need to do the emotional work in therapy to come to terms with what your very new situation is. 'Love' is in many shapes and sizes - you need to explore that in therapy.

Coming to terms with not being able to have a biological child should have been done before you adopted - you needed time to grieve for this before you adopted.

Try and recognise the love the baby is giving you - try and be responsive to her being able to show you that love. I wonder if on some level you are 'rejecting' her because you 'need' to focus on having a biologocal child?

I realise that is a terribly hard question to explore but I do urge you too.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I would really recommend getting this thread moved to a more appropriate section if you want to maximise the chances of getting helpful replies.

Good luck.

nolovehere - I do suspect that you meant to click on the adoption section and clicked on AIBU by mistake. Maybe you could get mumsnet to move it for you - you might get better feedback if it is in the adoption section.

Thank you for being gentle! Although, I am prepared for the worst here.

We did explore the grieving for a biological child - and I genuinely thought I was past it. Genuinely. Turns out I?m not. I don?t think it?s that I want to be pregnant (but I?m not sure) - I just think it?s that I am too aware she isn?t mine. I don?t know

It probably is Far too soon, and I know that I shouldn?t be focussing on having a biological child. But I am?

No, I wanted to post here. I have also posted on two other adoption forums - but am really interested in MN replies. Particularly here where everyone is so candid. In adoption circles, people are less open and more gentle - I suspect I need a dose of reality as well

You're being honest and that is fair enough but saying you don't think ANYONE can love their adopted baby as much as a biological child is possibly not best phrased, as many people do of course and there are several on this site. Also many people don't fall massively in love with their bio children straight away.

'I just think it?s that I am too aware she isn?t mine.'

But she IS yours. And you are HERS. That's what adoption is about.

I agree with much of what lauriescary says - I think it could be devastating for her if she goes back into the care system.

I really hope the counselling helps you to work through your feelings, for her sake.

I know xkittyx - that?s my point. Other adopters say they feel this, and I can?t understand it. That?s why I need other people?s experiences. I?ve spoken to friends who say that everything is rosy - and I don?t know if I?m projecting my own experiences, or if I?m just hoping it isn?t just me, but it never quite rings true. That?s why I wanted people I don?t know (ie here) to tell me their experiences. It can?t just be me, can it?

i can understand exactly what you mean when you say that you dont feel you could love an adopted child as much as a biological one as i think if i was in your situation i would feel the same. i know some people do love their adopted children very much but everything is different for different people.

Im afraid i dont have any good advice to give you other than to say that i really feel for you it must be hard trying to come to a decision.wish i could help more

Thank you belgo

I just feel like her babysitter. And I feel like other people look at us like that too - as though it doesn?t count because I didn?t give birth to her. And I feel like that too

Thank you ariane
Im not a monster, I know that - but I feel like I?m not a mother - and she deserves a mother.

What sort of counselling did you have before adopting? Did you ever wonder that an adoptive parent couldn't love their child as much as a biological child before you adopted? Was this something you suspected, even if very deep down? Did you address it then?

I must admit I surprise myself by being really quite shocked at the prospect of returning the child, as if it is a pet. I honestly don't mean this in a judgmental way. I am just really wondering how much cop your pre-adoption counselling was. Not much at all, by the sounds of it.

I really hope you get some insightful responses to this and are able to reach an outcome that works for all of you.

'And I feel like other people look at us like that too - as though it doesn?t count because I didn?t give birth to her.'

no that's not true - I'm sure all your friends are very pleased for you and consider you to be her mummy.

Ok, I believe I do not love foster dd in the same way as I would love a biological child - it doesn't mean that the love and care I show to her is not valid.

I find being a foster carer to dd very hard work but I would never return her to the care system as that would be wrong for her. In nearly every case it would be wrong.

It would very likely be wrong for your dd and you need to think about her as well as you.

Make every effort to come to terms with your relationship with her - explore every option.

5dollarshake - I worded that very badly (returning her to the care system) - failed adoptions do happen - and they are quite common, but it wouldn?t be my decision alone, and the process is very long and everything is taken into account. Her needs come first, and that is absolutely right. But they will also take into account my struggles - it has to be best for her.

We covered everything, but we all thought I was ready - it looks like I?m not

5dollarshake - unfortunately many adoptions fail - and that is not a new thing.

I agree it may be very early to see how you truly feel about this.

Bit I also agree that if you say you care about her at all you will not return her- I believe this would be detrimental to you both.

Your two experiences of motherhood have been a little different from what you expected. You mention tha yardsick your dh has- is the way you feel about your dss different form how you feel about your dd? I suspect that that rush doesn't come straight away either, but rather does with time.

You also mention the fact that she has links to another family. She undoubtedly has- but it is your family that will make her memories for her, that she will share all of her 'Firsts' with, and who will parent her in the way you deem appropriate.

Finally, I know you don't want advice one way or another, but if you love her as you would a niece or nephew,imagine this. If you had taken parental responsibility for a niece or nephew, and there was no way to return them to their birth family, would you put them back into the system?

I am sorry you feel this way- it must be very hard. Try to stop beating yourself up about it and hopefully you can find some peace and resolution with the counselling

well it took me a very long time - years - to bond with my first dc. it has come in the end, but did take a long time. i used to feel like she wasn't mine, even though i did give birth to her.

i know it's not the same thing, but i don't think you're alone in the world of mothers.

She has a mother. She sees you as her mother - the problem is that you don't see yourself as it.

there are many different types of mothering - it's you that needs to come to terms with the mother you are in this relationship.

Are there any groups of other adoptive parents you could go to? It sounds like being able to share experiences might help. Of course it seems natural that you would always wonder what it would be like had she been 'your own' but it sounds to me like she needs you - and you need her.

Spinaroo - ?but if you love her as you would a niece or nephew,imagine this. If you had taken parental responsibility for a niece or nephew, and there was no way to return them to their birth family, would you put them back into the system??

Thank you for that - that is a really useful perspective that I had not considered.

I never expected to love my stepson in that way - he is 10 and lives with his mother - I care for him, but I don?t have to replace his parents and I don?t have to have any other kind of relationship with him. It?s not the same thing

I'm wondering if you posted on AIBU because you feel bad and on some level you are inviting judgement.

Counselling will help you figure out this whole issue of 'love' and if you've got blocks in this area.

To me love isn't just a goey feeling you get - it's also a bahaviour that wants to do the right thing for the child's development.

You say "it breaks my heart - for her" - which I think is a good sign that you can love her. Maybe for you it will be a gradual attachment, and you don't need to beat yourself up because it isn't instant.