I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

I realised that I did love my DD when she had a very nasty bug, and I felt sick with worry. I realised that I could not bear the idea of losing her.

Please don't return this little girl to the care system. You can be her mum, she needs you.

Forgot to mention Lisa Faulkner i definately think its possible to love an adopted child as much as your own as you can tell she is completely in love with her dd. I only knew her dd was adopted because she has talked about it openly in interviews.

OP it sounds to me like you are suffering some kind of depression. I had PND after both of my children and had much the same feelings as you. Although you haven't been through the biological process of pregnancy/birth the process of adoption has a lot of similarities in other ways. The anticipation of becoming a mum, which can be even longer when adopting, and the realisation that it, maybe, isn't how you had imagined when the time arrives. Also the feeling you are being judged. Add that to the sleep deprivation when you have a young baby and it is no wonder you don't feel great.
My PND was severe with my first child and I overanalysed my feelings for her in the way you describe. I didn't feel that initial rush of love that is spoken about - I just felt scared and inadequate. I also thought that she would be better off being looked after by someone else.
Fast forward 3 years and I have another child too and I am so happy and love my life and my kids more than I could have ever imagined. My love has grown for my child through interacting with her and caring for her and seeing the rewards it brings. Her first steps, first laugh, first words. What I'm trying to say is that love doesn't always come instantly - it will come with time whether you have adopted or not.
It sounds to me like you will be a great mum. The fact you are so concerned about your feelings for your child show how much you care for her even if you don't realise it.

I think the best thing for this child is for her to be returned to care to then be given the chance of a family who will love her and won't constantly be comparing her.

I urge you to listen to the recent 'Unconditional Love' episode of the This American Life podcast/radio show.

While the adoption story is not very similar to yours (a couple adopted a quite-traumatised older boy), the discussion about how love works might be quite interesting for you.

I'm sorry, but how on earth are you thinking about her( your daughter)?!

It's not 'try before you buy'! I dont get the 'on trial' thinking- she is your daughter!

I think your considering 'returning' her is atrociously selfish and appalling and all those who are side stepping around saying so are being too kind.

Love grows and evolves, it doesn't arrive in a neat little package. Your daughter is still a baby and ALL your thoughts should be on how this will affect her. You are the adult, so please try to act like one. Step up and ve her mum.
Parenthood is hard whether you are the biological parent or not, but your child loves you, her mum. Lease don't reject her.
Yabvvvvvvvvvvuuuuu!

OP - I don't think your feelings are that uncommon.

Bob that is unfair and I don't think people are sidestepping anything. I felt as if my biological child would have been better off being looked after by someone else when I was depressed. I didn't do it and I don't think I could have - I don't think the OP will either -but when you're feeling low it's not uncommon to feel these things. If you haven't been in that situation then you can't judge imo.

yes, nolovehere, years. and if i'm brutally honest i still feel a bit like that and she's 4.5yo. i do love her dearly but it didn't come naturally and wasn't there from the start. i really cared for her and couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to her. just didn't feel this overwhelming love.

i'm not sure i'd feel any different if i were in your situation.

GiddyPickle of course not, it is not the same at all. Don't be so silly.

op has made me cry so much, my ds is adopted and i love him with all my heart, please don't doubt that !!

i can't comment on your feelings as i fell in love with my son quite quickly but at the moment bobthebreadcrust is making perfect sense !!

By her own admission the op posted in Aibu for honest and frank responses, which I have given.
I don't think I'm being unfair, I have given my opinion( which I do feel strongly about- I have 3 dc of my own, two are 'biological', 1 'adopted', so feel I have a little insight here.)

Please op don't give up.... It takes time.

I'll apologise upfront as I haven't read the whole of the thread but feel the need to post now before I lose my nerve.

OP, you seem to me to be punishing yourself for not feeling all maternal, and focusing on the fact that you adopted as the cause for that. Well, I gave birth to my son and felt exactly the same way for quite some time - over a year.

Looking back, I can see that it was depression. I don't think it was purely post-natal/hormone-induced either. Motherhood was such a shock to me that I couldn't really deal with it well at all. I was 35 and well used to a fairly selfish DINKy lifestyle. I have never knowingly burned a bridge in my life and had never made any changes to my life that couldn't be changed back if I needed to. (Move countries? I could move back. Change jobs? Old employer would have had me back. Marry? There's always divorce.)

And then I had a baby and it was completely irreversible. Nothing could ever change that and it scared the hell out of me and I retreated into my shell faster than a sea creature. I had completely lost control of my future. And I felt no love for my son for over a year, and it was a pretty horrible year for DH and myself. But that's how long it took me to get over the - well, shock.

Consider the possibility that how you feel has nothing to do with adoption and is about the sheen terror of taking on responsibility for another human. NAd that that may not be love, but is possibly very maternal.

I think actually maybe you should return her.

that sounds awful, and i never thought i would say that to anyone...

but give her another chance. If you don't love her and don't want her then give her back up while she is still a baby and has a better chance of being adopted by someone else who really, really wants her

it isn't good enough to make do. there must be a lot of other families out there who would adore a small baby....

But why isn't it the same at all?

The problem is "I've had my daughter for six months and I don't think I really love her properly". Your response is that the daughter should "be given the chance of a family who will love her" -- except it's not, by the sound of things, it's "if you have been pregnant with this child for nine months before that six month period, then don't worry about the feelings of love because they will come in time. However, if you encountered the child for the first time only slightly more than six months ago then you are bad and will never be able to love her so should put her into care to be adopted by another family." Now who's being silly?

Heavens. I want so much to post here but there are so many different things to write about.

I am adopted myself. I have a biological DS. Largely the reason I have a biological DS is because I had so much trouble trying to get through the adoption process in the UK that I gave up. I am very lucky to have had DS.

I always thought that I would adopt. It has been hard for me to accept that this might not happen (although I haven't given up yet). This was my idea of motherhood once I decided that I did want a child (very late but that is another story). Being pregnant, giving birth, having a tiny baby wasn't something that I ever thought I would do. It has been strange, weird, wondeful but somehow alien to who I thought I was. The love wasn't instant. It took a long time.

We are so subject to how things "should be", so bombarded with messages about how love feels, should be expressed, should be seen.

This thread is interesting for me as I grew up holding very dear the concept that adoption was the same as any other way of making a family. The strange and difficult route for me has been the biological route. I wonder if you too have some ingrained ideas about how it should be.

Clearly you have some difficult decisions to make with consequences either way. I can't believe however that you didn't think about some of this before you made your commitment to this little girl. I wish all of you the best in the decisions you make but just be very sure that you are making decisions because they are right and not because on any level you are motivated by what others are saying you "should" be feeling or experiencing.

I have met several people who have both biological and adopted children and they all say the same - that they love them just as much but differently.

Perhaps your expectations of yourself were too high and you're trying to force the love rather than just getting to know your baby and letting it come naturally.

What I don't understand is how you got through the adoption process whilst still trying to conceive. I understood that you had to have given up trying for biological children for at least two years before adopting, unless that's just our local authority.

Seems to me like you've already decided you won't love her, and trying to conceive your own at the same time is really setting up this baby for heartache, shame on you.

If you knew you would ttc and knew that you questioned the love for adopted dcs then why have you put this baby through all of this?

Returning a child to the care system is unforgivable.

nolovehere I'm going to send you a private message - tried typing in here but was just tooooooo long! x

I sometimes think it is part of the reason that so many parents who have TTC'd for a long time struggle with parenthood - by whatever means it finally happens - our expectations of ourselves are unreasonable.

In dark days of PND, I looked at a very perscriptive, routine based parenting book, by someone who should perhaps still not be named, and I felt intense relief at the idea that was it! To meet my baby's needs, the way the best professional nanny could, I just had to do the stuff in those routines, no more. My baby needed me to care for her well, and to act as though I loved her. Love itself grew slowly over time. The awful guilt I felt that I could never do enough began to subside.

There's a contradiction at the heart of what you are saying and doing. If you genuinely believe now that you can't care for an adopted child like you can for a biological child, why are you making your partner have a non-biological child by TTC with donor sperm? Won't he have the same bonding issue?

I don't think you do believe that, you certainly can't have believed it when you initiated the adoption process. I agree with those who say you are probably depressed, certainly you are not thinking very rationally, tbh, but more just reacting a bit wildly and clutching at the 'it's only a placement' aspect of adoption as a way out. I don't think it will provide one.

Above all else, I think TTCing right now is wrong.

TTCing is hugely stressful in itself. It is not fair on your DD to be doing this so soon after you have taken her in. Please rule it out as an option until after this process is complete.

If you care deeply for this child as you would do for a niece I think this is an excellent basis for being an adoptive mother. As others have said the rush of love even with bio children is not instant. She is so little still I'm sure you will love her. Take the best care of her you can and the love will grow. I have no doubt she loves you already.

I think you would be being unreasonable to return a child that loves you to the care system. You are doing the right thing by getting counselling and perhaps you need to be checked out for depression too. I hope that everything works out for you and your little girl.