to think my MIL is being unreasonable?

[catholicatheist]

Hi there,

I am due to have my first baby at the end of this month. My MIL has demanded said that she wants to be contacted the second I go into labour so she can make her way to the city we live in (which is about an hour away from her) and come to the hospital. I am not particularly close to her and I really do not want her there in the waiting room when I am giving birth as it will really be a pain with DH having to go out to see to her etc etc. Also I do not want to be seeing people until I have had chance to breast feed him, clean myself up etc and she would be wanting to come in the room. In addition to this it could be a long birth given the babys current positioning so that would be difficult with her in the hospital as DH would have to be taking her back to our house to sleep perhaps when I was still in labour.

DH is a bit rubbish and said he will ask me if she can rather than just telling her no. Do you think she is being out of order? When should I tell her to come to see the baby?

[diddl]

Well, I know it´s the husband´s baby as well, & he doesn´t want his mummy to miss out, but I do feel that the one in labour can decide who visits when tbh.

Did he want mummy there at the conception?
Or even hovering outside the door listening?
No?

Well, then neither do you when you´re in labour!

[LittleMissHissyFit]

LOL diddl!

[Muser]

I'm expecting my first in late Feb and nobody is being told I'm in labour. My SIL was in labour for 48 hours. There is no way I'm going to be managing the enquiring texts as well as everything else. People will be told once the baby has arrived and we've had a good cuddle.

[ginnybag]

Ok, not wanting to scare you but show your husband this post:

I had a back to back labour.
It lasted 40+ hours from induction to birth.
From the moment I got the pessary inserted, I started with contractions that manifested as back pain. After a few hours, I couldn't sit on a flat surface or lie down without wanting to cry.

Then my waters broke. I was still dressed at the time and had to strip completely, put the wet clothes in a bag (after the midwife had sniffed them to check I hadn't just wet myself

20 hours later, I'd progressed enough that they moved me to delivery.

The first three contractions with Gas and Air made me convulsively sick.

Then the MW told me not to bother redressing from the waist down, because they were examining me so often and I was tired and sore. So I was sat on an absorbent mat on a birthing ball, half naked.

Then they catheterised me.

Then they moved me to another room and started faffing with blood tests on the baba, so there were a dozen members of staff and me in stirrups with everything on show under surgical lights!

None of this, btw, is that unusual. (And I'm really not trying to scare you - all this sounds horrible but I actually think I had quite a good experience!)

Giving birth is not a spectator sport. You won't care at the time, but you will are later and no-one at the hospital wll thank you for extraneous bodies.

Tell your husband to tell his mother no, now. And if he won't, you need to.

The only people who should be anywhere near you mid-labour are those you choose!

[NestaFiesta]

What Muser said. Say the hospital doesn't allow it and that way she can't take it as a personal slight.

She is being totally unreasonable making this about her when its about YOU OP!. Your DH's idea of asking instead of telling is rubbish and won't work.

He should say something like "catholic will need me there then so I won't be able to phone anyone til she's OK"

Good luck and stand your ground!

[nevercansaygoodbye]

same experience as ginnybag but longer I think. Hospital was so crowded there were women screaming in labour in the corridors and waiting rooms.
But most important is you sound very stressed about it when you should be trying to be relaxed and getting as much rest and niceness before the birth.
Your dh needs to take all stress away for you at the moment, and that includes handling anything you aren't happy with. Just tell him to tell her that you would much rather she came to see you after the birth, it is likely to be a long one, and as she is only an hour away, he will let her know as soon as you are ready.. You are queen of your world right now, and yanbu to expect to have your requests about all this listened to and acted on asap. end of story!

[sue52]

If she wasn't needed at the conception then she wont be needed at the birth. Your DH needs to stand up to his mother now or this will set the pattern for years to come.

[GoreRenewed]

Simple. Just 'forget' to call her when it happens. You'll have plenty of other things to think about!

[Whitethorn]

Just say yes and don't call her, she will get over it when she does get around to seeing her grandchild

[giveitago]

Sue - excellent!!!

[CrazyPlateLady]

YADNBU!!!!

She shouldn't be allowed in the labour room at all anyway. Only birth partners are so she couldn't visit there and you are usually there for a couple of hours after the birth.

Tell your DH he is NOT to phone her. Tell her the hospital does not allow family to sit outside waiting and she won't be allowed in the room anyway.

[saffy85]

Your labour, your birth, your baby.

Like everyone else has said, tell her when you're ready and make sure DP understands your wishes are his top priority, not his mummy's.

[jaggythistle]

YANBU

Everyone wanted to know when I went into labour too and I think DH thought it would be like on TV as well. :) He was told in no uncertain terms that noone was to be tols the minute labour started! It was about me being comfortable and I wouldn't with potential grandpareents hovering in the vicinity (first GC on both sides).

I went into hospital on a Saturday night, then back out for 12 hours or so then back in on Sunday night and DS was born on the Monday night. I think we eventually told our folks on Monday morning.

My BIL and SIL were actually due to come and visit us on the Sunday but I lied and said i was 'really tired'. not just sitting at home in labour.

If MIL is none the wiser she will not care once baby is here.

I blame Rachel in friends too!

[anonymousbird]

Just don't ring. So what?

Tell your DH to get a grip.

Seriously.

You absolutely do NOT want her turning up until you are ready for her.

Seriously, seriously!!!!!!!

It could last an hour, a day, or three, who knows, but you do not need the added pressure of her potentially turning up.

[catholicatheist]

I know :(

[agedknees]

Can you just say the hospitals infection control policy will not allow her to be there?

Or just phone her after you have given birth and are ready to see her.

[SaintEpney]

MIL and FIL insisted on waiting outside the door of my delivery suite (my mum was in with me and DP, so I think they felt entitled, seeing as my mum was there). I remember DP or my mum having to go outside every 30 mins or so to update them and chat to them as PIL were still sitting in the midwives staff office at 2am after 12 hours of labour...

I wish to god they had not been there, they really pissed me off, distracting the whole experience and practically hammering the door down to get in to hold the baby and take photos before I was even close to being stitched etc. I think this could be why I have developed a huge level of antagonism and animosity towards them both since the birth.

It didn't really occur to me to tell them to eff off, which is what I want to say to them on a daily basis now. I do remember getting quite aggravated and saying "but WHY are they insisting on waiting around, I don't want to see them?" and DP getting quite defensive. They also did a good number on my mum, making her feel almost guilty for being in to see DS being born.

[catholicatheist]

saintepney this is exactly my fear and I can see how it would ruin relations for years as you would resent it all so much!

[jaggythistle]

Really, just tell him. A lot.

I had to repeat myself LOADS of times to DH, before it sunk in that I was serious.

You have to tell a wee white lie or two as well - when people say "Oh. you will phone us as soon as you're in labour" you have to be ready to go "of course" breezily.

I guess it will be different with potental DC2 as DS will have to go to GPs, but when you have never done it before, the last thing you want is knowing that folk are hanging around. I didn't even want them in a 50 mile radius!

[fruitloop101]

You are definitely definitely definitely not being unreasonable.

We told everyone after DD was safely here - didn't occur to us to ring when I went into labour (had other things to think about!) and the thought of spectators being outside was appalling!

It's totally up to you and you must do whatever you would like to do.

Good luck with everything.

[mumeeee]

YANBU. When DD1 was born I was in labour for about 30 hours, So if that happened to you your MIL woild be sitting arounf d for a very longtime.

[SaintEpney]

Rather than tell her it's against hospital regs (as my PIL would have rung the delivery suite to check the conditions regardless), I think the best advice from all above has to be that you just "forget" on the day. Stand your ground with your DH when you are ready to go into the hospital and hopefully his instinct to want to take care of you and his baby will kick in.

Good luck!

[anonymousbird]

What Jaggythistle said!!!

Repeat, repeat and repeat again!

Stick to your guns, girl and all the best!

[dietstartstmoz]

I agree, either tell her you don't want anyone there in the hosp with you. Or if you think you will upset her just don't phone her when the time comes. It's lovely that she's so excited and wants to be involved but you need to calm her down.
My mom was the same, she wanted me to call her the minute i had my first twinge, and my usually sane dad was insistient that I did, even if it was the middle of the night and they had to go to work.
I didn't call them when I did go into labour, but did approx 15 hrs later. My first labour was 35 hrs. My mom was also desperate to come to our house after baby was born, they all come to the hosp and saw DS after he was born but then we had 4 days on our own at home until the first visitors which was lovely.
She's obviously very excited and wants to help but just tell her you would rather it was just you and DH and you will ring her when you're ready for visitors. First babies can be slow and not always straightforward so you may not want visitors immediately afterwards.

[YorkshireTeaDrinker]

YANBU.

How do you define "the second you go into labour". You could be in pre-labour / early stage labour for hours / days.

I wouldn't want to be telling people when Ive gone into early labour, just in case I'm wrong, or its just the start of a very long and boring wait for things to start speeding up. And by the time you are ready to be going to the hospital you are likely to be focused on the task in hand, not ringing round to give status updates.

She can wait for the baby to actually arrive, then set off to see you.