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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take exception to a friend's comment in his birthday invitation re: non-alcoholic drink for me because I'm pregnant?

169 replies

RedHeels · 30/10/2010 21:31

This morning got a text from a friend asking me to confirm whether I will be coming to his birthday do in a couple of weeks taking under consideration I will be very pregnant. Polite text, asking me how it's all going, all fine till I read: "First (non-alcoholic, for you) drink free (...)". Then some bits about other pregnant ladies being there so I can have a chat with them so I could see he meant well.

But... It did piss me off. People are just like sheep perpetuating the same myths over and over again before checking any info plus I do find it patronising coming from a man who has no clue about women's/ babies' health. I don't like being told what to do just because I'm pregnant. This is not to start a drinking in pregnancy debate, just would like to know whether I would be UR to say something like "don't worry about it, I will get my allowed glass of wine myself".

On (rare) special occasions I have max 2 units (which is a 175 ml glass of 12%, medium strength, wine), so mate's birthday would fall under 'special occasion' description. Plus I have an advanced certificate in wine and spirits so I know a little bit about drinking and pregnancy... so thanks mate for setting the boundaries for me in case I don't know myself.

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 00:29

nobody knows the long term problem of drinking in pregnancy.

perhaps that 1 glass of vodka and coke was the time when your daughter fallopian tube was developed, and now 30 year on and wants to start a family she now has problems.

aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe · 31/10/2010 00:31

AuntiePickleBottom I like your name but I cannot agree with you. The issue is not whether or not women should or should not drink when pregnant, the issue is whether other people have the right to tell them whether to drink or not. If, as I think you're saying, yes, other people do have the right to tell a pregnant woman not to drink where do we draw the line...? Has a pregnant woman lost all autonomy over her body and should be considered only as a vessel for a baby from the moment of conception? Or do we accept that because some pregnant women will always disregard current (which seems to change with the wind) medical advice to extremes, all pregnant women should be constrained with regard to their choices?

Alcohol is just one of those choices.

HerBeatitude · 31/10/2010 00:32

Yes perhaps.

And what about that argument you had with your husband, which causd a release of cortisol? Maybe that's affected her fertility 30 years down the line as well, are you going to tell all husbands that they mustn't upset their pregnant wives?

Or are you going to base advice on research?

redflag · 31/10/2010 00:33

No it actually goes to the baby first!

scottishmummy · 31/10/2010 00:34

you are over stating this.i wouldnt offer g mates fag or alcohol,maybe he doesnt either.you do what you will,just dont expect mate get alcoholic drinks in for pg pal

if you feel so strongly order your own alcohol

redflag · 31/10/2010 00:35

I'm studying poisons, and focusing mostly on how they affect the pregnant bodies. I've researched alcohol many times. What happens when you consume the alcohol is it goes to your tummy and then your liver then through your kidneys whatever doesn't go threw your liver immediately hits the blood stream and then goes to your baby through the umbilical cord. Once it does this the baby absorbs the toxins into their fat cells some cells get destroyed and some hold the toxins for long periods of time without any affect others go into their body and screw with the system. Meaning their nerves, muscles, bones, skin tissue and basic development

Not me by the way

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 00:37

so no one should have a vew, perhaps this man is the baby dad. Should he not have a view about how his baby is taken care of before the birth.

so what is the diffrence between giving a newborn alchol to a baby born a day before

HerBeatitude · 31/10/2010 00:40

The liver and kidneys auntie.

Why on earth do you suppose the OP's friend is the baby's father?

Wouldn't she have said so?

BarbieLovesKen · 31/10/2010 00:41

Yeah, thats a good point Scottishmummy I wouldnt either (get in cigarettes or alcohol for pregnant woman) and think this man is probably just the same. Dont think hes trying to be nasty or controlling or otherwise.

I understand the whole, where is the cut of point arguement, in respect to how much others can comment/ interfere with what a pregnant woman does but, essentially, she is carrying a baby. For instance SIL smoked 20 a day for her pregnancy. Their now 15 month old has been hospitalised for weeks at a time, about 5 times due to serious lung problems. Its obviously connected. Fine, she made a mistake. Shes pregnant again and still happily smoking 20 a day. Its very difficult not to judge/ comment as much as it may not be anyones business it is appalling.

It may be a long 9 months for us all but essentially, in the grand scheme of things, it is only 9 months.

No safe amount of alcohol during pregnancy has yet been established so you can forgive this man's assumption.

HerBeatitude · 31/10/2010 00:41

Everyone can have a view.

But they can't impose it on adults who are capable of making their own choices.

scottishmummy · 31/10/2010 00:42

yes and as pg adult with capacity she can buy her own alcohol

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 00:43

she did not say other wise.

it would make sence if the women liver may be effected, then perhaps lay off the pop until the baby has a safe arrival

HerBeatitude · 31/10/2010 00:46

She hasn't mentioned that she has liver disease.

Unless she has, or has a major alcohol problem, there is no reason to suppose that her liver won't function normally during pregnancy.

I do think that you need to make a distinction between someone who is drinking a bottle of wine a day, and someone who drinks a glass of wine a week.

There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever, to say that a glass of wine per day is dangerous.

There's plenty of evidence to say that driving a car is dangerous.

scottishmummy · 31/10/2010 00:46

personally i wouldn't order alcohol for pg pal.if she feels so strongly is her autonomous right to order alcohol she can do it.without bellyaching what her pal does

HerBeatitude · 31/10/2010 00:48

I would ask her what she wants.

aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe · 31/10/2010 00:54

True - he doesn't have to buy her alcohol if he disagrees and thinks pregnant women shouldn't drink (which incidentally is not what I think he intends - I think OP knows she was being tetchy and will do as she feels best and has already texted him) but if he has laid on drinks for everyone at a bar and the scenario is wine/bottles of beer out on a table for birthday guests to help themselves he can actively prevent OP from taking an alcoholic drink as opposed to an orange juice? Because he won't see his money be spent on a pregnant woman's alcohol? Not very host-like.

If I saw a pregnant woman drinking to get drunk (as opposed to the generally ever so apologetic, plaintive, "this is the first and only drink i've had in [x] months for a special occasion" stuff pregnant women say if they dare to drink an alcoholic drink in public) I would consider checking with her if everything is ok and if there is anything up which is making her feel particularly bad. But that's as much as I could or would want to interfere.

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 00:55

but thats the thing, who has to take the risk to see what the risks are,

this women can buy alchol for a party if she wishes, but there is no way in hell i would give a pregnant women a drink

Original poster
RedHeels · 31/10/2010 00:58

I don't feel strongly about the infamous glass of wine but I do about people telling me what to do without a discussion. I don't tell him to lay off his pizzas and pastas because he has a bigger bump than I do. I'm sure he knows that and it is his decision. If I knew he had an strong opinion on pregnancies and drink and didn't want to purchase a drink for PG woman, then that's fine. AFAIK he doesn't have any opinion about pregnant women because it is not something he is familiar with. He just repeated something because that's what people say. I can buy my own drink, I don't expect him to indulge me, I just thought it sounded strange the way he put it. Plus I wouldn't advise anyone on how to build a house because that's not something I know about. As far as I'm concerned the issue is over. He meant well albeit in a clumsy way and I didn't let my hormones influence my reply.

Errr, no. He is not the dad. Why would he be? I said he was a friend??? And no, my liver if fine thanks??? Any more unfunded assumptions from the NeverNeverLand Confused?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 31/10/2010 01:01

this is false i am woman dont suppress me shit.look redheels you want a drink you buy it.dont construct some false hegemony based upon you want a bevy when pg

aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe · 31/10/2010 01:02

Would you buy a pregnant woman a shop-bought sandwich with mayonnaise in it AuntiePickleBottom? Or a packet of peanuts if she was hungry? Or a tuna sandwich when you'd seen her eat a tuna sandwich only the day before? Or a shop-bought bag of prepared salad?

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 01:08

basically no, i feel that once a women has chicen to continue with a pregnanct, the baby comes 1st until the baby is born

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 01:09

chicen to continue with a pregnanct (wrong typing)

chosen to continue with the pregnancy

Original poster
RedHeels · 31/10/2010 01:10

scottishmummy What is false? And I'm not spinnign any theories. Other posters mentioned women being controlled etc, not me. The issue was the text, I asked if I was being oversensitive - was told I was, said OK. I didn't say anything about being a woman and therefore feeling supressed so not sure about you coomment.

OP posts:
aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe · 31/10/2010 01:12

But I thought peanuts are now okay to eat in pregnancy? Medical advice has changed. Ah...but this is not about the pregnant woman's choice or even current medical advice then. It is about your choices being appropriate for all other pregnant women. Thank god we don't live in that dictatorship just yet.

HerBeatitude · 31/10/2010 01:12

Oh it's just Scottishmummy doing her usual anti-feminist spiel redheels, ignore her.

Nice to know you consider women no better than incubators for babies, auntie.