to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

[catholicatheist]

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

OP-hope you are starting to feel less stressed.

Did anything get resolved?

No MIL hasnt rung for a few days..which is very odd actually. DH has promised he wont ring her and will do as I ask at all times during labour, which I know he will. I am less stressed about this issue but I am still stressed thinking about the birth..my baby is back to back and I was hoping for an easy birth..lol

Oh catholic I could write a book on the stuff she's done and said. I'd love to see my mum's reply.
Put your mil to the back of your mind, this is your time to relax and sounds like your dh will support you. Good luck with the birth. :-)

This is your birth, your baby and your body - you do not have to be dictated to by ANYONE.
Put on your birth plan that you need your DH to be there for you and NO-ONE else.
The hospital cannot have a MIL going all Rita Hayworth on them - check their policy on unwanted visitors and have a word with the midwife at hospital.
Midwives can be great at adhering strictly to hospital policy when they need to - remember, they won't be dominated by any bombastic MIL, they're on YOUR side.
Good Luck!

I remember begging DH not to call MIL when I was in labour - she too was excited and had asked him to ring when things got going so that she could make plans to come down. I was feeling particularly anxious as we were planning a homebirth and so no hospital protocols to keep her away.

I honestly think she had forgotten what it was like to have a baby! And I think for her she had (undiagnosed) PND and felt that she was providing support.

In the end she came down when DS was 4 days old and that was soon enough!

God there is no way I could keep mine away for four days! Wild horses would not keep her away! You did well! I would love it if I thought I could have four days.

I´ve been reading this I thinking "maybe my MIL isn´t so bad"

Then I remember that she phoned my mum after we had decided to get married to say that her son "didn´t have a bad bone in him" & that she was worried I would hurt him.

We were in our 30s

Why did he want to move abroad??!!

Sorry, OT, but just thought I´d slip that in!

Catholic: I have read this thread through my fingers. I really don't envy you and I agree that you have to nip this in the bud, yourself if you can as your DH is clearly not stepping up to the mark. Your situation is uncannily the same as mine was. Things are much better now but I did have a nightmare struggle of control and psycho behaviour for 2 years.

My MIL is irish-catholic mother of 4 boys, of which DH is the eldest. DD (now 4) was her first grandchild and most definitely the daughter that she never had. I too heard conversations between DH and MIL with regards to her travelling down for the birth (she is in liverpool and us in london). However DD came 5 weeks early so she surprised us all. We were in the process of moving out of London into a house when DD made her appearance. We had to stay in hospital for a few weeks after so DH moved with the help of our families while we were in hospital. This meant that I had to come home with DD to a new house that my MIL had not only seen before me but had cleaned and placed all the furniture in. I was obviously grateful for their help but it made me feel like I wasn't the master of my own home. And this pretty much set the tone of our relationship after that.

MIL would descend on us whenever she felt like it and stay for a week at a time. I used to say to DH that it was my house and that she couldn't just come when she felt like it, that she at least had to ask. But he could never see my problem and would say that I was ungrateful. But the worst thing was how she was with DD. Intense is not the word. I caught her referring to herself as Mummy on quite a few occassions. She used to take her off for walks and be gone for hours. She always wanted time with DD on her own and I was basically pushed out of the picture, I think because my presence spoiled her being able to play Mummy. I remember once when she was visiting I was going to bed and went in to DD's room to check on her only to find MIL sat at the end of the cot, in the dark, staring at her. When we went to visit them in Liverpool one time (DD was about 5 months) she had set the travel cot up in her room instead of ours, saying that it was so that we could have a lie-in. I think DH realised that her behaviour was psycho and not on but he would always get defensive about it when I tried to talk to him.

Eventually another grandchild came along, and then DS came along. So her behaviour was diluted somewhat. She is not nearly as intense with DS as she was with DD. Although she still came to stay two days after we came back from hospital with DS and stayed for over a week which meant that she was here for the entire time of DH's paternity leave.

Things are much better now. Although we do still have the odd little incidents. Last year I had to tell MIL why it was utterly inappropriate for her to go and get our dirty washing from our wash basket in our bedroom and put it in the wash. She thinks she's being helpful and doesn't realise that she is overstepping boundaries.

Sorry this has turned into an essay! But I really do think that you need to knock this on the head now. It will only get more intense once LO is born. And I know it's tough but I think you need to do this. YOur DH sounds just like mine and he just won't stand up to her.

Good luck, hope you get the birth you wish for!

Even at 4 days I found myself hiding under the duvet sobbing on the phone to my mum. I had been sent upstairs for a rest (when all I wanted to do was to try and get used to breastfeeding) while MIL and GMIL held DS. Hormones have a lot to anwer for!

The next day they came and stayed all day, there was trauma over what to feed them (a mushroom intolerance apparently) and I had to ask DH to ask them to go at 9pm as I wanted to go to bed with the baby.

Then the next day we were admitted to hospital as DS had lost too much weight and was v jaundiced . It was a really stressful time all round.

Rollergirlone: Its funny my grandmother was an irish/scouse catholic mother of five boys and she had two grandsons prior to me being born. I have to say as much as she adored me as the first girl in the family she never over stepped the mark with my mother EVER. My MIL has two sons and so in some ways I am glad this first grandchild isnt a girl as I think that potentially may have made things worse, I dont know?

Your story is horrible. This is the problem when you live elsewhere, its this nonsense then that people stay for days and weeks at a time. I dont know what her plans are in terms of that but hasten to say she will expect to be here weekends. I am perish at the thought!

Funny you mention about the washing. I had to grab a bag of mine and DH's washing out of her hand once. As if I want the MIL going through my smalls! I would know damn well that another woman wouldnt appreciate that so WTF? I wouldnt even have my own mother do that to be honest.

Oh its so awful..the travel cot in her room..oh I think I would have ended up walking out! You have my total sympathy. Esp as I know full well how forthright and overbearing these kind of MIL can be!

Well that was my issue too! But I am torn between thinking that she knows exactly what she is doing or is completely oblivious. MIL is a strange mix of naive but also incredibly manipulative so you just can't tell.

The travel cot set up in her room was one instance where DH was totally on my wavelength. We arrived late at night and when he realised where she'd put it he was very much "No, she's sleeping with us. End of story.". There was another time when we had gone to a wedding and we were away overnight. We had left DD at the inlaws house. The next morning we called when we were half an hour away and they were all at home. We were absolutely desperate to see DD. When we got back to the inlaws house MIL had gone out with DD, despite knowing that we were due back soon. We called her mobile and she wasn't answering and we couldn't get hold of her for an hour. DH was livid with her then and he took her off on his own and had a massive go.

Since the other grandchildren have been born I have watched the relationship dynamics between MIL and my SIL's. It has made me realise that i've been a bit of a pussy really, in terms of standing up for myself. But that probably hasn't been made easy by DH not standing up for me either. One SIL is very polite and no-nonsence with MIL. She treats her like a guest when she comes to visit and won't let her do anything around the house. So MIL definitely feels like she has to respect her rules. At my house she definitely feels like she has free reign. I'm still trying to tackle that .

This is why I am saying that I think you need to tackle this yourself. DH is caught between a rock and a hard place. And if he's anything like my DH he will think you are the easier option rather than his mother. Whatever you tell him to tell her will not be what he eventually ends up saying. Because she will manipulate him. He will take the easy way out.

For your own sanity you really need to put your foot down now. I didn't (through circumstances) and I had a really tough time with her.

yes interesting what you say about making her feel like a guest. I noticed when she came over once and did a fair bit of cooking she instantly became more bossy. I think there is something in that! My MIL wanted to come and 'clean the house properly' before the baby comes. I have no idea what that is about but someone here talked about control and made some interesting points. Needless to say we said no but she is still talking about it now as if it is going to happen.

I am not looking forward to when my the baby is not being breastfed because I imagine she will ave all sorts of ideas about taking him places without me. To be honest if she starts with all that I am just going to tell her in the politest possible way to feck off.

There is absolutely no need for her to come over and clean your place prior to the baby being born and you must definitely not allow it. She may dress it up as trying to be helpful, and that is how she will bill it to your DH. But really she is trying to gain control. It is all done in the manner of "trying to help" but it is very very calculated. Resist. Tell her no in the nicest possible way. Hell, even tell her that you are waiting for the "nesting instinct" to kick in and you want to do it yourself. Honestly, resist and kick back against everything that you don't want to do NOW. Cos if you give in now it will set the precedent. Don't rely on your DH. It's hard but you need to be tough now. This is your relationship with your MIL and it is down to you. You need to get it right where I went wrong...

I've been lurking on here for a while as it's brought back all the difficult memories of my PIL turning up at the hospital unasked and unwanted and pecking away at my DH to keep coming out (yes, leaving me...) to give them updates, insisting on waiting however long it took (12 hours, so not that bad, but still) and then insisting on being admitted to the room for a hold and photo session before I had even breastfed for the first time or been stitched. I was so out of it (though seething inside, but I realised where I needed to focus my energy!) and knackered at the end, that they got their way. I have found it intolerable to have them near me or DC since.

However, it prompted me to write down all I was feeling and had felt (far more than I've outlined here as I've had about 9 months of horrific behaviour from them, MIL in particular, since we told them I was pg) and show it to DH. Who has now sent it to PIL. They are being typically horrendous about it, but at least they know why I have found it so difficult to be around them.

So thank you, Catholic, for bringing this up and for helping me to stand up for myself, as DH has been far too terrified of his mum to do it. Though he's stepped up in a big way now and we're both feeling liberated!

Aww floodsofbeers, I am glad its been of use and so sorry to hear you have had such an awful time. What you describe above 12 hours waiting then bursting in the room is I think what I could expect if I didnt put my foot down over it.

RolelrGril1 - I have boundary clothes issues with my MIL too. She takes unironed shirts from clothes horse and hangs them in the wardrobe. Without ironing them. She also took a shirt that is too small and has been crumpled up on the floor in the spare room by ironin board for months... and hung it in the wardrobe.
I would no more go into her wardrobe than I would fly to the moon.
I want to work out how to stop it. The only solution I have so far is to have no drying clothes anywhere when she comes to stay. I also push to visit them (my parents live nearby and we stay with them overnight) even though it is much more difficult for us. Otherwise I just get so upset!

Let us know how it goes Floodsofbeers. I ahve been thinking that if the next visit is as bad I might get dh to say something.
It's not just the clothes thing obviously, she is INSANE with dd.

One thing that has struck me on here that I feel has to be addressed is the hospital situation.

Some posters have said the midwives wont let anyone in if you don't want it, but it is VERY apparent that this has happened to several people. Therefore I really wouldn't trust/leave it up to the midwives to sort them as I really don't think they will.

After-all when they have 2 or 3 ladies all labouring they don't have the time or energy to sort relatives out - let alone remember who is allowed in and who isn't for each individual. They will take the option of least resistance and that will be to let the bolshy relatives in to a room where a knackered and so unable to kick up a fuss mum is.

Well - this morning I received a "marked up" version of what I wrote from MIL, highlighting all the ways in which I was unpleasant, ungrateful and absolutely not the sort of DIL they had imagined I would be (before I became pg, we all got on well - I won't say I was mad keen on them, but it wasn't a chore to be polite and spend time with them). It's really a character assassination, when I was very careful to be factual (you said/did X and that made me feel Y), rather than making any personal comments about PIL directly. I expected as much!

Along with well over 100 text messages from MIL to DH - it's all about the control because he is one of those people who always responds to texts, so she knows she will be able to continue the argument with him, where I just delete without reading.

SO, it's not gone too well, but at least now they know how I have been feeling, particularly about the birth - she's desperate to justify why she and FIL thought they would be welcome... Can't say I am surprised by MIL's reaction as she's excessively self-centred and at best, thoughtless, but in reality, just downright rude and controlling of FIL and DH (only child).

Happily I am going away with DC for a week so I have said that I would like us to draw a line under the unpleasantness of the past 9 months now everyone has said their piece and try to set some boundaries around when they see DC, how they speak to me and vice versa when we come back. Let's see if it works...

Well floodsofbeers I do hope things work out. At least your MIL knows that your DH is on your side, its so much easier when you are working as a team! Hopefully she will reflect at some point and realise she is in danger of losing her son and GC. It is a real shame she felt the need to assassinate your character rather than just accept her shit behaviour apologise and move forward, but then I imagine you expected some back lash of sorts given her personality. Its all so bloody hard isnt it!

Good luck to you, catholic, I hope that you have the birth you want! It's a steep learning curve, this being a DIL! I think the bond between DH and I has become far stronger since we had the LO and since "lettergate", he's said that he would always take my side, regardless, now he knows how I feel.

All the very best for your imminent arrival!

Thanks. I also hope that the baby will strengthen our marriage and make DH see his priority is truly with us.

Take Care.

I have to say this thread has made me feel a little better too. My MIL is a lovely person generally but like others have mentioned there are boundary issues. Any time she comes to our house she cleans the place and plants things in the garden. I know in her eyes she's being helpful but it really really pisses me off. I have often felt I'm being too sensitive or ungrateful but I can see from what others have said that I am not alone in feelings this way. That's quite reassuring.

The last time she came both she and FIL started going on and on about the state of the bathroom. We're renting and generally the house is fine, although the shower was rubbish (it's since been fixed). It was really getting on my nerves and I couldn't figure out why. DH could see I was on edge and he asked me what was wrong. When I tried to explain I just burst out crying. It was then I realised how much they were hurting my feelings. They didn't seem to realise that this is our home and to have them come in and criticise it to high heaven is hugely hurtful. If I did the same in their house I'm sure they'd be mightily peeved, but they just don't see that we're separate adults with a separate life who deserve the same respect as anyone else.

My MIL has been humming and hawing about when she'll come down to see our baby after it's born (first gc, due Christmas Day). To me that's just plain rude because I feel we have a right to have a firm plan from her, and I've said that to DH. He agrees, thankfully. She wanted to come down before he's born but I scuppered that. There's no way I could put up with her buzzing around in the last weeks of pregnancy - I'd smash her head open!

Writerofdreams..it seems a lot of us are in the same position. My MIL just phoned again (tenth call of the evening and we finally answered) and was going on about coming as soon as I was in labour again. Dh said no..same thing 'I will wait in the waiting room' Dh 'there is no waiting room, its complicated how will you get here etc etc'. It seems she knows we dont want it but I imagine she will keep pushing. I hope your MIL doesnt scupper your birth. God imagine that coming before the birth..she would inisist to be in the delivery if you allowed that!