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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take exception to a friend's comment in his birthday invitation re: non-alcoholic drink for me because I'm pregnant?

169 replies

RedHeels · 30/10/2010 21:31

This morning got a text from a friend asking me to confirm whether I will be coming to his birthday do in a couple of weeks taking under consideration I will be very pregnant. Polite text, asking me how it's all going, all fine till I read: "First (non-alcoholic, for you) drink free (...)". Then some bits about other pregnant ladies being there so I can have a chat with them so I could see he meant well.

But... It did piss me off. People are just like sheep perpetuating the same myths over and over again before checking any info plus I do find it patronising coming from a man who has no clue about women's/ babies' health. I don't like being told what to do just because I'm pregnant. This is not to start a drinking in pregnancy debate, just would like to know whether I would be UR to say something like "don't worry about it, I will get my allowed glass of wine myself".

On (rare) special occasions I have max 2 units (which is a 175 ml glass of 12%, medium strength, wine), so mate's birthday would fall under 'special occasion' description. Plus I have an advanced certificate in wine and spirits so I know a little bit about drinking and pregnancy... so thanks mate for setting the boundaries for me in case I don't know myself.

OP posts:
GreatGreenArkleseziure · 30/10/2010 23:32

i was told by my doctor not to drink...

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/10/2010 23:35

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redflag · 30/10/2010 23:35

OK firstly when you put money behind the bar the first drink is free, non alcoholic drinks tend to cost more, so he has put extra money behind the bar for you and the other pregnant ladies to still be included in the free drinks.

He was obviously taking his opportunity to make you feel included in the party, and telling you there will be other pregnant women there

Also i would not ever buy a drink for a pregnant lady. He might be like me.

Original poster
RedHeels · 30/10/2010 23:36

GreatGreenArkleseziure The point of the post was not the drink, it could've been about me going to the gym 3 times a week when pregnant. The point was whether I was BU to let him know I didn't care for his comment. I realised I was BU and I didn't say anything to him. If my doctor told me something, I would most probably just take it on board because she is a professional healthcare provider. My mate isn't.

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 30/10/2010 23:39

I have warned my male friends that if they are foolish enough to make any comment whatsoever about or to a pregnant woman they are making a mistake. I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first baby and any comment at all by a man, no matter how well intentioned, makes my blood boil. Granted I my blood is currently bubbling at a steady 99 degrees day and night due to my epic hugeness so it doesn't take much.

At the weekend DH's uncle saw a picture of his very pregnant niece (she's 35 weeks). She has a very normal bump, in fact it seems quite small to me. The minute he saw the picture he said "Oh she's not going to last 5 weeks is she?" in a very serious manner, as though he was concerned she would actually burst open or something. WTF? Since when is size related to the timing of labour and when did he become such an expert on it?
Also the same girl was told by a work colleage (male of course) that she should excercise more. It's a good thing I'm quite a forbidding sort of person because no one would dare say something like that to me. If they had they would stil be crawling around the floor looking for their teeth.

redflag · 30/10/2010 23:40

I am not a professional health care provider, i still know what damage alcohol can do to a fetus.

There was actually a very interesting programme on the subject on recently, perhaps he watched that!

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/10/2010 23:41

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaudOHara · 30/10/2010 23:42

Well done on sending a gracious text - thing is if you're venturing into (what is to him) unknown territory of pregnancy, then the only things that he can talk to you which relate to your pregnancy, will be things that are widely known - and relating to a party this is the assumption that pregnant women cannot drink.

redflag · 30/10/2010 23:43

Well actually we don't really know how much is too much, so none is preferable.

BelligerentGhoul · 30/10/2010 23:48

Oh for goodness sake - 'control of our intelligence.' Comments like that are the reason some men are scared to open doors or offer seats to pregnant women and then people wonder on here why they don't! He is trying to show an interest in the OP's pregnancy and, like Maud says, is doing this in a way that involves talking about something that is a fairly commonly held belief - that drinking is bad for the baby.

I had the odd drink in my pregnancies - but there is really nothing to take offence at in the text the OP quotes, as far as I can see - or not unless you just want to take offence for the sake of it.

BarbieLovesKen · 30/10/2010 23:48

Oh Redflag - I watched that!! horrible stuff! have you ever actually came across 2 women so stupid in your entire life? I was wondering if the older woman was an alcoholic though? her level of consumption seemed extreme and she was completely obsessed by alcohol. Hmm.. also, that video of the very pregnant girl completely hammered and swinging on the pole in the street really upset me. DH reckons that was just an act. Hope so (sorry for hijack).

I really dont think your friend was trying to tell you what to do, I think this has been taken out of context I genuinely think he was just being nice.

BarbieLovesKen · 30/10/2010 23:50

agree with BelligerentGhoul on this "'control of our intelligence.' Comments like that are the reason some men are scared to open doors or offer seats to pregnant women and then people wonder on here why they don't! "

Completely OTT and taking things to extreme.

AuntiePickleBottom · 30/10/2010 23:51

imo yabu.

however i don't agree with drinking in pregnancy at all.

why take the risk, and who has to take the risk to see what an unborn baby tolerance to alchol is...why should it even be questioned.

you would not give a newborn even 0.5ml of wine, so why would you drink 1 day before it's due date

redflag · 30/10/2010 23:52

Belligerentghoul, I completely agree with everything you have said.

Barbielovesken, I know! that woman was completely consumed by alcohol, Very very sad indeed. The woman on the street lamp was an actress, they wanted to see how the public would react.

Original poster
RedHeels · 30/10/2010 23:54

Oh god, please don't think I said FAS is a myth! What I rather meant was it is often a myth that pregnant women can't do many things when in fact when you read different studies (and I try to do that to have reasonable grounds to make my own mind up too) and not opinions about the studies, then you realise things are not so black and white.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 30/10/2010 23:54

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HerBeatitude · 30/10/2010 23:55

"Comments like that are the reason some men are scared to open doors or offer seats to pregnant women"

Bullshit. Men who don't open doors or offer seats to pregnant women are wankers, not scared. They use feminism as an excuse to not be considerate to women.

AuntiePickle, I presume you didn't get in a car when you were pregant either? Because you were more likely to have a road accident, than have a baby with FAS if you had a glass of wine.

BarbieLovesKen · 30/10/2010 23:56

Oh phew! Redflag completely missed that bit (about her definately being an actress) and am so glad because it really did upset me (but then Im pregnant so am upset quite easily). Had being playing on my mind.

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/10/2010 23:57

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbieLovesKen · 30/10/2010 23:59

Can I just asked if it had been a women with 20 children who sent you the text would you feel differently? is it simply because its a man or you dont want anyone assuming things about you when your pregnant?

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/10/2010 23:59

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BarbieLovesKen · 30/10/2010 23:59

Shock why is that StewieGriffinsMom??

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 00:01

have i got to ask again
who has to take the risk to see what an unborn baby tolerance to alchol is

StewieGriffinsMom · 31/10/2010 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redflag · 31/10/2010 00:02

StewieGriffinsMom, i didnt drink in any of my pregnancies because i didnt want any personal experience of it. The guidelines say none and thats good enough for me.

Like i said we don't actually know how much is too much, but i do know its very very possible to go 9 months without a drink.

I have never seen any research suggesting its genetic?!

I have known many people who have suffered from FAS and thats more than enough for me to never drink when pregnant.