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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take exception to a friend's comment in his birthday invitation re: non-alcoholic drink for me because I'm pregnant?

169 replies

RedHeels · 30/10/2010 21:31

This morning got a text from a friend asking me to confirm whether I will be coming to his birthday do in a couple of weeks taking under consideration I will be very pregnant. Polite text, asking me how it's all going, all fine till I read: "First (non-alcoholic, for you) drink free (...)". Then some bits about other pregnant ladies being there so I can have a chat with them so I could see he meant well.

But... It did piss me off. People are just like sheep perpetuating the same myths over and over again before checking any info plus I do find it patronising coming from a man who has no clue about women's/ babies' health. I don't like being told what to do just because I'm pregnant. This is not to start a drinking in pregnancy debate, just would like to know whether I would be UR to say something like "don't worry about it, I will get my allowed glass of wine myself".

On (rare) special occasions I have max 2 units (which is a 175 ml glass of 12%, medium strength, wine), so mate's birthday would fall under 'special occasion' description. Plus I have an advanced certificate in wine and spirits so I know a little bit about drinking and pregnancy... so thanks mate for setting the boundaries for me in case I don't know myself.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 30/10/2010 21:33

I think he probably meant this nicely and was trying to be considerate rather than telling you that you can't drink. Obviously he is your friend so you may know better and may wish to make more of an issue of this.

If you are going to have a glass or two of wine, why not accept his "free" offer graciously, in the way it was intended, then buy yourself the next glass?

quizling · 30/10/2010 21:33

I will say YABU because it is generally believed that it is bad to drink in pregnancy. Most people who are pregnant (that I have known) don't drink. The only way you would be aware that a couple of glasses were OK would be if you researched it because you're pregnant yourself. He's not an expert on obstetrics and he assumed. Not a big deal

phipps · 30/10/2010 21:34

YABU. He is merely trying to let you know that he knows it is better for pregnant women not to drink and has organised a non alcoholic drink for you.

TattyDevine · 30/10/2010 21:35

I hate this too. Trouble is, I think the current government guideline is for pregnant women and women TTC to avoid alcohol altogether. This means that people do not see it as "acceptable" and you leave yourself wide open to being judged.

I would put it down to him meaning well, and ignore it and do what you want on the night.

I used to get snippy (inside my head, never said anything) when people said "not for you though!" etc...if I chose not to drink, it was nothing to do with others, and if I wanted to drink, I would have done, nothing to do with them.

I think generally people dont have strong opinions or at least dont express them, and most references to it are well meaning mentionings of your pregnancy more than anything else.

YANBU

nannynobnobs · 30/10/2010 21:35

I think he was trying to show that you would be included and considered, and probably assumed you might be offended at everyone getting free booze if you weren't allowed it (his assumption). He meant well :)

onepieceoflollipop · 30/10/2010 21:35

If he hadn't have put "non alcholic" you may have been one of the thousands of women who do choose to abstain from alcohol during pregnancy.You may then have been offended at someone assuming that you would drink alcohol when your preference was not to.

HeadlessPrinceBilly · 30/10/2010 21:37

Ah FFS, get a grip, its sounds like he was letting you know he had considered you and others and got nice non-alc drinks.

Sidge · 30/10/2010 21:38

You are being a little oversensitive.

He was probably thinking along the same lines as most men and women, who assume that the majority of pregnant women prefer not to drink alcohol.

eagerbeagle · 30/10/2010 21:38

YANBU. I am sure that he didn't mean anything by it BUT it would annoy me too - on the basis that it is presumptuous and also that in your shoes, if I went to a nice party and was looking forward to my once a week small tipple, I would feel judged and that would vex me.

Plus you are very preggers so are fully entitled to be annoyed by anything you like.

Glitterandglue · 30/10/2010 21:39

Sounds like he believes the commonly held myth, and put this as a way of letting you know he was thinking about how you might have different needs, like if he was preparing a meal and you were a vegetarian he would add that your starter would be different.

If you tell him that it is a myth and you can actually have X amount, and he replies, "Well, you're putting the health of your baby at risk," or whatever, then he's being wilfully ignorant and you have a right to be offended. But if he replies with, "Oh, sorry, I thought you couldn't drink alcohol in pregnancy. I guess you can have the alcohol then!" then no harm done.

Original poster
RedHeels · 30/10/2010 21:46

OK, so IABU. I just sent a gracious text (it's OK, he stays up/ studies till late) confirming my attendance Smile. I know I am a bit hormonal so I thought I'd ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedHeels · 30/10/2010 21:55

Plus it's exactly what eagerbeagle and TattyDevine said. I was looking forward to a relaxed evening and now I feel I will have to explain myself. Whether I have the wine or not is not really important (will probably be knackered by the end of the day and won't have it because it will put me to sleep) but it's just the assumption and the jokey finger wagging people like to dish out...

OP posts:
dementedma · 30/10/2010 22:01

YABU. I agree with Headless.

Dansmommy · 30/10/2010 22:04

Is this your first pregnancy? Seriously, chill out. People are going to be assuming they have the right to tell you what to do for many years yet! (Midwives, health visitors, grandparents, teachers....)

cobbledtogether · 30/10/2010 22:21

YABU - I seriously doubt he'd even considered government guidelines before it sent his invite and has no plans to judge you for having a drink.

Poss thought he was being considerate.

BarbieLovesKen · 30/10/2010 22:24

Would agree with nannynobs and onepieceoflollipop in that 1. I think he was trying to be considerate towards you assuming that you may have thought you would be left out of the free drink as, it would seem, the majority of pregnant women dont drink and 2. "you may have been one of the thousands of women who do choose to abstain from alcohol during pregnancy.You may then have been offended at someone assuming that you would drink alcohol when your preference was not to."

I unusually, would have been a teeny bit offended if someone presumed I did drink when pregnant. Like when pregnant with ds last year some people looked at me in shock when they offered me a cigarette and I decline - it annoyed me.

YABU but your allowed to be as your so pregnant Smile

taintedpaint · 30/10/2010 22:26

OMG. I'm glad you've realised YABU because this is just strange! It was cute, he was being considerate, and I should think that was obvious.

If you want to have a drink, have one. But don't get annoyed with a friend for being sweet and taking notice of guidelines.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy, but please try not to sweat the small stuff. If people judge you for one drink, just ignore them!

GiddyPickle · 30/10/2010 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RedHeels · 30/10/2010 23:06

Yes, it is my first pregnancy Smile.
The thing is the most interference and 'good' advice I've had is from single men who don't have children and I do think a bit Hmm, really? I don't find women or fathers saying to me: "oh, now you pregnant you can't do this, this and this, can you!" but childless men find me a fair game somehow - not all men but I can think of at least 4. (Plus they are very nosy and want to know everything starting from conception so maybe that's why I treat any comment regarding my bump with suspicion.)

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MadamDeathstare · 30/10/2010 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeatitude · 30/10/2010 23:10

Actually I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

The pregnancy police are a fucking pita, however well intentioned.

You would be unreasonable if you had a go at him about it, because he's obviously well-intentioned. But to be pissed off by having some random tell you what you want, is not at all unreasonable, expecting to be treated as an adult is a perfectly reasonable standpoint from an adult.

I take it all back if you are twelve.

scallopsrgreat · 30/10/2010 23:17

I'm with HerBeatitude. Why did he have to say non-alcoholic anyway? Why not just say first drink is free?

BelligerentGhoul · 30/10/2010 23:20

YABU - he just sounds like he's trying to make sure you are a) okay and b) feel comfortable about going still.

HerBeatitude · 30/10/2010 23:23

Oh FFS women are supposed to be grateful now when men police them. Hmm

Ah how sweet of him, knowing what's best for you.

I trust he'll advise you on suitable footwear as well. And make up. And dress.

Original poster
RedHeels · 30/10/2010 23:31

Cracked nipples, he he. It will be his birthday though so will wait for the next opportunity to mention that although if he annoys me I will think he is a fair game (he does sometimes say things that are a bit inconsiderate, like 'what stupid/ strange name you will come up with?' because I'm not English).

No, not 12 anymore (and thanks God for that). Friend just turning 40 but 21 and a Greek god at heart... Grin

Yes I do get it - he meant well but I felt he was making a point by mentioning 'non-alcoholic'.

OP posts: