to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

[catholicatheist]

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

Catholic has your DH agreed that he won't be contacting her until after the baby has arrived? Seems to be the best way to keep her away, or do you think that if you are over-due she will insist on coming down and being there to wait?

My baby is due in Dec and MIL will be here anyway (from another country) as she always planned to be here for other reasons. I have told my DH that I really do not want anyone called to inform them that I am in labour and he has agreed but I am not sure if I can really trust him not to to be honest. I doubt very much that my MIL or my mum would come to the hospital to wait but it's still a worry :(

I think you have to clearly say "no, we don't want people waiting in the waiting room. We'll both be tired and emotional, mrs X will be in pain and filthy. Please give us a few hours to get cleaned up and some sleep before we have to have visitors.
Yes, you are family but you are still a visitor. Please give us a bit of private time and space. The baby will be with us for a long time"

Yes Dueling he has agreed but she rings so much I imagine she will keep calling his mobile if she cant get us at home. Think all mobiles will have to be switched off. Its annoying really as I cant tell ANYONE now just in case she rings them and the news comes third hand as I cant risk the possibility.

Buy a cheap PAYG phone and don't give her the number.

Ten calls in one evening?
Ignoring what you say? Now you are thinking of having to turn off your mobiles and depreive yourself of the comfort of talking to other family and friends in case anythign gets back to her about you starting labour?
Never mind unreasonable, she sounds unbalanced.

It is obviously stressing you out and her behaviour is pretty much the definition of harassment now. A course of conduct causing alarm and distress.

She has no 'right' to be at your birth or to march in straight afterwards. Her behaviour is clearly distressing to you at a time when you particularly should not be stressed or distressed. It is actually likely to inhibit your ability to go into labour and to labour effectively now, since oxytoccin is suppressed by stress, adrenalin and the fear of being disturbed and harassed.

This insistence on getting her own way reminds me of a child having a tantrum and thinking that by going on and on they will win. If you give in, aren't you rewarding her unreasonable behaviour?

Nobody, adult or child should be rewarded by behaving so unreasonably and selfishly if they are old enough to understand that what they are doing is hurtful and upsetting to someone else, especially someone who deserves care and respect.

I can't see any way round this than you telling her, with your DH at your side, that she must stop pestering you and she must, must stop this. She is not to attend the birth nor is she welcome to visit until she is given the specific go-ahead by you. Not DH. You. If she wants access, she has to behave like a grownup not a brat.

As I said previously this needs to be sorted now as the midwives wont stop her coming in.

I know Miffster the really shit thing is my own mum keeps saying 'ahhh just let her wait in the waiting room, there is no harm in that, dont be mean' so now my own mother is pissing me off as she keeps saying 'is DH okay with all this'. Grrr! If it wasnt for this thread I would be thinking I am totally unreasonable and perhaps even mad!

Haven't read all the pages but I do think absolutely YANBU to not want to be swarmed by your MIL at a very private and vulnerable time.

OTOH, it is possibly U to mistake this for your MIL not caring about your rights and wishes. A lot of people make the mistake that this specific time (labour and birth) is about the baby, and not YOU then the baby, if that makes sense?

She is thinking about her son's child being born, the two grannies being there, her excitement, wanting to be there for you both, etc.

I remember my MIL with my SIL when my nephew was born saying (as we were all trying to slot in to visiting hours) 'Can we go back in again at visiting time 2?' and him saying 'I don't really know, it depends how DP is feeling and what she wants.' My MIL then said 'Just remember, he is your baby too'.

At the time, if anyone had heard her they would have done the RL version of flaming her!!! BUT I knew that she was worried about her son feeling useless after a bit of a traumatic birth, trying to keep him involved, trying her best to be involved as a grandparent and GENUINELY thought she was helping. Of course, she had overlooked the fact that my SIL is v private, pleases people all the time and wouldn't ever say she wasn't up to something.

My BIL, however, has no such issues and said 'yes, but she's the one who just had f**ing stitches in her vagina and no sleep'

She got the point! And in case you missed mine DEFO do what you want, but don't get stressed, she probably doesn't mean to make you feel that way.

Tell DH to say 'ooo we can't WAIT to see you and ds together! We are soooo excited, he will love his granny! We will be phoning you the very MINUTE catholic is ready so you have the nicest visit!' etc

Good luck! x

Wow your BIL probably realised after seeing her give birth how actually it really isnt just about the baby at first, as the mother is the one giving birth. I think this is where my problem lies. MIL is seeing it all about her GS rather than it being about me or DH even. I said to my mother when she was saying oh cant you just let her..look its not about the baby until he is here its about me for this short time at least!

Aw shit, catholic, I had only read until pg 6 before posting!
Didn't read all the other stuff!
She does seem a bit mental...

If you find it too hard to be totally direct, I would adopt my technique of smiling joyously and presuming that she thinks the same as you - works for me, as it robs them of the control thing

eg 'Oh DH thinks you will want to come to the hospital the minute I am in labour! I had such fun at his face when I expained we would prob be there for HOURS and that he has obviously has no IDEA how looooong and possibly difficult it will be, and how the hospital staff won't even let visitors in anyway! As IF anyone is going to stand around on their own in a hospital corridor - would be crazy! Ho ho ho. Aw bless, he is just sooo excited about you being one of the first people to see ds, have had to reassure him that we will be getting you in as soon as possible! Ho ho ho MEN blah blah blah'

[Inner voice: 'F*CK OFF. NOW.']

True, my inner feminist dies a little every time I employ this tactic, but the lesser of two evils, surely...?

I tried all that oh it would be silly to wait it could take hours stuff and she was very adamant no no no I had mine in fifteen minutes labour doesnt last that long! There is no reasoning with her to be honest. She cant be made to think any other way than she wants. She is a person who sees things very much in black and white.

catholicatheist I haven't read the whole thread, but you have my sympathies.

We went through this with my PiL when DD arrived. They insisted that DH should phone them when I went into labour so they could get in the car and come down, to say I was unhappy about this was an understatement! In the end, I was 2 weeks late, was induced, had a 26 hour labour and ended up with a crash section followed by 4 hours of emergency surgery under a GA. Needless to say DH DIDN'T ring them until 11pm once he knew that I was OK and they arrived 48 hours later as he said that there was no point in coming down, I wasn't allowed visitors. We had told them that I was going in to be induced but that there was no point in getting in the car because we had no idea how long things would take.

The situation was different when DS arrived, he was a ELCS and the hospital wouldn't allow visitors other than birth partners plus one other. MiL was most put out and sniffy and they eventually arrived when DS was 5 days old, despite being phoned by DH on day 2 and being asked to come earlier (we had asked for them to be allowed in as a one off). Even then she was a nightmare and basically sat in the house for 10 hours frowning at other visitors that dared to pop in.

I should have been warned really. When my nephew was born she rang us at 6am (on a Saturday) to tell us and demand that we got in the car at 8am to go and visit. I was a bit short with her on the phone and when DH rang back he did make the point that she was being slightly insensitive as we had been struggling to have a baby for 5 years.

Basically, stick to your guns! I wasn't ready to see anyone immediately after either of my 2 arrived and was glad of some time alone.

Oh my goodness fififorgot your MIL sounds very selfish! Fancy waiting the five days then just to prove a point. Yes ringing you at 6am was pretty OTT and insensitive to demand you went up there at once.

I think it sounds as if you or your husband will have to tell her that you will call her when you want her & that´s that.

Any chance that she doesn´t know which hospital you´re going to?

Catholic - Diddl has a good point. I'm in London and there's so many Hospitals I'd just lie if it was me!

No she doesnt actually and DH told her there are 'lots of womens hospitals so you wouldnt know where to go so stop complicating things because I cant pick you up' ..I dont think this went down too well. No its clear we just cant ring her to tell her until we want her up on the next train..that is quite obvious to me now as she has shown WAY too much resistance and will only ignore our wishes anyway.

If she won't be told, won't listen and wants to argue then there is the other option to deal with a tantrumming toddler: ignoring the escalating demands, holding the boundaries firmly, being the grown up, not reacting to provocation.

The broken record technique, repeating, 'we will call you when the baby is safely here and mum and baby are ready to have visitors'. Every time she rings. And saying, 'This is the 10th time you have rung; as we said earlier, we will call you when...' etc. Over and over and over again. And querying each time why she is still asking.

'I'm surprised you are still asking about this. As we said earlier, we will call you when...' etc etc etc.

Well, if the worst comes to it & she travels up before you want her, you don´t have to let her in!

I agree with Miffster though-repeat, repeat, repeat!

Just to add I had 2 really easy births-& didn´t have visitors straight away.

And looking back I´m really glad tbh.

I think that that quiet time just the three of you is still needed.

Thanks everyone! :-)

Tell her the wrong hospital. Will take her hours of rushing around desks and wards to work it out. Then flat out deny you did it afterwards. Sorted

Well, I was in labour (and hospital) for 5 days!

I agree, you need to employ the broken record technique.

"All women are different. We will call you when we are ready. As I told you last time you called."

And DO NOT let her hang around outside in the corridor. She will be in the way of the hospital, and most importantly, I don't think she will stay in the corridor or a waiting room. At this point, you will be terrified of her trying to get in.

At this point, she is subjecting you to a campaign of harassment. You won't feel comfortable having her nearby now! And that is her own fault for being a selfish brat.

Your mother isn't experiencing the harassment, so she will probably find it difficult to understand.

It is difficult to empathise with how awful such behaviour is, until you've been on the receiving end.

I wouldn't tell her the wrong hospital, but would be firm with the "we will phone you after the delivery" advice and if she keeps phoning I would tell her that I feel harassed by the number of phone calls I am receiving and that it isn't helping our relationship and can she please back off as this is a stressful time and she isn't helping, and I don't want us to fall out over this.