Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

373 replies

catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 12:09

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

OP posts:
alfabetty · 02/11/2010 07:54

Penguin, I agree - come back in 3 years OP, when you have another child, your own mother is on holiday or under the weather, and you have something you need to do and you can't take the DCs. Let's hope your MIL is willing to accept a temporary relaxation of the 'boundaries'.

You are not training a dog - show her some respect and understanding, and you're much more likely to get that back in return. What she is doing is based on love and excitement - you said yourself she was 'fine' and totally 'normal' before you were pregnant. It will all settle down, you're having a completely normal feeling of possessiveness of your baby and the need to do it your way without interference. All absolutely normal.

But just recognise that your reactions will be more extreme at this time, and in dealing with your MIL, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Calm assertiveness and explanation (communication!!) goes a lot further than hostility and aggression. For your own good, don't let misunderstandings fester and escalate.

Good luck.

DuelingFanjo · 02/11/2010 08:08

"And other posters don't be so quick to judge about the cleaning" some of us just aren't that houseproud to start with Wink I know that if someone offered to cook and then wash up I would be gratful but if they wanted to set my house straight then I would feel really annoyed.

As for remembering that onoe day I will be a MIL. When I am I definitely won't be offering to clean houses or trying to force myself into the hospital uninvited. Basically it's polite to wait to be invited rather than to assume it's just ok to say you're coming.

femalevictormeldrew · 02/11/2010 08:42

Queenofthenight:

"I appreciated that they wanted to meet the new arrival but it was like some hideous suprise party where the main guest had been
kidnapped"

I'm sorry for laughing at your misery, but that gave me the first giggle of the day

Appletrees · 02/11/2010 09:27

Your reactions aren't extreme, Catholic -- see, it's already started! As in, what's the matter with you, not wanting your mother in law outside when you give birth, or at home when you arrive, or cleaning your house when you're not there? !!!

It's not normal to want to do these things, it's normal to not want them done to you, and it's HER who should be showing respect and understanding and not treating you like a possession to have her way with.

In three years time your relationship will be a lot better if you make clear now how things are going to be.

EldritchCleavage · 02/11/2010 10:34

I'm with lisianthus.

My late MIL was kind, reasonable and completely sensible. She enjoyed her first grandchild enormously without ever feeling the need to take over. Because she never elbowed me out, I in turn trusted her as completely with my DS as I did my own mother.

I do of course see why it is more difficult with a MIL. I am quite able to put my own mother in her place when she gets annoying but I knew my MIL so much less well it would have been difficult to do with her. That's when DHs have to step up. DH calls me in when he feels a bit invaded by my parents and I manage it. He does the same for me with FIL.

Catholic's problem is that her MIL is not really concerned to abide by her wishes over the birth (which is completely unreasonable) and her DH is not stepping in to deal with it, he's doing the opposite. That doesn't make catholic unreasonable or precious or unfair to her MIL, as one or two posters have implied.

tattycoram · 02/11/2010 10:37

You need to put your foot down. It's not as though the relationship won't be affected if you say nothing, you will feel resentful for a looooong time. My relationship with my MIL was awful after the birth of DS1 - it's just getting better nearly four years on.

peggy0062 · 02/11/2010 10:43

Do what you think is best for you.

Remember that when you are more relaxed labour is supposed to be less painful!
Good luck :)

Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 11:06

Thanks everyone. I spoke to DH last night told him he needs to be sorting this out as I am very stressed about it and its making me feel nervous already. He said 'you will get your way anyway so dont worry about it'...as if I ought to feel grateful. I think he cant see it as its his mother and he feels I am attacking her. But the sad thing is if she wasnt so bossy and demanding approaching us as if we were teenagers, then we would be trying our best to involve her. Behaving like this means all I want to do is keep her at arms length. I am of the view that the first few weeks of DS's life are going to be the time when I have to make it clear that I wont be told how to bring him up.

OP posts:
eastegg · 02/11/2010 11:17

This woman is crazy! I can't believe she is suggesting this as someone who has actually given birth herself. I know people with their first baby who've been in and out of hospital for days, not sure whether they're in labour or not. And as I'm sure you know, established labour can go on for some time... but hopefully won't for you. What on earth is she planning on doing?

I don't think most hospitals actually allow much hanging around if you're not an actual birth partner. You could use this if you want to soften the blow, although personally I think that as this is a lifelong relationship (sadly)boundaries need to be set sooner rather than later and I would just say 'this is my first child, I don't quite know what to expect but general medical opinion seems to be that it will be a bit harder and less predictable than having my appendix out. Would you mind terribly if we called when we're ready?'. Good luck with the birth.

diddl · 02/11/2010 11:33

OP, I´m confused now.

I thought your husband was OK with his mum not being there?

Or is it that he is, but doesn´t want to tell her?

I think even those of us who are trying to see her side agree that she shouldn´t be there whilst you are giving birth.

And not even outside the door waiting to see baby straight away.

I had easy births-but still didn´t see parents until I felt up to it.

wouldliketoknow · 02/11/2010 11:34

catholic, i think the best think to do is to go for a coffee with your mil and express your concerns, reassure her that she will be very involved in the life of her grandchild, when you are ready, and that you will be counting on her for much needed advice and babysitting, later on...if you put her mind at rest that she won't be kept apart, she might relax a bit... and let her help with the things you are comfortable with. ideas : she can start cooking meals to freeze, so the first couple of weeks you have food at home that you can just microwave, this will be of great help for you, and will make her feel she is doing something important, or washing the baby clothes ready for when he arrives, or any other thing you can think of.

you can tell me to go away of course, but...

Appletrees · 02/11/2010 11:42

sorry but "you will get your way" is a pathetic way to respond -- already trying to make it look like you're having a tantrum

he is being a bit of a nob about this, i know you love him but this is nobby

controlfreakery · 02/11/2010 11:45

some people aren't reasonable thhough. the worst thing about MILs behaving like this is that it is all at a time when you are absolutely least eqipped to deal with it.

I was so so very upset with my dh after ds1's birth for letting her behave like this towards us all without firmly stepping in and putting me and ds1 first. she was so intrusive, offensive and frankly bonkers that it was unbearable and I lost respect for him allowing this to happen.

those of you blithely saying "oooh be kind, you'll be a MIL one day" have clearly never been on the receiving end of a rampaging MIL with no idea of appropriate boundaries.

JamieLeeCurtis · 02/11/2010 11:48

... no, that is very true, but I did notice that there were quite a few assumptions projections about this MIL going on well before the OP had said very much about her at all

diddl · 02/11/2010 11:53

I´m not sure that meeting her would work as she sounds too much of a bully.

OP-is your husband likely to phone her when you go into labour?

DuelingFanjo · 02/11/2010 11:56

...and it's not even that MILs are rampaging, just the very notion of anyone telling a soon to be new mum that they will be doing this that or the other, rather than asking if it's ok, is ridiculous!

Even my own mum would piss me off if she said 'I am coming to the hospital as soon as you are in labour' but the thing is I would feel so much more comfortable saying to my own mum 'oh no you're not' than I would to my MIL.

Catholic's Dh should be the one saying 'oh no you're not!' to his own mother.

controlfreakery · 02/11/2010 12:00

of course catholic's dh should be kindly but firmly telling her that she needs to respect catholic's wishes and feelings... but the real problem here is a combination of an intrusive MIL and a dh who is not seeing his wife's wishes and feelings as his priority / doesn't agree with her wishes / doesnt want to or is unable to have a direct talk with his mother.

Appletrees · 02/11/2010 12:04

those of us with rampaging mils can see the signs

op didn't have to give too much detail but it wasn't in the least bit surprising to many posters how bad the mil turned out to me

i can spot passive aggression and narcissistic helpfulness a mile off Grin

diddl · 02/11/2010 12:05

My husband has been known to give into his motherHmm, although not to my detriment.

But tbh if she had mentioned being there whilst I was in labour, he would have laughed at her!

Appletrees · 02/11/2010 12:06

in other words Jamie they weren't assumptions they were inferences

if you've never experienced it, you have NO idea

diddl · 02/11/2010 12:09

TBH, thinking on & grudgingly giving MIL a little credit, I think it would only have occurred to her to ask about it if husband had put the idea to her.

controlfreakery · 02/11/2010 12:13

oh appletrees, sounds like we're both still deeply scarred more than a decade later! want to form a support group? we could share competitive MIL stories... "No mine was worse than that" "No mine was the maddest.." etc...

feeling v sad reading this thread. am suprised how close to the bone this still feels for me.

Appletrees · 02/11/2010 12:16

Smile I am very bitter. I had my second son very quickly so I could have "one of my own" -- that's how bad it was. Sorry you've been through it too.

controlfreakery · 02/11/2010 12:17

i wouldn't assume idea started with dh for a minute.
my dh didn't tell mil about my labour (despite her demands that he would) but she turned up at the hospital anyway and stayed there for more than 12 hours. my own mum wasn't there. after 5 mins alone with dh and ds1 (after 18 hours labour, ventouse, stitches) she barged into the room waving a giant toy giraffe and trying to grab the baby literally from my arms.

AAAAAAAAGH! and breathe.

controlfreakery · 02/11/2010 12:19

sending you empathic vibes too appletrees.

it's funny but it was ds1 MIL was OBSESSED with. had ds2 20 months later and she was a bit "meh" about him. that made me even crosser if anything!