I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

Roundthehouses - adoption fails. If it is in the best interests of the child, then they should go wherever the best chance for them lies. It?s not the same as having a birth child. You can?t return a birth child because they came from you - there?s nowhere to return them to. Our DD has been placed with us, pending reviews that the match is working. If it doesn?t work, then she will be taken somewhere that is more appropriate for her.
I can?t look at it in the same way, because it?s not the same.

Shanahan?s revenge - of course I would look after my nieces and nephews if needed - but again that?s not the same. I already have a relationship with them - as their auntie. I would be taking on the job as carer if anything happened to my brother - but I wouldn?t be adopting them as my own. They?re already family. They look like us, and are part of our biological line.

I agree maybe I?m not very maternal, and am open to the possibility that I may have a form of depressions

Regarding the donor sperm option and a biological child (of yours). You would be swapping one non biological child that you and your DH have nurtured and cared for for another child that would not biologically be your DH's. For him this would surely be a step backwards?

Do the two need to be mutually exclusive? Could she be the big sister?

I'm afraid that I'm in the camp of not believing in a big rush of motherly love. When my eldest was born it was a horrible long labour ending in a C-Section. He was goey and screwed up and looked like Winston Churchill. I cared for him but often wondered if he was in a line up of babies whether I'd be able to identify him. I worried about being near mothers with the same pushchair incase I went off with the wrong one. Outwardly, of course, I was no doubt the perfect parent spouting all the right things. With DS 2 the birth was less traumatic so I thought I'd feel the rush of love - I didn't. I don't know when it happens but for me its a slow thing, almost as though you have to get to know each other. As you say the feeling of like and caring is there it just isn't an overwhelming I'd jump in front of a car for this person - not that I've fortunately ever been put in the position I've had to. The thing is I chatted to my sister about this recently because I'm expecting no.3. She had completely the same experience with her two (twins). She'd been through rounds of IVF and being on waiting lists etc and was really desperate for her own children. They'd been looking at adoption too. She had a straightforward C-Section but didn't feel an instant bond. When they're born they may well have grown inside you but they're still a stranger.

I think we all love in different ways and love grows in different ways. I don't know whether its a fair comparison, or not, but can you think about the love you had for your DH when you first met (not to be confused with lust) doesn't it grow over time? The more familiar you become and the more common history you share the deeper the feeling?

She IS yours. You have adopted her. She thinks you are her mother, and if you give her back it will be terrible for her, not just now, but in the long run.
Imagine knowing you were adopted, kept for a few months, and then deemed not lovable enough to keep...

Love IS an action. It can be as mundane as making sure you buy the cornflakes they like and listening when they talk.

Also, parenting a baby is hard (I found it hard) and in my opinion it gets easier as they get older.

You are not related by blood to DH, I assune, and yet you love him.

It sounds like you expected one thing, and got another (hey welcome to motherhood!) and now you are panicking and desparately wanting to get pregnant to fix it.
You can't fix it like that. If you get pregnant I assume it really is game over for adopted daughter?

I hope you decide to honour the commitment you have made to her.

I'm sorry, I've been treating you gently as I really feel for you, but you did post here, and in my opinion you are being unreasonable.

I understand that things aren't how you hoped they would be, but considering returning her to a (very) uncertain future because you're struggling with the fact that she had a family before you is incredibly selfish.

She loves you. She needs you. Is returning her really an option?

Please seek counselling. You really do sound depressed. This probably has no beaning on your actual feelings for DD, but the adoption process itself. This is normal, and the situation with DD can be retrieved in time, with appropriate support. Without it, you will have a very confused and sad little girl on your (or not) hands.

I agree with others that you might not feel any 'motherly rush' or special bond with a biological child either, at least not to start with, plenty of mothers don't and then worry that there's something wrong with them because it's so ingrained in us that we should/must feel those things. It's not usual to give your biological child away just because you don't feel an intense enough rush of emotions for them though. How would you feel if you did 'return' your dd, had your 'own' baby, then found you didn't feel any more 'motherly' towards him/her?

It sounds like you're doing the right thing in having the counselling sessions, I'm sure they'll be able to give you more helpful and expert advice and have probably dealt with these sorts of situations before. I hope you manage to work out the best solution for you and all your family.

You don't go through a four year process to turn your back on it- You must have been pretty serious about it and I suspect that you are possibly shocked that you haven't felt what you hoped or expected to feel. But you did want her- that much is evident.

Can I ask why you have changed your mind about TTC? Is it because of the way you feel about DD?

You have too much on your plate right now- you are trying to deal with the disappointment of your feelings for dd, probably constantly berating your self for those feelings as well as your disappointment at failing to conceive, probably berating yourself for that as well.

You need to give yourself a break and concentrate on adapting to your first experience of motherhood.

You sound very close minded in your last post. IMO you need to look at her like a biological child, just try, it doesnt sound like youre willing to tbh.

We haven?t made a commitment to her yet - we are being trialled. It?s not an indictment on her, it is an indictment on me

Hi Nolovehere - I think you are doing an amazingly thorough job to make sure that you do the best for this baby. That says you care about her deeply. You want the best for her. That is more than some biological mums can manage so no "fail" there.

I do not mention it much but I never had that maternal "rush of love" for DS. I do love him to bits, but there has been no sudden onslaught of love here. If you are waiting for that, or if you believe that all biological mums have it, you are under a misapprehension. Now, I may also be suffering from low grade depression - my mother died when I was 19w pg and I still, 3.4y later, don't really feel like I have grieved properly over it - I think I naturally suppressed my reactions to cause minimum stress to my baby, and I don't think I've ever really addressed it since. So maybe my entire emotional system is suppressed to avoid me addressing this and that is possibly why I didn't have that love rush. But it might not be.

I have no real love bond with my nieces either. I like them well enough but don't miss them particularly - maybe I am just a cool-emotioned person, rather than any level of depression?

I am pretty much thinking out loud here - but because what you said about yourself is how I feel too (apart from loving DS to bits but he is 2.11 now), I thought it might help you to know that other people have similar ishoos with their feelings.

I hope you decide to keep your DD, even though it's entirely up to you - because it sounds to me that you care enough about her to make sure that she has a happy, fulfilled childhood - and fierce love isn't always necessary for that, IMO.

I'm just wondering if there's something in how the child relates to you that is affecting the whole attachment issue. The child may be withdrwn or overly needy - probably traumatised on some level still??

I didn't bond with dd too well at first and she's mine. It took some time, and the love and dependency she had on me and dh. I loved her at first I thinkb because she loved me?

I think you should give her more time. I realise it's hard for you to stop thinking about pregnancy but you have to give this little girl a chance. It will come, I am sure, as you are more than half way there already.

No no no no you have made a commitment to her, you have. Look into her eyes and Im sure you can see she trusts and loves you, that is a committment, not a piece of paper.

I kind of agree with classydiva. Do you think that still hoping to have a biological child may be affecting your feelings? maybe holding back from bonding?
I am a little shocked at the talk of returning her, but failed adoptions do happen, and it's not necessarily anyones fault. You really need to be brutally honest with yourself. While returning her may seem callous, she is young and therefore far more likely to find potential parents. I really don't want to come down hard on you, and I admire the fact that you are facing these issues head on.
I hope that you can resolve these problems and best case scenario would be that you keep her and build a family together, but please don't keep her out of a sense of guilt, as that wouldn't be good for you or her.
But I am keeping my fingers crossed that you work it through. Sorry if any of this was harsh.

"We haven?t made a commitment to her yet - we are being trialled. It?s not an indictment on her, it is an indictment on me"

She won't see it like thought will she?

Like that though. Doh!

I agree.. what I feel as maternal love might be nothing like anyone else. I certainly am only a mum in my way, for good and for bad.

And she WILL be like you. Again you might have a biological child and find it looks like your dh and NOTHING like you and that could bother you in ways you didn't expect. Or it could look more like your mum's great aunt than either of you. What does it matter what she looks like? There are all things I think you THINK matter but in the scheme of things really don't.

Ds looks nothing like me. He is a carbon copy of his dad. Yet he has lighter hair and eyes like me (it is not my colouring, his dad was blonde as a child and his eyes are the same colour as his paternal grandmother, not like mine) so a lot of people say he looks like me. You will probably find people start to say your dd looks like one of you, esp if they know she is not adopted, and even sometimes when they do! People see what they want to see.

Ds is also like his dad in personality. I am always joking that I had nothing to do with making him, like it was some big trick and dh made and incubated him and just transferred him to me for the birth. lol. And your dd will pick up habits of yours, the way you touch your hair, a look she gives when she is cross. Copy things you say. My ds is still undoubtedly mine, not because of any external markers but because he just IS. I am him Mummy who cuddles him and loves him and he couldn't care a jot if there is no physical resemblance because it is totally irrelevant.

I am sure you are considering it but you need to really really think how you could feel if you returned your dd, had a bio child and then still felt the same.

Like that though. Doh!

Aaargh. Crazy traffic, sorry.

loopyloops. You are right. I am being unreasonable, I know - but this is an unreasonable process. And it is not purely selfish, I am thinking about her aswell. She deserves a family who can be everything that she needs, and that family may not be ours. MAY not be ours.

I can?t look at her like a biological child, the unmentioned - she isn?t. It is not in her best interest to look at her like that - at least that?s what the adoption training have informed us. She IS adopted, and that needs to be celebrated. I may not be the right mother for her to celebrate that with.

I don?t? mean to sound closedminded, and I am genuinely listening to all of these comments and opinions, and taking them all in. I?m just trying to explain how I feel, which is impossible to explain really.

Yes but you could celebrate her being adopted whilst accepting that she is yours, forever and always - couldnt you?

Sorry if someone already picked up on this but surely a child who is the result of a sperm donor could bring the same issues out - you may look at that child and think he/she is not 'ours' or he/she is another mans child and not my DHs.
Also your DH has said he does not feel anywhere near as strong feelings for her as for his DS. So how do you know he would feel any differently about a child conceived via this route - even though you would have carried him/her.
Sorry to be so negative - just my thoughts.

I agree with whoever said you may be depressed - I took about six months to fall in love with my DS whereas it was instant with my DD and I felt awful about it but I know you cant force those feelings - but they can and do come given time and the right help and support.

I would agree with others who have said that you are probably basing this on a very idealised notion of what biological motherhood will be like.

The birth of my DS did not go as planned (last minute breech and section, BF disasterous) and I found it incredibly hard to bond with him for a very long time - literally months and months. Regularly felt like it was a mistake to have had him, was very bad at dealing with the stresses of a non-sleeper, fussy eater, etc.

However, because I didn't have any other options, I had to persevere and now, 2 years later, I feel very different. The "motherly rush" does not happen for all of us and it would be awful if you were to return this poor LO into the care system and then fail to have the kind of natural experience that you are looking for. I would give it more time and look for some professional help.

Good luck with your decision

So many posts - thank you so much. I am trying to keep up.

thumbwitch, your post has made me cry, and thank you so so much.

I am going out now, taking DD swimming - so I will post again when I return. I have so much to think about, and am so glad I posted here. Thank you

I can see the scenario - you give up YOUR DD, your DH leaves you and you never have children. That sound better.

Read Why Love Matters and get lots of counselling.

Maybe you should focus on how your DD feels about you? You are struggling with your feelings towards her, but how does she feel about you? She sees you as her mother, she loves you. She relies on you for everything. She does not know that you did not give birth to her.

I really think that you cannot return her into the system. It has been such a short time. Maybe it feels like forever for you, as you are waiting for feelings to appear, as if from nowhere.