I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

Professor I am assume you are talking to me. You can not compare an adopted child to a biological child in terms of how you feel. While they might be some parents who give their biological child up for adoption because they don't feel they can love them, it isn't really what happens.

I am not being silly and I think you need to take that back as you have completely changed what I said.

This baby has the chance of a family with some one who will love her. The OP doesn't feel she ever will and tbh the child should not be adopted by them in the hope they will grow to love her. She isn't a pet. Adoption should be what is best for the child and not the parents.

No experience of adoption.
But what you are going through is very hard. Please take some time to think.
I am so saddened at some of my feelings. I have had some awful things said to me, on MN.
Pyschologist helping me with this taboo.
Hope someone can help you too.

Part of me agrees with thisisyesterday - if you want to give her back, do it now when she is still small enough to be easily placed with another family.

I know an adoption which failed when the child was seven years old, having been adopted as a baby; imagine the fall out of that.

Nolovehere - you also say you are concerned by people looking at you and thinking that your daughter is not your real daughter. If you do give her back, then be prepared for those same people to look at you with a lot of judgement.

I think many parents whose children are adopted would be hugely insulted at the implication that their children are not loved as much as biological children. To assume that these lesser feelings are always the case is wildly ignorant.

Nolovehere,I think you are very brave to admit these feelings. I am adopted. As are my siblings. When I was little I thought it made no diference. But now I realise it does. I know my parents still think of and grieve for the children they never had. But that is ok...I also know that they love us so much.We ARE their children and they are my mum and dad. When I had DS1 my mum was so emotional...she said she had waited fourty years to cuddle this baby...and yet she found it very difficult to bond with him! Which surprised her. It took me six months to fully bond with DS1 too,but I didn't worry about it,I knew it would come.
You have a daughter.You are a mummy.These feelings and emotions can be traumatising and a difficult struggle...talk to someone-a professional.
And give it time.When she calls you mummy she will mean it,because it is true,you will be her mummy,and all she knows.
Could it be you are focusing on this child that you hope to have naturally? As we all know the human heart just expands,there is room in your heart for all your children,natural or adopted.
I love my children,but in different ways.I love my DH differently now to how I loved him after six months! There is no "timeline" as to WHEN you shold be feeling "like a mum".
Try to ease up on yourself,enjoy her,cuddle her,"act" like you think a mum would,and one day you will realise you no longer have to act to love her...

But don't keep her because you don't want the judgement.

TBH you have been very brave admitting how you feel and if you give her back you are doing the right thing for her. You can't be judged for that.

Haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to post as I am an adoptee. I think you have already had some sound advice re 'bucking your ideas up' and getting it out of your head that giving her back is an option, so I won't add to that.

I was adopted from birth and placed with my parents (I won't call them my adoptive parents- they are just my parents) at 6 weeks old. My parents then went on to have another biological child, my brother, when I was almost 3.

I can honestly, honesty say that my parents have never, ever treated me and my brother differently from day one. I can imagine that this is smomething they had to work very hard on and my dad mentionned a recently that perhaps in trying so hard to ensure that I wasn't left out in any way, it may have been my brother that was somethimes at a disadvantage, as they tried so hard to be fair to me, their adopted child.

One of your posts struck a chord with me where you said your daughter will never look like you or DH. If i had a penny for everytime my Mum and I have been told we look like each other! We don't to be honest- but the point is people see two women happy in each other's company, sharing the same mannerisms and accent, etc, and make the jump. Whenever it happens my mum and I just exchange an amused smile.

You mention celebrating her adoption- you are right about this- it shouldn't be a 'secret' int he perjorative sense that secrets can sometimes have, but equally, don't feel you need to tell everyone you meet either. She IS your daughter now, through the process of adoption, and 'people' (not that they matter anyway!) will assume that unless you choose to tell them otherwise and why would you?

My parents had an 'adoption day' for me every year on the date that i became officially theirs and I loved this as it was a day when i was made to feel special and felt like it acknoweledged that part of me but in a fun way, not a serious way. Im 28 now and my Mum still gives me a bunch of flowers every year on the date.

It sounds like one of the reasons you are experiencing difficulties at the moment is because of the contact with the birth family- as an adoptee 28 years ago, I am very glad that this wasn't an option for mat the time and TBH I have wondered at the wisdom of the letterbox scheme that is in placenow. Is this soemthign you could discuss specifically with your SW about the extent to which the channels of communication have to be left open?

OMG I can't believe the length of that post! Sorry!

If you are depressed you're probably in your own world and won't really be able to give of
yourself too much. It reminds me a bit of PND - and during those times you just have to go through the motions and give hugs when your heart's not in it.

It takes endurance - but depression does lift, and then you start to think straight again and love again. How about trying antidepressants?

I feel so sorry for this little baby. She just wants to be loved.

I don't think it is unforgivable to return a child to the care system; we don't know the details of peoples lives.

1 in 5 adoptions fail, for many reasons.

Almost all children waiting for adoption already have problems , as they are the helpless and hapless children of addicts, criminals, and the mentally ill.

As the OP is ttc, this tiny girl is in real risk of being very much second best in the family, if OP has a new baby. She would be better off as someones first priority imo.

hi nolovehere

i think you are very brave to confront your fears and what a terrible position you are all in

havent read all posts so exscuse me if im repeating,agree that even a birth mother dosent always feel "the rush"but am going against the majority by posing this ???? to you and other posters

the child is young and surley stands a much better chance of a succesful adoption if returned (prob wrong word)rather than trying to convince yourself your feelings will change and they dont,and then return a few years later isnt that much worse

secondly is it fair on the child if as the mother you are just going through the motions for years and years,the child will know as they get older,surley this is cruel in a sense and far more damaging for the child to be placed in a home where the feelings arent there,you often hear of adopted children saying they were treated different,im not saying it would be intentinal but if theres resentment this will show,is that ok on the child,i dont think so

anyway just looking at it from another tack,please get help for this and carry on being honest i applaud your honesty,and really hope things work out for you all

WTF was OP thinking? Get a baby via adoption and ttc, jesus christ. Really really stupid.

I think people who admit they are ttc are not allowed to adopt. If they change their mind though....?

I don't know anything about adopting but I do know that biology is not everything. My step dad took care of me from the age of one. I didn't see my biological dad till I was 8. My step dad had two children of his own. My step brother lived with me and my mother (his mother had severe PND and didn't bond easily with him)raised him from age 18months to age 3.

At first neither her or my dad were as close to their step children my mother tells me of how frightned she was that she was being unfair because he was not hers however after a year my mother fell pg but having to much on her plate with two children and not enough money she had to make a choice either My step brother had to back to his mum or she had to terminate. She amazed herself by terminating because she suddenly realized how much my step brother meant to her, a few months later his mother wanted him back having recovered from her PND and my mum said it was the hardest thing she has ever done to give him back to her but she had no choice even though he did not even know his mum. Yet it took over a year for her to love him the way she loved me and then there was no difference.

Because of the above situation my stepdads ex felt threatened that her son saw my mother as his mum and minimised contact. This is the thing I have always loved my step dad more than my biological dad because he was the one to care for me, support me. I also became more like him than either of his biological children we would go out, me my dad and my SB and SS and when we bumped into people they would look at me the youngest and say your 'youngest looks and acts exactly like you, I remember you as a child and everything about her is the same' and they were right I acted very like my step dad but it takes time to build any bond with children whether they are biological or adopted. One of the happiest days of my love was when my dads friend said 'your daughter is yours through and through' and my dad replied 'biologically she is not but she will always be my girl and I will always be closest to her'

Now when I met my biological dad at age 8 it took me 3 years before I bonded enough to call him dad. It is not about biology Please sto TTC and give that beautiful little girl a fair chance to win your heart, sorry this is long I just wanted you to see that biology only means as much as you make it mean HTH.

I have no experience of adoption. However, my DS was born prematurely and was in SCBU for 4 weeks. I didn't feel any great rush of love for him until we got him home. He didn't feel like he was mine until then. DH, on the other hand, has told me he fell in love the second he saw DS in the incubator.

Could it be that you are also holding back because she is still not officially 'yours'?

I think you've got a particular vision of what "bonding" means - the child is put into your arms and you burst into tears and that's it. Bonding can take more time - plenty of bio mothers take longer than six months. In my first few months as a mother, it felt similar to what you're describing - yes, goodwill and willingness to care for my DD, but as you said, not that different from what I would feel for a niece.

My DD is nearly three now, and I consider that we have a very strong bond, but there's no magic moment when it happened. But as they get older and more able to communicate with you, and you get to know their personality better, your relationship gets richer and deeper.

I'm not disagreeing with phipps and I can understand the "sooner rather than later" argument, but don't get fixated on the "motherly rush" as the only worthwhile sensation to seek out.

I have 2 children and if I am honest when I had my second it took me ages to feel love. I did love him but I know it wasn't like my first (I have never admitted this to anyone). But he grew on me and now I love them both the same. I may have had PND or something but I really felt that way. It may just be a case of giving it time. When they become toddlers they become a lot more communicative and almost demand love from you. She will start to call you mummy and then you may feel more like a mum. I love both my boys so much now and I can't believe I felt like that before. Maybe it is a case of giving it time. However, at the same time if you are serious about giving her up the sooner the better so she can be placed quickly and not remember too much.

The other thing is that your little DD has probably not had the best start in life either, so she may also have to learn how to show love and receive it.

Does that make sense? With biological mothers and babies, first of all there is nine months of being almost one person. Then when the baby is born, even though newborns and little babies can't "give" very much back, they do give something from very early on - a little smile, calming down when with mum which makes mum feel special. By the time they are 8 months babies who are lucky enough to have had a stable start in life have become quite experienced at showing love and attachment, which promotes those feelings in the mother, and so on in a virtuous circle.

Consider your situation - you have take on a baby without any of the pregnancy or the hormones that help you bond. You aren't breastfeeding, nor is your baby so tiny that you are forced to spend huge amounts of time in skin to skin contact etc.

And then consider your baby - she has had a shaky start in life, presumably she has been removed from her birth mother, and then cared for by foster parents, now she has to readjust to you. Your baby may find it difficult to know how to make you love her as she hasn't had consistency. You need to give her time to get attached to you and trust you deeply.

I really think if you think of your love as an action and care for her and show her your fondness, you will find she starts learning to get attached to you and show you her love. It will then be much easier for you to feel love for her!

You've only been together a couple of months and I would say this is nothing like long enough.

I am adopted, I have my own birth children and two placed with me through the courts.

With my birth children, I did not feel the immediate rush of love you have described. It came with time.

With the two children I am bringing up now, I have given it much thought and I cannot see a difference in my feelings. If my DS feels hurt by someone's cruelty at school, I feel pain for him and his needs come before my own. This is just a natural response to protect someone I love.

Perhaps you are seeking the impossible dream, nothing is ever perfect or as you imagine but this doesn't make you a bad person.

My adoptive parents brought me up with love and care, although my mum was always distant. This I came to realise was her personality and she did not form particularly warm or close relationships with anybody. My so called "birth" mother sadly rejected me twice over so there was little maternal bond such as you wish to experience.

I wanted to let you hear a view from someone who has experienced each perspective. I think your feelings will develop over time and to hand her back may result in deep feelings of regret you may never get over.

I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear - I am not being critical of you, just describing my own experiences.

Here is how I see it....
You couldn't have your own kids so you went for adoption. You were given a baby, and now have the possibility of your own child again, so the adopted child is suddenly second best.
Here is my opinion...
You are being incredibly selfish. You made the commitment to this child and are now backing out. You are thinking of yourself. You are using DH as an aid to this. You say he may feel the same, but having your own child with donor sperm will be no different for him.
You are treating this baby like a puppy. 'i changed my mind'! She is a living breathing human being who may not know any difference now but will grow up with this hanging over her head. I know of this happening twice. A local couple adopted an eight year old, then conceived and gave him back. This child had to live through the rejection. Also, a member of my family was adopted, was taken back by SS (not childs fault) then adopted with their siblings. This person was returned again whilst the family kept the siblings. The poor returnee is totally screwed up. They can't deal with the rejection and have real personal issues. It affects their whole life.Their circumstances are different, but your DD will have to face up to what happened in the future.
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Like my mum always told me when things haven't gone right with my own kids.. You made this decision and you have to grow a pair and deal with it. The only thing stopping you loving this child is you. The hope you may one day get a real child of your own. Well that's what you have now. A real child. Not a toy you can return because you don't want it any more.

Poor little girl, she is a person not a pair of shoes you can take back cause you don't get on with them.

Why on earth did you adopt her in the first place?
If you have a child using a sperm donor it will not be your husbands child, so how would you feel it he rejected that child as not his flesh and blood?

You've mentioned the adoption training a couple of times and it sounds like some of the messages from that weren't very helpful for you - I read loads of books and agonised over different people's views on how I should parent my DD, but no-one can really tell you the single 'right' way as there isn't one. You just take what helps and disregard what you disagree with at the moment.

Similarly, you said you spend lots of time looking at photos of her bio family. Perhaps the time for that is later - you are already (painfully?) aware that you didn't give birth to your DD, so maybe for now just focus on your family and on being and becoming a mum.
My DD is 7 months and we are still figuring out our relationship and it changes all the time.

Good luck and you sound like a lovely mum so it would be a shame for both of you if you decide to give her up.

I don't think you deserve a child, any child