To take exception to a friend's comment in his birthday invitation re: non-alcoholic drink for me because I'm pregnant?

[RedHeels]

This morning got a text from a friend asking me to confirm whether I will be coming to his birthday do in a couple of weeks taking under consideration I will be very pregnant. Polite text, asking me how it's all going, all fine till I read: "First (non-alcoholic, for you) drink free (...)". Then some bits about other pregnant ladies being there so I can have a chat with them so I could see he meant well.

But... It did piss me off. People are just like sheep perpetuating the same myths over and over again before checking any info plus I do find it patronising coming from a man who has no clue about women's/ babies' health. I don't like being told what to do just because I'm pregnant. This is not to start a drinking in pregnancy debate, just would like to know whether I would be UR to say something like "don't worry about it, I will get my allowed glass of wine myself".

On (rare) special occasions I have max 2 units (which is a 175 ml glass of 12%, medium strength, wine), so mate's birthday would fall under 'special occasion' description. Plus I have an advanced certificate in wine and spirits so I know a little bit about drinking and pregnancy... so thanks mate for setting the boundaries for me in case I don't know myself.

Why the fuck has DV been raised here, anyway??

Just because we're talking about pregnancy??

i agree with Heracles (now there's something I never thought I'd type )

Have only read the OP but essentially I think he wasn't trying to dictate - he was trying (badly) to make it clear that non alcoholic drinks would be available especially for you, in case you felt too uncomfortable to accept in case you were under pressure to drink.

Oh good grief

I HAVE wandered into the feminism topic

I'm not saying it's not true but it's got balls all to do with this OP, has it now

Sounds suspiciously like just another opportunity to have a go at the male species en masse

I'm pointing out an irrelevance to the specific OP

How the hell you decide that that's tantamount to constructing a straw man argument, I have no idea. If anyone's trying to do that it's you, SGM

I just don't see the point in bringing DV into a specific scenario

As you were with your catch-all discussion on issues faced by pregnant women when dealing with men, then

Christ it's only a birthday party. He's made sure there is some nice non alcoholic drinks for you over the course of the evening.

He sounds lovely.

If you want an alcoholic drink then have one.

That would be a bit boring stewiegriffinsmom, if the conversation didnt evolve. But i agree your bringing DV into it is slightly odd/unnecessary. They actually bombard you with DV stats when pregnant, i even received a little leaflet with pictures on it to illustrate DV .

Everyone knows a huge amount of dv starts or escalates during pregnancy, but that is not a risk taken by the mother that will only damage baby.

So again, not relevant. And nor are peanuts and tuna!

And for you SGM, please feel free to continue with your passive-aggressive tone

You can turn threads into whatever you wish, of course,

Over my three pregnancies I have had to put up with crap non alcoholic drinks -diet coke, irn bru - so it's nice he's got you some better stuff.

Haven't read thread, can see it has escalated a little, but to go back to the OP, YANBU to feel this way. It's completely up to you if you want a glass of wine and not for anyone else to dictate to you. However, I think he was just trying to be nice and considerate.

Commander - you see I would consider Coke and Irn Bru considerable less healthy than a good glass of Claret .

(Not criticising your choices of course - I found myself feeling forced to jolly up many an evening with a glass of Coke whilst pg ).

OP YABU. If your favourite tipple was red wine he would have put that, but as you're pg he put non alcoholic.

Posie's right - it reads like he was just about to put "and a large Pinot for you" and then remembered. YABU but forgiven.

I agree with frrrrrightattendant. I read the text as him saying don't worry you won't be under pressure to drink alcohol if you don't want to. It s difficult to get your full meaning across in one text. I know of pregnant women who have declined invitations to events because they are concerned about being under pressure to drink a lot. He probably didn't want you feeling like that.

I truely don't think he text means to offend por ass judgement. He is being considerate and letting you know he has thought of you, and other non drinkers, and provided some soft, non alcoholic drinks.

I really think you are making way more out of it then he means.

YANBU OP.

When I was pg I went out to the pub with all the family, as we had some relatives visiting from Canada who I hadn't met before.

I had a J20 (which is non alcoholic) and the Canadian uncle said to me "That is non-alcoholic, right? Because you shouldn't drink when you're pregnant".

It made me want to hit him. And order a beer.

Oops. I didn't realise MN had a strict category observance for threads. Is this true? Is discussion about Feminism ONLY allowed on the Feminism boards then? I don't know...women talking about what they want, where they want. It's cheeky innit? What they need to do is keep to a specific board if they want to keep bringing notions of how much autonomy they have over their own bodies up in threads about people telling pregnant women what they can or can't do.

The OP evolved into a broader debate (as happens with threads, or is a rule going to be announced that can't happen either?) and a viewpoint emerged that yes, pregnant women can be told what to do/not do in pregnancy where their choice is deemed dangerous to the baby. And now it appears they can also be told what do do/not do even where is no longer a risk to the baby because medical advice has since changed (which is where the peanuts come in.)

It's interesting to me because I wonder how the people who support that view would police/enforce it? And DV is relevant simply because those people who are happy to talk about what risks a pregnant woman is allowed to take or not (limiting her choices) are dismissive of DV even being a risk, when it's the biggest risk.

Really what should happen is that women, once pregnant, should be herded into their very own brood cage and locked in until full term. Only that way can we be fully sure they are not taking risks we would not.

Smoking tests for pregnant women

Good morning. Might as well give up with the OP and join in the battle discussion. I would say soft carbonated drinks can be worse. Once had a business meet up/ drinks in a pub and to be good had some coke. It was brought in a pint glass, I was sipping it a bit mindlessly and instead of leaving it half way, I almost finished it. Hence the heightened heart rate and feeling queasy. To be honest I was petrified about how the baby must have been feeling. Now, if I had a small glass of wine I would be more mindful, sip it slowly and having water alongside.

I don't think my mate arrange some special non-alcoholic drinks for me as few people suggested. I would love an elderflower cordial with Perrier water and dash of lemon and crushed ice but somehow I don't think it will be happening ... So it will be either apple juice (cue lots of peeing and hoping I'll manage home somehow) or glucose overdose of Fanta or Sprite, etc. Not a problem, just a bit yukky.

Okay - it's all sorted.

The op was being unreasonable but has been forgiven for this.

The friend was just trying to be considerate.

DV has fuck all to do with it.

Have a good day everybody. :)

Actually DV does have something to do with it.

On a thread which has broadened into a discussion of the risks women take in pregnancy, given that DV is the biggest risk, it's got quite a lot to do with it.

Hmmmm. DV has fuck all to do with it?

Drinking/not drinking alcohol, eating/not eating peanuts, staying with/leaving an abusive partner who is violent are all choices a pregnant woman might have to assess on the basis of risk to her unborn child, balanced against her autonomy and respective benefits as she perceives them.

The point is where do we draw the line? As DV is the biggest risk, and some posters have said 'Why take the risk?' on other choices and therefore judge pregnant woman who do not view the risk as the same as they do, what do they feel about a pregnant woman who continues to stay with an abusive violent partner? Obviously peanuts/alcohol/tuna etc do not choose to be a risk to pregnant woman they just are. But is the pregnant woman expected to take the same level of blame for choosing to take the risk of staying with abusive partner - or at this point do we say - no, it is the men that should be stopped.

Cortisol plays a huge part in the development of the foetus and sets the biological alarm levels and coping mechanisms for dealing with stress. My risk approach during pregnancy was very much lead by stress-avoidance - I read that book Why Love Matters - and decided I would rather not sweat the small stuff and started listening to relaxation/hypnobirthing stuff (not usually my bag AT ALL) because I became convinced that to have an easy-going happy baby I had to remain as chilled as possible throughout pregnancy. If I had the odd glass of wine I was not going to beat myself up about it. Who knows if it made a difference? It was a risk I was personally not prepared to take. However, if someone else had been telling me I HAD to chill out or I would harm my baby I would have not been happy at all.

I have heard that smoking pregnant women are sometimes advised NOT to give up smoking entirely but to cut back due to the stress it might cause them as being more harmful in the long-term.

"Is discussion about Feminism ONLY allowed on the Feminism boards then?"

Blimey, if only...