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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take exception to a friend's comment in his birthday invitation re: non-alcoholic drink for me because I'm pregnant?

169 replies

RedHeels · 30/10/2010 21:31

This morning got a text from a friend asking me to confirm whether I will be coming to his birthday do in a couple of weeks taking under consideration I will be very pregnant. Polite text, asking me how it's all going, all fine till I read: "First (non-alcoholic, for you) drink free (...)". Then some bits about other pregnant ladies being there so I can have a chat with them so I could see he meant well.

But... It did piss me off. People are just like sheep perpetuating the same myths over and over again before checking any info plus I do find it patronising coming from a man who has no clue about women's/ babies' health. I don't like being told what to do just because I'm pregnant. This is not to start a drinking in pregnancy debate, just would like to know whether I would be UR to say something like "don't worry about it, I will get my allowed glass of wine myself".

On (rare) special occasions I have max 2 units (which is a 175 ml glass of 12%, medium strength, wine), so mate's birthday would fall under 'special occasion' description. Plus I have an advanced certificate in wine and spirits so I know a little bit about drinking and pregnancy... so thanks mate for setting the boundaries for me in case I don't know myself.

OP posts:
aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe · 31/10/2010 01:14

nope RedHeels - that was the rest of us jumping on your bandwagon and taking it as an excuse to have a big old debate. I'm not viewing this even as a gender thing - am just genuinely interested to see how far we are willing to limit a pregnant woman's choices.

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 01:17

ok a pregnat women want one last hit of illegal drugs while pregnat would you support that aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe

scottishmummy · 31/10/2010 01:18

you talk of sheep&myths,patronising men oh come on you are setting up some socialsciencetastic how dare men/anyone/sheep supress me.i am woman i am pg get me a drink

as you said But... It did piss me off. People are just like sheep perpetuating the same myths over and over again before checking any info plus I do find it patronising coming from a man who has no clue about women's/ babies' health. I don't like being told what to do just because I'm pregnant

this isnt a wimmins issue, is you looking for a gripe issue

just buy your own alcohol.dont get het about about anyone else

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 01:18

perhaps maybe herion, bass, meom meoam ect

HerBeatitude · 31/10/2010 01:20

No no, of course having one's behaviour in pregnancy policed, isn't a wimmin's issue.

Not at all.

It's a goat's issue.

Obv.

scottishmummy · 31/10/2010 01:21

and maybe hb,you are having a redmist moment

Original poster
RedHeels · 31/10/2010 01:23

Bad spelling, sorry - getting tired.

It's not about me wanting "a bevy" when pregnant, because if it were I would be pouring myself one now and not be discussing an event two weeks away. It was purely about my mate's comment. As I said I would have one drink on special occasion and his birthday is one so I don't think I'm describing here an uncontrollable urge to indulge in a bottle of Stolichnaya when carrying a baby. (Well, if I were that would be a bottle of Martell).

I have my feminist opinions in general but taking under consideration my current baby brain (left money in an ATM and forgot my purse 3 times over last 10 days) I will stay away from any philosophical discussions.

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 31/10/2010 01:25

No I'm not.

I'm feeling quite mellow actually, am skyping at the same time as this.

No red mist here SM, I just know this argument very well. It's always the same - loads of unsubstantiated claims about hwo dangerous drinking is, while everyone ignores the fact that DV is by far the biggest risk factor in pregnancy, than anything else.

Because that would involve policing men, not women.

Oh and has anyone yet mentioned the lack of policing of men who are TTC? Because what effect does alcohol have on sperm?

aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe · 31/10/2010 01:25

Ah....and heroin is the same ...because peanuts are also illegal? I wouldn't support/assist a pregnant woman to get hold of illegal drugs because they are illegal. That is a limit I accept on my choices in life (pregnant or not) because I am lucky enough to live in a democracy where I can vote to express my views or bugger off to another country (not entirely sure where I can swan off to to acquire shop-bought heroin but still...)

Christ. I better start cleaning out the fridge. I've got enough peanut butter in there to get me a long time in the big house.

scottishmummy · 31/10/2010 01:26

adult with capacity,buy her own bevvy.stop making something out of nowt and bleating about sheep

redheels,you cannot expect other people to wholly share your views.so you get your own rink in and stop supposing about sheep and feeling patronised

and do get used to external opinions on your parenting when baby arrives, such is life

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 01:26

redheels, if this was the baby dad saying not to drink would you feel the same

HerBeatitude · 31/10/2010 01:28

ROFL at peanuts = heroin

Sorry am skyping, am I not concentrating, or has this discussion gorn mad?

HerBeatitude · 31/10/2010 01:29

Did you stop your DH drinking while TTC auntie?

Heracles · 31/10/2010 01:31

Christ, you can tell it's te weekend can't you?

It reads as if he's not wanting you to think he'd forgotten you were pg. That's it. The end.

Leave the axe-grinders to their fun and exit your thread gracefully would be my advice (not that I'd dare offer an opinion to a pregnant sheep blah blah etc etc)... Smile

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 01:33

no, because my oh do not drink by his own choice.

so what is the diffrent between a pregnant women drinking or taking drugs.

the lungs whould filter out any nasties, same as the liver with drinking.

aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe · 31/10/2010 01:34

HB - It was one of the things that struck me about the NHS booklet they gave to me and DP at the antental booking in appointment. Read something like: "Domestic violence can start during pregnancy..." Unfortunate phrasing as DP (not a laughing matter at all, attribute it to his dark sense of humour if you can) took it as Bart does when Marge says "Children can be so annoying" "Gee thanks Mum" (and just to be sure, DP has never lifted a finger against me) - but it shocked us both and is probably the one piece of information out of that booklet I have retained.

And yes, Scottishmummy, your position as ever is eminently sensible, grounded in reality and the actual facts and keeping firmly out of the hypothetical. I don't disagree with you at all. I'm just interested in a wider debate. Don't think OP is really disagreeing with you either. It just rankles a bit when someone tells you you can't do something but as you said plenty plenty more unwelcome opinions and advice to come.

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 01:39

i think i may have been lost in this thread.

but i really don't agree with taking risks in pregnancy, if it is eatin peanuts, drinking or taking drugs.

Heracles · 31/10/2010 01:44

Stay at home, preferably behind a shield. Life's out to get you...

aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe · 31/10/2010 01:44

No I do understand - you do not agree with taking risks in pregnancy. And that is your choice. However, you also feel it is okay for other people to be constrained by your choices, even where medical advice has changed and your choice may be influenced by your own personal circumstance (e.g. a history of peanut allergies) which other people do not have. Am not meaning to be argumentative and do respect your own right to make your own choices - I am just asking why is it ok for you to impose those choices on others where they are not illegal. But it is late. And I should be in bed. And on that note, goodnight Smile

AuntiePickleBottom · 31/10/2010 01:47

that the thing with medical advice changing i would rather be safe than sorry

Original poster
RedHeels · 31/10/2010 01:53

AuntiePickleBottom How can you assume you know how I would feel if the baby's dad told me anything? How did he pop up in the conversation??? This is not a debate on Health and Pregnancy, if it were I would've posted there. FWIW, if he had any concerns we would discuss it and then came to conclusion as it is his baby too. But since he's not too interested in my pregnancy, he hasn't asked me anything so that point is moot.

scottishmummy I don't expect people to share my views, if did I wouldn't have come on here. Thanks for your dismissive language towards me, I've tried to be polite even when not liking what I was reading. I asked for advice and got it, that's what this thread is for, no? If you want to be reading in too much into my OP than that's your prerogative.

OK, I think I will take Heracles's advice and take a bow. Thank you for all your opinions.

OP posts:
aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe · 31/10/2010 01:55

Drat. You've lured me back in. So even though medical advice is now to wean at 6 months you'd rather be safe than sorry and continue to wean at 4 months? And even though medical advice is now that smoking is bad for you, you would prefer to continue to believe (as unbelievable as it is) the old medical advice that has health benefits? Science is not exact. It is as influenced by social trends/politics/corporations with a product to sell as the rest of industry and academia, where commercial interests collide with the opportunity for social engineering. New discoveries and research means new information and new/revised advice. You have to make your choices based on your understanding and attitude to risk. However, in doing so you also have to appreciate others have the same right and range of choice. That is all I'm saying.

scottishmummy · 31/10/2010 01:56

the op and subsequent is non issue.if redheels want bevvy pg she is able and can do so.no one is restricting this option to her

as has beeen said peoople should respect her opinion and autonomy- yes,she has legs she can walk to bar then

and conversely, nothing too much should be read into her male txt about non-alcoholic drink and other pg ladies

aaaaaAAARGHandbreathe · 31/10/2010 01:59

Night night RedHeels - you do know that pregnant women aren't allowed to stay up after midnight right? Because you won't be getting any sleep for the next 18 years so you're supposed to sleep until labour wakes you up and you're all refreshed for the big day? Wink Congratulations and good luck x

EmmyVonN · 31/10/2010 02:19

I agree that pregnant women are perfectly capable of doing the research and making their own decisions about modifying their behaviour. Agree that it is mildly annoying when suddenly everyone is an expert and has an opinion.

But I really don't think that is the case here. He seems to be just taking the safe path and assuming that like many, many pg women, you would like an alchohol free option. It's actually the least opinionated thing to do and you really can't expect him to sit down and have a nice long think about whether or not you would like a drink or not. Actually that would bother me much more - he is just taking the path of least resistance. You can always correct him ("that's very thoughtful of you but actually am having the occasional drink") or just order one yourself.

I was at a wedding last year while year where the champagne flowed freely but I had to pay for something softer. Not a big deal, but It would have been nice to have been considered.

So, I think you are BU and a little grumpy. I do think the comment about the other pg women and the drink offer was meant in a good way. At the very least, if everyone else becomes drunken bores, you have the option if being a baby bore. People do meet and bond over having babies, that's normal. Really nothing sinister, just kindness - though clearly misdirected. And dont worry about the grump, I spent both pregnancies in state of permanent rage.