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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

373 replies

catholicatheist · 01/11/2010 12:09

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

OP posts:
Original poster
catholicatheist · 02/11/2010 16:36

Mrstitllemouse..I like that comparison! I will use it and add in..and my mother wants to come in after you have had the poo while you are trying to wipe your back side.

OP posts:
Cyclebump · 02/11/2010 16:46

Hahahahahahahahaha! Am sooooo going to use that example when the time comes. Hahahahahahahaha!

Fibilou · 02/11/2010 18:16

My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time (we gave birth within 24 hours), MIL said to me "Claire is going to ring me as soon as she goes into labour, you will do the same won't you".

I said "No, we are not telling anyone until after the baby is born, sorry !". I then made it quite clear the subject was not up for discussion. You may well have to do the same

Fibilou · 02/11/2010 18:18

Sorry I meant to say that I think the only way that you will be able to deal with this is to say very clearly to both your DH and MIL that she is not going to be there. End of chat.

hugglymugly · 02/11/2010 19:10

I really don't understand the sense of entitlement that some people have - in my case it was my mother.

Back when my first DC was born, in the 1970s, the custom was that first-time mums and babies stayed in hospital for ten days. Visiting in the evening was for fathers only - for other visitors it was two people only on Saturday and Thursday afternoons. Before my DC1 was born, I told my mother that I wanted my PILs to visit first, because (a) my PILs had been longing for grandchildren for years (my DH's much older brother had been married for over a decade by the time DH and I married, but had no children); and (b) my DC1 wasn't my parents' first grandchild, as my sister had her first DC just six weeks before me, and our parents were the first to visit my sister and baby. My mother was not at all pleased and I never knew if she actually understood my reasons - but she had a habit of only seeing things from her point of view.

It doesn't matter too much whether it's a MIL or DM or whoever - you are the one giving birth and you have the highest priority. Everyone else comes second. Your DH needs to "cowboy up" and be prepared to lay the ground-rules right from the beginning, otherwise this is going to be an issue that could go on for years.

wouldliketoknow · 03/11/2010 07:52

i kinda have the same problem in a different way, we live in a different country than the family, so when we first visit with the baby, 4 mo, family was over him and i felt a bit push apart, my dada il hoovers around when i am trying to get the baby to sleep during the day and, eventually ask, is he asleep? if the answer is no then he picks him up and totally wake him...!, also he cried once at 3 in the morning, suddenly 4 people were in my room to see what happened...

you can't blame them for being excited, if you have a problem with something they do, tell them, but give them an alternative so they don't feel push out,
we are going back in a couple of months, and i can tell you i am ready for them taking him for walks, entertaining him while i do my studing and baby sitting when we want to go out by ourselves, ... does that mean i have to take the hoovering? yes, it does.

catholic, i really don't know what the solution is for your situation but i do hope you can find a balance you can take as i did.

plupervert · 03/11/2010 08:30

Oh, that everyone-in-the-room-to-see-why baby-is-crying-in-the-middle-of-the-night thing drives me mad, wouldliketoknow.

DuelingFanjo · 03/11/2010 08:33

Apparently - my DH's mum recently told my SIL that when she hears a baby cry she wants to steal the baby and try to breastfeed it herself! This is, I assume, a joke but another reason why I have specified no overnight stays after the birth!

racetobed · 03/11/2010 08:50

personally, i would tell your dh that unless he promises faithfully NOT to call his mother until the baby is 2 hours old AT THE VERY EARLIEST, you will just have your mum as your birht partner, as he cannot offer you the support you need.

,

wouldliketoknow · 03/11/2010 10:23

they are just terribly exited and worried, i am a first time mum, i my mil is supermum, lots of tips and advise, all the time

EdgarAirbombPoe · 03/11/2010 12:15

DF that's a rather worrying 'joke'...

the problem is that saying that kind o thing is an indication of their real feelings, een if it is not something they'd be barmy enough to do.

LittleMissHissingFirecracker · 03/11/2010 12:19

DF, I know of a MIL that ACTUALLY did this!

it was to ensure that a - what she perceived as lower class family to her own - would not marry into hers.

JosieMooo · 03/11/2010 13:15

catholicatheist She's a besotted Nanny boardering on being Obsessed with him a bit..
He's the only grandson and the son of the favorite child Hmm

She hasn't been supportive of my breastfeeding or much else for that matter - but that's a whole AIBU thread in itself Wink

Thankfully I am a bolshie cow, as she immediately stated that she wants to be there for the whole thing if we have another, and I have said in no uncertain terms that it's not a possibility, as she'll be looking after DS in order to keep her as far away as possible to stop her interfereing or being a dramallama busy

I've only had chance to skim read some of the other posts but I definately echo it coming from the mum to be not the DH, and the importance of it being just you, your DP and a birth partner if it's not your DP, for reasons others have mentioned

MoJangles · 04/11/2010 10:03

Been watching this thread with massive interest! I'm due in 2.5 weeks and while no-one in my family is such a shocker as some of the eg's on here (hugs to you all, can't believe what some of you have had to put up with), I do have some very excited rellies who can't be relied on to understand boundaries, and have been worrying about some of these very things. My DM lives abroad and has already said she'll come and stay to hold the baby while I get on with things. Not too worried about this as a) I can tell her that it'll be the other way round, and b) she's partly saying it as a demo of support and love for the baby. MIL lives about 20 mins away and while she's been great and super-supportive, we don't speak each other's language in terms of negotiating boundaries and expectations, and she will expect to be waiting at the hosp (not in the delivery suite though!) while I'm in labour. I suggested to DH a few weeks ago that we shouldn't tell PIL when it starts 'as they'll only worry' but he's not keen - reading this has made me resolve to get a decision on this one as I know he won't be able to defend me from them if they arrive.

Really good luck Catholic!

Original poster
catholicatheist · 04/11/2010 11:51

mojangles I am glad this thread has been of use to you! Yes dont leave anything to chance that could potentially upset things when you need to be at your most relaxed! Good Luck and do let me know how you get on. x

OP posts:
2rebecca · 04/11/2010 12:09

With my first I was induced so everyone knew I was going into hospital and had been tol "we'll phone you" plus we didn't carry mobiles in those days. With the second it didn't occur to us to tell relatives when I went into labour.
I felt exhausted and grubby after labour. I don't get the panic some older relatives have for seeing babies the instant they pop out.

When my SIL was pregnant the family got asked not to phone her asking if she'd had any twinges, and my brother was firmly "we'll tell you when the baby has arrived"
Quite right too.
Am amazed some husbands don't understand this.
We treated both sets of parents the same though, although if I had wanted my mum there I doubt my MIL would have had a tantrum, as it was they saw them both first as they live nearer and my MIL didn't work unlike my parents.

Original poster
catholicatheist · 04/11/2010 12:14

I know mobile phones do have their down sides that's for sure!

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diddl · 04/11/2010 15:28

"although if I had wanted my mum there I doubt my MIL would have had a tantrum"

I also didn´t have my mum there-probably just as well.

My MIL thought that she was the most important grandmother as my mum already had a grandchildHmm.

So, if my mum had been there, goodness knows what she would have been trying for to "trump" that.

As it was my first was born v. early.
My parents came immediately "just in case".
ILs the next day as she couldn´t face it straight away.

Husband virtually had to drag her into the room saying that no, he didn´t look like anything unrecgogisableConfused, just a very tiny baby.

It was, of course, all about herHmm.

Me, hold a grudge-no-he´s still only a teenagerGrin

Original poster
catholicatheist · 04/11/2010 16:16

omg that is awful the unrecognisable thing she said!

OP posts:
diddl · 04/11/2010 16:21

Yes, odd!

I know compared to many she has led a "sheltered life".

But she reads papers, watches the news-you´d think she would have an idea of what a prem baby would look like!

There was also the underlying implication that I had done it deliberately to upset her.

(Oddly, I was also prem, therefore my mum & I had "been through it" & were "better able to cope", although I will say that I don´t actually remember my time in an incubator!)

Original poster
catholicatheist · 04/11/2010 16:23

Gosh diddl she sounds a bit mental! Had a prem baby to upset her! Yikes..that is a seriously self involved person!

OP posts:
diddl · 04/11/2010 16:26

Yes, it´s all about her!

We are abroad & she´s always going on about missing the children, but in 10yrs has never been over!

To coin a phrase "go figure"!

storminabuttercup · 04/11/2010 16:46

I gave birth ten weeks ago and mil insisted on being texted with updates every half hour. And it was a long labour. I wish she'd never been told I was in labour as she was texting oh constantly.
In the end, my mum who was fantastic, texted her as they rushed me down to theatre saying 'storm has had to go into theatre, things aren't going great but she's in good hands blah blah blah' (my brother died being born due to complicated and extended second stage so mum was petrified when my labour got dicey)
Mil replied 'ok, look after my son!'
Which kind of proves that mil's dont always think of the mum to be in these situations.

2rebecca · 04/11/2010 16:50

I'd have got husband to tell her he can't use mobile in hospital and is busy and made him turn it off.
Would have been highly pissed off if my husband had been texted his mum instead of looking after me.
Insist your husbands leave their phones at home women!

Original poster
catholicatheist · 04/11/2010 17:16

omg storm..your MIL said look after my son! why at what point was he having major surgery! Ah that says it all! I bet you were livid!

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