to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

[catholicatheist]

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

god how do they imagine it's acceptable!

on the day no 3 was born, we got home at seven, they arrive at eight and I was making tea for them while dh took photos of her and the baby -- they had on their best clothes for the purpose and posed as if in a studio

did it make things difficult between you and dh?

If it helps any, I have this problem with my Dad (who I've never really got on with). He is very intrusive at the best of times. I've told him, and told him.... and told him. It's not his first GC - sis has a son but lives overseas.
I don't think it's really a MIL issue, it's an issue of boundaries.
I'm going to try and make a big fuss of Dad to make him feel needed/special, take him for lunch or whatever and explain to him then that I won't be having any visitors at all until a few days after the birth. No idea if it will work or not, but seems the best plan.

yes.. have been accused of paranoia, iversensitivity, had huge rows ..it's ok now but only when I started comparing my family's treatment of him, which is respectful, thoughtful, non interfering, not pushy but always tremendously kind -- then it started to sink in

Appletree - yes, the fact that the assumptions seem to have been proven right does undermine my argument somewhat .

in other words Jamie they weren't assumptions they were inferences

if you've never experienced it, you have NO idea

sorry, my last post was replying to this one of yours, Appletrees

I guess the thing to ask is whether anyone has had visitors at the birth who weren't birth partners and didn't feel stressed out by them. Take the MIL-ness out of the equation.

That said, OP, you know what has to be addressed either by your DH or by you to your MIL (I'd almost think best coming from you as messages to my MIL that travel via DP always seem to get sugar coated and toned down). Then she knows where she stands and isn't trying to use your DH as a lever to get to be at the hospital with. All my wishes regarding birth and DS' upbringing have been ignored by my PIL, because I think I didn't say them enough times, or in a forceful enough way. They like to laugh at my 'crazy ideas' in a "well OK little girl, you say that, but we will just do what we like" manner.

So good luck to you, may you do better than I (and others here) managed! Enjoy your birth and your baby, do it your way!

I had the exact same thing with my MIL, who actually insisted in being present in the delivery suite while I was being induced.

I was on very good terms with her at the time, and had willingly agreed to have her there to help support the DH as we were told it could be a difficult birth, and as she wanted to be there when her 1st grandson was born, and had been with her other DIL for 2 of her births.

However in practice, it was incredibly stressfull, she had to keep being asked to leave the room while I had x y z done/was examined and I felt incredibly embaressed and self concious at a time when you're trying to be relaxed as possible.

(only in this sense) I was thankfully I had a VERY long labour and she had to leave before I went fully into the 2nd stage - she missed the main event by a few hours.

TBH IMO having anyone there other than your birth partner is a no-no, and most hospitals won't allow visitors until you're in a ward and then only in fixed visiting hours. Would you want her there for an internal exam?

If you or DP aren't happy to tell her you don't want her there until you're ready, then play the card of no visitors/hospital policy.

What I did, in the aftermath when she wanted to come first thing the next day, (along with the 12-15 other members of DH family) was play the visiting hours card and then say that there was no point coming to the hospital at all as we'd be discharged at lunchtime (again I think you're pretty much in, have baby go home at lunchtime in most places) and that it'd be nicer to have them come to us at home that evening.

If she want's to feel special/involved, let her be the first visitor - or in our case just tell her she is and agree to keep it that way

And I may be bucking convention but if you don't want her there, why don't you say so - it then avoids you DP having to deal with any emotional blackmail argument from her over it as at the emd of the day it's your baby and your birth

Tell your MIL that your mother is not getting preferential treatment. Your mother is not there in her capacity of future grandmother, she is there as your birth partner.

Until you are ready for visitors your MIL will have to wait.

I would imagine your mum will leave you and DH shortly after the baby arrives anyway so that you get bonding time, so your mum will not be getting a long super early visit.

Agree that "you will get your way" is a very passive aggressive way of saying "I think you are being unreasonable but will give in to you although I think you are wrong".
I would get angry if anyone spoke to me like that.

I don't know, I think I'd just say "Yes, I will get my way" i.e. I'm not remotely embarrassed or guilty about it. Nowhere for the passive-aggressive to go with it after that.

Yes I agree, Rebecca.

It does sound as if he thinks OP will be "unreasonably" getting her way.

haha I did say that ..I said 'yes your effing (by this point I am on the verge of tears) right I will get my way as its not about your mum its about me and what I want and you need to realise that'. He knows if he messes up here he will have to hear about it forever more and at the end of the day its me he lives with day to day so probably best to piss his mother off than his hormonal wife. The way it was said did infer I was being unreasonable but ultimately I will just have to live with that and hopefully at the birth he will realise that it really wouldnt have been appropriate for his mother to be lurking behind the door.

tis ok jamie ..I do express myself pretty strongly I know!

when it comes to interference and passive aggression, forewarned is forearmed and I see this as my bounden duty to all mothers to be

finding yourself stressed, unhappy, pushed around and doubting your own ability is a very bad place to be when you are about to give birth or are a new mum

even worse, encouraging the person closest to you and the baby the father the person who should be the most supportive of all to argue with his partner, negotiate, carry messages, doubt, question and accuse her well.. I'm sorry but bring on the pitchforks

josiemoo..how is your MIL now after the little one has been born?

catholic I want to slap them both

does that feel better?

I'm fairly sure my hospital is quite strict about how many people can wait around (again no waiting room) and limits the number of people at the birth to one.

Perhaps tell her this is the case at the hospital where you are. My sister lives very close and is also a bit overexcited and wants to be called as soon as labour begins/C-section is planned (I may have to have an elective ).

Am 18+1 and this is my first too. To be frank the only person I want to be there is DP, these things are stressful enough without knowing people are hanging around and waiting.

Yes..lol. I just dread what is to come I really do! At least she doesnt live round the corner..if she ever decided to move to where we lived I would fuck right off at once as I know I couldnt handle it. A lot of people have said about her parenting must be ok as she parented DH but actually her other son is a far cry from parenting gone well!

Living round the corner isn't too bad if MIL and FIL are nice (mine are). As DP only has one sister and two brothers I have a feeling his mum would LOVE to be more hands on (we live close but I never get to see them as DP has always been a bit weird about things like that).

I can tell that she's always holding herself back on talking about baby stuff so I give her a prompt to say it's ok. DP would be the one telling her a firm 'NO' if she wanted to actually be there at the birth. His reluctance to let me spend time with his family has its rewards!

Your MIL sounds so self-centred!

DH could just say "obviously I'm not going to ring while darling catholic is in labour as I will be doing my duty as her husband etc. because I have been so well brought up.. but dear Mumsy, we will call you as soon as we have the happy news."

If she objects, perhaps he can remind her that this is not a grandparenting competition. It would be good if you start on the right footing and don't let MIL set the rules/boundaries.

Catholic, are you wanting to breast feed your baby?
And is your MIL supportive of this?
Because if you are, and she is, you probably know already about the importance of the nurturing hormone oxytocin, and how the mother and baby straight after birth, skin to skin, nuzzling and nursing, looking into each other's eyes in the first few hours are engaged in producing this hormone - and how stress, intrusion, embarrassment suppress the production of it.

Therefore there is an important physiological reason for your MIL to not be there after birth, and for you and your DH to be left alone awash with this loving, bonding hormone post birth that will help you bond as a family.

She may not know about all this stuff about the crucial importance of hormones, but if you could get the info to her, and she (or your DH) are the sort of people who respect science and medical info, it might provide scientific back up for her (and your DH) to demonstrate that your instincts are not just you being wilful and getting 'your way' - but very powerful, totally accurate, natural hormone-driven mothering instincts which are 100% spot-on and ought to be respected.

Here's some info in case you want it

good luck

"who actually insisted in being present in the delivery suite while I was being induced"

How anyone can think it's right to insist on thi is beyond me!

Milffster..yes I plan to breastfeed. My mother breastfed me until I was nearly three (only night feeding for last two years) which my MIL has made faces about. I plan to breastfeed the baby until I go back to work so for the first year. I was aware of the oxytocin in terms of it keeping the labour progressing and that it was important for breast feeding but I hadnt actually thought that this was perhaps the underlying biological reason for me just wanting us there and no outsiders..but of course it makes perfect sense! I am going to hit DH with this thanks!

hmm interesting too Miffster

'It seems that usually, when a woman was giving birth in such societies, her own mother, an aunt, or another experienced mother in the neighbourhood was around, protecting the environment against the presence of a wandering animal or a wandering man. This is probably the root of midwifery'.

It should say 'wandering animal, wandering man...or over-excited bossy Mother In law'