To have splatted a half eaten ice cream cone on his head?

[AlwaysMeanWellOftenWrong]

Husband arrived home from work. Kids and I had finished our tea and were eating our ice cream. He heated his up in microwave and joined us at the table. Sausage, mash, onion gravy, carrots and sweetcorn.

'oh, I'll just get some brown sauce' - he jumps up and goes and gets it. I say 'EEERR thats gross, try it without first.' He starts to squeeze - 'just try it first (nervous laugh to make him feel like I am not 'telling him' although this is obviously lost in translation)as the bottle of brown sauce is then lobbed across table and onto floor, DS4, DD1 and mother all look on mouths gaping, although mother then remembers that such childish ways of communication are quite commonplace from him.

Mother thinks (in a very quick flash) - all these things all at once - I am angry because he has had yet another 'tantrum', I am angry at myself for even saying anything anyway, he wasn't trying to say my food was tasteless, he just wanted extra flavour. And I decide to let it go and just carry on eating my ice cream... then I look up at him and he is glaring at me as if I am the wife from hell. Something inside me just releases and I just cannot resist, 'splat'! I didn't really think about it, and I am still not entirely sure of my motives but I think it was 'well, if he is going to have a tantrum, so will I'! And I certainly did not consider the consequences!

I could tell he was extremely angry by the rage in his eyes - which to me seemed absurd, to be so angry at such as silly thing, so I laughed, so much and so hysterically that I looked quite deluded, so I left the room to put the kids bath on.

About 10 seconds later, hubby was upstairs getting ironing board out 'What are you doing, you should eat your tea it will get cold' - yes you guessed it - its in the bin!

Of course, my trip wire is finally pushed right over the edge and rage erupts as I think of how ungrateful he is and feel really annoyed at him trying to punish me by making me feel guilty that he now has had no tea.

I know I was unreasonable. I know he was unreasonable. I also think it is so funny and thought you all must deserve a laugh!

We are still out of sorts with each other because I am always the first to apologise, have been for 9 years, but tonight, I am just waiting for him to decide enough is enough and that he wants to make amends. I will let you know if he ever does - very doubtful!

I will end up saying sorry, then he will say sorry. I don't think I will be able to let it go on much longer.

AAAHH, the joys of having a marriage to uphold!

it was a joke about 'MAN'.

do keep up on op revelations of controlling dh. this isnt about sauce. this is the unravelling of dysfunction

why are you playing the martyr?

OP it is really hard to tell when you are joking. your posts flit from humour to seriousness. you need to use the smilies. see

He throws things because I wind him up beyond what he should be expected to easily control .

• to answer x posted question:

I am perfectionist about some things, but far less so than when I was young and first married.

I am still surprised by how much subconscious perfectionism goes on in my life still.

When you are clutching at straws trying to rationalise your actions and decisions it's sometimes a good idea to ask yourself why it matters to explain yourself to yourself or the person next to you.

Normal confidence, as opposed to the perfectionist's relentless feeling of the need to justify is demonstrated very often by the fact that there is no explanation, just conviction. (Hard to explain)

There's a very fine line between the narcissistic self righteousness that can exist and complete disbelief in oneself. I found the two extremes lived quite happily alongside one another.

for as long as you externalise dh problems and internalise them as your problems then this will rumble on

I'm in the US so could someone please tell me what brown sauce in a bottle is?

no. he throws things because he chooses to deal with his frustration in this way. he could deal with it by walking out of the room. he could deal with it by saying "enough, we need to talk" but he doesn't he throws things because he is too lazt to think of a better way to deal with things. he chooses teh lazy option and you allow it to continue.

hobbgoblin - I think I am close between the two also.

Yes he does often choose the more appropriate ways - but, sometimes, after a hard day and in times of stress, he reverts to his worse ways. Lucky for me as bad as it gets is across the table to the floor sauce.

I count my blessings that is his worse, and I hate myself for being so bloody wanting to be perfect that I drive him to it. So I work at making myself perfect. Oh dear.

But, I am a lovely person, honest!

Yes, have to say that your own issues are hiding your DH's tosspot tendencies as are his tosspot tendencies hiding your probably enough to make him dream about more than hurling the sauce bottle bloody irritating control freakery nagging behaviour.

You know how with OCD you have to get to the point where you can self question ,i.e. "what will happen if I don't switch this light switch 20 times" . You have to do the same with brown sauce, how xmas day should go, what setting the heating should be on, what colour belt with those trousers, and so on...

why are you playing the martyr again?

Always, you did it again!

So, you might be a ...did you have to tell us you are a nice person?

Everyobody is nice in their own special way that means something to somebody/lots of people somewhere. You don't have to be perfectly to everybody's cup of tea to be nice!

I think we are perhaps both slightly narcissistic, although I am in denial about it actually applying to me.

but by seeking external opinion you know something aint right with you and dh

Ooh, I find myself thinking about transactional analysis here once again.

Dittany, do you know much about its application in DV/DA situations? I must admit I don't but I am thinking of a victim versus victim scenario where both are guilty of creating the conditions for abuse but where one (the man) has the slight edge on the situation. Do you know what I am on about?

I am kind of thinking that maybe Always knows that her DH is fairly tolerant of her hen pecking but that she pushes him rather too far. She may indeed be mistakenly excusing his 'going over the edge' mild violence, but she is aware that she is knowingly but uncontrollably tapping his buttons until this happens. A better man would walk away, but a better woman (sorry OP, hope you know what I mean) would also not antagonise so greatly.

I'm struggling to explain the difference between what I mean and excusing abusiveness.

hobbgoblin i totally understand what you are saying and i have to admit it has been running through my mind throughout this thread.

Oh dear. I'm 37 years old, and I'm scared shitless by the undertones going on in your marriage. You're backtracking on your OP as I think you're realising that others can detect the unspoken rage between the two of you - and nobody wants that pointed out to them.

OP - your posts are screaming out how hard you are trying to portray (to your DH and the outside world of MN) that things are just hunky dory, and that this is just a one-off amusing blip in an otherwise wonderful family set up. Marriage and general day-to-day family life is bloody hard work sometimes, and it's ok to be less than perfect.

Just as an aside, I can clearly remember wanting to repeatedly stab my ex-h when he added salt to a bowl of my homemade soup, without tasting it first. There was me, trying so bloody hard to be "a good wife", and the salt-in-the-soup incident felt like a personal attack. That was so many years ago now, but was clearly just a symptom of the unaddressed rage that was going on underneath the surface.

So to the OP, if you really were in a loving and healthy relationship - I don't think you would seriously give a shit about your DH putting sauce on his tea. The nature of your posts just worry me a bit, that's all