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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

373 replies

catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 12:09

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

OP posts:
Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 15:36

hahaha! yes! Grin

OP posts:
Katey1010 · 02/11/2010 15:38

Catholic, I have been lurking... I am in the same boat. My MIL has had opinions about; baby's name; where I deliver; when she will come; who chould be there. She left three hysterical messages on the answerphone a couple of weeks ago because we were in childbirth prep classes and thought that I must be in labour because we didn't immediately answer/call back. When DH called her back I heard him say "of course we will call as soon as Katey goes into labour". When he got off the phone I told him that no, we wouldn't. No discussion. He will not call and I don't care if he lies, or 'forgets' or whatever. His job is to support me and I won't have him calling her and her calling him during labour (and trying to turn up ASAP).

I see this as my chance to stamp DH's and my ownership on our family. We will decide about our PFB's life until s/he is old enough to have an opinion. Then, the three of us will. I know that I can spend the next two decades either having a really healthy, boundaried relationship with my (wonderful but bossy) MIL or I can stew, worry, steam and avoid. Worse for her and us.

I also agree that you could use the birth plan to your advantage BUT I really think the best thing to do is just say what is going to happen. Trying to make everyone happy makes no one happy, least of all the person who needsto be calm, centred and in control, you!

Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 15:42

Oh Katey poor you ...I hae also had the name thing by the way! Was she always bossy or has it been more so since you have been pregnant?

OP posts:
diddl · 02/11/2010 15:45

I suppose I´m struggling with the fact that a MIL would say this & mean it.

Therefore, there should be no problem with just laughing & saying "don´t be silly, of course we won´t call you when xxxx goes into labour".

Katey1010 · 02/11/2010 15:46

She was always a bit bossy and the family let her be. But, I just think there are things you can interfere about and things you can't. BTW, she dictated our wedding as well. I let her have LOADS of opinions about that because I wasn't that bothered. Good contrast to now when, no, she will not get to decide.

She tells her other children how to parent and I'm not having that.

I think she knows when I am serious because she didn't question the girl's name at all (I was absolute on that) only the boy's name (which we were not). I think they can smell fear. Grin

Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 15:47

diddl they bloody mean it alright..mine wants to know so she can get herself swiftly to the train station.

OP posts:
diddl · 02/11/2010 15:48

OP-how far away is she?

Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 15:49

About an hour on the train but then would take her about twenty mins to get to the station her side.

OP posts:
Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 15:51

katey1010 my MIL came into her own on my wedding day and bossed EVERYONE around inc my parents. I was pleased really as everyone got to see its not me who is off the wall here..!

OP posts:
diddl · 02/11/2010 15:52

So maybe a couple of hours?

So really, if she leaves as soon as baby is born, he won´t have changed by the time she gets there!

Madinitials · 02/11/2010 15:54

Catholic I really believe that you should be honest and tell MIL how it is going to be yourself and not leave it to DH. I have had a terrible relationship with PIL since the birth of DD1 just over a year ago and things may have improved if I had not left it up to DH to sort it out. I was always of the "you deal with your parents and I'll deal wtih mine" notion but this had got us nowhere as things have just recently blown up due to DH pussyfooting around them and being afraid to tell them like it is.

I too had my mother and DH as my birth partners and was so glad I did. It was a 24-hour extravaganza and once DD1 had arrived and I was cleaned and stitched up, DM requested that my father collect her as she was exhausted. PIL managed to arrive on maternity ward before we did, MIL threw a gift bag at me and scooped my sleeping DD1 up and proceeded to hold her for over two hours whilst I cried from exhaustion and general pissed-offness at their assumption that I did not need to bond with my newborn.

Appletrees I feel just like you in that I feel that DC2, who is due in the New Year will be "my" one, due to PIL trying to take over DD1 from the moment she arrived. Never again.

ReformedCharacter · 02/11/2010 15:55

My MIL viewed the impending arrival of DS as the birth of HER GS. The fact that I was going to be doing the birthing and that I would be DS's mother probably didn't register at all. It was ALL about her!

Still pisses me off 8 years later.

It makes me so cross that ANYBODY feels entitled to access a labouring woman/new mum's personal space. The wishes of the mother should be all that matters in these circumstances.

Katey1010 · 02/11/2010 15:56

I win! I ended up organising THREE different weddings because she didn't like the first two options. Luckily, it was fun to play at organising them. She almost sent DH over the edge, though. Inviting people without asking and so on. We were paying BTW.

She is lovely but crazy. That is what saves my relationship with DH. We agree that all four parents are insane but much loved and need to be mamaged. That way, it is not me having a go at his mother. I always add, "Oh, but my Mum is worse" or similar.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2010 15:56

I would also agree with this earlier comment:-

"Nip this in the bud now or prepare to face a lifetime of misery with demanding inlaws and a feckless/gutless husband. I wouldn't bother with any of the excuses, a simple no should suffice".

Your H needs to grow a spine, problem he has (and it is no excuse) is that having been conditioned to a lifetime of his mother's ways he thinks that her way is not beyond the "normal".

Both of you need to put firm boundaries in place now with regard to his Mum because you will otherwise have problems with her later on in all sorts of ways you cannot yet imagine.

If, like many people, you have yourself come from a family where such types of familial dysfunction are unknown, then it is doubly difficult to deal with. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 16:03

To be honest I am that worried about the future I think she does need to realise I am not going to let her trample all over me. I can imagine her taking the baby off me and holding him for hours etc not respecting that he needs to bond with his mother..ie not her! I think it will all end in me speaking to her in a way she wont like because she refuses to take 'no' said in a nice way, as an answer. I just wish DH wasnt such a shit bag..his idea is just ignore her and it will all go away, but I do feel that is a bit mean on her and actually has probably what has really contributed to her current madness.

OP posts:
Chandon · 02/11/2010 16:05

I agree with Madininitials.

You must be be very polite, and also determined.

Be honest with her in a nice way.

Katey1010 · 02/11/2010 16:07

Now is the time. You will never have a better chance to let her know that you are making the decisions about your family.

Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 16:09

I know I feel that it is Katey, which also adds pressure really as if she gets away with it now I am (as so many have said) in for a lifetime of it!

OP posts:
diddl · 02/11/2010 16:10

I do get that she is worried about not seeing baby much as you are her DIL.

Mine said as much to me.

Both sets of parents were about an hour away.

Mine visited every week & I offered ILs the same.

But no, they only wanted to be around when husband was alsoHmm

So, instead of seeing GC every week, it was every three!Confused

QueeferSutherBANG · 02/11/2010 16:18

Catholic, I am a receptionist in a labour ward, and it is part of our job to firmly resist Mils, overbearing mothers, and drug dealers/pimps from disturbing the ladies.

It's staggering how many relatives expect the husband to come to the phone for an update while their wife is in established labour.

We will spin bullshit if necessary to keep them away, if that is your wish.

I'd tell dh if he's going to phone her, you won't tell him when you go into labour.

Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 16:25

quefersutherBANG..ah god how I laughed MIL in the same category as drug dealers and pimps..

Good to know that though! Thanks very much!

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 02/11/2010 16:27

QueeferSutherBANG do they (The MILs, pmps and drug dealers) call the hospital demanding to know what is happening!

blueberrysmoothie · 02/11/2010 16:27

I think the main problem lies with DH. He needs to start seeing the two of you and the baby as one unit, and he needs to prioritise that unit over the demands of his mother. He is a husband and is shortly to be a father, and those roles bring responsibilities to you and the baby. If you present a united front, MIL will have to back off or risk alienating you all. She can only interfere as far as he lets her.

Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 16:33

blueberry you are quite right!

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 02/11/2010 16:33

I think that part of the problem here is that the DH really does have no idea about what will happen during labour and delivery. My DH went to all the classes, but was horrified surprised to find how little it had really prepared him.

Perhaps you could ask him to imagine that he is really constipated, and goes to the toilet to force out a poo. And then he finds out that your Mum is outside the door. And she starts banging on the door and asking him how it's going and when is he going to be finished because she needs to go. And then ask him how easy it would be for him to push out one tiny little poo with an audience hanging around outside. And then point out that you will be pushing out a baby.

The other problem is, of course, that your MIL is a loon.